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You are here: Home / Archives for marriage

Why Do Happy Couples Suddenly Fall Out Of Love?

By eddie

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Knowing Why is Helpful

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie

Filed Under: Break Up & Divorce Tagged With: breaking up, divorce, love, marriage, Relationship Advice, soulmate

Why You’d Be Crazy To Get Married Before You’re 30

By david

Marriage in your twenties is for the birds!

Marriage and Me

I never talk about marriage… Not that I’m against marriage, nor am I commitment phobic . I’ve been married. It lasted three years and one day. It was basically like a lease. At the end she still had low mileage, that “new wife smell,” and she still looked great when I returned her to the dealership. She was like a certified pre-owned Lexus.

Now this is not the part that will offend you – it’s this next part that will get under your skin.

Twenty is Too Young!

For those of you who got married in your twenties, I think all of you got married too young. Yeah I know: “I want to be a young mommy,” or “I want to be a young dad.” But a young mom and a young dad still have no idea who they are as a person.

Get to Know You

If you’re a woman, you really don’t know who you are until you’re thirty. And, sorry guys, but if you’re a man you really don’t know who you are until you’re at least thirty-five to forty. This would make all of you old dads and older moms – not exactly Warren Beatty old but older and, may I add, wiser. Now I could go online and grab you a bunch of statistics about divorce rates and everything else, but why bore you with statistics that you can research on your own.

What it All Means

This would also mean that families would be smaller and the worlds population would slow down to something more manageable. This is not an Al Gore thumping blog post but we are running out of key resources in the world and a few less kids would really help the issue.

From all my years of coaching, I have just found that women don’t really know who they are until they’re thirty. Your twenties are all about finding yourself. And as for men, we’re just way too immature until we’re at least thirty-five to forty.

I’ve recently emailed all the women I’ve dated in my twenties . . . all 700 of them 🙂 I sent them an email that said:

Thanks for the Experience!

“Thanks for the experience. You were great. I was a self-centered asshole. You met me during my player years and, yes, you were just a notch on the belt. But now that those years are over [my real age you readers will never find out!], I’ve matured into a really good man. Let me know if you’d like to reconnect as a friend or on a deeper level. David”

Now this isn’t some Neil Young or Bruce Springsteen song, nor did I really write this email. And I really don’t think I dated 700 women…I might have, but who knows, and who remembers? The important thing is toembrace what you did and grow from the experiences you had.

The Bottom Line

But the bottom line here is this: To make a marriage successful, you have to know who you are first. None of this Jerry Maguire ‘you complete me’ crap. Enjoy your twenties. If you’re in your twenties right now, enjoy dating but enjoy the time getting to know yourself more. Also, don’t rush a family and the condominium on wheels (for those of you who don’t know what that is, that’s the overly obnoxious SUV – Yes, I live in California and yes I hate Hummers . . . though I do enjoy an occasional hummer).

So, take the time to get to know yourself before you get in that minivan. Because to have true love, you have to find true love with yourself first. For those of you over thirty who are in a marriage, you know exactly what I’m talking about here.

Last But Not Least

Just one last thing … I’m all about the biological clock, but can you at least wait until your late twenties to pound out the puppies and get married? Give yourself a few years to get to know who you are as a person. You’ll make a better wife and you’ll make a better lover. Because I’ve got to tell you that there is nothing more fun in bed than a woman over the age of thirty. I tell all my friends that they can have all the women in their twenties. I’m all about the hot sexy cougars.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: dating, marriage, Relationship Advice

How Your Actions Outside The Bedroom Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

By melody

I have a little experience with bad sex. I’ve been married three times. This last one took. To tell you the truth my first two husbands would say my current husband was lying if he told them how often and how amazing our sex life is.

Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: fighting, have better sex, libido, marriage, marriage counseling, sex tips, sexual health

How to Stop Resentment From Killing Your Relationship

By loveandsex

After being married for a while, many couples find themselves in a situation where one partner feels angry, hurt, and/or resentful toward the other.

They feel that they’re the only one who’s made sacrifices for the relationship, that they gave up their dreams, so that their partner could succeed.

Is it possible to overcome these feelings of resentment and move forward to have a loving and caring relationship?

Here’s a question from Jim in Michigan who’s trying to work through these feelings himself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How do I stop resenting my wife for all the things I gave up for her to have all that she wanted?

–Jim, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPLPPUuGmJs[/youtube]

All The Things I Gave Up…

We often choose to ‘give up’ certain things in our lives for the ones we love.

They don’t force us to give them up, and because of this, it’s not fair to blame our partners, or anyone else, for the decisions that we make or for the things that we choose to give up.

Making sacrifices for those we love is a very admirable thing to do, and most of us do it because we want what is best for our loved ones.

Of course ‘give up’ is an interesting, and often misleading, phrase to use when referring to something in a relationship.

What ‘give up’ really means is that we’ve chosen to do something (or to not do something) in order to make our partners happy rather than to make ourselves happy.

Then we try to blame them because we’re unhappy with our decisions!

Parents are particularly notorious for this one, often saying things like, “All the things I gave up for you, and this is how you repay me!”

We did not ask our parents to change their lives or to give up their dreams for us, and yet many parents somehow blame their children for their own misery.

How Silly Is That?

We all make decisions every day that determine how we live our lives and whether or not we pursue our dreams – whether or not we’re happy.

Happiness is a choice.

We are not victims of circumstance, though many of us would like to believe that we are. If we were victims of circumstance then we wouldn’t have to take responsibility for our own lives. How convenient…

On the other hand, if we actually do take responsibility for our decisions and our happiness, then we have to own up to the fact that we are ultimately responsible for our own misery as well.

Unspoken Expectations

What normally happens in a relationship is that the moment we make decisions for the good of our partners rather than ourselves we create certain expectations for how our partners will react as a result of our ‘sacrifice’.

Essentially our partner’s positive reaction to our self-negating behavior is the very reason we make those kinds of decisions in the first place.

These ‘unspoken’ expectations can include all kinds of things – from a small recognition (such as a simple “thank you”) to an overwhelmingly positive response (such as complete attitude change).

From our (the sacrificer’s) perspective, we’ve chosen to give up certain things or ideals so that our partners can have what we perceive they want and need.

Often times we don’t even ask our partners if this is what they want and what will make them happy!

So when our partners don’t respond in the way we expected them to, we get angry and resentful and wonder why they didn’t keep their side of the bargain.

That’s not really fair to them, now is it?

So rather than basing our happiness on our partner’s actions or reactions, we should take responsibility for own happiness starting right now.

Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness

Here are some questions you should ask yourself.

What else will make me happy right now, in this moment?

Identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. This is not about your wife, your children, your boss, or anyone else. This is about you looking inside your own heart.

Don’t worry about what others might think or say. Ask yourself what would truly make you happy.

There’s a book called “The Passion Test”, that can be very useful in helping you identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. I highly recommend purchasing this book and actually reading it.

The only way you’ll ever be happy with yourself, or be able to have a happy and loving relationship, is to own up to your own happiness – to take complete responsibility for it, and to recognize that true happiness starts from within.

YOU OWN IT!

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: marriage

8 Signs Your Date is Married

By lavalife3

Ever wondered if you’re dating a married man or woman?

Maybe it’s the fact that you know nothing about their personal life or you’ve never met their friends.

Something just doesn’t jive when you’re together.

Luckily, there are some telltale signs that your lover has another!

Below are eight easy-to-spot signs that your date is probably married… 

1. What’s Your Home Number?

Getting a hold of your partner is about as easy as contacting a government employee at 4:35 pm. You have a cellular number but it always seems to be turned off or out of range when you aren’t together.

Well, you can’t expect them to take your call at their son’s soccer game, can you?

2. Are You Dating A Homeless Person?

If you didn’t know better you’d think your lover lived on the street.

You know he must have a house — he has to store that extensive wardrobe somewhere — but, much like the Sasquatch, you’ve never actually seen it.

The reason all the sleepovers happen at your house? His wife would be an inconvenience at his.

3. Tell Me About Your Family…

Speaking of mysterious, how much do you know about her personal life?

Does she ever talk about her family, where she went to school, her hometown or hobbies?

If she’s keeping you in the dark, it’s because she doesn’t want to give you the information you need to discover she’s married.

4. I’d Never Find This On My Own

And that’s exactly the point. All of your public dates take place in very inconspicuous out-of-the-way places, but those happening in the privacy of your living room likely outweigh them.

If you find yourself watching movies at your place more often than eating dinner in a restaurant, you may be getting it on with a married man.

5. What A Strange Time To Call

Consistently calling at odd hours is a definite sign of something amiss.

She may call early in the morning on the way to work or in the wee hours of the night while walking the dog, but it never seems to be at a normal time or from a normal location. Also watch for lot of (untraceable) calls from public phone booths or leaving the room to take calls on his mobile when you are together.

6. Come On, Let Me See Them

Most people keep photos of their wife and kids close to their heart. If you spy some snaps in his wallet or her purse but they won’t let you have a look, it’s a safe bet they’re not of a best bud or beloved pet.

7. PDAs Are MIA

She always finds a way to wiggle her hand from yours when you walk down the street. She nervously looks around her before offering you a peck on the lips and hugs are quick and perfunctory.

If public displays of affection are rarer than black pearls, she’s probably worried about hubby seeing her locked onto your lips.

8. Why Don’t We Do Anything With Your Friends?

The two of you always go out alone.

There’s never another couple or friends along for the ride. He says his friends are all boring or they’re married and can’t go out.

The reality is that he’s all married and just trying to keep worlds from colliding and crashing into his elaborate lie!

Filed Under: Dating Tips Tagged With: affairs, cheating, dating, marriage

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