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How Do I Get Past My First Time Swinger Fears?

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Many couples, especially those who have been together for a long time, are interested in swinging.  If you and your partner find yourselves interested in swinging, take heart.

It’s totally normal and healthy to want to experience your sexuality outside of your current relationship.

It’s also normal to be scared. There are a lot of ways that swinging can go wrong, especially if it’s something you’ve never done before.  How can you get over your fears?  Is swinging right for you?

Make sure swinging is right for you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants to start swinging, I would like too also but I was a virgin when we met at 15yrs old… and now 37yrs old to be with another man seems so weird and scary. How do I get past my nerves and fears?

– Sandy, Las Vegas

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwkYHMdQn7w[/youtube]

Making sure swinging is right for you

Swinging isn’t right for every couple. If the idea of swinging makes you and your partner feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, it’s certainly not something you have to force yourself to do.  If you and your partner are, however, interested in swinging, there are a few things you need to look at first before taking the plunge.

Are you both interested in swinging or is one partner pushing the other to do it?  If both partners aren’t equally interested in swinging, it could make for a disaster later on down the road when you’ve met up with another couple.  Talk to each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Is your relationship based on a solid foundation?  If it is, you have more of a chance of successfully swinging.  If your relationship has trust issues or self esteem issues embedded deep  within, you might end up making things worse for yourselves.  If you have issues, work them out before you start swinging.

Take it slowly.

If you and your partner have decided to swing, but never have before, it’s important to take things slowly — very slowly!  Jumping in to a full on swinging session when you’re not even familiar with the situation can make one or both partners feel very uncomfortable.

Start slow so you and your partner can really get a feel for what swinging is like, without having to jump in right away.  Visit swinging clubs in your area just to watch, or get on a swinging website to ask questions and get to know real couples who like to swing.

If you’re uncomfortable at all, say so!

You can use a code word with your partner or you can simply whisper in their ear, but if you’re uncomfortable it’s important that you speak up right then!  There’s no sense in letting something that makes you uncomfortable go on and on and then getting mad about it later. That will most certainly ruin swinging for both you and your partner.

If you know beforehand what types of activities will make you uncomfortable, make it known before you take the plunge into swinging. That way things that make you uncomfortable can be avoided.

All in all, swinging can be a lot of fun if it’s done with the right couple, if your relationship is strong and if you feel confident enough to voice your concerns if something doesn’t feel right to you.  You can set yourself up for swinging success and get over your fears by taking it slow and not doing anything that would put you in a compromising position.

Just relax and have fun, and you’ll be surprised where swinging with your partner can take you!

Is It True That Orgasms Kill Brain Cells?

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While that may seem like a silly question, it’s actually not.

What it is, however, is urban legend.  Many people hear these types of urban legends from their friends or from their relatives, and they were probably started to discourage people from having sex.

Remember the one about how masturbation gives you hairy palms?  Or about how masturbation can cause blindness?  Truth be told, masturbation causes none of these things and the same can be said of orgasms.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Do orgasms kill brain cells?

– Kristen, Pennsylvania

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnFSJyq0TVE[/youtube]

But wasn’t there a study?

That said, there is probably a study out there, somewhere, that suggests otherwise.  Of course there is!  There are studies all over the place that suggest things are harmful, but other studies that suggest that they’re not.

For example, studies for the longest time showed that red wine and chocolate were harmful to the body and recent studies are showing that red wine and dark chocolate are full of antioxidants and are actually good for you.

So you need to take what you hear with a big grain of salt and, of course, consider the source of the information.

Did you hear that orgasms kill brain cells from someone who might have an ulterior motive, such as someone who would want to keep you from having sex?  Or did you hear it from a friend who might want to be jerking your chain? What about finding the information on the Internet?  Who published it and what website did you find it on?

Do some digging and you might just find out what you heard or read is complete bull, and that’s true for a lot of things.  If you hear of something you suspect to be true or untrue, make sure the source that you heard or read it from is credible.

What’s most important?

The most important thing is for you to live your life.  If you really think about it, there’s something to be afraid of around every corner you turn.  Statistics point this way and that way and every time you turn around, there’s a new epidemic to be frightened of or studies that show something you’ve done for years is suddenly bad for you.

If you don’t learn to just live your life and dismiss complete bunk right along with your kitchen garbage, you’ll spend the majority of your life preparing for the worst and most likely watching nothing happen.

That said, it’s important to be smart and safe as well.  Does Bloody Mary appear in the bathroom mirror when you turn out all the lights and say her name three times?  No.  Do orgasms kill brain cells?  No.  Does masturbation cause hairy palms and blindness?  No.

Does unprotected sex have the possibility to cause pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases?  Sure does. So make sure when you do have sex that you’re being safe about it and you’re not engaging in something that really is dangerous to you.

Don’t miss the forest for the trees and ignore safe sex because you’re worried about orgasms killing your brain cells.  You’ll be just fine as long as you play it safe and play it smart.

Can We Salvage Our Sex Life If We Don’t Fit Together Physically?

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It’s a fact of life. Physically, we’re all different.

We’re different shapes and sizes when it comes to our chests, butts and legs, so why wouldn’t it be true with our genitals?

Well, it is true.  Everyone’s penis and vagina is shaped differently from someone else’s, so it’s entirely possible to get a mismatch in shape and size.

What can you do if you feel like you’re physically and sexually incompatible with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m married and had an affair. Okay, I’m not perfect. It’s been over for a while now.  But this isn’t about that.

I’ve found over the last couple of years that the shape of my wife’s vagina isn’t — I don’t know — right for me.  I have a very hard time climaxing with her.  I am reasonably certain that it isn’t something about me, because I haven’t had the same problem with other women.

Is there something we can do, or am I doomed to a lackluster sex life?

– Brian, Oregon

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaFHIYk4IX4[/youtube]

Explore other avenues

Make sure you’re not judging your mismatch in shape and size solely on one or two sexual positions.

Grab a copy of the Kama Sutra and give a few other angles a try. You might be having trouble “clicking” with your partner in one position, but from a different angle or in a different position, you two might fit together like Legos.

Even if all the possible positions and angles have been exhausted and you’re still not getting anywhere, try a few other sexual techniques before you give up all together.  You can certainly try oral sex or anal sex, or try using toys, lubricants and other sexual enhancers.

The idea is to try more than one way to have sex with your partner so if it still isn’t working, you can truly say that you did try and that you know it’s not.

What if it really isn’t working?

That’s when it comes time to really look at your relationship.  Is your relationship strong enough to withstand a lukewarm sex life?  Do you love your partner enough to want to be with them and share your life with them even in spite of problems in the bedroom and incompatibly shaped genitals?  If so, then relax.

Enjoy being with your partner and living life with them. There are other ways to be intimate with your partner and feel close to them outside of the bedroom.  Depending on the strength of your partnership and your trust in each other, you could consider having an open relationship.  If you do so, just remember to be safe and smart about it.

Although it may seem harsh, if you really take a look at your relationship and find that without a great sex life there isn’t really anything else there, it might be time to move on.  This won’t be easy, especially if you care a lot about your partner.  But you have to be honest with yourself. If it’s not working, admit it.  You’ll feel better about this decision if you know you really did try to make it work.

No matter how this situation ends, one thing is for sure. You need to be honest with your partner about what is going on.  It’s not fair to keep them in the dark about something that is rocking the boat or could potentially end the relationship.  Share with your partner how you’re feeling sexually, and how you feel like there is a mismatch in the mechanics.  Do they feel the same way?

Let your partner in when you’re trying new and exciting things in the bedroom and if it’s really, truly not working, it’s important that you are honest with your partner about that as well.  Discuss the possibility of an open relationship or the possibility of ending the relationship.  Perhaps you can both come to an agreement or compromise that works well for you and your partner.

My Vagina Is Too Small To Enjoy Sex – What Can I Do?

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There are many women who have never had an orgasm.

For those who have regular or multiple orgasms, this seems absurd. But for the women who truly have never experienced one, it’s a painful reality.

Fortunately, there is help on the horizon for women who want to enjoy sex with their partners and end up feeling satisfied after a climax.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I, of 7 months, are rarely having sex.

I was told by OBGYN that I was so small in the vaginal region that I should purchase dilators to prevent tearing.  I have never torn but honestly do not enjoy sex with my husband.   We do talk about it openly and honestly, but in the end, it’s not rewarding for me, and to top it off my husband says “men never have bad sex” what a charmer.

As a good Christian wife, how can I find ways to enjoy it and or have an orgasm? never happened. Suggestions?

-Tabby, TX

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4EoyI05VyA[/youtube]

Get your doctor’s advice.

Look to your OBGYN for an explanation first.  Is your vagina too small?  Is your cervix tilted, making your G-spot harder to get to?  There are many things that your OBGYN can do to help.  If that road goes nowhere, you can always get the help of a sex therapist.

Sex therapists are wonderful. They’ll get you back on track with your sex life by helping you open up and discover both the physical and psychological reasons that are keeping you from having an orgasm.

Try new things.

Many women who have never had an orgasm admit to never having masturbated or tried a sexual position other than missionary during intercourse with their partners.  First of all, masturbation is one of the best ways to learn about your body and to learn how you like to be touched and what feels good.  If you don’t know what feels good and what will bring you to orgasm, how will your partner know?

You need to be in control so you can give your partner a few directions during the deed to help him to get you to climax.  If you don’t feel comfortable masturbating, start slow.  Start by touching yourself just a few times and go from there.  Relax. Masturbation by men and women is a completely natural thing.

Second, missionary positions rarely lead to orgasms for women so if that’s all you’ve tried or the position you use regularly, it’s a good idea to try a few new positions to figure out which one works the best.  Many women love to be on top.

They can control the speed and depth of penetration as well as gain clitoral friction to help them reach orgasm faster and have a more powerful climax.  There are dozens and dozens of different positions that you can try. Don’t be afraid to speak up and let your partner know that you’d like to do it “this way” for a change.  He’ll probably be more than happy to roll with the punches.

You can also incorporate other things such as sex toys and lubricants to enhance sexual play.  If you’ve never tried oral sex either, that can be a wonderful way to achieve orgasm and since the pleasure is focused solely on the woman, it allows her to revel in what feels good and orgasms will often come naturally this way.

The point is to experiment. If you’ve never had an orgasm, don’t continue doing the same thing you’re doing, hoping that one will come along someday.  Mix it up, try new things and see where they take you.  If you find a good position or a good toy to use, make note of it and use it more often.  Experimenting and trying new things in the bedroom is all part of a healthy sexual relationship, so give it a shot!

Oral Sex and Orgasm Dilemma – I Want To Finish In Her Mouth…

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Men love blow jobs. That’s a fact.

Many men also love finishing in a woman’s mouth during a blow job.

It can make them feel powerful or good about themselves and for some men, it just feels better physically to orgasm in a woman’s mouth than finishing another way.

Unfortunately, not all women relish the idea of having a man orgasm in her mouth.

There can be many different reasons why, but if you’re a man who enjoys finishing in a woman’s mouth, it can be disheartening when she doesn’t want to.  What can you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

When my wife gives me a blow job, she can’t quite let me finish in her mouth. Is there any advice you can give her?

– Pete, Alberta

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b-wYK7D3qg[/youtube]

It’s a texture thing

Some women don’t like the texture or consistency of ejaculate.  There’s no need to get into details here, but ejaculate in a woman’s mouth may make her gag simply because of the consistency and texture.  If this is her primary reason for not wanting you to finish in her mouth, there’s not too much you can do about it.  Can you finish elsewhere?

It’s a taste thing

Many women dislike the taste of ejaculate.  That’s not bad news because the taste of your ejaculate can differ depending on what you eat.  Garlic and onions may make your ejaculate taste bitter while strawberries and sweet fruits will make your ejaculate taste sweeter.

If this is your partner’s issue, you can change your diet to make your ejaculate easier to swallow.  Just remember to get feedback from your partner about what foods work well and what doesn’t.

It’s a gag reflex thing

Many women have big gag reflexes. It can’t be helped!  While she may be able to tolerate deep throating and blow jobs in general, ejaculate in her mouth might send her over the edge.  This is also something that you can’t really do anything about, so if this is the case, you should discuss with your partner some other ways to finish you while still making it feel good.

It’s a mental thing

Having a man ejaculate in her mouth is a very personal and even submissive thing for a woman.  If your partner was abused in any way, sexually or physically, she may have some serious issues with letting go and letting you finish in her mouth.

If your partner has emotional reasons for not wanting to let you orgasm in her mouth, have her talk to a therapist and work out some of her inner issues.  If she does let you finish in her mouth, it’s important to be supportive and positive, and show her that you truly do care and you’re not just using her.

There are many great ways for a man to have an orgasm with a woman after a blow job, without having to finish in her mouth.  Get creative and find different ways that she can please you without having to swallow ejaculate.

If the idea of ejaculating in her mouth really turns you on but she simply can’t come to terms with it, try flavored condoms or regular condoms that are made for this specific purpose.  The feeling might decrease a little bit, but you’ll get to finish in her mouth and she won’t have to swallow it so everyone wins!

Most of all, it’s important to talk with your partner about these issues and find common ground so you can both get pleasure from oral sex.