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Frantic Girlfriend! How Do I Overcome My FEAR of Sex?

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Sex is a beautiful, wonderful experience shared by many happy couples around the world. But sometimes a couple can’t fully enjoy sex because one of them is actually afraid of sex.

Huh? Yes, there are many people out there, mostly women, who are afraid of sex. The slightest mention of sex can completely lock them up and bring them to tears.

Here’s a desperate cry for help from a lady in the U.K. facing the dire prospect of losing her husband…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a 24 year old woman, 8 months pregnant, and don’t enjoy sex at all. It all started when I was about 18/19. I had my first real love and it was brill.

The only problem that I had was that I didn’t like to have sex or even talk about it. The thought of it makes my whole body tense up. I’m with a loving partner now who I have been with for 2 years. We have sex occasionally, twice to maybe three times a month. I’m really worried because I can’t satisfy him. I would love to, but even talking about it now I feel like I want to cry.

He has suggested some things like games / watching videos / role play, but I can’t do it because I feel embarrassed. He sometimes shouts at me because he gets sexually frustrated, and says that he might even stray if I gave him permission. I really need some advice, as I feel I might lose him. Please help.

— Emma, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVdtR-rQGJI[/youtube]

Why Are You Afraid of Sex?

This could happen for many reasons including childhood abuse, parents who had issues around sex, an extremely religious upbringing, and many other reasons. And before anyone accuses us of religious bashing, we’re not talking about all religions or all religious followers, only the extreme, pathological cases.

The point here is that there are many reasons that someone could reach adulthood and literally be afraid of sex.

So what do you do when you are this person, and you’re in a wonderful relationship? Just imagine the self-doubt and worry that you would feel – wanting to please your partner but being completely unable to do so…

Here are a few suggestions on how to overcome these fears.

Educate Yourself on Your Body and Sexuality

Educate yourself about your body, sexuality, and the emotions around sex. Read books, go to seminars, look online – whatever you have to do to truly understand your body and sex.

This may seem unrelated, but I had an incredible fear of spiders, especially wolf spiders. They seemed to be everywhere. Until… One day I went to the Science Museum with my 7 year old daughter and they just happened to be doing a feature on spiders. I learned so much that day and with this new knowledge my fear of spiders was erased. I now politely help them back outside when they come in the house, rather than splattering them into oblivion.

Knowledge is power and with knowledge comes acceptance.

Where are these feelings of fear coming from? It’s absolutely crucial for you to find the origin of these feelings and deal with them. Whether it’s childhood abuse or being raised by parents who genuinely believe sex is evil, the most important thing you can do is understand where this fear is really coming from.

Only then can you deal with those emotions, accept yourself, be at peace, and move on with your life – free of this restraint.

See a Traditional Therapist

A good therapist working closely with you should be able to help you find the underlying source, or at least to get an idea where to look. When seeking a therapist, be aware of… any biases they may have. Every human being has biases, and it’s important to always understand the bias of someone you’re dealing with.

Consult a Clinical Hypnotherapist

Hypnotherapy is a little on the fringe and “out there” for many people, but it can definitely work wonders. It certainly has for us. What we really like about hypnotherapy, is that you can often find the root of a problem in just a few sessions, as opposed to visiting a traditional therapist for months on end.

Since hypnotherapy is not mainstream enough that you can go to a hospital and get treatment, be sure to see someone who’s had some verifiable training and is a certified clinical hypnotherapist. And no, you can’t be hypnotized into doing anything you wouldn’t be open to doing anyway, that’s just in the movies. What a hypnotherapist will do is help you achieve a very relaxed state so that you will be more comfortable dealing with some of your more deep seated issues. But if it makes you feel better, you can take a trusted friend or relative with you (as I did).

Certainly both therapist and hypnotherapists have their place and benefits, but our focus here is discovering the core underlying issue quickly. Then you can visit a traditional therapist to deal with your emotions as they come up over the long term.

Try some emotional clearing to find the source yourself.

It’s hard for us to find the root of our own faults because we shield ourselves from harm or pain. Our minds easily avoid the real reasons for our problems unless we make a truly focused effort, and even then it’s very hard to come up with anything useful – unless you seek help from an unbiased external source.

A really great book to read on this is “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die” by Carol Truman. It’s an easy read, but it should help you find and heal the real buried feelings and emotions behind the problems you’re experiencing.

Ultimately, your best bet if you really WANT to get this resolved is to go through all 3 of these approaches, and then really focus on the one that is working best for you.

Can you overcome your FEAR of sex before it’s too late and you lose your husband to another woman?

This is hard to say… It depends on your husband, or boyfriend, and the strength of your relationship. Remember, love is not sex and sex is not love. Don’t focus on what you might lose. It’s more important to focus on getting help for yourself first. Only then will you truly be able enjoy a sexual relationship with another person.

Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex?

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Regardless of your personal reasons for choosing sexual abstinence, you really need to talk with your partner about what is and is not OK. The boundaries are different for everyone.

What IS Sexual Abstinence?

Here’s an excellent definition from SmarterSex.org

Sexual abstinence is a choice to refrain from sexual activity. This choice is usually made for a specific reason. The reason may be moral, religious, legal, or for health and safety.

Read this question from a desperate young man who’s wondering how he can ignite the passion in his relationship – without actually having sex…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now, and we have decided to refrain from sex until marriage.

The lack of sex isn’t a problem like I said, but the main problem we are facing is a lack of intimacy. For example, we haven’t really ever made out or fooled around. We started to make out once but then all of a sudden – like something clicked in her head – she stopped abruptly.

Since then I have tried a few more times to make a move to make out with her, but every time she just seems to have a defense mechanism. I was wondering if you have any advice for me to be able to overcome this hurdle, or if you have some tips for us to try and make our relationship be more intimate without sex. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.

– Dan, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPsICFMbUKQ[/youtube]

Intimacy Without Sex

Given that you’ve agreed not to have sex, is it possible to still have sexual intimacy?

Again, that depends on how you define intimacy. Is it cuddling on the sofa, or is it giving and receiving oral sex? As you can see those are two very opposite extremes. We like to think that intimacy is a shared closeness rather than a sexual activity, but that does not have to be your definition.

Intimacy is one of those words that has different meanings for different people. That’s why it’s critical to talk to each other and find meanings and boundaries that you’re both comfortable with. This is not about anyone else and is completely between the two of you.

You see, to some, kissing is the highest form of intimacy and to others ‘getting intimate’ means sexual intercourse.

It’s time to get down to details…

Talk openly about what kinds of sexual activities you are open to and what sexual activities are absolutely off limits. Since you’re not having sex, you’re going to have to learn to talk about it openly.

Here’s my question. If you’ve never had sex, how do you define the boundaries of sexual activity?

My suggestion to answering this question is to buy some books and truly learn about your body and sex – what it is, what it isn’t. That way you can make an educated decision on where to set your personal boundaries.

Once you’ve identified the boundaries, stick to them!

Trust and communication are so important to maintain a deep level of intimacy, especially when trying to abstain from sex. You don’t want to accidentally go too far and risk ruining the opportunity for further intimacy – and damaging your relationship!

Choosing Sexual Abstinence

One thing we want everyone to consider carefully is their reasons for choosing sexual abstinence.

While we support and respect other belief systems, we do not feel that sex is either bad or evil, especially when shared between two people who are in love. We feel that sex is a natural expression of this love and should not be repressed.

Many religious organizations and parents use all kinds of scare tactics like guilt, pregnancy, and disease to keep their children, and even other consenting adults, from having sex.

Don’t fall for these scare tactics.

We believe in making an educated decision! Take the time to really do your homework, read, watch, and ask questions… Understand sex and your body, what it is and what it isn’t, and why you are choosing to refrain from having sex.

Did you get that subtle word? Choice. It’s YOUR choice to have sex or to refrain from it (assuming of course you are of the age of legal consent, which may not be the same everywhere).

You don’t have to agree with us, but don’t simply do what others are telling you to do either.

If you do choose abstinence, make sure that you are doing so because it’s the right thing for you and for your relationship – not because of guilt, religion, or parental obligation.

Ask questions and demand honest and open answers!

Want More Sex? Here’s how…

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Regardless of what you may think. Sex happens in the brain.  Our ability to feel desire, the things that turn us on, the things that make us reach climax all happen in the brain. So, if you want more sex, it’s reasonable to assume you should know more about the brain. I’ll give you the primer version.

Our brains are hard wired to respond to perceived threat in ways that will preserve our ability to survive.  These automatic reactions are called “Survival mechanisms”.  Our brain fires off chemicals that provoke us into feelings of fear for our survival.  Then we have biologically programmed ways to react to fear that aid us in surviving whatever it is that is threatening our survival.  You don’t really have a choice about what you are feeling when you perceive yourself to be in a threatening situation.  Your brain takes over.  Our brains are very powerful in affecting how we feel and how we respond.

You see our brains have been programmed through biology and culture to respond in ways that will insure our survival in primitive situations. Your brain doesn’t really get it that if you perceive your job is being threatened you will not die.  It really feels like you will.  Your brain doesn’t know that if your husband/wife/partner is angry with you and you think they might leave you that you won’t die.  Your brain doesn’t know that when a friend calls your character into question, that you won’t die.  Your brain doesn’t discriminate between actual threat for your survival and emotional threat.

Our brains are divided into sections.  As we evolved as a species we went from depending on simple functions to the very complex brain that we now have as human beings. Our reptilian ancestors brains comprised of three cleanly defined sections: the front part allows for smell, the middle for vision, and the rear allows us balance and coordination. And those basic survival instincts were cordoned off in a space between the smell and vision sections, a kind of command post with the scientific name of “diencephalon”.  This part of the brain holds our drives for food, our  “fight-or-flight” aggression reactions, and of course, sex.

Our brains further evolved into what is known as the “mammalian” brain when our left and right cerebral hemispheres developed.  More and more circuits had to be added to process the more complex functions of the life and culture of our mammalian ancestors and our brains grew in size.  But we still rely on that command post to assist us in our primary need: survival. This relic of the past fights our evolved brains more flexible reactions and tends to take over when we perceive that we need them.

This very powerful tiny walnut sized part of our brain, set inside our brain stem, is called our “hypothalamus”. It injects our system with electrical stimulus evoking anger, anxiety and acute fear.  Most of the time, we are able to maintain mastery over this part of our brain. But now and again our animal senses tell us that our survival or our well-being is being challenged and that package of survival programs, called “emotions” erupt.

It’s like you have two brains in one body. Your emotional states that evolved to help you survive; and the other which is ruled by reason.  The old brain; and the new brain in one package: your skull.

Okay, now, back to sex…

When we feel emotional threat, we respond with this primitive part of our brain.  We feel scared, and our defenses go on autopilot.  We feel angry and protective and either withdraw or go into attack mode to regain a sense of control.  While it is possible to feel a need to have sex from this place, it’s more of a desire for dominance than it is the kind of intimacy that we most need and want.

Women tend to be turned off by men who display the need for this type of sexual encounter, if they aren’t it’s because they have never experienced the other kind.   And even if they will put up with it for a while, eventually they will stop wanting to participate because it just doesn’t feel good.  It feels scary and unsafe.

Safety is what leads to continued, warm intimate and frequent sex. When we feel safe with our partner our brains kick into a mode that allows us to drop our boundaries and allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability we need to feel in order to experience deep sexual intimacy.  Being afraid triggers the old brain into survival mode and sets up firm boundaries that keep distance between us. ant More Sex

So, if you want more sex, work toward more emotional safety in your relationship.  Emotional safety is accomplished by awareness of and sensitivity to what our partner is feeling.  It means being aware that when our partner feels threatened and is yelling or acting angry toward us, we listen to what is underneath their angry behavior. We ask them for more information about what may have hurt them and own up to our part in whatever occurred.  This doesn’t mean passively letting them have their way, it means sharing about what we honestly feel and negotiating a result that works for both of you.

Our old brain is tricky.  It can make us think that something is threatening when it’s not. It can make us think we are being attacked when we are not.  Being sensitive to what may trigger our partner into feeling they are being attacked helps us be more aware of what might be standing in the way of more intimacy (i.e. more sex).

500 Sex Tips and Love Making Secrets That Everyone Ought to Know

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Think back to your last date, or more specifically, to the last time you and your partner had sex …

Do you remember the steam, the excitement, the sheer animal passion when you made love… how you couldn’t help from literally tearing each other’s clothes off in the heat of passion?

No, not on your last date? Maybe the one before? Well, you get the point…

That SHOULD be your sex life, but it isn’t. So let’s find out why and FIX IT.

You’ll want to read all the way to end of this post so that you don’t miss a single great idea.

The good news – it’s not your fault! Our culture has so demonized sex and love making, that most parents won’t even have a proper discussion about sex with their children or even show affection in public. The real irony here is that we are sexual beings – it’s hard wired into our DNA.

It’s absolutely amazing how many people think sex is basically missionary position, and with the lights off. Can you say boring? Who wants to do that three times a week, really? Can you imagine having the exact same item for dinner the rest of your life?

So are you destined for a boring sex life when you KNOW there are people out there having mind-numbingly amazing and enjoyable sex?

Has this ever happened to you?

You’ve just started dating a great guy or girl, and they’re wonderful. You’re really hitting it off. But a few weeks into your relationship, they start to get cold and distant, making excuses and getting too busy for you.

You may catch a hushed mention of a previous lover, maybe when they’re chatting with a trusted friend, maybe on the phone, or worse – on the phone with their ex. Fact is, people often break up for reasons other than sex, but great sex will keep them ing back to their previous lover again, and again, and again… even when it’s against their better judgement.

So how do you become one of these incredible lovers that no one can leave or resist?

Here’s our review of, Oprah Love Expert, Michael Webb’s excellent guide 500 Love Making Tips & Secrets.

I’m sure you’ll be as excited as we were when we started flipping through the pages. Michael Webb has one of the best collections of sex tips and lovemaking advice around.

Here are just a few of the tips you’ll discover in 500 Love Making Tips & Secrets:

  • An item in the frozen food section that will send shivers up and down your mates body in a very surprising way
  • Something in your toiletry bag which doubles as an amazing lovemaking toy
  • 2 novel ways to use mirrors in lovemaking that you probably never heard of
  • Several natural ways to add length to your penis (two you can even test out tonight)
  • the one month a guy’s testosterone peaks
  • A great way to invirate someone who is too tired for sex
  • What colored light bulbs will intensify orgasms
  • How to get firmer erections and prevent premature ejaculation without medicines
  • The two things done in combination that will blow his mind
  • A sexy lubrication tip that will have him, well, enough said
  • What food and drink you should avoid the 24 hours before making love to avoid unpleasant odors
  • Food items to consume so your juices are sweeter (some might surprise you)
  • One simple trick to make your wife scream in delight like never before
  • Which smells can instantly increase penile blood flow by up to 40%
  • Where and how to touch your guy when he is about to orgasm that will have him explode like a firecracker (even he probably doesn’t know this trick)
  • Ways to use your mouth on her that will drive her absolutely wild
  • Something to do with your hands when you are entering her that will excite her even more

Michael Webb also includes some really great dating tips to help you make your creative dates a success instead of a flop. And he also tells you how to avoid some potentially devastating dating disasters.

500 Love Making Tips & Secrets also gives you a run down of the most common love making positions (and additional ones for the adventurous and athletic) along with explanations of the benefits of each one.

There’s also a Lubrication Guide that gives you the pros and cons of the more popular products on the market, so you’ll know what’s fun and safe and what you should stay away from.

500 Love Making Tips & Secrets includes many wild, exciting and juicy ideas, but Michael Webb stays true to his promise that none of them are immoral, degrading, perverted, or raunchy. Bummer… We like some of the kinky stuff.

Summary:

While we found some of the tips and ideas in 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets to be a little light, and we don’t necessarily agree with his viewpoints on pornography, there are definitely a lot of great lovemaking tips and ideas that are worth trying at least once, and many that you’ll probably keep using over and over again.

Overall we highly recommend this book.

Get your copy right now before you get busy and forget. Surprise your partner with the best lovemaking they’ve had in a long time.

While you’re at it, you’ll definitely want to check out Michael’s other terrific resources below.

One of our personal favorites is Lick by Lick – How to Go Down on a Woman and Have Her Begging for More.

Don’t put it off.

You’ll kick yourself if you don’t get 500 Love Making Tips & Secrets today.

Sex Tips – The REAL Secret to Sexual Confidence

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Sex can be a wonderful and exciting part of any relationship, bringing great joy to both (or more) partners. But so often a couple just isn’t sexually in sync. For whatever reason, they just don’t click sexually.

A common reason for these sex problems is the lack of open and honest communication.

This is a deeply engrained societal issue… people just aren’t comfortable talking openly about sex, not even with their sex partners. And guess what – your partner isn’t going to read your mind. If you don’t let them know what you want, they won’t know.

When lovers do talk, it’s often about the physical – the logistics of love making, not about their deep fantasies and desires. So often we get questions from people who can’t seem to get a particular sex position just right.

It’s not about getting the other person to orgasm in any particular position or another, but rather about feeling desired, felling wanted, feeling your partner’s lust and craving for you – feeling the intense heat of passion. And it’s about making your partner experience that as well.

That’s something to strive for. It’s that shared desire that brings great sexual confidence.

Today’s question is from a lady dealing with the difficult issue of sexual confidence.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I find myself burdened with an unfortunate insecurity. I don’t feel confident in bed. I have had a number of good and bad relationships that have left me knowing a lot about my soul, but little about success in bed. My first sex partner used to become extremely angry and offended if I didn’t want to have sex. He would lay guilt trips down, refuse to speak to me, or yell. It wasn’t until after leaving the relationship that I realized how badly it made me feel about myself, and how unnecessary/abusive it was. I dated another boy after him who was just the opposite, we dated for 3 years and he rarely initiated sex, not wanting to make me feel pressured. We spoke freely of our feelings, and by the end he felt more comfortable being aggressive. The second relationship helped me feel comfortable with myself and men, however neither relationship really left me feeling like a sex goddess.

Now, I have finally found someone who is helping me explore my sexual side. I recently started dating a French man I met, and he really knows how to turn me on! The problem is… with every boyfriend, I have never been able to get a guy to cum from a blow job, and I’ve never really been the one on top during sex. Frenchie keeps trying to get me on top, but every time I do, it’s like I’ve broken his penis! I’m 140 lbs, not obese; and he’s no waif… His penis is medium size, so it’s not as if it’s some stub that would break if a sparrow sat on it! I’ve tried sitting straight up and moving up and down, or leaning forward and moving forward and back, but while he is encouraging, it’s never successful. I’m also afraid that sitting straight up leads me to bouncing rather than riding… and that seems to hurt! As for the blow-jobs, I can’t seem to get a rhythm; or when I do (and this is highly embarrassing) he jokingly asked if I would like to breath!

He is perfectly confident and supportive, and I’d really like to get over my insecurities. I’m sorry for such a long explanation and please, if you have any advice, it would do a lot of help.

Desperately,
Finally French (Pennsylvania)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTn6yPtFNAU[/youtube]

Check out this resource we recommend to really spice up your sex life: