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When Swinger Sex Goes Horribly Wrong…

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Threesomes and swinging are on most male fantasy lists, but what happens when it goes horribly wrong?

Over the course of my three marriages I have been encouraged by husbands to engage in a variety of interesting (and some downright bizarre) possible sexual behaviors.  Of course, I tended to marry sex addicts, so the range of possibilities stretched a lot further than my sensibilities.

Along the way, I’ve been “encouraged” to participate in all kinds of things that became problems later on.  Some of these were physically not a good idea, and I won’t go into that!

My first husband liked fantasies.  I am quite creative so I was able to come up with all kinds of fun and innocent stories to keep him excited.  I became good at playing the part and keeping things spicy – nothing dangerous or problematic there.  But then eventually with some of the stories, he liked the idea of making them happen.  These included other people.

While I can appreciate the desire to add spice and variety to the bedroom, I’ve discovered through my own (and others) experiences, there are some kinds of behaviors that are a set up for disaster.  When you open the door and invite another person into the intimate connection with your partner you are inviting in trouble.

Now, in theory, I will conjecture that there are couples secure enough with each other where they can have flings with other people and not do any perceivable damage to their relationship.  I’ve just never seen it happen that way personally…

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

While this is one experience, Dan and I have seen many successful open/swinging relationships… Even though we don’t agree with with everything in this article, we wanted to publish it to show what can happen when you get into swinging for the wrong reasons.

It is critical to be honest with yourself and you partner. Never allow another person to ‘push’ you into something that you’re not comfortable with. For a swinging relationship to be successful, it has to be something that both partners want, not just grudgingly agree to.

What tends to happen is that one member of the couple is more motivated than the other to pursue the “Swinger” lifestyle.  For whatever reason, having one sexual partner for the rest of their life is not appealing, but they like having a life partner.

Therefore that partner encourages the other to participate in this “exciting” adventure of “Swinging”.  Then both partners agree to it using certain ground rules.

Unfortunately, most of us are driven by feelings and impulses that have little to do with rational thought.  So then here we are, for whatever reason, in a three or four-some with our significant other being sexual, or maybe we are just swapping.  Either way, we have added unpredictable dimensions into the intimate setting of our sexual and personal relationship with our partner.

What’s predictable about it is that someone will end up hurt.  The “ground rules” will be broken and someone ends up feeling betrayed and hurt.  But, because the boundaries of the relationships fidelity were broken by the entire process of  “Swinging” already, the “acting out” partner feels like they have done nothing “wrong”.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

This is where we completely disagree. It is NOT guaranteed that someone will get hurt.

In a swinging relationship, the only time someone gets hurt is when one person breaks the rules or is dishonest, or is not open about their feelings. It’s critical to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings before, during, and after any sexual experience with another individual or couple.

We can’t say this enough! Swinging or Open Relationships are only for couples who are VERY secure in their relationship and have enough self confidence to prevent jealousy issues. Swinging is NOT a relationship fix…

After all, the injured partner already said it’s “okay” to have sex with other people.

Often this ends the relationship and on painful terms, at least for the partner whose ground rules were broken.

Linda and Mark had been dating for about four years, and they had a very active, passionate sex life.  Mark had encouraged Linda to try all kind of things that had been outside the range of her previous history, but because they pleased Mark, Linda enjoyed them.  Over time, Mark pushed the boundaries even further.  He wanted to experience having sex with two women at one time.

Linda admitted to being curious about what that would be like, so they found a willing partner.  For a while, they enjoyed this three-some with jubilance and it added a lot to their excitement for each other. When they were not having sex with her, they were fantasizing about having sex with her.  Before long, though, Linda found herself wanting time with the girl alone, without Mark.  She didn’t see the harm in it, after all, having sex with another woman was not breaking their marital vows was it?

Unfortunately, Mark did not feel that way when he found them together one night when he arrived home early from work.  Mark felt betrayed and could never look at Linda the same way again. Their relationship did not survive.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

Duh! Are we the only ones who see the problem here? Cheating is a breaking of trust. Having sex with another person without your partners agreement is cheating! Had she talked to Mark about her feelings, this situation could have been avoided all together.

So to us, this example represents an underlying communication issue. Linda did not feel comfortable sharing her feelings with Mark. That’s what broke them up – not the other girl…

Jane and Richard had been married for about three years when Richard started pushing Jane to go to “Swingers clubs” and see if there was a couple that they both agreed they’d like to engage in sex with.  Jane was uncertain, but she went and eventually did find a couple they agreed upon.  Richard loved this and told Jane how crazy he was about her and that he was really happy.

Richard bought Jane gifts and seemed to be happier than Jane had ever seen him. She felt good about her choices.  One night they went to a bar together, to meet yet another potential “Swinger” couple.  But this time only the woman was there.  Richard became flirtatious and “handsy” with the other woman.  He would pat Jane reassuringly occasionally.

Jane’s heart was broken.  From this point, she tried to pull back and change the “ground rules” for their relationship. Richard wouldn’t hear of it, and decided they should separate and re-evaluate their relationship.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

So why was Jane’s heart broken? What was she expecting – a night of poker? They were going to meet swingers…

Did she tell him how his made her feel at the time, or did she just get jealous and brood over it the whole evening?

If you’re ever in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable – deal with right then. Letting an issue fester over night, or for days, can ruin your relationship because the jealousy monster takes over pretty quickly and likes to stay in control. Also, rather than backing away completely, perhaps Jane could have expressed her feelings in a non-threatening way and asked Richard to not do that again.

I feel that there’s more to this story than what we’re being told here.  It’s rarely one incident that  turns the tide…

Again – talk, talk, talk!!! Most of these issues could easily be avoided with a little honestly and open communication.

In both cases, the “Swinging” started out as something “fun and exciting” and ended up breaking hearts.  Why?

For one thing, the relationships we have are fragile gifts not to be toyed with in the way we sometimes have a tendency to do.  Our connections are more fragile than we think they are and our ability to let someone into our innermost layers is dependent on a lot of factors.

To learn more about the swinger lifestyle check out our Swinger Sex Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

To find swinger sex partners in your area, check out our favorite adult personals website.

Does Wanting to See My Wife Have Sex With Another Man Make Me Gay?

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One of the most popular fantasies out there is the idea of the threesome…

Most men love the idea of seeing their woman have sex with another woman while they watch, or the idea of having two women have sex with him at the same time.

But threesome fantasies don’t stop there…

There are also men out there, who love the idea of watching their woman have sex with another man.

Here’s an interesting question.  If a man enjoys the idea of watching his woman have sex with another man, does this make him gay?

Here’s a question from Michael whose fantasies have him wondering about his sexuality.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have talked jokingly about threesomes in the past. But recently she’s been bringing up the idea more often. I’m worried about what she would want afterwards like if she’d wanna bring home a guy. I don’t know how to respond…

I have entertained the thought of watching her have sex with another man while I watch. Would that make me gay to enjoy watching it? Also, I had more homo erotic thoughts but haven’t gotten hard around a guy that’s straight.

Am I just curious, confused or bi?

— Michael, Massachusetts

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwjZNE5MimE[/youtube]

Does This Mean I’m Gay?

We’re all sexual beings. We all have a unique ideas and fantasies, things that turn us on. Don’t get stuck on labels and just consider yourself ‘sexual’. It’s very common, and very exciting for most men, to think of their girlfriend as bi-curious, but most men get a little nervous when they think of a bi-curious boy.

But on that topic… We ran an online dating site for over three years and were very surprised by the large number of bisexual or bi-curious men. It’s not as uncommon as you might like to think.

There’s nothing wrong with being bi-curious, bisexual, or gay. That’s just your sexual preference. The sooner you get in touch with your own sexual preferences and desires, the happier and more fulfilled your sex life will be.

On The Topic Of Threesomes

So the idea of watching your partner with another man or woman that you really excited – and you have talked to one another enough to know that it gets your partner excited as well…

Here three tips to help make your first threesome more successful:

1. Talk About It

Before you and your partner set out to act out your fantasies of having a threesome, it’s critical that you both talk about it and understand why you want to do it. It’s also important to talk about what kind of threesome you are interested in.

Do you want to see your girlfriend with another woman, or perhaps another man. Do you want to see your boyfriend with another woman or another man. Do you both want to be intimately involved, or you prefer to just watch.

It’s also important to talk about who this third person will be. Will it be a close friend?  Will it be a stranger? Do you want to be friends with him or her afterword are you just looking for one night stand? What should his or her age be? What should they look like?

It’s important to talk about the details up front so that you don’t end up fighting over something silly halfway down the road…

2. Set Boundaries And Stick To Them

Boundaries…

This is an important one that many people overlook. Before your first threesome, and your second, and your third, talk about what’s OK and what’s not. Where is your comfort zone? Where is your partners comfort zone? Are there any actions that are forbidden?

It’s a worthwhile exercise to actually take the time to write down what is OK and one is not. We have some good friends who jokingly refer to their first list… it must’ve been 100 items long. You can do this.  You can’t do that.  This is OK.  That’s not. — Now they have just two runs a list away. That works for them. Your list may get longer. The important thing here is that you talk about it and agree on the ground rules before during and after.

3.  Try It And Then Talk About It Some More

Once everyone’s happy and feels COMPLETELY comfortable, go for it. Try it. See how it feels and talk about those feelings. What surprised you? What didn’t? Did the experience go as you expected it? Do you want to do it again?

Hopefully by now you get the point…

Communication is critical in your relationship and even more important when you bring other people into the relationship.

We can’t say it enough… Talk. Talk.  Talk.

Curious Virgin Swingers – Honey the Neighbors are HOT!

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Imagine meeting another couple, neighbors, co-workers, other parents… You become good friends or your kids become good friends, and you find yourself spending lots of time together.

And then one evening, maybe after a few drinks by the pool, you start to notice that they’re really hot, you start feeling some sexual tension all around, and you start having these ‘thoughts’…

You might actually like to have sex with them!

Those thoughts are typically followed by thoughts like “Am I a bad person?“, “Do they feel the same way?”, “What will my partner think?”.

Soon your head is spinning… What do you do? Do you act on these feelings or just keep them as your secret fantasies?

Here’s a question from Randy who seems to have some really hot neighbors!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few years ago, we had a younger couple move next door to us. The sexual tone between us and the other couple is ever increasing.

I’m interested in having sex with them but I am not sure about my wife. I haven’t shared my feelings with her yet. I’m very open regarding my sexual life. Should I be looking for clues regarding to the possibility of swinging with them?

This would be a first for us but I think it would be a lot of fun as long as guideline and rules are followed such as the one posted in your site.

— Randy, Washington

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiERpb98eK4[/youtube]

First Time Swingers

If you’re thinking about swinging with your partner for the first time, we have one rule above all others…

TALK To Your Partner. It’s not going to happen without them.

If you’re a man, there’s one more thing you need to understand. In the swinging community, the women control the show. If she’s not interested, again – it’s not going to happen.

There are a lot of different ways that you can approach her to find out if she’s at least curious about swinging. Talk to her, hint around a bit, make her feel safe talking seductively about other women and men, etc.

You’ll need to know if she’s at least curious about other women and or men. And, you’ll need to ask yourself this question – “How do you feel about her being with another man or couple?”.

All of these questions need to be addressed upfront to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings later.

How Do We Know If They Want To Play With Us?

As to whether or not the other couple is interested, ask yourself if you’re feeling sexual tension between the four of you.

Listen to your gut, your intuition. If you do, you’ll always know when somebody is lying to you, you’ll always know when someone likes you, and you’ll always know if someone, or everyone, in the room wants to get it on or not.

If you just listen to yourself and trust your instincts – you’ll know.

If you’re feeling it, everyone else is too. There’s a big difference in you being attracted to someone and lots of mutual sexual tension in the air. That kind of energy is too hot to miss. You’ll know the difference if you just listen and pay attention.

Your First Time

If you’re going to have sex with someone other than your spouse, whether you call it swinging, wife swapping, or a threesome… Your first time should probably NOT be with your neighbors, your co-workers, or with your casual couple friends – unless you’re all very clear about it and are very comfortable about it.

If it goes weird, and the first time is much more likely to go weird, you run the risk of losing a friendship. So be very cautious about swinging with someone that you know and that your going to hang out with everyday.

Similar to an office romance… It’s not normally a good idea.

There are plenty of people who enjoy swinging on a regular basis. We recommend that your first time be with a more experienced couple that you can learn from and get an understanding of the lifestyle and how it typically works.

There are lots of great dating websites and swinger clubs where you can just go to look, flirt, and get comfortable before diving in head first.

And again… Talk to each other openly and honestly about your feelings as they come up – before, during, and after!

Virgin Swingers – Am I A BAD Person If I Want to Have Sex with Our Friends?

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Some couples have a truly amazing, exotic sex life that’s enough to make most anyone jealous.

But there’s more to a great sex life than endless sexual adventures and erotic games.

It’s not even about those amazing mind-shattering orgasms that many have heard about, but few have ever experienced.

The real secret lies in really playing together and being completely open with your lover, your playmate, your partner in crime. Open up and share your fantasies, and indulge your partner in theirs. That’s the well kept secret of those with the truly incredible sex lives.

Here’s a question from a woman who would love to enhance her and her husband’s sex life by having sex with some of their friends, but she’s terribly afraid of what others will think of her…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi this is a tough question for me because we were asked to do something with some friends of ours that I thought I would never do. They asked us to have sex with them!

Is it possible to have sex with this couple and still remain friends with each other? We do a lot together and I can see the sexual tension between all of us. We want to do it but we are not sure how to start it.

There are also kids. I don’t want to do anything with the kids around is that a smart idea. I really want to do this but I am nervous and scared and don’t know what to do. We all know that we love our spouses and that sex is as far as it will go.

Am I a bad person for wanting to have sex with someone else other than my husband? He is the only one I have had sex with. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this and I need some advice. We are all really good friends and don’t want to ruin our friendship either please help me. What should I do?

– Heather, Iowa

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W4rUuy8TcU[/youtube]

So… How About a Threesome? Or Maybe Even Swinging?

In expanding their sex lives, many couples come across that point where they consider a threesome – or even consider inviting another couple into their bedroom. Gasp!

Sure, bringing another woman into their bed is possibly the most popular male fantasy of all time. But finding that ever elusive single girl that likes to play with couples in her spare time is more challenging than some might think.

Fact is, most single girls like to go out and have sex with single men – not with couples.

Of course there’s a lot of social stigmas around “swinging”, but the reality today is very different. Rather than the old “wife swapping” lifestyle of decades past, some couples today choose to try new things to spice up their sex life, and this new thing may or may not include playing with other singles or couples.

This is not about “swinger groupies” – people who don’t care about much other than having sex with others in large orgies, and hanging out at swinger lifestyle conventions. It’s about a couple experimenting and trying a new thing or another to add more spice to their sex life. THAT’S IT!

What’s truly amazing is that for something with such stigma, over 20 million Americans engage in sex multiple partners, together with their spouses. And the most popular adult personals site shows a consistent number in each state, regardless of religious or political stereotypes.

Are you a bad person if you WANT to have sex with your friends?

Think back… maybe back to your college days. Have you ever had one of those late nights hanging out with some friends, another couple? You know the feeling… you’ve all had a little too much to drink, and card games are starting to become a contact sport. You look around the room and everyone’s feeling the excitement, the sexual tension.

And while you’re pretty excited to cross a boundary here, you’re terrified. Are you suddenly a bad person? Are you taking advantage of your friends? Are they taking advantage of you? Is it cheating to be even having those thoughts? Are you asking way too many questions for the amount of alcohol you’ve consumed?

Is It Cheating to Have Sex with Someone Other Than Your Partner?

That certainly depends on how you define cheating. It’s kind of hard for you two to be cheating on each other while you’re BOTH enjoying something together, isn’t it?

Cheating is a breaking of the sacred trust in your relationship. Cheating is being dishonest and going behind your partners back. When you’re both enjoying a fun, new adventure together, that’s not what we’d call cheating.

But BEWARE. While it’s not technically cheating, there are a few things that could go very wrong if you’re not careful.

You MUST have excellent and very open communication, and a great, solid relationship to start with, or this could tear your relationship apart. Swinging, or the broader concept of an “open relationship” is definitely not a crutch to fix, or patch, a failing relationship. It can only work for a couple whose relationship is steady and strong enough to withstand the emotional torrent that could be unleashed when you bring new people into your intimate relationship.

And as with regular sex between single partners, be very sure to practice safe sex, and know your playmates before you get too personal. Play it safe so you can have more fun.

What Will Your Friends and Family Say? How About Your Minister?

It doesn’t matter! Not at all. It is simply not any of their business, whatsoever. Period.

Some people make the tragic mistake of involving their family in their sex lies. This is a bad idea and will lead to arguments in all but the best of situations.

While it’s not always the case, in general, as a society we’re just not yet evolved enough to handle this type of discussion at the dinner table – largely because of the silly but amazingly widespread taboo around all things sexual in our culture.

So make your decision together with your partner, and go with what feels right to the two of you. While your family and friends may think they have your best interest at heart, they are not living your life – you are! Do what feels right to you.

Will My Ex-Swinger Husband Cheat On Me?

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The swinger lifestyle is taking the nation by storm. People are suddenly realizing this isn’t just some obscure cult.

Rather, it’s regular people, many of whom are highly educated professionals, expanding their already happy, healthy, and often exotic sex lives to include what some are calling “swinging”.

The shock for most people comes when they realize their neighbor Joe and his wife occasionally get together for drinks and some kinky sex with their other neighbors Bob and Suzy from two doors down.

“Wow, that happens here?” Absolutely, and much more often than you think…

But here comes the culture shock… Eventually people “in the lifestyle” end up paired with people who are not really open to this type of sexual adventure.

For instance, a man who has previously enjoyed a very open sex life with his previous wife starts dating a woman who is not very open to swinging. She may try it once or twice for his sake, but then decide it’s not for her. Worse yet, she’s afraid he’ll cheat on her because he’s used to having more sexual freedom. So what can she do?

Time away from something you want does NOT make you want it less.

She can ask him to stop it and stay away from seeing his former swinger friends and playmates.

But just saying no to something you enjoy, whether it’s ice cream or swinging and other aspects of an exotic, adventurous sex life, will not make your desire for it fade. This is basic human psychology… take away something you like, and you want it that much more. This is why most diets fail.

Can you quit swinging and just go cold turkey?

Is the problem that he’s swinging, or is it more basic than that?

It’s not really about whether he’s been swinging in the past or not. It’s about the fact that he had a very liberated sex life and he may no longer be OK in the long term with a more tame sexual experience.

He may agree not to do it any longer, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be happy and content with his new sex life.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest problems in many relationships.

The reality is that not all people are a match sexually, and that can cause all kinds of stress and relationship problems. And yes, it can lead to break ups and divorce.

It’s crucial to realize that you may simply not be sexually compatible with your partner. It’s not very common, but occasionally two people are just not going to be a sexual match.

Jealousy and insecurity is one of the few major issues facing couples in the swinging lifestyle.

Most couples who enjoy the swinger lifestyle do it BECAUSE they have a strong and happy relationship and a great sex life to begin with. And for these couples, jealousy is not usually much of an issue. After all, you’re either OK with your spouse having sex with another person (or multiple other persons), or you’re not.

But the jealousy monster can still strike. But just what is jealousy?

At the core of it, jealousy reflects a person’s inner insecurities that they are not good enough and their partner may find someone better. It also reflects the need to control their partner. If they control what their partner does, then they won’t leave or find someone else.

In reality, neither of these things is true. The best way to keep your partner from finding someone ‘better’ is to be truly confident in yourself and love yourself unconditionally – only then can you truly love another person.

So can you trust someone who’s been in the swinger lifestyle for years to go cold turkey and be completely monogamous and content with only his wife?

Here’s a question from a lady in Texas struggling with the dire possibility of losing her husband…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband has a rather extensive swinging history. When we first met, I tried it with him a few times but due to my own jealousy and insecurities, it was not enjoyable. I chose to not continue. We talked about it and he said that it was OK that he loved me and did not want to jeopardize our future. He said, “Then we won’t do it, it’s no big deal.”

Recently, I found out that he has been carrying on with a woman on the internet and recently tried to kiss a woman after he had had a few drinks. He said that he will always enjoy the lifestyle and that he misses it. Where do I go from here? I feel awful and very uncertain about my future with him.

I don’t need to have sex with other people to feel happy and fulfilled. I love my husband. Obviously he does not feel the same way.

Will time away from swinging help to get it off of his mind? I want him to be happy with me and our marriage. I don’t want to feel like he resents me or worry that he is going to cheat on me to get what he wants, needs and misses.

— Lynne, Texas

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvxyLshRlgw[/youtube]