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Is It EVIL to Say I Love You with No Intention of Getting Married?

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I love you! Love you too! I love you more! No, I love you more!

AAAAAhhhh! Stop it! You hear it every day… people casually throw these magical words around like there was no tomorrow. Sometimes it’s a replacement for “talk to you later” when you’re going to hang up… “Luv you. Love you too.”

Sure, it’s very important to express your feelings to those close to you, to let them know you love them, cherish them, enjoy their company. But what does all this constant “I love you” REALLY mean? What ARE YOU getting yourself into?

Here’s a question from Lee in Ontario. She’s found herself saying “I love you” to her boyfriend more and more lately, and suddenly she’s feeling unsure and uneasy about it. Is she actually misleading him?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am in a 6 month relationship. He says I love you I say I love you back. He says it more I say it more. Yes we are both in love with each other.

If you tell someone you love them a lot, are they going to expect you to marry them? Am I leading him on by telling him I love him – I do. But will I marry him I don’t know. Is it evil to tell someone you love them under these thoughts?

— Lee in Ontario

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh6WvCxWNa8[/youtube]

Does “I love you” mean “I want to marry you”?

NO!!! Love and marriage are two very, very different things. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, but there’s also no reason whatsoever to rush into it.

Our society is so hung up on getting married FAST that young girls grow up planning that fairy tale wedding since before they have any idea what love for a partner means. They’re enamored with the idea from their childhood days when they hear stories of the lovely princess that’s rescued by some dashing prince, and he sweeps her off her feet and they get married – and live happily ever after. Yep, it’s really that natural. You meet a guy, he’s not that bad, so you get married before he gets away. Done deal.

STOP IT! Drop that thought and back away slowly.

Marriage is a government sponsored religious construct and may be defined differently depending on your personal beliefs. Separation of church and state aside (just pretend it doesn’t really exist since often times it doesn’t), governments everywhere discriminate against people who choose to share their lives together but not get “married” – i.e. they don’t have a signed government contract together that is blessed by the church.

This is the whole reason why the topic of “gay marriage” is really an issue, and why it will disappear as an issue as we evolve as a society and as a species. The government has no business discriminating against people and telling them who they can and cannot marry. These restrictions originate from one faith or another that some people may subscribe to, but many others do not.

So before you sign that contract, take to time to actually think about what it really means to you on a personal level. Marriage is just the beginning, or the next step, of your life together – not the end goal…

FEAR – “You better marry that girl before you lose her”

One of the main reasons people get married WAY too early in their relationship is fear. Whether it’s pressure from friends and family, pressure from one partner or another, or just pressure to get married before you hit a certain age, it’s all based on fear. And decisions based on fear are almost always decisions you regret later on.

Want to marry the love of your life? Wonderful, do it. But don’t rush into it.

Getting “married” won’t change your relationship, it’ll only change the legal description of your relationship – and make your family and friends happy or sad, depending on whether they like your bride or groom to be.

Finding the person you want to spend your days, months, years with is a wonderful, beautiful thing that not nearly enough people experience. Be grateful for the experience and enjoy it to it’s fullest. But don’t treat it like a quote for a home loan and lock in your rate before your APR has a chance to go up!

You don’t have to get married to have a long and happy relationship

All this rampant fear around getting married too late or “losing that special someone because you didn’t marry them sooner” creates all kinds of silly complications. It’s gotten to where people feel awkward saying “I love you”, and almost feel they have to preface it with “but I’m not going to marry you just yet”.

Express your love freely, and understand that your expression of love and caring is JUST THAT, nothing more. No need to lock in that interest rate until you’re good and ready.

But what if you don’t get married and end up losing that person?

It’s important to remember that being a part of someone’s life is a wonderful privilege. Every day, that special person makes a conscious decision to be with you. That’s a beautiful thing. And you can be happy together for days, weeks, months, years, whether you’re married or not.

People are always changing and growing, some more than others. When you are together with someone, you are either growing together or you are growing in different directions (read: growing apart). If for some reason the time comes to part ways, then so it must be, and that’s OK.

It doesn’t make the time you spent together any less previous and blessed. Just think – if you had been married, then you’d be parting ways and calling it a “divorce” – often a very ugly business, since you have to cancel your government contract AND your religious bond at the same time. Wow, talk about a deterrent.

It’s all OK. Enjoy your time together every day, every moment. And if you feel the special desire to get married, then do it because you wish to further show each other your commitment, not out of fear that it’s too easy to let each other go without that paper. Do it out of love for one another.

Love, Money, and Sex – Advice for a Lasting Relationship – Dan and Jennifer on Retirement Television

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What are the really hard issues that can tear apart the best relationships over time?

Love, Money, and Sex.  At the core of it, that’s it. Sure, there are lots of little issues, but ultimately most of them come down to Love, Money, and Sex.

We recently had the pleasure of meeting Florence Henderson and Meshach Taylor on the set of their new show, Living Live on Retirement Television. They asked us to share with their audience our advice for a long lasting, happy relationship.

So what DOES it take to have a long lasting, happy relationship?

Be HONEST with your partner! No, not just part of the time…

TALK to EACH OTHER – Always share your feelings. It doesn’t matter one bit what your friends think. What truly matters is how you and your partner feel about each other. And if you’re not completely open with your feelings, your relationship is doomed.

So without further delay, watch Dan and Jennifer LIVE on Retirement TV!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvgcBF3LoI[/youtube]

Why Won’t He Tell His Family About Our Relationship?

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Friends and family can often be very unsupportive of your new relationships.

You know the drill… your mom keeps finding faults with your new girlfriend, your friends don’t think she’s “not right for you”, and so on. Or your dad just thinks “that new boy just isn’t the one”, and makes sure to remind you of that 3 times a day.

So if you’re in love and want the relationship to blossom, you’ll have to decide what side to take – and who can make those decisions in your love life.

Some people ignore this “well intentioned” advice and make their own decisions on life and love, while others just give in and walk away from their newfound love.

And then there are those who decide to live a double life with their newfound love, and hide this relationship from their family and friends. For whatever reasons, they decide the secrets and lies are worth it.

But is this really better than facing your family and friends and making the hard decision? Where do you draw that line?

You decide. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am 71 years old and I have been seeing this guy who is 80 off and on for 3 years

He lives one hour from me and I met him on line

The question I have is that after that long and being intimate he still keeps me a secret from his family

He says he is divorced for 5 years but I asked him once does your daughter and son know about me he said no

They couldn’t face the fact because of the divorce – she is 27 and son is 28 he has no phone and I have never been to his home he has been to mine many times and has met my whole family

Whenever I bring up the subject about his home or anything he evades the question  he said he loves me deeply but if I mention I don’t like all these secrets he thinks I have found a young stud and that makes no room for him and if I even think I should look somewhere else I feel guilty.

Please tell me where you think I stand because I am thinking of joining a singles club in town. It isn’t that I want to be with him 24/7 it is the mystery behind all this.

I have the computer for communications unless he calls me from a card phone which I can’t call back on. Thank you for your time.

-Rose

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMG7vHiMEOM[/youtube]

Swinging vs. Polyamory – Am I Wrong to Want One Without the Other?

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So you’ve been enjoying the swinging lifestyle for a few years, and are having a blast.

But what if it starts growing into more than just sex with friends – or friends with benefits?

What if your husband or wife starts developing romantic (a.k.a. love) feelings for your playmates?

Dare we call it polyamory?
 

 

"Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The relationships are long-term, intimate, and usually (but not necessarily) sexual. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

"Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle, is non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple.  Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term is archaic and does not accurately describe the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part."

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

And what happens when the jealousy beast rears it’s ugly head. Admittedly swingers (and certainly those into polyamory) are not nearly as apt to fits of jealousy as some monogamous couples, but it’s been known to happen…

What happens when one partner wants a polyamorous relationship and the other one doesn’t? Is it wrong to want one without the other?

No, it’s absolutely not wrong. What you want is what you want. What you feel and what you want is what’s right for you and for your life. Period.

The swinging lifestyle is typically about sex!

You get together, you play, and then you go home. That’s kind of what it’s about. But Polyamory takes it to a new level and, what I would consider, a much more enlightened level where you are actually in love relationships with multiple partners. It’s a true and total sharing of one another and not many couples (or individuals) are able to do that.

It all comes down to communication.

It’s critical to ask your partner how they feel and to share your feelings. The absolute worst thing that you can do is to hold your feelings inside – what you really want – because you’re afraid your partner may not understand. You have to talk about what you both want from the relationship and what boundaries you’re comfortable with. And in some circumstances, you may find out that you want different things. If this is the case, you’ll have to decide if you are willing to compromise or go your separate ways. 

Jealousy

The biggest reason why many people feel uncomfortable in a Swinging or Polyamorous relationship is "jealousy". It’s one of the biggest emotional issues that all couples face. And when you start bringing other people into your bedroom, you simply cannot let jealousy sneak into the picture because it will tear your relationship apart.

So you have to find ways to make each other feel really special and absolutely certain about where you stand in your own relationship before sharing intimate fun with others.

That’s the biggest thing in the end. Talk! Share your feelings!

Oh, and if you think swinging or polyamory are a rare occurrence in our society, think again!

Check out this survey that over 4,000 of our readers took – Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory? The results will certainly surprise you. 

High School Sweethearts: Is It Meant to Last?

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It’s happens all the time. High School Sweethearts go off to college. Usually, they go off to different colleges and that ends it pretty quickly.

But what happens when they actually go to the same college and see each other every day?

It may be more difficult to break it off, but as people grow and mature, especially at that age, they tend to go their separate ways. And that’s OK. It’s almost expected.

There are occasions where they stay together and live happily ever after, but that’s not the norm.

For young couples in this situation, the important thing is not to focus so much on the ever after and enjoy the time spent together today, in the present.

Don’t rush into marriage too quickly. There’s no reason for it. You can always get married later if you choose to do so. Being together is not all about marriage, and it’s not always meant to lead to marriage.

Many people just see marriage as a safety net – a way to "lock in" that relationship permanently before it gets away. Signing a marriage contract won’t make you closer. But getting married too soon in any relationship will usually lead to a lot of heartache and often an even more painful breakup.

Open and honest communication is critical. One may worry about the other’s happiness and make foolish decisions just to keep from hurting their best friend. Talk about your relationship frequently at this age because both of you are changing and growing so much all the time.

What may have been a valid assumption about your relationship in January may no longer be true in June. It’s not that the other person is fickle or confused. The ages between 18 and 27 are the years when a teenager becomes and adult and truly discovers who they are. They come out of their shell so to speak.

In many cases, this means leaving behind old friends and lovers, including your High School Sweetheart. Not because they’ve done anything wrong… You’re just growing and changing in different directions.

While it may hurt to break of the relationship, if you are honest with one another, five years from now, you’ll probably still be friends because of the trust and friendship you’ve developed. If you lie and hide your feelings, you’re more likely to lose the relationship all together.

If you’re not sure that you want to continue the relationship – maybe you want to experience life and see what else is out there… Talk about it with your partner and explain your feelings. Let him or her know that it’s not about them. Make it about you.

In reality, two things could happen — you could be completely honest and find out that your partner feels exactly the same way – so you decide to just be friends, or your relationship may grow even closer because of your honestly and move to the next deeper level.

The important thing to remember is that the decision to stay together or to move on should be a mutual decision made by the two of you together.