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Exclusive Swingers – Are You CHEATING On Your Swinger Friends?

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Exclusive swingers? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Exclusivity is not what you typically think of when you talk about the swinger lifestyle. Few in the swinger community would consider it cheating to play with multiple couples and partners without consulting them. It’s important to remember that swinging is largely about expanding an individual or a couple’s sex lives, and not usually about extending the romantic circle.

What about polyamory?

Some consider polyamory to be a more enlightened approach to swinging, though it’s really a very different animal. With polyamory, a couple will actually expand their love and romantic relationship to truly include others, not just for the occasional fun and sexual fantasies.

For many, the idea of swinging is really a stretch… polyamory is even more so because we’re no longer talking about being committed to a single person.

Can you expect an exclusive relationship with another couple?

People are interesting in their expectations, and since we’re all unique, nothing is really too far fetched to be expected. Think about an exclusive relationship between two people. It slowly evolves from the casual meeting, a few dates, and eventually exclusivity where you’re no longer seeing other people.

It’s entirely possible for two couples to also become close over time, and for some of the players to develop closer feelings for each other. In this case it’s definitely possible for one couple to get jealous when the other couple sees other people. No, it’s not the regular traditional lifestyle experience, but it definitely does happen on occasion.

And when it does…

Don’t talk with your family about your sex life and your exotic sexual fantasies

It’s always great to share our lives with our loved ones… not just our romantic partners, but also our blood families.

BUT… this can sometimes lead to problems, especially when we’re talking about parts of our lives that are not viewed as “acceptable” or “mainstream” by some segments of society.

This can happen when parents share intimate details of their sex lives with their grown children, as well as those same grown children sharing with their parents.

At first this seems to go against what we normally believe in, but stay with us here. Countless fights and arguments start when people share too much about their sex lives with their families.

We’re generally very adamant on having very open and honest communication in relationships, whether those are romantic relationships, family relationship, or friend relationships.

However we are not yet evolved and enlightened enough as a society, where your family (i.e. your parents, siblings) can have an open and honest discussion with you about your sex life and sexual preferences without judging you and without digressing into some type of fight or argument.

Hopefully our society will evolved to this point in the coming years, but by an large we’re just not there yet. Certainly there are some exceptions to this (as there are to anything based on a standard deviation), but if you want to play it safe – keep your sex life between you and your partner.

SO… Should you demand and exclusive relationship with another couple??  Shat what can you do if you’ve shared your dilemma with your family and they’re going nuts?

Here’s a question from a couple in Maryland facing this very frustrating problem…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I have now experienced swinging with two different couples. The first happened slowly over a long period of time with a couple that we were very close to. The second couple we found through a swinging website. We met them a few times to get to know each other and then met them for a sexual encounter. Ever since then, things have been a mess. We shared with the first couple that we had been with the second couple. They did not handle it well at all. They felt hurt and betrayed, especially the woman, whom I am extremely close to. I thought that our friendship was in jeopardy. I ended up talking to my father about how upset I was about this problem that I was having with my friend. I ended up telling him about my swinging experiences- BIG MISTAKE! He was very upset and my stepmother, who he told, was even more upset. So, my husband and I are finding a way to rebuild our relationship with the first couple, minus the sex. I am working through things with my dad. My stepmother is still concerned that we are going to rot in hell. With all of this happening, I am really struggling with the idea of swinging again. My husband wants to, of course. I am seriously struggling with whether it is immoral and sinful. Besides, with everything that has happened, I don’t have a good feeling about preceding forward. How can I make my husband understand this? He is extremely disappointed that I am not interested in continuing to swing, at least for now, and maybe forever. I know that this is long and complicated, but I am really in need of some advice. Please respond. Thanks.

— Jennifer, Maryland

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4sZ6cOoX2w[/youtube]

My Husband Gave Me Permission to Have an Affair – Now What?

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Having an open marriage is interesting enough…

But when your husband encourages you to have an affair, as long as you don’t tell him about it… between the stigma around cheating and affairs, and your own fear that you’re breaking the sacred trust in your relationship, things can get a little more complicated.

The stigma of infidelity… MUST we call it an affair?

Cheating is not the cause of relationship problems, but rather a symptom of significant relationship issues. People who are happy and content in a relationship – emotionally, spiritually AND sexually, do not go outside the relationship to “cheat”. It just doesn’t usually work that way.

There are situations however in which one person can’t meet all of their partner’s needs… leaving that person longing for more, whether it’s emotionally OR sexually.

But if another person is brought into the relationship to meet those needs, is it truly cheating or breaking the trust, or merely breaking some more commonly accepted societal norms around what a marriage or relationship “should be”?

What if your partner CAN’T have sex with you?

For whatever reason, often health related issues, some people feel they can no longer have sex. Or maybe they just no longer WANT to have sex.

But in reality, they realize even though they no longer have sexual needs, their partner still does. At this point, the relationship will begin to suffer, since there are unmet needs, and those needs intensify as time goes on. Something eventually has to give, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to be the relationship that collapses under the strain.

Do you really want or need to divorce? Is there maybe another way?

So do you really need to divorce or separate, or is there maybe another way?

What if you were to consider an open marriage, or an arrangement by which another person could meet your partner’s sexual needs, while still keeping your marriage, or your relationship, intact?

Certainly this would require even much more trust and communication than a relationship normally does, but it COULD work. At the very least, wouldn’t it be worth trying as a last ditch effort before letting the relationship crumble and deteriorate?

If both partners are willing to approach this situation from a place of true love and acceptance – as opposed to ownership and jealousy – then the relationship may have a chance to survive this challenge.

Love, honesty, and devotion are very different from sex

Many people confuse love, honesty, and devotion to a partner with sexual contact. Those are very different things.

Millions of couples worldwide enjoy the swinging lifestyle (formerly known as wife swapping in previous generations), and they are often brought closer together for sharing such an experience. Rarely does swinging break a couple apart – unless they’re doing it just as an excuse to have sex with other people, and to mask deeper relationship problems.

While swinging only involves sharing your partner with others for sex, many couples engage in polyamory, where there is an actual love relationship between multiple partners and couples. It’s easy to forget sometimes that not all cultures today or throughout history have practiced monogamy…

Isn’t that heresy? Is it even legal?

Our society is a blend of many different religious and spiritual influences. One man’s sin is another man’s redemption.

Fact is, you decide how you wish to live your own life, and as long as nobody gets hurt, it’s not anyone’s business but your own. This can only work of as long as you are completely open and honest with your partner about the situation and any feelings that arise from it.

And set the ground rules ahead of time to avoid problems later on… from safe sex to whether or not you want to meet this new person and know in depth what your partner is doing with them.

Although sharing your partner sexually with another person may sounds like a very bad idea to some, and it may go against what you were taught growing up, isn’t it at least worth considering if it could save your relationship?

This is the very issue one lady in Scotland is facing.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have looked at a number of your letters but have found it quite difficult to find a corresponding answer to my question:

What if your husband finds it emotionally impossible ( because of work stress and being very overweight )(and physically impossible for a number of medical reasons such as sleep apnea ) to have sex but I so desperately want sex?

And now when he says I should find someone else for a sexual relationship ( just as long as I don’t tell him! )? We have been married for thirty years and have three children ( now grown-up).

I am now very attracted to a colleague at my work and he is to me but feel torn yet desperately need a physical connection….I have not had sex with my husband for approx 12 years and it is driving me crazy, crazy enough to consider an affair but my religion and upbringing are such deterrents. I feel I cannot leave my husband yet I also feel he has given me “permission” to have an affair, oh dear I don’t know what the right way forward is I do hope you can help. I am very confused.

— A. (Argyll, Scotland, UK)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCIZ32I7yE0[/youtube]

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

She’s Crying On My Shoulder While Living With HIM

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Office romances are tough enough, but…

Take an office romance, add infidelity, and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.

Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.

It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.

Courting a married woman

If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated.

A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out, an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.

But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a “grass is greener on the other side” sort of way, not in a “I want to be with you forever” sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “destined to be together”, or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.

Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle

To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.

All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.

This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.

But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.

Are you in danger?

The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.

And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in “an abusive spouse”, this is a recipe for bad things to happen…

How long should you wait for her?

Waiting for someone to pick a side is generally a bad idea, since your wait could go on forever. People don’t tend to pick a side and get un-stuck unless something changes and they NEED to pick a side – to avoid losing something they hold dear. This is why so many love triangles go on and on for weeks, months, or even longer.

Here’s a question from Su in Wisconsin, who is in this very situation and is wondering how long he should hold out and wait for her to choose a path.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve known this lady from work for about a good 10 months and we have become good friends, but she is engaged and their relationship is going down hill.

I mean he yells at her, hits her, spits on her face and puts her way down like she’s not even worth anything. She tells me all sorts of things and she is in a dark hole.

Now we are getting closer and closer to each other. We have talked to each other about liking each other. I like her very much and want to be more than friends and she knows it too. I asked her the same question and she replied that she likes me as more than a friend too, but she still lives with him. I mean she has a son about 2 yrs old, and she likes how I treat him. I also ask her what I have that she wants, and her reply was “YOU! just YOU!”.

We pretty much see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week for a good 10 min to 20 min. When she invites me to go hang out with her at their place I’ll say yes or alright and it really makes her happy. She has told me a couple of times that hanging around me makes her happy and she is longing for happiness in her life, but is afraid of happiness. She also said that she keeps her engagement ring on so they won’t have to argue everyday.

I, as a man, have doubts about where we are heading. So my main question is this. Does she really like me more than a friend or just trying to take advantage of my kindness and where does this road lead us?

Just in case you are wondering, I’m a Scorpio and she’s a Taurus.

— Su (Wisconsin)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HghXzxnNUiI[/youtube]

Open Marriage – How Can I Convince My Husband?

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Unhappy marriages can often lead to one or both partners cheating and having long term affairs.

More often than not, the marriage doesn’t survive the affair. In truth, it’s not just the affair, but the deception and lies that truly kill the relationship.

But what if you really want to stay with your current partner, although you realize that your partner is not able to fulfill your needs for sex and intimacy?

Some people consider an open marriage as a solution. While this is definitely not for everyone, there’s no reason it cannot work for some.

There are certainly other options for resolving intimacy issues couples face, but when counseling and other measures just don’t work, what can you do?

This question is from a lady facing this very dilemma. She has been in an extramarital affair for over a year, but she desperately wants to stay married to her husband. So hopes to pusuade him to consider and open marriage.

How can she approach him about the open marriage, considering her affair is ongoing?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am finding myself in depression. My joy and juice for life is diminishing. My energy is dwindling. I want to break out, I want to be free. I have a family, three little girls 3, 5, and 6.

How do you open up a marriage? I realize that the only solution to the bind I have gotten myself into is to talk truth. The truth is I have been having an affair for two years. I have no idea if the affair will last, but do we ever know if anything will ever last?

I have to make myself have sex with my husband and thank god to my large sex drive this is not a problem, however I do have to overcome a resistance each and every time, and it is starting to get to me. My affair is also no dream around sex, but I lust after him, he smells and tastes good to me and he can talk and move through stuck places, unlike my husband.

My husband is a good provider and a fun dad to the kids. I respect that and there is a certain turn on in the providing role that he holds. I can get off with him. However, we lack intimacy. I feel alone in this marriage and I went and got what I needed to feel connection and companionship.

Oddly enough orgasm is tricky with “the other man”. Partially this has to do with his story, but also it has to do with mine. Something about guilt of withholding from my husband, something about not feeling truly wanted by the man that would get involved with a married monogamous woman. If I was truly available for a one on one, my affair would be on a plane and out of here. He, although I get intimacy, connection and friendship from him, is intimacy and relationship phobic. Go figure!

In any case I need to open up the door. I am not sure if I need to mention my affair in talking with my husband about opening up the marriage or if I can simply let it be. I do realize that opening up the marriage requires more attention, communication and integrity than staying monogamous.

I have issues with jealousy. My main concern would be sexually transmitted diseases, impregnation of another woman and thereby loosing my provider’s full financial support. I know that he lacks the capacity for intimacy on the level that I want and need so there is no jealousy possible from that point, but I could encounter this from my affair.

Do you have any insights as to how I can work with jealousy so that it makes me aware of the love versus the loss that I fear?

My hope is that if I open up the marriage, I will not feel guilty; therefore I could enjoy myself more sexually all around. I also hope that it moves my husband out of the position of the bad man that doesn’t give me intimacy, and I can simply enjoy him for who he is without putting up walls.

I am pretty sure that he would be open to seeing other people. I am just not sure how to structure that, and seeing that we have three small children, I do believe we need to set up agreements around how this could work. Got any insights?

– Dona (California)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlHQJjZv42g[/youtube]

Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed?

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Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.

Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.

Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.

This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship?

Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was “his lot” in life.

We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.

My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice?

— Ria in Australia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvGli8YbX7c[/youtube]