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He Said “I Need Space!” and Stormed Out! Are We Breaking Up?

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Isn’t it just amazing how a regular conversation on a happy day can turn into a vile, nasty argument? One minute you’re happy and in love, the next you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, and can’t think of enough hurtful things to throw at your partner! AAAhhhhh!

And then something snaps, and one of you yells “I need space!” and storms out!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

When an argument occurs, more times than not, a guy will say “I need space”.

Is there a deeper meaning to “I need space”? Is he going to break-up with me? He was really angry when he told me this.

— Cris, Pennsylvania

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCFqIcrjY28[/youtube]

“I Need Space!” – What it Really Means

It’s typically the man who needs space, but not always… Maybe it’s the pressure of the argument, maybe it’s something else. The fighting just gets to be too much… and he just can’t take it anymore. So he backs, or runs away to catch his breath and get some air.

“I Need Space” is avoidance, a cry for help from a wounded animal. The argument, the fighting, or life in general has gotten to be way too much and he needs a break from all of the stimulation.

When he says that, you should respect it as frustrating as it may be. Sure you want to understand what’s wrong, what triggered it, and at this point, how you can make it better. But that’s not always possible. Trying to approach someone who’s pulling back like this will often just push him farther away. In this emotional state, he is truly acting like a wounded animal and will likely bite if you try to approach.

So is this the first sign of a break up? Is the end in sight?

Probably not. People argue and fight, and that’s unfortunately just a normal part of any relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up, just that he needs a break at that point. It can be as simple as that.

However, if your relationship gets into a cycle of arguing and drama all the time, it very well may lead to break up! People spend time together to find happiness, companionship, and love. Not to fight and argue. No one likes to fight all the time and eventually, someone will leave.

Clash of the Personality Types

Some people thrive on conflict, and others avoid conflict. We are all different, which is really a great thing – wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same? But here’s where problems can start…

Those who thrive on conflict, will debate a topic until they’re completely exhausted. Others simply hate fighting and arguing, and will do anything to avoid conflict.

So for obvious reasons, a relationship between a person who thrives on conflict and a person who always avoids conflict can quickly end in a bitter break up unless they learn to work together and respect one another’s boundaries.

3 Golden Rules to Keep Fights and Arguments from Destroying Your Relationship

Here are our 3 Golden Rules for resolving disagreements and avoiding fights:…

  1. Check your ego
    Fights and arguments are caused by the ego – your ego’s need to “win”, to “be right”. That’s how a simple disagreement or a regular conversation turns into a screaming match. He says something hurtful, she says something hurtful back, then you have to say something even more hurtful, and so on. It just gets dumber and dumber. Really. As an argument progresses, the collective IQ between the two people drops dramatically – at least is seems that way to an outside observer.
  2. Never use the word “You” to start a sentence in an argument
    Keep it about YOUR feelings, and never accuse the other person of what they did or should do. The moment you start saying “you did this” or “you said that”, the other person gets defensive, and all intelligent conversation ends on the spot. Game over.
  3. Agree to disagree
    This is one of the most important relationship secrets EVER. Here’s an amazing tip: you will NOT be able to convince everyone that you’re right on ANY topic. Fact is, we’re all individuals, and we see everything at least a little differently from each other. And that means, we’re occasionally going to disagree. The ego of course hates disagreement, so you end up fighting with people you disagree with and trying to ‘convince’ them why your perspective is obviously the right one. But how about this – respect others for their viewpoints and appreciate your differences, and move on. You don’t really have to change anyone’s mind about anything.

Relationship Advice for a Desperate Man: Do ALL Women Want Kids?

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Many men find themselves frustrated with dating and understanding women…

This is compounded if he doesn’t want to have children because many men assume that ALL women want to have children. It even seems that many women use the topic of ‘kids’ in the early stages of the relationship to test how serious a man is about their relationship.

So if you’re a man, who does not want children, how are you supposed to have any chance at a long term relationship? As soon as you say “I don’t want children”, the friction begins and the relationship ends soon there after.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I often find myself in the situation that I have eventually met a girl who is emotionally available for a long-term loving relationship, which is exactly what I’m looking for, when she brings up the topic “marriage and kids” in the early stages of the relationship.

What I want is someone to share my life with but know very clearly that I do NOT want to have children. I appreciate that most women have a natural calling to give birth sooner or later in life and can’t argue with that. As a friend once put it: “You can’t deprive a woman of having children”.

It often feels as if the topic “kids” is used by women to check if a guy is really interested in a serious relationship. As I do not lie about important things like that, the whole issue becomes an obstacle at a very early point and the relationship never really develops.

My question is: What is the best way for me to approach this problem? Do I just have to accept that it is not a good idea, at all, to start a LT relationship with a girl, because she might, at some point, want to have children?

Thanks for all your useful advice! Always good to visit your website.
Gert

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hQcI2qumOA[/youtube]

Should You Avoid Long Term Relationships All Together?

If you’re still young, say less than 30, you may actually change your mind as you get older. So saying very adamantly, that you never, ever, want kids is not only harsh, but possibly untrue. How can you possibly know how you’ll feel in the next 5-10 years? You can’t!

If you are however, absolutely certain that you never, ever, want kids, then what is the best way to approach this problem with your new girlfriend?

Absolutes are never a good idea, not in life, and especially not in relationships. Rather than telling her “Never ever, no way in hell!”, try a more subtle and less offensive approach, like “At this point in my life I don’t believe that I want children”. Don’t lead her to believe that you’ll change your mind, but there’s no need to be so FIRM either.

After all, the only thing you can possibly know for sure is that you don’t want kids NOW, and you don’t want kids in the near future.

Do ALL Women Really Want Children?

You see, it’s not that all women ‘want’ children, but society teaches them form day one that they ‘should’ want children and there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Hopefully that’s changing as we mature and evolve as a society…

There is a very good chance that you will meet a woman who also does not want children. There are fewer women who feel this way, but they are definitely out there. A woman typically doesn’t make this decision until she’s a little older and these women tend to be the more driven and career minded. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, and she’d be thrilled to know that she’s not the only person in the world who doesn’t want children.

There are also many women who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children. I’m not talking about the adoption crazed mommy wanna-be’s, but the women who have come to terms with their situation and are actually OK with it.

One other point that is important to remember is…not to get so stuck on the ‘long term’. Enjoy what you have today. It’s OK to share a few years with someone and then go your separate ways. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed if you don’t spend the rest of your lives together. As long as you both enjoy it, the time will never be wasted.

Live your life for this moment. The past is already gone and the future is only a dream. This moment is really the only thing that is certain.

Friends? Lovers? Pick One! – The One That Got Away…

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So many men are afraid to approach a woman and ask her out… to make that first move.

Help! How can I escape the dreaded friend zone?

Of course, sometimes men get up the nerve to talk to women they like, but not quite to ask them out. So they become friends. And if they’re not careful, they STAY just friends… sliding down the slippery slope of the friend zone.

But here’s the real gem. Women will usually drop plenty of hints and innuendos, encouraging men to take that first step… to break the ice and ask them out. All you have to do is pay attention.

So don’t just sit there hoping for something to magically happen on it’s own. Take control of your own destiny. Talk to her and see where it goes!

Caution! Will you REALLY be happy just being her friend?

Then again, be prepared for whatever comes. If she’s not interested in a romantic relationship at the time, you have to decide if you would be truly want to be friends just to be close to her, of if it’s better to move on.

If so, then it’s worth a shot. Otherwise, do yourself and her a favor and move on. But remember, she may only be willing to be friends.

The secret – act out of love, not out of the fear of rejection

Every decision we make in life fundamentally comes down to one of two major motivators: love of fear.

When you take action, be open and completely at peace with whatever the outcome will be. Don’t dread the fact that she may possibly (for whatever reason) not be interested in a relationship with you at this time, and whatever you do – don’t be judgmental of her response. Accept yourself and her for where you are at this point in your lives.

Missed opportunities for love

We’ve all been there at one time or another in our lives. An amazing opportunity shows itself, and for some reason or another we don’t act. And by the time we decide to take action, the evaporates into thin air. That’s so frustrating!

Is that missed love opportunity gone forever?

Whether you’re talking about love, business, or money, opportunity is all about timing AND the courage to ACT. If you don’t seize the opportunity when it’s hot and fresh, then you may as well come to terms with the fact that you’re going to miss out. Chalk it up to lessons learned and wisdom gained, and move on.

BUT when dealing with people and romantic relationships, there are some exceptions to this rule. So… CAN you get her back even if you’ve missed that “right” opportunity?

Here’s a question from a man in Pennsylvania facing this very frustrating problem…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello! I’m glad I stumbled onto your website since I have a dilemma of my own regarding dating. Nearly 2 years ago I became friends with one of my female co-workers. Eventually the friendship grew stronger as we started hanging out more and getting to know ourselves better. Of course, I eventually developed an attraction for this friend, but remained silent (big mistake). She dropped me many hints suggesting I should make a move and take the friendship to the next level. Unfortunately, I failed to read some of those signals and hence failed to act.

About two months later after she dropped these signals I confessed my feelings to her. Unfortunately she said that she did not feel the same way. She mentioned something about having feelings for me early in our friendship, but that the moment had passed. Of course after her rejection our friendship changed, and little by little we drifted apart. Although she made efforts to keep the friendship alive, I rejected her efforts. I figured it would be best for me to move on, and save my energy for the girl that would reciprocate those romantic feelings.

I eventually moved from the city where we met in order to pursue a higher level of education. Once again she tried to contact me, and even though I replied it was a bit of a half-ass effort (for lack of a better word) on my part. I haven’t heard from her in nearly 10 months now, and I miss her. I’m trying to convince myself that I should not be a coward and should give this thing a shot once again with a new approach. Its been nearly two years since I told her how I felt about her, and yet I still have strong feelings for her. It’s sad to admit, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.

What should I do? Should I just cast her out of my life forever? Am I condemned eternally to the “friends zone”? How do I get out of the “Friends Zone”? What should I do this time around to win her heart? Thank you for taking the time to hear my rants 🙂 . I hope to hear from you soon.

— Nate, Pennsylvania

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDqy5Pdi9s4[/youtube]

Love, Money, and Sex – Advice for a Lasting Relationship – Dan and Jennifer on Retirement Television

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What are the really hard issues that can tear apart the best relationships over time?

Love, Money, and Sex.  At the core of it, that’s it. Sure, there are lots of little issues, but ultimately most of them come down to Love, Money, and Sex.

We recently had the pleasure of meeting Florence Henderson and Meshach Taylor on the set of their new show, Living Live on Retirement Television. They asked us to share with their audience our advice for a long lasting, happy relationship.

So what DOES it take to have a long lasting, happy relationship?

Be HONEST with your partner! No, not just part of the time…

TALK to EACH OTHER – Always share your feelings. It doesn’t matter one bit what your friends think. What truly matters is how you and your partner feel about each other. And if you’re not completely open with your feelings, your relationship is doomed.

So without further delay, watch Dan and Jennifer LIVE on Retirement TV!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvgcBF3LoI[/youtube]

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Partner?

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When I got married I was such a happy person. My husband was gentle, kind, giving, and such a great dad.  It came as a complete shock to me the first time he got angry with me.

You see, I am an anger phobic from way back.  I will never forget cringing as my grandmother screamed at my mentally retarded uncle.  She would go on tirades that filled the house with angry blasts of her voice (this was no small task as the house was a 3 story boarding house).  I was never comfortable with anger (especially not my own!) and I would do just about anything to avoid it.  Additionally, when anyone was angry I had huge judgments regarding them.  Anger, in my opinion meant ugliness, abusiveness and there just wasn’t any excuse for it.

So marrying someone human enough to get angry startled me. I didn’t understand where my loving, gentle husband had disappeared to and who was this person in my bedroom anyway?  After all, I didn’t see that I could possible have done anything to have brought on his wrath.  I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone, especially him, my most beloved.  The anger that I felt as a response separated us.  I felt totally disconnected from him. I couldn’t understand where he got off being so angry with me for nothing I could comprehend.  Who was this angry monster and why did he seem to hate me?

That’s how it felt to me. If someone was that angry with you they had to hate you, right? Consciously I knew that was wrong, but it definitely felt that way. The little kid inside cringed at every angry word he spoke.

I was fearful of his getting angry so I started editing what I told him.  In other words, controlling him by not giving him all the information.  That always backfired of course, because eventually he would discover what I had not told him and it would make him even angrier.

I don’t recall how long it took for me to realize that underneath the raging exterior of my formerly loving partner was a lot of fear and hurt.  What’s more, what he was angry about was never really about what I thought it was about, it wasn’t really about what I had said or done, it was about something far bigger, and older.

His anger was what I call a “Self-Protective” stance that he took to manage his hurt and fear. Often when someone is hurt they will become larger than life. They will raise their voice, puff up their physical self to maximum capacity and try to look as threatening as possible in an effort to appear more powerful than they feel (Imagine a puffer fish here).  They appear large and loud and scary so that you will be intimidated into stopping whatever it is you are doing that is hurting or scaring them. Underneath there is a kind of desperation and terror.  But that is not what they show; they show an overpowering, larger than life toughness to attempt to force change.

The person that had been so frightening to me was in fact scared and hurt.  Now, for some of you that might not be new information, but for me it was a huge newsflash.  Knowing this changed everything.  It empowered me to respond differently than I ever had to an angry person.

Instead of responding as a helpless victim and cringing, trying to control them by placating them with platitudes, running around trying to fix the problem that upset them, or worse, reacting with anger in return – I learned to give them empathy.  All of the old ways of responding, I discovered, created more resentment and anger.

Empathy, I was thrilled to realize, created a whole new kind of relationship and helped me find my kind, gentle husband again.  He had always been there, inside the attitude that had scared me so badly.  His Self-Protector stance had left me fearful and confused.  But once I figured out that I could change everything by changing how I viewed his anger, our relationship was transformed.

Our anger is a survival mechanism that kicks in when we are threatened in some way.  It throws us into a Self-Protector position in order to keep ourselves alive. Now, in most cases in today’s world, we are not really going to die, but on a brain level, that’s how it feels.  If our partner responds to our hurt and fear with empathy for our feelings, then we can slowly let go of our need for our Self-Protective reactivity and let ourselves be vulnerable again.

The next time your partner is angry with you. Stop. Don’t do what you always have done. This time, notice the hurt or fear and say something to indicate that you noticed they are hurting, like “I’m sorry, I can see there is something I did that hurt you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”  or something similar in your own words.  Give her some indication that you understand she is hurting.  Let him know that you care that he is hurt.  Odds are you will find out that the upset wasn’t really about you, but about something from your partner’s history. So be open, be curious and empathetic.  This will allow their anger to bring you closer instead of pushing you further apart.