Cheating has never been on my radar before, but my boyfriend has become pals with another woman. I’m not the jealous type, but there’s clearly an attraction between the two of them. My boyfriend is careful not to cross the line, but I’m not so sure about his new friend. I don’t trust her, or her motives. Help!

What She Said

It’s great that your boyfriend is respecting the boundaries of your relationship – nothing could be more important in this situation. Him taking your feelings about the temptation for cheating into consideration is a key ingredient in navigating this scenario.

Taking Stock Of The Situation

I could get into the particulars: Have you met her? How do you know there’s a shared attraction? Why does he feel the need to be friends with her? That may take all day, so I’ll keep it brief. A lot of women in your situation often choose to befriend the new pal in your partner’s life. Familiarity with each other can diffuse the tension. She might be less likely to make the moves on your boyfriend if she becomes your friend as well. She’ll also see firsthand how much love exists between you and your honey, which should serve as enough notice that she should look elsewhere.

Should You Be Friends With His New Friend?

On the other hand, is it really necessary to invite this person into your life? If they’re coworkers, there’s no way around their connection. If they randomly met somewhere, it might be time to intercede. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but an honest talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling is in order. You do have the right to ask him to let go of his friendship with this girl, though it’s his decision as to what he’ll ultimately choose.

It’s natural, and healthy, to have a variety of friendships outside the relationship. However, the intimacy of shared experiences and communication is a privilege that exits between you and your boyfriend. Trust him and enjoy your connection. Your confidence in yourself is attractive and will serve you well, no matter what may come.

What He Said

I think the main question for me in this situation is – has he done anything to make you suspicious of him cheating or having an affair? If yes, then sure, you are justified in your concern. If he hasn’t done anything to cause alarm, then you really need to ask yourself why you are feeling this way. It could just be mindless paranoia on your part.

Is this a pattern for you? Have you felt this way before? Were you screwed over or cheated on in the past? If so, that could simply be your defense mechanisms firing off so as to protect you from potentially going through that hell again.

Digging A Little Deeper

Here’s the thing about defense mechanisms like this one. They are perfectly valid and serve a valuable purpose – they keep you from getting hurt by someone cheating on you again. But the downside is by pushing away the bad you are also shutting yourself off from the good. Life is risk and if you want to find true love again, you have to accept the fact that you are opening yourself to getting hurt again.

Then again, this may not apply to you. You may in fact be in a relationship with a cheating bastard. Where there is smoke, often there is fire. If that’s the case, then well, it’s a whole other ball game, isn’t it? Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can tell if your man isn’t flying right.

If there’s infidelity, of course you should end it. But you can’t just end it without proof. So go get it, assuming it’s there. The thing about this is you are betting the farm on something and I’m not sure you can win in this scenario. Either you find evidence that he is cheating and you are heartbroken or you go snooping for the cheating evidence that isn’t there and you look like an idiot and your boyfriend might end up leaving you.

Cheating is definitely a fear that most people consider their biggest relationship fears. Yet many people make the mistake of cheating on one of their significant others over the course of their dating career. What do you do when you find out that your loved one has cheated in the past? Is that an automatic sign that they’ll eventually cheat on you? Though we can never be one hundred percent certain of our mate’s fidelity, there are warning signs to look out for and traps to avoid.

Does Your Partner Have A Cheating History?

Nothing can throw a wrench in your relationship faster than finding out that your partner has a history of cheating. Suddenly your confidence is shaken, and you begin to suspect the worst. There’s no point in jumping to conclusions without further investigation, though. The most important thing you can do is talk to your significant other about it. If you find out that your partner cheated on a former flame, ask them about what happened. Was that the only person they’ve ever cheated on? Why did they cheat? Were they bored or unhappy with their partner at the time? How long did the affair carry on for, and how serious was it? Your S.O. may be ashamed to talk about it, so calmly let them know that you’ll feel better if you hear the truth.

After you hear their side of the story, you need to really think about what they’ve told you. If your boyfriend cheated once on a girl he dated for a month in high school, he’s probably not a player. You have even less to worry about if he immediately broke up with the girlfriend and started dating the other girl. That’s typically youthful poor judgment, and he tried to make it right in the end. If your girlfriend had an affair with two other guys over the course of several months, that’s a different story. You probably should be a little worried. You should be even more worried if you find out she cheated on her boyfriend before him, too.

Will Your Partner Ever Stop Cheating?

Anytime there is a storied history of cheating, you should tread lightly. People should be forgiven for a one time mistake, but repeated infidelity, especially with more than one partner, is a sign that your S.O. can’t really function in a monogamous relationship. Unless you have major evidence that they’ve changed their ways, you have every right to be worried. However, even if the person has only cheated once, it’s still important to know the circumstances around that singular event. It’s wrong to cheat no matter what, but some situations are worse than others. If your significant other was in a terrible relationship that he/she was trying to end, that’s not quite as awful as cheating on their loving spouse out of curiosity.

In The End, Trust Your Gut Instinct

Regardless of the severity of the cheating incident, it’s important that you hear your partner out and learn all that you can. If you feel they’re still worth trusting, then by all means stay with them. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep an eye out for odd behavior, like secretive phone calls and multiple unexplained date cancellations. You should definitely be wary of any weird changes in behavior, but you need to talk to your significant other about it before you jump to conclusions. If you don’t feel you can trust your partner to stay true to you, though, it’s time to end it. There’s no use drawing out the relationship and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you. Suffering through the paranoia won’t be fun for anyone involved.