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5 Ways to Survive Being Around Your In-Laws This Holiday Season

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Hardly anyone I know can say that their families don’t have “issues” of some kind or another. This is just part of life for most of us – navigating through our family’s overt or covert drama.

For some of us the complications in our families of origin are far more intricate and obvious than for others. For those lucky others, things are pretty peachy without too many old skeletal bones rattling in the closet. Regardless, we all deal with our own situations differently.

What if your partner has a decidedly more difficult family than your own?

What if, by default, you’re expected to engage with people who leave a sour taste in your mouth and for whom conflict is as much a part of their daily lives as your sleepy morning shuffle to the coffee pot is for you?

Many Couple’s Seek Counseling Because of “In-Law Issues”

One of the things couples seeking counseling often struggle with is just this – difficulty and frustration around navigating through the subculture of their partner’s family.

I call it a “subculture” because families operate with their own roles, rules, expectations and homeostasis. Many of us can relate to the feeling of nervous anticipation prior to a family gathering with another’s high-tension family. It can feel a little like walking on a tightrope to get to the other side – or into the car in which to make your getaway!

In this article, I will not go down the road of the decision-making around whether or not you should engage with your partner’s family. I will continue with the assumption that the decision has been made that you feel it’s necessary to learn to deal with the family in question.

Also, “difficult” will here be defined as common issues addressed in couples counseling where partners’ families are concerned, such as frequent arguments, acceptance by family, jealousy, alcohol use/abuse, etc. I am not including extremely serious issues like physical, sexual and emotional abuse as the presence of these concerns have far more implications than I’m addressing here.

Walking into the subculture of the other family requires a combination of skills, some “partner” centered and some “you” centered. Here are six tips to help survive your difficult partner’s family.

6 Steps To Help You Deal with Your Partner’s Difficult Family

1) Use Active Listening Skills

This is the first step in good communication in any situation but is particularly helpful in a potentially problematic exchange. Listen carefully to what the other has said then carefully reflect back, to assure that you heard them right and they feel understood.

If you have something to say that might illicit defensiveness by the other, begin your statement with “I feel” followed by an emotion, preferably one that will have a disarming effect.

For example, “I feel sad when I try to make conversation with you and it appears you’re ignoring me.” You can’t control what the other’s response will be but you can decrease the chance of escalation.

The idea is to listen, reflect, validate and empathize with the other.

In an ideal world, both people use this communication tool together – but at least you can try to do your part to avoid getting dragged down the rabbit hole.

Remember that there are many people who will still try to drag you down there.

Simply smile and say, “I can see this is upsetting you,” or “I can see we’re not communicating well and I’m sorry about that – enjoy your coffee cake…” Do your best not to further engage in a conversation that will likely turn ugly, no matter how much active listening you attempt to use.

2) Stay Focused on Supporting Your Partner

Your mate is very likely aware of the pitfalls of his/her own family. It possibly has caused a lot of frustration, headaches and possibly heartaches in his/her own life.

For this reason, try to remain focused on supporting your partner. Many people believe that “family is family” and you accept them no matter what. The idea of being cut off from one’s family is sometimes more painful than just “dealing” with them. Stay tuned into how your partner’s feeling and be supportive – regardless if the idea that slowly scratching an ice pick down a chalkboard sounds more appealing than spending the evening with them.

3) Activate Your Personal Force Field

As “Star Trek-esque” as this sounds, this is a great self protection tool that only requires a little visualization.

If you have a lot of emotional reactivity that comes up around the idea of spending time with your partner’s family, the day of the planned meeting, begin imagining a force field that encircles you in a protective bubble and can be activated at any time.

This bubble is invisible to others but you know it’s there and has the ability to deflect negative energy, criticism, hostility and any other irritation that fits for your situation when it comes to your significant other’s family.

Make it an inside joke of your own – you could even whisper to yourself, “force field up” when it’s needed or just think it in your head. You might determine a particular spot on your body that is the activator button. As silly as this may sound to some, this type of visualization can be extremely useful – and the humor around it makes it an automatic stress reliever. Force field up!

4) Avoid Triangulation Between Family Members

Bowen Systems theory states that when there is anxiety between two people, a third person will often be triangulated in to reduce the anxiety.

Don’t get caught in the middle between your partner’s family members.

You are a visitor to the family system (until you’re welcomed and accepted in) and you are asking for trouble by letting a member whisper in your ear about another person. If someone attempts to triangulate you into a situation, let them know you’d rather not get involved. If the person persists, politely excuse yourself. Danger Will Robinson.

5) Breathe

Whether you’re practicing your active listening, trying to remember to remain supportive of your partner, activating your force field or avoiding being triangulated between two family members, the skill of breathing effectively will ease you through it all.

With proper breathing technique (deep in through the nose, all the way down to the belly and slowly out through the mouth), your physiology has a much better chance of remaining unaroused – your calm place. If you have moments of frustration, irritation or the like, step outside or excuse yourself to the restroom to spend a moment taking a few good deep breaths. They’ll take you a long way.

Are You Really In Love Or Just Wearing Blinders?

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What is a “Fan”?

A “fan” is someone who sees something in someone else that they admire and to which they are overwhelmingly drawn.

They see the object of their admiration as someone who is above the rest of us.

The word “fan” comes from the word “fanatic”, which means a person who expresses “extreme zeal, piety, etc.; goes beyond what is reasonable; zealot” (according to yourdictionary.com)

What is a zealot?

Being a zealot “implies extreme or excessive devotion to a cause and vehement activity in its support” (again, from yourdictionary.com).

What is the Difference Between Being a “Fan” (i.e. Zealot) and Being “In Love”?

According to freedictionary.com being “in love” means “deeply or passionately enamored”.

So what does “enamored” mean?

Freedictionary.com says it’s “foolish or unreasoning fondness”. Hmm, sounds a lot like “excessive devotion” doesn’t it? In fact, one of the words used to describe “devotion” is “zeal”!

One of the things I’ve learned about “fans” from clients who are public figures is that “fans” cannot see the object of their zeal as human beings. Fans tend to project attributes to the object of their zeal that are super human. They expect the object of their zeal to be perfect and incapable of anything less than kind, loving, mature, and “godlike” behavior.

So if being a fan is identical to being “in love”, what does that say about the “in love” state?

When we are “in love” we are really incapable of seeing the object of our “excessive devotion” as anything less than perfect. We attribute them with “godlike” qualities, just like a fan does. We expect them to be everything we need them to be.

We expect them to live up to our every expectation and display superhuman qualities. We blind ourselves to their imperfections or we dismiss them as unimportant. Our tendency is to see the object of our “excessive devotion” with eyes that filter out their flaws.

Have you ever known someone who was “in love” with someone that you could clearly see was bad news? Their “excessive devotion” prevented them from being able to clearly see the other person.

What then is the impact this has on our “relationship” with the object of our “excessive devotion”?…

Being “In Love” is Not the Same as Being in a Relationship

In fact, as with a fan, when you are “in love” there is not really a relationship yet! There is potential for a relationship, but being “in love” is not yet a relationship.

In my experience, being “in love” is a kind of hypnotic state. We transfix our attention on someone so wholeheartedly that we hypnotize ourselves into seeing what we want to see in the other person. That doesn’t mean that this other person doesn’t really have many great traits, but it does mean that we can only see what we want to see in this state.

And it feels really good to be the object of this kind of adoration. Ask any rock or movie star, they love the zeal of their fans. It’s what motivates them even through periods of slumps in their careers.

The feeling of being adored is addictive. We love that feeling and want to keep it. Often this is why people rush to get married before the “in love” state wanes. It’s an altered state that feels exciting; the zeal feels wonderful.

Being “In Love” is Not the Same as Being Intimate

But being in the “in love” state is not the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy literally means: “in to me see”. Being “in love” requires not really seeing the other person, but instead seeing what you want to see, in the same way a fan sees the object of their zeal.

Intimacy is a process that takes time and courage.

It takes letting down walls and revealing both appealing truths about oneself and the unappealing ones. And more importantly it requires a willingness to see the other’s true self.

When we are “in love” we avoid seeing what we don’t want to see. In intimacy we strive to know more about our partner, we risk that we will see things we don’t like. With intimacy we allow our partner to be flawed, and still loveable. With intimacy we allow ourselves to be seen, trusting that we are loveable even with all our foibles.

The “in love” “fan” state cannot tolerate this kind of reality. “Excessive devotion” cannot exist when our vision is no longer clouded with illusions.

In order to become intimate we have to become disillusioned. We have to lose the illusions we maintain in order to be “in love”.

Then we can experience intimacy and a deeper, inclusive kind of love that allows our partner (and ourselves) to be imperfect.

Could Your Need for Control be Ruining Your Relationship?

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All of us seem to have a craving for power. We are all driven to get control over the situations we find ourselves in, and mostly, over our partners.

We think to ourselves – “If she would only do what we want her to do,” or “If he would only do what I need him to do,” then life would be better. In some ways, these things might be true.

How we go about getting what we want often turns into attempts to get power and control over our partners. This, of course, happens when we ourselves feel powerless.

When we feel powerless we feel overwhelmed, out of control and helpless. It’s unbearable. So, we try desperately to regain a sense of control.

Common Ways of Gaining Power Over Our Partners

Physical/Emotional Intimidation

Some of us do it by puffing ourselves up as big as possible, yelling, screaming, intimidating with our full force. (If we are physically large it’s easier to pull this one off).

We can do it by throwing out intimidating words if we are smart or college educated (women have an advantage here, having more command, generally speaking, over language than men).

Subtle Manipulation

If we are charming we can do it with our manipulative pleasing behaviors, charming our partner into doing what we want them to do.

Abandonment

Oh, another great one is to threaten to abandon our partner. If our partner is really attached to us, this can be very effective.

Withholding Information

My personal favorite is to withhold information. Yes, this is a power play. I know it doesn’t seem like it on the surface, but it is a very controlling behavior.

What we are doing when we withhold information is that we are controlling our partners’ reactions to what we are doing by not telling them. If they don’t know about it, they can’t get mad at us.

All of these are very effective if what you want is a partner who is controlled by you, intimidated by you, and kept at a distance.

But, if what you want is an intimate connection where you and your partner are truly partners, you have to find a different way to not feel powerless, helpless and despairing.

Focus on Gaining Control of Yourself Instead

Most of the time when clients come into my office they are both trying to get control of their partner. It’s the only way they know how to get their needs met. The good news is that there is a better way.

When we stop the controlling behaviors it can feel scary, because it feels like our only other option is to stay in the out-of-control state. Fortunately, it’s not the only option.

Learning the skills of navigating an interpersonal relationship that is deeper than one based on power and control is an ongoing effort. We have to learn how to stay in the fear. We have to learn that feeling out of control is not going to kill us or make us crazy.

To simplify the process for you I am going to give you the following steps as a starting point:

5 Easy Steps to Help You Cope with Your Fears

Step 1: When you feel out of control and powerless, stop and breathe before you react.

Step 2: Look at your partner and remember that you love them and wouldn’t want them to feel trapped and controlled.

Step 3: If there is something that they said or did that triggered an emotion on your part, reflect back to them what you heard them telling you through their words or behavior.

Ask if you got that right. Then let them know that what they are saying makes sense (coming from their perspective…not that they are “right”).

Step 4: Find something in what they said that you can relate to (Have you ever felt that way?)

Step 5: Let your partner know what you are feeling, don’t try to “save face.” If you feel ashamed, fearful, angry, hurt…whatever it is, tell them! You may think they should know, but trust me; they can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see you cry (this goes for you guys, too).

If either one of you gets triggered into controlling behaviors, ask for a time out. Come back to the topic later when you are not so upset.

Love is not simply a feeling. It’s an action. Taking the time to connect in this way will give your relationship life. It may mean more intense interactions, but at least it’s not dead.

One sweet, intelligent couple I worked with has been together for 20 years. They have spent most of that 20 years controlling each other’s reactions by not telling each other what they really think, what they really do, and how they really feel.

They came into therapy because their relationship had lost its luster. They had become so distant and lifeless that they had not had sexual intercourse in a year!

Connecting through sharing of real feelings allows for the spark to be reignited between you.

The Little Known Secret to Getting What You Want From Your Partner

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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Really!

He leaves his things on the floor and then gripes about the house being a mess.  He doesn’t seem to get it that I want him to listen to my feelings. He is so distant and in his head all the time. Why doesn’t he act like he cares about me?

That woman! She always acts like she knows the best way to do everything, and she is never listens to what I have to say and get irritated with me over the most stupid things. Why doesn’t she pay more attention to the important things? I hate it when she makes such a mess with her stuff in the bathroom and leaves those bottles everywhere.

Nagging At and About Our Mates is Almost a Way of Life

We build up a case against the person that we love the most and then wonder why they are unhappy with us.  When couples come in for therapy they inevitably have a long list of complaints about their spouse. They have been unhappy with their spouse for years for one reason or another. They don’t like this. They don’t like that.  By the time the come into see me they are convinced that their partner has been doing everything wrong and what they really want (though they won’t always admit this) is for me to tell their partner what is wrong with them and to help them fix their partners problems.

It is a rare event to have someone come in for therapy who understands that they, as a couple, have a problem and that it’s not one or the other’s fault.

The first few sessions are generally spent with both partners laying out their case against their partner and looking to me for validation. Then I begin explaining to them that they are each responsible for what has become a laundry list.  Rather than spending all of their resources and energy pointing out each other’s flaws, they need to focus instead on what the other is doing right.  I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes us focus on the problems rather than the blessings in our lives, but we do.

Is Your Partner Really That Terrible

Letting ourselves focus on the blessings our mates bring to us helps us to encourage the very traits we most want to build upon.  We want our partners to listen to us, to support us, to care about what we care about. We want them to show us they love us through the things they say and do.  How do we get that when our partners seem so far from being able to provide it?  We start with “catching them being good”.  We notice aloud the things they do that we appreciate and value. We refrain from nagging about the things we don’t like and we praise and celebrate the things that we appreciate about our partners.  The more we share our positive feelings with them about what we like, the more likely it is those behaviors will be repeated.  They will feel loved and appreciated and we get what we want.

Why is that so hard for us?

For one… We often don’t believe that we deserve the things we really want so we don’t do the things that will give us what we want.  Then we blame our partners for not providing it, even though we have not done our part in providing an environment conducive to their being loving!

When we protest, “Why of course I want my partner to be more loving!” Yet we refuse to do the very things that will create the space for them to give us what we want.  We demand, we nag, we criticize and we berate.  We try to make them be what we want.

NEWS FLASH: You can’t make your partner do anything!

Help Your Partner Help You

Instead, create an environment that invites them to be what you want them to be.  If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving to them and verbally appreciate the things they do that make you feel good. Notice the things they do that are attempts to be loving, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.

My husband hates it when I leave town.  He is unhappy and for years he acted angry and distant when I was getting ready to leave town.  Yet, he always, without fail, checked my auto fluids and tires before I got on the road.  I saw this as a supremely loving act, in spite of his decidedly unloving angry behaviors.  I let him know how much I appreciated his doing this for me and hugged him. I verbalized it to my friends when they were around to let him know that I was proud of his being so loving toward me.  Now, while he still hates it when I leave town, he is never angry and distant.

Loving behaviors come in all sorts of forms, and we don’t always have the same idea of what it is to be loving.  When we can notice what our partner is doing in an attempt to show us their love, even if it’s not in the form we want, we can encourage the loving behavior and then ask for what it is we do want.

Stop Criticizing and Start Praising

Criticizing focus’s on the negative behavior and leaves the other person feeling unappreciated and devalued.  Praise creates an environment of joy and a desire to please.  When we tell our partners, “I loved it when you did the laundry for me.  It makes me feel so cared for to have someone in my life help me with those kinds of details” it creates a bond of appreciation.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t tell our partners about the things they have done that displease us, I am just saying that the messages should, on balance be more positive than negative.  Letting our partners know what pleases us is positive feedback that creates more of what we want.  Negative feedback (criticism), when it is more frequent than positive feedback (praise) creates the very things we don’t want. It creates an unhappy partner who feels unappreciated and undervalued.

Share the joy with the people around you who know you and you grow the impact of the praise exponentially.  Let your partner hear you bragging on them to your friends. Tell your partner how your friends reacted to things that you tell them about your fantastic partner.  I guarantee you will get more of what you want through praise and “super praise” (bragging in front of others) than you will ever get through criticism.

When Fairy Tale Romance Goes Bad…

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Here we are in the 21st Century.

We have cell phones, Internet, microwaves and electric cars.

We have more information than we can possibly absorb about everything from digging holes to brain surgery.

But we often still think in 15thCentury terms when it comes to romance…

Fairy Tale Romance – The White Knight and the Damsel in Distress

One young couple I worked with had been madly in love. They met when she was 20 and he was 30. Gary was an established salesman making six figures and Lisa was a social worker, working nights in a coffee shop to make ends meet. When he walked in she said to her co-worker, “There’s the man I’m going to marry.”

Lisa says she said it jokingly, but this is what she had been hoping for: a strapping 6’3’ elegant man with a quick smile and loose with his money. She wrangled a meeting with him and they were quickly swept into a whirlwind romance. She moved into Gary’s 3,000 square foot home and quit her night job. He bought her flowers, jewelry, spa treatments and other thoughtful gifts. Lisa was enraptured with him, and he with her.

Gary admired what Lisa did and wanted to take her away from the stress of living on little money while doing good works. When they married the congregation was in tears, they had never seen a couple so in love.

When the Fairy Tale Turn Into a Nightmare

But less than a year after they married the relationship was in ruins. Lisa had an affair and Gary discovered her indiscretion. Furious, Gary insisted she go to therapy and work things out. Lisa was so depressed by the failure of their marriage and the depth of his rage that she was afraid to break off with the man she had been seeing and couldn’t agree to stop seeing him. Gary’s was bitter and angry. He filed for divorce and started seeing other women. He still went out with Lisa and they occasionally talked of working things out.

Lisa became distraught when he filed for divorce and dropped the relationship with the man she had been seeing. She begged Gary to take her back.

Gary continued to see other women, but after the divorce was final, he was ready to consider reconciliation. They came into therapy hurt, angry and confused. She thought he was mean and irresponsible with money. He thought she was a liar and disrespectful to him.

What Went Wrong…

After setting some ground rules for how they should manage their relationship while they were in therapy, I began asking them about how their relationship had begun.

They both admitted to being completely in love very fast, too fast, really. Lisa talked about how he had bought her things and spent money on her and how she saw him as her “White knight”. Gary talked about how he had not been looking for a relationship when they met, but they had just clicked. He said he wanted someone to take care of and saw that she was someone who, because of her work, was worthy of his care taking.

They then realized that most of their resentment and the distrust that had begun shortly after they married had started with this White Knight/Damsel in Distress relationship.

I completely related with her. I remembered that when I married my second husband I had secretly hoped he would rescue me. I was, on the surface a very independent woman. I had graduated from college with little family assistance, was taking care of my little girl on my own, with little support from my ex-husband or family. But the bottom line is that I had been struggling for so long I secretly hoped for someone to take me away from all my struggle.

Lisa was no different. She was independent in that she had a career and place of her own, but money was tight and she couldn’t afford those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home.

Gary had been raised with money and was being groomed to take over his family business. Money had never been difficult for him and he had never denied himself anything. But it seemed meaningless in away, until he had someone worthwhile to spend it on. Of course, this did not mean he was willing to deny himself his toys and indulgences.

Lisa soon realized that after they married his wanton ways with money were not as attractive a trait in a husband as they had been as a beau.

His lack of real respect for her became evident as he failed to pay any attention to the things she asked of him in regard to managing “his” money.

It didn’t take long for the marriage to spiral out of control at that point.

How To Avoid the Nightmare and Keep Your Happy Ending

When we marry to have someone to “take care of” we are not respecting that person. We don’t see them as capable of really taking care of themselves, we see them as less than complete and we expect them to appreciate what we do for them and not require more from us than the things that we are already so generously bestowing upon them.

When we marry to have someone “take care of us” we are not fully appreciating our own abilities and we expect them to be able to “make us happy”. Then we are full of furry when they do not fulfill our expectation of them.

This is an extremely common set up in our society. Many movies and novels feed into our cultural dream of the White Knight/ Damsel in Distress storyline. But the fairytale does not end as it does in the movies with us living “happily ever after.”

This is not because one of us is wrong or bad for having had the dream. After all; it’s what we are taught from birth!

But the White Knight is a shallow human being. He doesn’t have a full spectrum of emotions, dreams, flaws and vulnerabilities. He is not capable of intimacy, because he is not even aware of what is inside of himself.

The Damsel in Distress is equally limited. She is only allowed to be needy and receptive. Having an opinion and needs that go beyond the expectations of the White Knight destroys any hope “happily ever after.”

In order to create the “happily ever after” we have to be willing to be fully human and to allow our partner to be fully human. That means recognizing for ourselves that we are both wonderful and flawed, as is our partner. We have to be willing to negotiate our needs with respect and empathy as we own responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our significant other to provide that for us.

Lisa and Gary are lucky.They came to see me before their loved died.They were open to understanding how they had gone so far astray and willing to set aside the need for blame in order to get to that understanding.

They have a hope of a “happily ever after” yet. Do you?