libido – Page 6

Help! Anal Sex Is The ONLY Way His Penis Stays Hard!

While a great number of people prefer not to have anal sex or never even bother to try it, many others enjoy anal sex as a part of their sexual repertoire.

Anal sex can be fun and intriguing if you’re smart about it, but what if your partner becomes addicted to anal sex? What do you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful emotional relationship as well as a wonderful physical relationship. He recently convinced me to try anal sex. I hated it at first but after giving it a few extra shots it was ok. He loves it so much! So most of the time I let him finish there. Lately I’ve noticed that if we skip the anal and just stick to vaginal, he can’t finish and just ends up loosing his erection. Am I not tight enough anymore in comparison?? I am 20 and he is 32… Is there a possibility that he is loosing his drive?

— Frustrated Girl

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTQvOH40_1k[/youtube]

Is This A Medical Issue?

Enjoying anal sex is nothing to be ashamed about. Lots of people enjoy anal sex! However, if your partner is wanting to have a lot of anal sex, you might be concerned. Even more so, if your partner is losing their erection if they’re not having anal sex, you might wonder what you’re doing wrong or if there’s something wrong with your partner.

Talk to your partner about it. Find out how they feel. They might not know that you don’t want to have as much anal sex as they do, so you need to talk about it with them. You might be able to find a compromise between anal and traditional sex.

If your partner is consistently losing his erection, that could be another issue altogether. If this is the case, consider seeing a medical doctor and even a sex therapist to find out what might be the issue.

Out, Not In

Remember that the anal canal was created to be an exit, not an entrance. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it now and again, but you certainly don’t want to make a huge habit out of it. The anal canal is not self lubricating meaning you will need to use lots and lots of lubrication during anal sex.

Avoid using sharp or large objects during anal sex, or the anus could tear or perforate, causing you lots of trouble in the long run. Having anal sex means being safe about it, and respecting the fact that it wasn’t designed for the purpose of sex.

When Enough Is Enough

There might come a point where you feel like your partner is asking you for more anal sex than you’d like to have. That’s okay, but it’s important that you speak up about it! If you find through your doctor that your partner has no medical issues that would cause them to want anal sex more often, try to find ways to sexually satisfy your partner without anal sex.

There are lots of different sex toys on the market, ranging from the tame to the extreme. Visit a toy store together and browse through things until you and your partner find something you might like to try. You might even find something you like better than anal sex!

All in all, anal sex can definitely be fun if you and your partner both enjoy it and you’re safe and smart about it. While you probably don’t want to be having anal sex all the time, you can certainly save it for that special occasion or for times when you and your partner are feeling especially frisky.

There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re both on the same page about your wants, needs and expectations as far as anal sex is concerned!

I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

By melody

Many people find themselves in sexless marriages. As unfortunate as it is, if you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone.

Does that mean you have to live with it? Of course not! Here are some great ways to understand what is happening in your relationship and what you can do to fix it so you can turn the heat back up in your marriage.

First the sex was great… but suddenly I look up and I’m in a Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRi_tS14zak[/youtube]

How Sexless Is Your Marriage?

Different couples have sex at different frequencies. Some married couples have sex once a week and they’re completely satisfied.

Other couples have sex once a week and they’re not satisfied. They feel like they should be having sex three or four times a week or even every day.

Whatever frequency of sex that makes you and your partner most comfortable and satisfied is your “magic” number. Don’t feel that if your friends or neighbors are having sex more often that you have to have sex the same amount or you’re not satisfied with your sex life.

Have sex as often or as little as it takes to keep both you and your partner happy and satisfied!

Hormonal Issues

If you truly aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s time to make a change. There’s no reason that you should not be in a marriage with a satisfying sex life!

There are a number of things that can contribute to a sexless marriage or an unsatisfying sex life, so it’s time to do a little digging.

Visit your doctor to rule out any physical reasons that might be decreasing you or your partner’s sex drive. Many couples in sexless marriages will find out from their doctor that they have an imbalance of hormones that is contributing to a lack of sex drive. Your doctor can help you determine if this is an issue for you and your partner or not.

Feeling Close Again

Another big culprit of sexless marriages is not feeling close to your partner. Feeling emotionally distant can really take a toll on your sex life. You no longer feel emotionally safe with your partner, so you desire being sexual with them less and less.

If you find that this is a major issue with you and your partner, it’s time to get back on track and work on being closer emotionally.

A great way to feel close to each other is to sleep in the nude. It may sound strange, but sleeping in the nude and having skin to skin contact releases “happy” hormones that not only make you feel closer to your partner, but improve your emotional and physical health as well.

In addition to that, you can start talking to your partner and opening up to them emotionally, provided they do the same with you. If you’re truly having trouble with this, a counselor or therapist can help you and your partner start seeing eye to eye again.

Once you and your partner become close again emotionally, you’ll find that you want to experience each other sexually again as well.

If you find you’re in a sexless marriage, take a few steps to try and get your relationship in the right direction. With time and effort, you can figure out what went wrong and how you can get right back to where you want to be – in the bedroom!

How Your Actions Outside The Bedroom Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

By melody

I have a little experience with bad sex. I’ve been married three times. This last one took. To tell you the truth my first two husbands would say my current husband was lying if he told them how often and how amazing our sex life is.

Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

Is Your Life Too Busy for Sex?

By loveandsex

Unfortunately for most of us, there never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

From the moment we wake up and groggily resist our primitive urge to smash the alarm clock against the wall, our bodies are set to “fast forward”, speeding through our days in a blur of work, school, and parenthood.

Until finally, exhausted and numb, we climb back into bed and slump into a state of blissful oblivion – only to have it start all over again six hours later.

And in the midst of all these constant stressors is a little nagging voice in the back of our minds that tries to remind us how important it is to stay connected to those we love.

We skip the hug hello, don’t have time for that morning kiss goodbye, and before we know it our lovers are just another piece of our daily landscape. Always there, but never really noticed.

It’s no wonder that under these circumstances sex happens less and less frequently, even among “young” couples.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, my partner and I – both 28 years old, We’re both going to school for our Phd’s. With school, work and kids, she has two boys, 4 and 6. She has a lot on her plate. I’m taking this semester off and have been doing my best to keep as much stress as possible off of her.

My concern is the affection is not there. She still wants her hugs and kisses everyday but our sex life, well not as strong. Typing that just makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. But I still can’t help but want some affection or reciprocation back.

Could you please give me some advice that my brain and heart is missing or forgetting or maybe her too? Thanks.

— Jared, Indiana

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNWAl7xZxn0[/youtube]

How to Find Intimacy in Your Busy Lives

For Starters, Don’t Blame Each Other

You’re both very busy and equally suffering from a lack of attention, so the worst thing either partner can do is to blame the other for your own negative feelings about the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, both good and bad, but with that entitlement comes responsibility. Your feelings are your own regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Because of this, it’s important to approach your relationship problems by asking “what can I do to make this better” rather than blaming your partner and saying, “things are this way because you (do or don’t do this, this, and this).”

Blaming your partner for your feelings will only make them defensive and angry, neither of which will make them want to give you the sexual attention you’re seeking.

At the End of the Day There’s Nothing Left for You

The sad truth is, people have a limited amount of emotional and physical energy. After an entire day of working, going to school, and taking care of children your partner has nothing left in their energy reserves for you.

Even when one of you does have some energy left over and is in the mood for a little kinky sex play, the likelihood that your partner will feel the same way at the same time is slim.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your partner’s fault.

That’s just the way life seems to be for most people in our very driven, output-oriented society.

Our culture places more value on how much we work and how much we produce than it does on how close, intimate, and loving our relationships are. So it makes sense that people choose to focus almost one hundred percent of their energy on their work, putting it ahead of their relationships.

Make a Conscious Choice to Refocus Your Energy

The key to having a continuously intimate relationship with your lover is to make sure you both have enough energy at the end of the day for each other.

This has to be a conscious decision, because “life” will surely get in the way and drain your energy if you don’t do something to change it.

One of the best ways to regroup and re-energize is to put aside one hour each day for yourself to do something that you enjoy. This is one hour of “ME” time – no children, no work, no school, and no lovers.

Some people choose to meditate or to go for walks. The activity itself doesn’t matter as long as it’s something that relaxes you and takes your mind off of everything else.

You’ll be amazed at how much just one hour for yourself will restore your energy!

What You Focus on Will Flourish

This is true for anything in life. Whether it’s writing a book, building a company, or strengthening your love for your partner, what you choose to focus your energy on will flourish.

But on the flip side, what you don’t give your energy to will diminish and eventually die.

So take a moment to think about your own day. What do you spend your time doing? What are you giving your energy to? Are those things really important? Is your relationship one of them?

Chances are, it isn’t.

If you really do want a loving, intimate relationship with your partner then you have to make time for it just like you make time for everything else.

Schedule it in, and commit to it.

Once you start giving your relationship the energy it needs, it will flourish, and the sex should take care of itself.

Frantic Girlfriend! How Do I Overcome My FEAR of Sex?

By loveandsex

Sex is a beautiful, wonderful experience shared by many happy couples around the world. But sometimes a couple can’t fully enjoy sex because one of them is actually afraid of sex.

Huh? Yes, there are many people out there, mostly women, who are afraid of sex. The slightest mention of sex can completely lock them up and bring them to tears.

Here’s a desperate cry for help from a lady in the U.K. facing the dire prospect of losing her husband…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a 24 year old woman, 8 months pregnant, and don’t enjoy sex at all. It all started when I was about 18/19. I had my first real love and it was brill.

The only problem that I had was that I didn’t like to have sex or even talk about it. The thought of it makes my whole body tense up. I’m with a loving partner now who I have been with for 2 years. We have sex occasionally, twice to maybe three times a month. I’m really worried because I can’t satisfy him. I would love to, but even talking about it now I feel like I want to cry.

He has suggested some things like games / watching videos / role play, but I can’t do it because I feel embarrassed. He sometimes shouts at me because he gets sexually frustrated, and says that he might even stray if I gave him permission. I really need some advice, as I feel I might lose him. Please help.

— Emma, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVdtR-rQGJI[/youtube]

Why Are You Afraid of Sex?

This could happen for many reasons including childhood abuse, parents who had issues around sex, an extremely religious upbringing, and many other reasons. And before anyone accuses us of religious bashing, we’re not talking about all religions or all religious followers, only the extreme, pathological cases.

The point here is that there are many reasons that someone could reach adulthood and literally be afraid of sex.

So what do you do when you are this person, and you’re in a wonderful relationship? Just imagine the self-doubt and worry that you would feel – wanting to please your partner but being completely unable to do so…

Here are a few suggestions on how to overcome these fears.

Educate Yourself on Your Body and Sexuality

Educate yourself about your body, sexuality, and the emotions around sex. Read books, go to seminars, look online – whatever you have to do to truly understand your body and sex.

This may seem unrelated, but I had an incredible fear of spiders, especially wolf spiders. They seemed to be everywhere. Until… One day I went to the Science Museum with my 7 year old daughter and they just happened to be doing a feature on spiders. I learned so much that day and with this new knowledge my fear of spiders was erased. I now politely help them back outside when they come in the house, rather than splattering them into oblivion.

Knowledge is power and with knowledge comes acceptance.

Where are these feelings of fear coming from? It’s absolutely crucial for you to find the origin of these feelings and deal with them. Whether it’s childhood abuse or being raised by parents who genuinely believe sex is evil, the most important thing you can do is understand where this fear is really coming from.

Only then can you deal with those emotions, accept yourself, be at peace, and move on with your life – free of this restraint.

See a Traditional Therapist

A good therapist working closely with you should be able to help you find the underlying source, or at least to get an idea where to look. When seeking a therapist, be aware of… any biases they may have. Every human being has biases, and it’s important to always understand the bias of someone you’re dealing with.

Consult a Clinical Hypnotherapist

Hypnotherapy is a little on the fringe and “out there” for many people, but it can definitely work wonders. It certainly has for us. What we really like about hypnotherapy, is that you can often find the root of a problem in just a few sessions, as opposed to visiting a traditional therapist for months on end.

Since hypnotherapy is not mainstream enough that you can go to a hospital and get treatment, be sure to see someone who’s had some verifiable training and is a certified clinical hypnotherapist. And no, you can’t be hypnotized into doing anything you wouldn’t be open to doing anyway, that’s just in the movies. What a hypnotherapist will do is help you achieve a very relaxed state so that you will be more comfortable dealing with some of your more deep seated issues. But if it makes you feel better, you can take a trusted friend or relative with you (as I did).

Certainly both therapist and hypnotherapists have their place and benefits, but our focus here is discovering the core underlying issue quickly. Then you can visit a traditional therapist to deal with your emotions as they come up over the long term.

Try some emotional clearing to find the source yourself.

It’s hard for us to find the root of our own faults because we shield ourselves from harm or pain. Our minds easily avoid the real reasons for our problems unless we make a truly focused effort, and even then it’s very hard to come up with anything useful – unless you seek help from an unbiased external source.

A really great book to read on this is “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die ” by Carol Truman. It’s an easy read, but it should help you find and heal the real buried feelings and emotions behind the problems you’re experiencing.

Ultimately, your best bet if you really WANT to get this resolved is to go through all 3 of these approaches, and then really focus on the one that is working best for you.

Can you overcome your FEAR of sex before it’s too late and you lose your husband to another woman?

This is hard to say… It depends on your husband, or boyfriend, and the strength of your relationship. Remember, love is not sex and sex is not love. Don’t focus on what you might lose. It’s more important to focus on getting help for yourself first. Only then will you truly be able enjoy a sexual relationship with another person.