Relationship Advice

Are You Pulling The Weight In Your Relationship?

A relationship should be equal, but once you’ve settled in, it can be easy to let things slide. Whether you’re the one who has stopped putting effort into your partnership, or your partner’s gotten lazy, it’s important to keep things in check. Don’t let your partnership get too one-sided. If it is, you may need to question why you’re both still together.

In general, we like to think that relationships become easier the longer we’re with the same person. In some ways that’s true. The more time you’re with someone, the better you know them. That level of intimacy can make your interactions much simpler. It can also make things predictable, which can lead to laziness.

What Is A One-Sided Relationship?

Just because you know someone really well and have settled into a sort of routine, doesn’t mean that you no longer have to put effort into your relationship. That kind of complacency can harm even the strongest relationship. It’s particularly detrimental, however, when one person in the partnership has become lazy, and the other is doing all of the work. A one-sided relationship like that creates resentment on the part of the person who is still carrying their weight. It also causes them to question (rightfully so) whether the lazier party is still in love with them.

How Can You Tell?

So how can you tell if your relationship has become one-sided? Think back over the last few months of your partnership and consider a few different aspects of it. Who typically suggests going out for a date night? Is it always you, always your partner, or a fairly even mix?

Let’s say that you typically suggest going out on dates and your mate doesn’t. If your significant other is more of a homebody, while you’re someone who likes to go out all the time, then you’re probably okay. It could just be that your mate prefers to spend more time with you in the comfort of your own home, whereas you like to get out of the house.

Therefore, you naturally tend to suggest going out more than he or she would. If your S.O. isn’t a homebody, though, you might very well have a problem. Does he or she often cook up ideas to go out with friends, but not with you? That’s a strong indicator that your partner is becoming lazy within your relationship.

Other Signs Of A One-Sided Partnership

You should also examine random acts of thoughtfulness. When was the last time you or your mate did something nice for the other one, just for the heck of it? If your S.O. is always doing kind things for you, and you’re not returning the favor, you might want to question why you’re not putting more effort into your relationship. Maybe your partner always lets you pick where to eat. Perhaps your mate sits through movies that you want to watch but he/she isn’t really interested in without a single complaint.

Is it part of your routine that you always get your way and your partner doesn’t? That’s a sign of total one-sidedness. Even if your partner is the most easy-going person in the world, you should still be making a point to give him or her their way on a regular basis. If you happily get your pick without even considering the fact that your mate is giving up theirs for you, you’re being pretty awful. If you don’t feel any appreciation or gratefulness for it—if you just expect it– then you’re being a jerk. Why are you even with this person if you don’t appreciate what they do for you?

What Can You Do?

What can you do if your relationship is one-sided? You need to sit down and get introspective about your situation. If your partner isn’t carrying their weight, do you feel that they may no longer care about you? Pull him or her aside and have a serious discussion about it. Maybe there’s a good reason that they’re not being as participative as normal.

Perhaps they’re overwhelmed with problems in some other area in their life and haven’t even realized they’re being so distant. In a situation like that, just talking about the problem and working toward a solution together could get you back on track. On the other hand, they may not be putting in any effort because they seriously don’t care.

Some people are so bad at breaking up, that they elect to behave poorly in the hopes that their S.O. will do the dumping for them. If you’re the one who’s slacking off in your partnership, check in with your gut and be honest with yourself. Are you really just bringing your relationship to an ending, albeit in a slow, drawn out fashion?

Whether you or your mate has grown complacent, it’s important to determine whether you want the relationship to continue or not. If you do, you and your partner need to have a good long talk. Then you both need to be more conscious about putting effort into your relationship. If you really care about each other, your mutual happiness and the success of your coupledom will be well worth the work.

Is My Woman Spilling Secrets About Our Relationship?

By dicksinthecity

A relationship should be a private thing between two people. Your lips are sealed, but hers never stay shut! How do you handle a woman who’s an open book when you’re super private? how do you prevent her from talking about your naughty bits and other intimate details?

What She Said:

Well, it’s pretty simple – you can “find out” by asking her directly and you can “get her to stop” by requesting her to, respectfully, cut it out.

Just Ask!

It sounds like I’m being a smart ass, but it’s actually a fairly straightforward solution. You don’t want to be in a relationship where there’s a bunch of game playing going on. The phrase “finding out” makes it sound like you’re going to be snooping around on your mate. That doesn’t sit well with me and, my guess is, it probably won’t sit right with her either.

If your partner is, in fact, talking about everything in your relationship to her girlfriends, ask her to cease and desist. Keep in mind that everyone needs an outlet outside of their partners – her pals allow her to vent safely, which actually helps keep you off the hot seat. However, while friends are very important, they shouldn’t supersede your romantic connection.

It sounds like you’re worried private things in your relationship are being discussed, and that’s left you feeling vulnerable. That’s perfectly natural – no one likes the thought of his or her privacy being compromised. While your girl might need to spend an evening dishing with the gals over martinis, it’s perfectly reasonable to put some boundaries in place. This is out of respect for you and the health of your relationship.

Keep The Sex Talk Off Limits

There are some things that are off limits – even to girlfriends. I’d never divulge my husband’s confidences for some Happy Hour chatter – well, then or any other time. The size of his penis and our sex life is for us to share – not fodder for my gals. Acknowledge to your woman that you understand a woman needs her friends, but let her know subjects that would make you uncomfortable if other people knew. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your request and all should be well.

What He Said:

Yes, you should ask her and yes, your partner shouldn’t say certain things to her girlfriends, but the real question is how will you know?

So your partner says nothing is said about your penis and how you use it, or whatever else you don’t want her friends knowing. How do you know your partner won’t tell them?

You kind of have to just trust her. If your S.O. loves you, it shouldn’t be an issue. Your partner probably won’t be saying this stuff to her friends, but if your partner is, ask her to stop. Your S.O. should respect your boundaries and needs in a relationship. (Beware the girls who say they are “an open book” that means they blab their shit to everyone).

Just make sure to say things like “this is something that stays between us” or “don’t tell your friends about this” so your S.O. can’t come back and say “you never told me not to tell” cause women are crafty like that.

Seriously though, you should know the answer to this question. If you don’t trust her by now, why are you with her?

Should You Adopt A Pet With Your Partner?

By loveandsex

A relationship through many phases. What happens when you want to build a family with this person but aren’t ready for a kid? Should you get a pet together?

Whether you’re both experienced pet owners, or this is the first time either of you have ever had an animal, getting one together is a big decision. Co-owning an animal with your S.O. should never be treated as a whim. This is a long term commitment that will require both of you to put in time and effort every single day.

Make Sure Your Relationship Is Stable First

It will also require a monetary commitment from both of you. That’s why it’s important to be certain that you’re both in your relationship for the long run before you get an animal together. Sure a dog or a cat isn’t a baby, but it is a living creature that will be dependent upon both of you. That means you both need to be on the same page before you head off to your local animal shelter or breeder.

If you are married or have been living together for several years, you can feel more comfortable about taking this step. Not only are you in a serious relationship that will likely last for many more years to come, but you’ve also been together long enough to know whether or not your S.O. is responsible. This means you won’t have to worry about how much more difficult it will be to end your relationship with a shared animal in the mix.

It also means that you’ll know they will be more likely to hold up their end of the animal-related duties or not. If you’ve only been together for a little while and aren’t really sure if this person is the one for you, hold off on getting one together. Having to fight over who gets the animal when you’ve broken up will just make things that much worse, and shared custody will be a pain for all involved—especially for the dog or cat.

Have A Talk On What You Want

Once you’ve decided that your’re in a serious, long-term relationship, sit down and talk to your S.O. about what you’re looking for in a pet. If neither of you has ever owned an animal before, you might want to do some research online or check out books about animal ownership. This will help you get an idea of the level of commitment each kind of animal requires.

For instance, dogs require a little more work than cats do. You have to walk them regularly, and potty training a puppy is more difficult than showing a kitten where its litter box is. If you both work long hours and neither of you can get home to walk a dog at lunch time, a cat might be a better fit for you. If you work far away from your home or apartment, but your S.O. works ten minutes away and always gets a lunch break, you probably could have a dog. Just make sure that your mate is okay with always being the one who has to handle midday walks.

Divide The Responsibilities

Speaking of midday walks and other responsibilities, you and your mate need to figure out a way to divvy up the work and cost associated with having an animal. The time to do so is prior to picking up your new four-legged family member. If you can’t decide who will be responsible for feeding times, vet trips, etc. without an argument, at least one of you isn’t ready yet.
You may also find that your S.O. is trying to pawn more of the work off onto you, which could indicate that he or she doesn’t really have their heart in it. It’s also really important to discuss the costs involved.

Things To Plan

Buying from a breeder will be more expensive than adopting from a shelter, but either way there will be costs involved. Then you’ll have to pay for things like food, toys, collars and leashes, cat litter or dog baggies, and veterinarian appointments. If you don’t have a joint bank account, you need to plan in advance how you’ll divide up the payments.

The last thing you want is to take your sick dog to the vet and discover that you owe hundreds of dollars because your S.O. can’t—or won’t—pay for their half. You may want to open a joint bank account dedicated specifically to those costs, even if all of your other accounts are separate.

Once you’ve talked everything through, make sure that you go together to pick out your animal. Springing a surprise puppy or kitten on your mate might seem romantic, but it’s really not a good idea. It’s important to make sure that you both meet any possible future pets before you decide on one. You’re caring for it together, so you should make sure you both feel good about the animal you end up with.

That may also mean making compromises. You might want a big dog to go running with while your S.O. might want a small lap dog. Try to find something in between that will be athletic enough to play, but small enough to hang out in your house. Once everyone’s had their say and compromises have been reached, you’ll be much more likely to get one that you’re both absolutely wild about.

Long Term Relationship: How NOT To Be A Nag

By loveandsex

A long term relationship take some effort to keep. Nagging is one of those things that can destroy long term relationships if you let it – here’s how to stop!

Are You A Constant Nagger?

No one likes being called a nag. The term is full of all sorts of negative connotations. Yet all of us have probably done it to someone about something at one point or another. Maybe you find yourself repeatedly asking your mate to put their dirty laundry in the hamper and not on the floor. Perhaps you’ve requested over and over that your partner remember to deposit that check at the bank. Whatever the point of it, you know that it’s no fun being on either end of it.

When you’re the one being nagged, you feel annoyed with your S.O. Their nagging is a reminder that you’re not living up to their standards on this particular issue, and that never feels good. If you’re the one doing the fussing, you feel frustrated and exasperated. It’s not as though you want to get on to someone—you just want them to do something the first time you ask them to do it. The worst part of nagging is that you start to feel more like an angry parent and scolded child than a pair of two adults in a romantic long term relationship.

Are You On The Giving Or Receiving End?

The key to halting this in your long term relationship is being considerate and forgiving of each other. If you’re typically on the receiving end of it, ask yourself why. When your partner asks you do them a favor by picking up the dry cleaning once a week, be considerate of their wishes. Surely that partner does things for you. Maybe you get distracted easily and forget to pick up those clothes. To your partner that seems inconsiderate. That’s why they become annoyed and then get on to you about it.

Since you know that you’re prone to forgetting things, come up with a way to remind yourself, like putting a reminder into your phone. Sure, you might still forget from time to time, but if you do a better job overall, your partner will be more likely to forgive you when you do screw up. That means less fussing for you to have to endure.

Give Yourself A Reality Check

Should you be the one constantly fussing, try to check in with reality. If you’re doing it about little things, you might want to consider letting the issue go. Say your significant other always leaves the dishes on the counter instead of putting them into the dishwasher. This is probably a bad habit of theirs that they’re not likely going to change.

Instead of wasting your time and energy on fussing at your partner about it, just put the dishes away yourself. It probably takes less effort for you to load the dishwasher than it would to regularly complain to your S.O. about it. Don’t ever forget that you probably have a bad habit or two that bothers your mate. You’re not perfect, therefore you shouldn’t expect perfection from them either.

Is The Issue Bigger Than The Little Stuff?

What if there’s a bigger issue at hand than dry cleaning and dishes? Maybe you’ve been nagging your partner to stop smoking or cut back on their drinking. Instead of nagging in the moment, sit down and have a heart to heart with your mate. Do this at a time when you’re both in good moods and the problematic issue is not directly at hand. You truly are trying to help them overcome big problems here, but nagging may not be the right way to go about it.

Tell them how much you care about them, and why you need them to break their unhealthy habits for you. Then you should work together to come up with a plan. Promise them that you won’t be on their back about it every five minutes if they show you that they’re working to get better. Seek outside help or marriage counseling so that you’re not the lone person policing the issue. Above all, make sure that your S.O. knows that you’re doing this because you love them. If they love you as well, they’ll understand how well-meaning you are being.

Do Women Expect Too Much From Men?

By dicksinthecity

A relationship is about give and take, but many men think that in a relationship with a woman, they’re doing nothing but giving. Is that true?

What She Said

Umm, no. Granted, I am a woman and you haven’t given us much to go on with this question. In general, society still plays a large part in defining roles of gender and, thusly, behavior. It’s up to us as individuals to unravel what that means in our lives.

What IS Expected Of Men?

I assume you’re speaking from the vantage point of what’s wanted from men and dating, given the nature of our column. I acknowledge that men have certain pressures when it comes to relationships – the biggest sticking point with many guys being the assumption of who pays on dates. We’ve covered that several times here, but I’ll say it again – it’s not how much you spend, it’s the thought that counts. Being honest while living within your means will make for a happier relationship.

Every Woman Wants Different Things From A Man

Since I don’t have much to go on, I’ll tell you what I want from a guy – the same thing I expect from myself. Honesty, respect, communication, love and companionship all rate high on my list. Money, childcare, romance, how much time spent with the in-laws and who cleans the house are common issues. Every couple has different answers as far as these expectations go, but I’d assume the happiest relationships are where the balance of the responsibilities is relatively equal.

If He Feels Overwhelmed

If a man feels that too much is expected of him, he might want to take a look at two things – himself and the relationship he’s in. Expectations are just that – it’s up to you how (or if) you decide to fulfill them. It’s your life and resentment is a terrible waste. Don’t be a victim and assume you have to live up to someone else’s vision. Make your own rules and find a partner who believes in a similar way of life. You can’t control what others want from you (much less an entire gender), but you can control how you react.

What He Said

Do girls want too much from men? Hell yes! You want us to pay, you want us to be nice, but not too nice, you want us to love you for your mind as well as your body, you want us to put the seat down, you want us to want to do the dishes. You want a bad boy, but you want him to be monogamous, you want passion, you want consistency, you want him to have six pack abs, you want him to eat healthy, but not eat like a girl, you want him to last all night and fuck like a porn star, blah, blah, blah.

Is It Too Much?

That’s a lot to live up to. It used to be that girls were the ones burdened with all the unrealistic expectations that society heaped upon them in droves. Now men are getting our fair share. When did that happen? Where’s gender inequality when you need it? Men are starting to be as insecure as the ladies, if not more so, about sex and their bodies. That’s not right! That’s your problem. Not ours! Damn feminism. Damn you Gloria Stenheim!

Wait…what was I talking about?