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Why So Many People Marry Someone JUST Like Their Mother (or Father)

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Have you ever wondered how in the heck your spouse can get under your skin the way that he/she can?

Does your partner’s behavior sometimes impact you on such a visceral level that you’re left vibrating for long periods of time?

I hate to be the bearer of news that might inflict deep psychic horror and disbelief – but you might have married one of your parents.

Did You Marry One Of Your Parents?

Okay, slowly peel yourself off of the floor now. Obviously, I don’t mean this in a literal sense – and not everyone will report this to be true.

Just consider the possibility that your partner shares some traits with one of your previous primary caregivers – the good, the bad, or both.

This is the topic of jokes to many, and there are still others who had never considered this until they found themselves on the couch at a therapist’s office, read a self-help book, or watched an episode on the subject on Oprah.

I can’t tell you how many people in my practice are filled with shock and awe by this realization.

For some, it’s a kind of funny moment – but for others, this realization can be quite upsetting, depending on what kind of experience they had with one or both of their parents.

Others struggle to wrap their brains around it at all. As light as a topic this might seem, it can be painful and stir up a lot of trouble for people in their current relationships. People can get caught up in destructive cycles that go round and round endlessly.

Why Did This Happen In The First Place?

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy and author of numerous books including, “Getting the Love You Want,” there are very good reasons why people unconsciously select partners with qualities – good and bad – of one or both of their parents.

He says, “We either overcompensate for what we didn’t get from our parents or blindly re-create the same painful situations.”

For example, are you deeply angered or hurt by your partner’s criticism? Does it cause more emotional reactivity than you would expect to have with friends, co-workers or acquaintances? Why would he/she have the power to rattle you in that way?

I believe our intimate partnerships and parental relationships are actually incredibly similar in the way we seek out “attachment” with these people. (I encourage a further look at “attachment theory” which is another very intricate subject on its own).

Parental relationships and intimate partnerships will typically be the most intense relationships we ever have – and have the ability to cause us the most pain – far more than friends, co-workers or acquaintances.

The similarity between these relationships is part of the key to understanding why we might be so emotionally triggered by things our partners do – particularly if they were also done to us when we were growing up and developing our sense of selves – and how we relate to others.

Hendrix talks about the idea of mate selection based on an unconscious pull to someone who causes us pain in a similar way to our parents – in order to “do over” the earlier wounding and make it right….

We probably don’t immediately notice the harsh side of our partners, but are swept up in all the positives – which are likely many. It’s sort of like the “honeymoon” phase where romantic love is in full swing and it’s not until we settle in do the little things start to come up and drive us up the wall.

In layman’s terms, your wife does something that reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of a parent who might have hurt you this way, and you react like a lion on the attack.

Deep Down Your Fights Feel Uncomfortably Familiar

You might even have said, “I swear, you’re just like my mother!” It’s not only the negative traits that attract us but the positives as well.

However, it’s the “negatives” that get all the attention because of the emotional turmoil and relationship conflict it can stir up.

So, if a lot of us subconsciously pick partners who ultimately “trigger” us in some way, are we all destined to a life of occasional or frequent intense irritation, upset, or in some cases, rage?

Part of the answer is at least being aware of this phenomenon – and what your sensitivities are. Another part is talking about it openly with your partner and exploring ways you might both modify your behavior.

If communication itself is an issue in your relationship, this might be a bit more challenging.

Empathy and understanding are incredibly important when dealing with this subject matter. If an intolerable level of conflict and cyclical arguments continue then perhaps couples counseling would be helpful.

There are “Imago” therapists who have been trained specifically in this work.

I believe that by finding someone who at minimum comes from a theoretical orientation that accepts the “past impacting the present” and that parents influence how we are in relationships – you’d be off to a good start.

Consider It An Opportunity To Heal

If you think you’ve married your mother or father – don’t fret.

I believe most of us are in marriages where this comes into play for at least one partner – often both. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

On the contrary, if you come to an understanding of the forces at work, you are primed for the potential to have a very satisfying relationship.

If there are attachment wounds you suffered from a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal yourself within your marriage.

What Are You Really Fighting About? It May Not Be What You Think…

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Jeanie was so upset with her husband.

He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to.

He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months.

She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce, if not an affair.

Why Is He Always Pulling Away?

Jeanie’s husband, Frank, was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat of an issue with Jeanie.

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch, and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.

Frank was terrified of losing her to death.

He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.

Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.

Our Behavior Is Rarely As “Rational” As We’d Like To Believe

We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.

But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.

When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four. And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.

Arguments Are Always About Something Deeper

We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.

As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

Let me give you an example.

Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.

They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt. Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.

She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.

Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.

Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Empathy Is The Key To Understanding

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.

On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface. Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary.

But it’s always worth it.

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?

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So you’ve started dating a new person and you’re curious about previous relationships… We all are.

We want to know if our partner has had sex with other people; and the masochistic side of us wants to know how many, and if they were better than us. But what happens when we find out…

Do we get angry? Do we accept our partner for who they are?

What would you do?

Are you really prepared to hear the truth? You better be before you ask the question.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JOUdqNmnA8[/youtube]

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?

It’s In The Past – Let It Go

The issue here is that we are all incredibly insecure about ourselves and our relationships…

The thing you have to realize is that previous sex partners and other life experiences are what made your partner who they are today. Just because he or she had sex with other people does not change how they feel about you now and should not change how you feel about them.

It’s A Control Thing

Why is it that men, in general, can be so judgmental about women? It seems to be a bit of a quagmire.  Men expect women to be virgins and women expect men to have eyes only for her after they meet.

In reality this is just a control thing…

Recognize that you cannot control another person; either their actions before they met you, how they feel and act when there with you, and what they do after they move on from you.

It’s time to recognize that we’re all human beings who come from different places and circumstances and we all have life experiences that are different from one another. It’s time to stop judging one another and accept our differences.

There’s an old 70’s song called “Walk a Mile in My Shoes”. I think we should all listen to the lyrics of this song before passing judgment on another.

Here just a few lines:

If I could be you and you could be me for just one hour

If we could find a way to get inside each other’s mind

If you could see me through your eyes instead of your ego

I believe you’d be surprised to see that you’d been blind.

Walk a mile in my shoes, walk a mile in my shoes

And before you abuse, criticize and accuse

Walk a mile in my shoes.

And for those a little younger, how about “What It’s Like” by Everlast…

God forbid you ever had to walk mile in his/her shoes

Then you really might know what its like to have to choose

Then you really might know what its like (what its like)

These two songs contain strong wisdom that crosses generations.

Avoid Anger, Judgment, And Resentment

The irony here, is that we all want honesty and our relationship, but, with one huge caveat… We want our partner to tell us what we want to hear, whether it’s true or not.

To make your relationship work, you simply have to learn to avoid anger, judgment, and resentment. These emotions can eat us up inside.  It’s time to forgive, love, and accept one another for who we really are, not to someone else thinks we should be…

If you’re not able to accept a partner for who they are today, recognizing that their past experiences are what made them who they are today, then it’s time to move on.

This is not the right relationship for you. Keep looking for that perfect person who has none of your faults and who has never made a mistake.

Not what she wanted to hear? Sorry. Just being honest…

Guidelines for Getting Along

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Social relationships, and especially close intimate relationships, face many difficult challenges. 

Conflict is inevitable unless we play fair and exercise restraint as we go after all life has to offer.

Here are some simple guidelines based on the principles of emotional competency that can help our relationships grow stronger.

 

  • Expect respect. Don’t tolerate disrespect. Don’t show disrespect toward others. Don’t ignore disrespect directed toward yourself or others.
  • Don’t take the bait. Don’t take anything personally. Ignore distracting, trivial, unfounded, or misguided provocations. Avoid pointless and destructive dominance contests. Discuss the facts, don’t attack the person.
  • Don’t make assumptions. Suspend judgment until you can gather representative evidence and confirm the facts. Challenge and investigate the source of rumors rather than passing them on.
  • Don’t tolerate Ad hominem (personal) attacks. Do not make them yourself. Do not ignore them when you hear them. They are a fallacy and a dangerous precursor to hate.
  • Refuse to hate anyone. Explain and reconcile your loss, hurt, or distress through careful analysis, not by blaming others or by hating others. Emphasize all the important things you have in common, not the small ways you differ. Hate is only sustained by cognitive error. Find and correct that error.
  • Don’t overlook logical fallacies or factual errors. They are clear evidence of poor thinking, and often of deliberate deception. Apply the theory of knowledge continuously to evaluate all you see and hear.
  • Always act congruently with your well-chosen values and beliefs. Be authentic.
  • Conflict is inevitable. Learn to resolve it constructively. Attend to both the relationship and the issues. Get along as you get ahead together.
  • You are a competent, autonomous adult. You are fully responsible for all your words and actions, as are other competent adults. Be impeccable with your word; do what you say.
  • Never resort to violence or abuse. Learn to recognize it in all its forms. Don’t cross the line, even in retaliation. There is always a better way; find it. Seek a constructive dialog.
  • You cannot change other people. You can better understand them, learn from their viewpoint, demonstrate empathy and compassion, dialog with them, help them resolve ambivalence, model desired behavior, describe likely outcomes, assist them in making changes they decide to make, and perhaps influence them.
  • Loss is often permanent. Accept the past, learn from it, and move on.
  • Know what you can and cannot change. Change what you can, and accept what you cannot change.
  • Dignity is unalienable; it is intrinsic to our humanity and it cannot be taken away. Consistently acknowledge the dignity inherent in yourself and all others.
  • You deserve to have fun and enjoy life. Balance optimism with a healthy skepticism to maintain a realistic outlook on life.
  • Seek gratification and significance. Life is not a dress rehearsal, do what matters now. Life is too short to indulge in destructive, wasteful, or meaningless activities.

Following these simple, but often challenging rules can keep your relationships healthy, constructive, and enjoyable.

Do your best each day.

More on helpful and unhelpful rules is at: emotionalcompetency.com. Guidelines for dialogue are available at: emotionalcompetency.com/dialog.htm

Do You Know The Secret To Marital Bliss?

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Wow! I’m so Glad I Married You!

The main thing I remember about being with my ex-husband is how angry I felt all the time.

I was always unhappy with him about something.

He didn’t care if the living room was covered with screws from the many computer parts he was constantly putting together.

He didn’t care that I was alone almost every night in a small town miles away from my family while he was working late at night. He disregarded my feelings about most things and pretty much did as he liked with no regard for me.

I had a long list of gripes, serious complaints and general dissatisfaction with him that ate me up every day. When I left him I felt such relief, just to not be carrying all that resentment any more.

Being Single for 10 Years Gave Me a New Perspective

After being single for nearly 10 years I finally met and married my current husband. And, I have to say, I did a lot of work on myself in the interim. The gripes that that I had regarding my ex-husband, I am chagrined to disclose, were mostly kept to myself.

That is, between my girlfriends and myself, they all knew; my husband didn’t.

So now, going into this marriage I was determined to speak my truths and not pretend that everything was okay when I was deeply or even shallowly perturbed with him. Needless to say my first year of marriage was tough.

After years of not speaking my truths I began to realize that my truths were not THE truth. The fact that there were other ways of looking at things, and other perspectives was a shock to me, in spite of my training and knowledge.

This left me with a new way to look at my life, and what was happening in my marriage. Maybe there were other ways to look at what was happening, and had happened in my previous marriages (yes, marriages, plural).

You see the funny thing is that both my most recent ex-husband and my current one are in the same line of work. They even share the same name, and initials, first, middle and last. Both are hardheaded and extremely bright. Both work very hard and care a lot about their family.

Yet the quality of my relationship with my current husband is light years from my previous one.

Honestly, while some of this has to do with their differences (they are not exactly alike, even with all the similarities) – I really don’t believe that explains it fully.

The Gift of Gratitude

The difference that counts is that I am different. I am so very different in many ways, but the one that hit me tonight is that I am now able to be grateful for my husband.

Understand, my husband is not perfect. He has, like all spouses, his quirks and…

He has, like all spouses, his quirks and neurotic tendencies.

He has things about him that I am not all that fond of and he will, on occasion, royally piss me off. And there are times when he gets downright negative and bitter.

But, those things are not what I focus on. Today I realized that for the past 8 years of our marriage I have been blissfully happy, over all. I also realized that when I think about him, I don’t think about the things that piss me off or frustrate me.

I think about the things I am so grateful for about him.

Our thoughts are powerful things. I know many of us have heard the idea that “Thoughts are Things.” But I am here to testify to you that you can indeed change the quality of your relationship by how you think about what is happening.

Negative Traits Do Not Destroy a Marriage

When my husband was trying to develop a company that never made a dime and cost us what remained of our life savings (after the stock market crash), I didn’t nag him and focus on how bad things were. Instead I continued to focus on how grateful I was for him and all the things he brings to my life.

When he would pout and fume at me when I would return from trips to various activities, I didn’t push back and become bitter and angry with him. I focused on how glad I was to have him to come home to, even if he was temporarily unhappy with me.

When he got depressed after months of looking for work and not finding it, I didn’t focus on his bitterness. I just continued to focus on how grateful I was to have him.

The things he does for me are huge.

He holds me in the mornings before he gets up. He makes sure the pool is clean and the lawn is mowed. He feeds the dog and initiates doing the laundry on Saturday. He fixes anything I have that needs to be fixed. He helps me with projects I am working on and encourages me in the things I want to do.

He cares if I am unhappy and holds me when I cry.

Happiness Has No Price

Any of those things are worth the price I pay to be married to him. Having him be there to be a partner in my life is a gift that I cannot possibly express the value of in one sitting.

And, he doesn’t have to do any of the above all the time. In fact, he doesn’t. He doesn’t do them “perfectly” or always in the ways I would want him to do. But that is insignificant.

The funny thing is that I realized the full value of my gratitude for him on this Thanksgiving. This year he will make more money than both of us put together have ever made. We are closer than we have ever been and he is excited about the things he is doing and where his life is going. So am I.

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for him.

Focus On What You Do Have!

I am not telling you this for you to hear what a great husband I have. I am telling you this for you to stop focusing on what you DON’T have and start focusing on what you DO have.

Start being grateful for the fact that you have someone in your life that says they love you. Be grateful for the fact of this person. Be grateful for the fun times, the sad times, the stressful times because you have someone on the ath with you.

Be grateful every time they hold you, kiss you, do some small thing for you. Be aware that each thing they do for and with you is a gift that is priceless.

My husband has no idea that my gratitude is so great. He doesn’t really need to know that I am constantly in a prayer of sorts about how thankful I am that he is in my life.

Yet he does know, somehow, that he is appreciated. His knowing that he is appreciated makes him want to do and be more. It, unconsciously, pushes him to want to be what I need him to be. It gives him a sense that he matters and increases his sense of self worth. He feels happier.

A happier mate means a happier partnership. Thus, giving me even more to be grateful for every day.

Try it, you’ll be amazed!