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How to Resolve Relationship Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

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When you’re in a relationship with another person and you spend all, or most, of your time with that person, there are going to be things about them that you don’t like. In fact, they may even have some quirks that drive you absolutely insane!

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could bring up those concerns without it sounding like you’re nagging and without it turning into a full blown argument?

Here are some really great tips and suggestions that will help you talk about the things that drive you crazy without offending your partner and ruining a perfectly good day.

How to Resolve Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

by Marianne Torrence, Trainer and Facilitator

You’ve read all about the #1 relationship mistake – putdowns or making your partner feel wrong or belittled.

It’s pretty obvious that is not going to help a relationship, but what happens if your partner is doing something that really upsets you and they have no idea that it’s happening? Do you have to just put up with it and keep quiet?

After all, if you mention it it’s going to seem like a putdown, right?

Well, actually, not necessarily. This is where you have to learn some skills, how to introduce the subject, warn your partner that there’s something that’s on your mind, and ask for them to be able to hear you out, if possible without reacting.

Sound like a tall order, right? Maybe. A lot of this depends on your partner’s self-esteem and ability to understand that YOU having a problem with something they are doing doesn’t mean they are wrong for doing it. It simply means that YOU have a problem with it. Period.

So another point – if you have managed to bring up this undisclosed issue and get it off your chest without causing an upset, it’s wise to not then get into trying to get them to change it. Because often just the fact of communicating it and getting it heard, understood and acknowledged can not only make it less of an upset or concern for you, but may bring about in your partner a willingness to change whatever it is or at least consider it. Especially if they don’t feel put down by the way you brought it up.

Obviously a lot depends on the magnitude of what your partner was doing that was getting you upset. There’s a fairly substantial difference between leaving the cap off the toothpaste and spending every night at the pub with the boys.

There is also a major distinction between complaining about something constantly – a.k.a. nagging – and bringing it up once as an issue to be communicated and looked at.

The fundamental of being able to deal with these issues is to establish some procedures and agreements for communicating about potentially disturbing or “hot” topics. One of the best ways to do this is to create a “frame” or “introduction” to be used to signal you have an issue to discuss that may be challenging or difficult to face.

Phrases that can work can go something like this…

“Have you got some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

“I have something that’s been bothering me and I would like to be able to talk about it to you without making you feel wrong. Do you feel up to listening right now?”

When you communicate the upset, take responsibility for it by phrasing it from your own perspective, not directed at your partner.  E.g. “I find that I feel upset when I see you _________”, “My feelings get hurt when I notice ________ .”  “It’s been seeming to me like you tend to ignore our daughter when she tries to tell you something, and I’d like to know if you feel that is happening, maybe you can help me understand what you feel is going on.”

Now, a lot of this depends on what sort of person your partner is. If you are with someone who under no circumstances can entertain the slightest hint that anything they do could possibly be improved, or is anything less than perfect, well, you’ve got troubles. (It is always EXTREMELY smart to make sure before you get into a relationship that the someone you have got your eye on is actually someone who is willing to correct mistakes and learn from them, and understands that no one does anything perfectly the first time.)

But if you have a reasonably confident well-balanced partner you should find no difficulty in establishing some ground rules as above to allow you to communicate about differences in viewpoint without starting a war. Just make sure it starts with an agreed on frame of reference so your partner is aware it’s “sort-out time” coming up.

And as much as possible make sure they are in a position to give you their undivided attention, with sufficient time to complete the discussion, before you launch into it. Five minutes before you leave to go to a party is probably not a good time!

Remember one of the vital points on this, when discussing your issue, leave out the word “you” as much as possible. Keep it to how YOU feel about whatever it is. Not what they did or said but the reaction of feeling you had about it. The word “you” can very easily sound accusative and become accusative.

And be as specific as possible about what is upsetting you. “I feel upset because you always burn the dinner” is not workable if it’s an exaggeration and therefore untrue! “I got upset when you burned the dinner twice last week and I wondered if there’s some way I can help you so that doesn’t happen” would provoke less reaction than the first statement.

Practice this if you need to. Even in front of the mirror. If you have old habits maybe ingrained from copying parents or from earlier relationships it may take some work – but it’s worth it –much less stressful!

There’s another much deeper secret about all this but it will have to wait for another article, this is enough for now.

Marianne Torrence is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

Help – My Overactive Sex Drive is Killing My Marriage!

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Are you a man with an overactive sex drive?

With all of the Viagra and Cialis commmercials, you might think that men just can’t get it up any more, but that’s not always the case.

There are many married men, and men in relationships, who just can’t get enough. This can be a real issue if your partner is not sexually matched with you.

So what do you do if you find yourself in this situation? Here are some great ideas to help you, and your partner, enjoy sex fully.

The Question

I know there are a lot of people who wish they had this problem… I wonder if there is any way my body is over producing sex hormones. I am 52 years old, not 19, and my sex drive is beyond explaining.

I am very healthy and work out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym, and want sex ALL the time. You guys crossed anything like this before?

And yes, I am married and way over sexed for my wife.

The Answer

Wow! I bet there are a lot of guys who WISH they had your sex drive – at least if all the male sexual enhancement drug commercials are any indication. While I can’t speak to what is a normal sex drive and what is not, here are some ideas to help you find a workable solution for you and your wife.

Find a solution together with your wife, not alone

Regardless of which way you go with this, the most important thing is to be vary open and honest with your wife about how you feel, what you’re experiencing, what your needs are, and your feelings toward her.

Don’t be judgmental or make her feel inadequate in any way. That can only go bad.

She has to know that you still love her just as much, but you have some very strong sexual needs that aren’t being met.

Explaining to her how you truly feel and what your situation is should hopefully gain some understanding and empathy from her. This of course depends on how open and up-front your relationship is. We share everything, and discuss all of our issues and concerns together. Most couples don’t, and that’s reflected in the 50%+ divorce rate. Open and honest communication is crucial to a happy relationship.

There are several ways that you can go with this…

Your options for great sex AND a happy relationship

Here are the options I see. Each has advantages and disadvantages, but one will hopefully resonate with you.

  • Ignore the problem until it eats away more and more at your relationship with your wife and you end up cheating on her. (not the recommended approach)
  • Try alternative remedies to harness and better control your sexual energy
  • Try supplements or other alternative remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive
  • Bring someone else into the picture to satisfy your sexual needs. Yes, with your wife’s consent – that’s the only way that can work.

Ignore the problem and go on the way you are today

This is the option most people choose, at least at first. The problem is that when you ignore an important issue, it just festers and boils up until it explodes. Not a good thing. You’re better off resolving or coming to terms with the issue up front, rather than than letting it get worse by ignoring it.

Remedies to harness and control your sexual energy

This is my first choice for a solution to your problem. There are many books out there on ways to better understand your sexual energy and that teach you how to harness and even redirect this energy in positive and productive ways. Our sexual energy is the core of our being and taking medications or supplements to reduce this energy just can’t be a good thing in my opinion.

Many people hesitate to read books about sex because they feel like they should know all by now… “What will my friends say?”, “How will my partner react?” These are just some of the questions that keep people from learning about sex.

We read as many books as we can get our hands on about all kinds of topics – especially sex. So, check out our Amazon store for some of our favorite books and start reading – when you stop learning, your brain dies – literally. Don’t let that happen to you.

Sex can be such a wonderful and joyous experience, and so many people worldwide wish they could experience it more fully. Here are some great books to help you both start enjoying sex to the fullest extent possible.

Remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive

If you’re not open to the option above, then you can talk to your doctor about medications or natural supplements that can help reduce your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive. I recommend the natural approach whenever possible.

Tread lightly when talking to your wife about taking actions to increase her sex drive – she may not want to. But if she is open to the idea, then that’s wonderful. Just remember to stay clear of the idea that she’s not pleasing you, because that is guaranteed to get emotional.

Regardless, be sure to see your doctor before starting any medical or herbal treatment.

Bring someone else into your bedroom to satisfy your sexual needs

There is always the option of inviting another person in to your life just for the purpose of fulfilling your sexual desires. This of course, will depend of your relationship with your wife and you personal belief system.

This is an interesting option that may or may not be acceptable to your wife…

Strict monogamy is the popular norm in our culture, but not so in many other cultures around the world, today and throughout history. In fact, many will argue it goes against our very nature and instincts as human beings to be completely monogamous to a single partner. But all that aside, your wife has to feel the same way, or it’s game over. 🙂

Swinging, Polyamory, and Open Relationships are actually much more common than you might think. We recently ran a poll to see exactly how our readers feel about Swinging and Polyamory.

We asked: “Would you ever consider swinging or polyamory?” More than 3500 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you…

Check out the results here: Sex Poll Results – The Surprising Verdict on Swinging and Polyamory!

There are many options today for finding a woman to have sex with you, or with both you and your wife.

Aside from swinger clubs (which can be very hit or miss), your best bet is probably with an adult dating site like  Adult Friend Finder which has tens of millions of members looking for sexual relationships. We often recommend this site because it’s one of the biggest and most popluar on the internet.

While the focus is on having a threesome, there is some very good advice on how to make your partner feel comfortable in this type of situation.

When you’re talking about bringing another person into your relationship it’s very important to prevent the jealousy monster from rearing its ugly head by making sure that your wife knows how much you love and desire her first and foremost and that no one can ever come between the two of you.

In Summary

Ignoring the issue is not a possible solution! Address the issue now by talking openly and honestly with your wife about the possible options.

  • Try alternative remedies to harness and better control your sexual energy
  • Try supplements or other alternative remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wifes sex drive
  • Bring someone else into the picture to satisfy your sexual needs

Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?

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Ponder this question for a moment…

Society teaches us that it is wrong to love two men at the same time, or two women for that matter.

At the same time we are taught to love everyone in our family unconditionally.

Is it because that love is not sexual in nature?

Why isn’t is possible, or should I say, why are we taught that it’s wrong to love more than one person romantically and to be sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time?

Think about this while you read this question and our answer…

The Question

I am in love with two men. Both say they love me and eventually want to marry me.

One is my best friend, the person I feel I can talk to about anything, and the person who has always been there for me and who I can communicate with and makes me laugh. However, I am not sexually attracted to him, although I love him and enjoy intimacy other than sexual intimacy. Also in order to have children we will need to have IVF to prevent a genetic disorder, which will mean suffering for me.

The other is not my best friend. We have trouble communicating and he is always running around with his many friends rather than spending quiet time with me at home, although he can be very romantic and loving. However I am incredibly sexually attracted to him and love him, and also I would be able to conceive with him naturally without IVF.

I am confused. I have tried looking inside my heart to determine who I love more…but that doesn’t work as I love them both for different reasons and for different qualities. I have tried writing up a list of things I like and don’t like about both of them but this doesn’t work either. I need to make a decision as I am hurting myself and them. I am scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later when I realize I chose the wrong person.

My question I suppose is, is it better to marry my best friend even though I don’t desire to have sex with him, as I know that communication will always be easy with him, and will not something that we have to work at. Also I know he will always be there for me, never betray me to his friends, always understand or try to understand my views, and spend more time at home with me instead of constantly going out every night. I suppose my problem here is that sex is an important part of marriage and I am scared I just wont want to do it as often as him as I don’t desire it, which will mean his needs as well as my needs will not be met, and will hurt the relationship.

Or is it better to marry someone who you are incredibly sexually attracted to since sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, and work on the communication, even if it means always having issues that you will have to work hard to resolve because communication between you is something that has never come easily and will require a lot of work because you are each on different wavelengths?

In a way I wish I could put guy #1’s personality in guy #2’s body, then I would have the perfect mate. I just don’t know what to do. I truly love them both, for different reasons. I just don’t know what I should give more importance to in helping me make my decision. I suppose that another resolution would be that since I don’t know who I love more, I would choose that person who loves ME more. In that way I could be more sure about making the right decision. Both have done things to hurt me, and both have done things to show me they love me, albeit in very different ways….so I really don’t know how to get that answer either.

I just want to do the right thing. I have had ample time to think about this and time hasn’t helped, in fact it has gone on too long. Please help me.

Confused Sarah

The answer to Sarah’s question…

The Answer

Communication and friendship are critical for a long term relationship.

Sex alone is not enough and how can the sex stay good if you are not able to talk to one another?

Having said that, if you’re not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason, how can you possibly expect to have a romantic relationship with them?

You are in a difficult situation.

Have you considered that neither of these guys are ‘marriage’ material?

Our society is so hung up on locking in that interest rate and getting married before all of the good ones are gone. It is possible to have a long term relationship without getting married.

What’s the rush? Are either of these guys pushing the issue?

It sounds like you’re still young. There’s absolutely no need to rush into marriage and family. As long as you’re open with both guys, there’s nothing wrong with dating both of them… Assuming they’ll go for it.

Take your time, relax a little bit, and stop ‘planning’ your future and try enjoying today for a little while. Don’t worry so much about who you need to marry and have kids with, unless of course your’ e ready to do those things right now, today, this minute.

I can’t decide for you which of these guys will make the best husband for you because if he’s willing to work on it with you, you can correct your communication issues with guy #2 (will most likely take the assistance of a counselor). You can also, work on the sexual pleasure issues with guy number #1 (there are counselors for this too).

The animal magnetism that you spoke of with guy #2 will most likely fade after a few years when that initial relationship high wears off.  His body definitely will not last forever…  Will you still be attracted to him if he puts on 20 pounds and stops running around everywhere? Where do you go if you can’t talk about sex and your changing wants and needs?

And his running around with his friends will probably get old, sooner than later. Not a good thing. Just remember you can’t change people, they change only if and when they’re ready.

I lean to guy #1 as the best long term choice, but if you’re absolutely not physically attracted to him, it won’t work. At the same time, if you can’t resolve the communication issues with guy #2, that won’t work either…

In Summary

  • It could be that neither one of these men is “the one” for you long term.
  • Live your for life today, not only for the future.
  • Why the strong rush to marry one of them right away? Maybe you should hold off until you feel the right time to marry “the right man” comes. There’s absolutely no need to rush into marriage and family.

I have to say I’m completely stumped on which one you should choose, if you should even choose one of them… I could pretend that I know exactly what you should do, but I refuse to lie to you and give you advice that I wouldn’t give my best friend.

Hopefully, however I have raised some new questions in your mind that will help you make the best decision for you.

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

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If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget – take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

  • Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
  • Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
  • Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
  • It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

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Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action :-)).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.