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Help! I’m Pregnant and He Wants Me to Choose Him or the Baby!

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” It’s me or the baby!”

Believe it or not, many women are faced with the need to choose between a man or a baby, and it’s a tough decision.

It involves weighing all the possible outcomes of each scenario as well as moral beliefs and what you actually want.

If you find yourself in this situation, the decision is one that only you can make for yourself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I am 26 and my partner is 46. We have been together on and off for 3 years. I am only his second relationship and he says he has steered clear from relationships because he didn’t want children.

He does not like them and despises the fact he would be financially responsible for the next 18 years. I have a 5 year old son and he gets on great with him so I cannot understand why he doesn’t want his own.

This has always been okay until I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant. He wants me to choose between him and the baby and said I can’t have both. I want this child. Do you think a man will change his mind once his child is here? Surely he will have some kind of feeling won’t he? Or am I faced with being a single parent?

– Emma, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xi-fB-zTvL0[/youtube]

A Very Difficult Choice

It’s a tough situation to be in, but some women find themselves facing the choice between a man or a baby.  Whether it is because the man in the relationship does not want a child or for other reasons, it is an extremely difficult choice to make.  The choice made in this type of situation is one that changes many lives and often forever.

It’s not a choice with a temporary consequence.  If you’re in a situation like this, it is important to take a time out (as long as you need) to really think about what could possibly happen in each scenario.  It’s even more important to weigh all the factors.

Whose lives does this choice affect?  What would happen if you chose your man?  What would happen if you chose your baby?  It might help to make a list. One that you can look at and add to from time to time as you think about what your options are.

Option one…choosing your man

If you choose your man, will you have to have an abortion?  Will you need to give the baby up for adoption?  How would that make you feel?  How does that align with your religious or moral beliefs?  How do you think that would make your man feel after the fact?

These are all important things to consider when you’re thinking about what would happen if you chose your man over the baby.  One of the most critical things to think about, however, is how your relationship will fare weeks, months and even years after the fact.

Is it likely that you will harbor resentment towards your man for “making you” choose him over the baby?  If that seems possible, a deep seated resentment may lead to the ending of the relationship later on in life.  How would that make you feel if you chose your man over your baby and then ended up losing the relationship?  You need to be prepared to accept any outcome if you choose this scenario.

Option two…choosing your baby

If you choose your baby, what will happen to your man?  Will you stay together until the baby is born or will you end it now?  Do you think that he will change his mind and feel connected to the baby once it is born?

If he has been clear about not wanting to have children since the beginning of the relationship, that’s not likely to happen and you need to be prepared for that.  Be prepared to be a single parent.  Do you think you can handle taking care of a child on your own?  Would you go to court to get child support?

It’s YOUR decision

Remember, you are the only one who can make this decision.  Don’t let friends, family or even your man influence you.  It’s your life and your baby’s life. Use your head and your gut instinct to guide you to what you should do.

Either way, it won’t be easy.  It won’t be easy to leave a man that you loved, nor will it be easy to give up your baby.  If you sit down and really think about the situation and don’t rush the decision, you can gather strength from the fact that you really did choose what was best for you.

Can I Trust Her Or Is She Playing Me For A Fool?

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Relationships are all about trust.  It is what builds the foundation for a healthy partnership.  It is essential that you trust your partner and that your partner trust you.

However, early on in relationships, it is normal to have questions and suspicions while you are still building that foundation of trust.

The question for you is what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let your suspicions run your life and ruin your relationship?  Or are you going to face them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been going out with this girl for 2 months now and I really like her a lot.  She also has a 7 year old daughter.  I just don’t know if she really likes me or if maybe she likes 2 guys at once.

We live an hour away from each other so we don’t see much of each other.  I asked her if she maybe likes another guy or just doesn’t want her heart broken. She told me no, she doesn’t like another guy. Why would I say that? She just doesn’t want her heart broken. She has told me she wanted to take it slow and that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do but, I just want to know if she really likes me or is just playing me.

How could I find this out?

– John, Illinois

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGH7cNj2lco[/youtube]

Confronting Your Partner

Whether you live far away from each other or are just in a new relationship, you’re going to have a few things that come up while you’re still getting to know each other.  Do you think she likes someone else?  Does she think you’re not committed?  No matter what the question is, it is important to confront your partner and discuss the matter at hand like two adults.

When confronting your partner, don’t do it in a hateful or spiteful manner.  That will only serve to put them off before they even hear what you have to say.  Bring it up without being accusatory.  Remember, you’re not pointing fingers!  You simply want to hear their side of the situation. That said; when you’ve spoken your peace, listen to your partner.  Actually listen.

Trust Your Partner

If your partner tells you that you’re her one and only but she just doesn’t want to move too fast, you should take what she says and leave it at that.  Unless you don’t trust her, you have no reason to believe otherwise unless she’s given you a reason.

This is where trust comes in and learning to trust your partner like this is part of building a strong relationship foundation.  If you tell you’re partner that you’re committed and she doesn’t believe you, how would that make you feel?  What if she continued to ask the same question over and over, no matter what you told her?

You’d feel a little bit like a broken record, and that she didn’t trust what you said enough to believe it.  This is a bad way to build a relationship.  Trust what they say until they prove that you can’t.

Remember, people are innocent until they are proven guilty.

That doesn’t mean that you should go looking for things to prove your partner likes someone else or isn’t all that into you.  Snooping around shows that you don’t trust your partner as much as grilling them continuously about the same thing no matter what they say.

If you find yourself looking for reasons that you’re right, despite what your partner is telling you, you may be unconsciously sabotaging your relationship.  In that case, seek counseling.  You shouldn’t be digging around trying to find a way to pin something on your partner when she clearly says that it’s not true.

That said, the same goes for you.  Your partner should trust you enough that if you say something isn’t happening, it’s not!  Take it at face value and move on.  Move on with your lives together and don’t address the same situation unless something new comes up that leads you to believe otherwise.  If you build your relationship on trust and acceptance, you’ll have a long, steady road together.

How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship

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Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’  How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

– Ulrika, South Africa

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XkGF2yZygM[/youtube]

Recognition

Recognizing that this is happening is the first step to emotional recovery.  It takes a lot of courage to face something head on, especially if it’s an emotional issue you’ve been trying to keep buried.

Recognizing that past relationships are affecting your current one is a milestone, and if you’ve even come that far, you should take a breath and congratulate yourself.

Know Your Triggers

Is there something that triggers you to revert back to your old relationships, at least in your unconscious mind?  You may not know them right away, so it’s important to work towards discovering them.

You can write down what happens when you start to push your partner away, or if you become withdrawn or even angry.  This is much easier to do once you’ve really recognized what your behavior is.

The ”why” will come later!  After some time of writing down or keeping track of what happens when your behavior comes into play, you will begin to notice a pattern.

Knowing Your Patterns

With consistency, you’ll begin to learn more about yourself and your behavior patterns.  You’ll know what triggers you, and the sequence of events that happen afterward.  Do you get angry?  Do you become withdrawn?  Do you suspect your current partner to be cheating on you, just because your old partners did?

After some time of really being open and honest with yourself about your behavior patterns, you will be able to understand more of what is going on and then you can begin to delve into the deeper aspects of why this may be happening.

Seek Counseling

Counseling is a wonderful option for people who are carrying around emotional baggage.  An unbiased therapist can help you to work through your emotional issues and let them go.  Be it a traditional counselor, a new age healer or a hypnotherapist, they can use their knowledge and expertise about the human psyche to help you gain back control over your life and your relationships.

Remember, your therapist is not there to solve your problems for you.  They are going to give you the tools you need to work through the problems on your own, and the right therapist will be with you every step of the way.

During this process, you should be open and honest with your partner.  Now is not the time to hide things from them, because you’ll need their support more than ever.  Any partner worth their salt will be understanding and willing to help you, because you’re willing to help yourself.

If you find that you need to be alone to truly come to grips with yourself and get rid of your emotional hangover, be honest about that too.  Chances are you’ll be respected and given your space.  Give yourself time and lots of love, and you can start on the path to healing and emotional recovery!

My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance?

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What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

– Melissa, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYTOEOm4fUc[/youtube]

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money?  Is he lying about work?  Is he lying about extramarital affairs?  While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood.  Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone.  This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth.  What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear?  Do you jump down his throat?  Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone.  It sounds harsh, but it happens.  If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth.  It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you.  Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to.  Talk to him. Does he want to change?  Can he?  If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life.  Is this something that you can handle?  Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.”  So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on.  Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup.  If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes.  If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.

Women: 5 Ways To Save Your Marriage

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Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could “just say no” and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said “you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow.” When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, “it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper.”

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to “get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton.”

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, “Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change.” Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a “gripe session” gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

After a few months or years, most couples get into a comfortable pattern where they always do the same things. Same dinner / movie dates, same sexual routine and same behaviors. You can rekindle some of that magic and keep your marriage magical by simply paying attention to these three important areas:

1. Go on creative dates – agree to go out and do something you’ve never done before once every week, fortnight or month. It doesn’t really matter what you do, but it’s important to commit and do this constantly. Want some ideas? Go to a winery, museum, art gallery, carnival, the beach, or have a picnic in a park.

2. Spice things up under the sheets – try a new position, technique or location. Wear some nice lingerie or introduce some new toys into the bedroom.

3. Change the norm – buy him a gift just to say “I love you,” give him a surprise quickie before work, a nice massage, set up a scavenger hunt that shows how much you care about him with a gift at the end.

5. Face your money issues and debts

One of the biggest problems facing couples today is the huge amount of debt they bring into their marriage. Not only are there more divorces, couples are calling it quits much earlier in their marriage than ever before. Here are some ideas to get your debt and money issues under control.

1. Sit down and prioritize all aspects of your family budget together. Only when you analyze your spending habits will you fully realize where you are wasting money. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your goals and dreams.

2. Realize that frivolously spending money can be a sign of disrespect for your marriage and mate.

3. If you would like a bigger diamond ring or a fancier car, ask yourself why.

4. Take a quick inventory of all the items you own but could really live without. Consider how much you paid for them. What if you didn’t buy those items and had all that money in savings instead? Would it make a difference in how you view your job, your family and your future?