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First Date Question – How Can I Avoid the Conversation Dead Zone and Keep From Striking Out?

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The Question

"I get stuck trying to start the conversation. Absolute silence drives me crazy. The ice breaker that I say usually ends up being something really stupid." – Anonymous

The Honest Answer

We’ve all been there before – that awkward silence that occurs when you’ve just met someone and have no idea what to say…

Just picture this in your mind… You’ve just met someone new and you’re a little unsure what to say to make a good first impression. Maybe you’re a little shy and a lot nervous! Maybe you’re just tired from a long day at the office. Regardless, you’re completely stuck and cannot think of a single intelligent thing to say. To make matters worse, your date isn’t saying anything either.

It’s the "FIRST DATE DEAD ZONE!" – Help! Someone say something… anything… Quick!

Is your fax machine more articulate that you?

No, your fax machine simply has an established protocol for first dates. Think back to the last time you faxed a document to someone. Your fax machine makes a connection to the other fax machine, and then you hear all kinds of gibberish before the document starts going through.

Did you ever wonder what that’s all about?

Well, the two fax machines are basically saying hello and setting the tone of the conversation, how fast they’re going to talk, what language they are going to use, and how long they’re going to chat.

It’s very similar to those first few minutes with your date.

  • You’re getting to know a brand new person
  • You’re getting used to their speech patterns and body language
  • You’re figuring out their sense of humor (which can in and of itself change the tone of the conversation completely)
  • You’re trying to determine their intentions. Are they really friendly? Can you trust them? Do the mean you any harm?
  • Do you really, really like them?

You simply need to implement your own personal first date protocol.

It’s important to remember that WHAT is said during those first few minutes doesn’t really matter. What is important is to establish that initial, friendly connection with the other person.

Here are some communication 101 tips for getting started on the right foot.

  • Be friendly and genuinely nice
  • Show concern for the other person’s feelings
  • Truly listen to them – look them in the eyes (I know that’s a tough one but you can do it.)

That’s great, but what do I say? Is there a canned ice breaker for every occasion?

Not exactly, but there’s always something you can say to alleviate the awkward silence.  

These ideas should work in most first date situations.

  • Ask about their day… How was it?
  • Ask about their work… What do they do? How do they like it?
  • Inquire about pets and children. How many? Names? Ages?
  • Do they have anything that they like to do when they’re not working? Hobbies? Sports? Etc.

I know these sound rather generic, but the idea behind these simple questions is to find something that you both enjoy and feel comfortable talking about. Hopefully, you will find some things that you have in common.

However, it is important to not get too personal too fast .  Show interest, and ask further probing questions, but don’t be too intrusive. You don’t want to scare the other person off.

So why do we freeze up on the first date?

In most cases, that uncomfortable silence (which can often cause panic for some), is based on fear. Yes, fear…

  • Fear that you’ll say something really stupid
  • Fear that you’ll have nothing in common
  • Fear that the other person won’t like you
  • Fear of being put on the spot to perform

How do you overcome YOUR fear?

Although there isn’t a magic formula that will save you every time, there is a solution to your problem. Take a little time before your date to come up with a few simple and general questions that you can ask or compliments that you might be able to make. Write them down on a piece of paper. Keep the piece of paper in your wallet or purse. You don’t necessarily have to look at it – just having it with you and knowing that it’s there will help you remember.

If you get really stuck, excuse yourself to the restroom and look at your cheat sheet. When you return, you will surely impress your date with your thoughtful and caring questions.

Stay tuned, more soon…

We encourage our readers to send us their most pressing online dating and relationship questions. If you haven’t told us your biggest dating question yet, you’ll want to go to AskDanAndJennifer.com and do it now before you forget.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent book 300 Creative Dates.

Online Dating Question – How Can You Spot a Fake Online Profile?

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The Question

How do you know that the profile is for real and not something made up to get you to join the online dating site? I would get lots of emails from a dating site so I would join it, and then the emails just stop. What’s up with that? – Anonymous

The Honest Answer

To avoid online dating scams, your best bet is to stick with the major online dating sites that have been around for a few years and have a large member base. They won’t admit it, but I have personally seen some of the smaller or more obscure dating sites ‘pad’ the website with fake profiles and even go so far as to send a message to their members from this ‘fake’ person in the hopes of generating more activity on the site.

The larger, more well known dating sites have no reason to do this and generally have employees whose job it is to monitor new accounts and weed out the spammers and the scammers. The larger sites also have a public image to protect, which works in your favor. If you suspect someone of being a spammer or scammer, make sure that you report them immediately to the website’s support team.

Why do the messages stop after you join?

There are all kinds of reasons that a real person may not answer your messages and many of them have nothing to do with you personally. Maybe they got really busy, left town on vacation, or decided that online dating is just not their thing. The important thing here is not to get discouraged. There are lots more fish in the sea.

I would recommend trying to send a few messages over the course of a few weeks before deciding to give up entirely. And then, if you still don’t here anything, move on.

There are situations where the person messaging you could be a scammer trying to contact you for whatever reason. Those accounts are often found and terminated quickly on the major dating sites. So by the time you respond, the account may have been deleted.

You might also get a wink from a girl who’s not actually a paying member of that site. If you join to message her she may not be able to respond unless she pays… and she may not be willing to do that. If she’s not willing to pay to talk to you, then she’s not worth your time anyway. Move on to the next cute girl on your list.

Red flags. How can you know the real people from the scammers?

“Red flags” are defined as those little things that you can look for in a person’s profile that indicate the profile may be fake. Although there is really no way to know for sure if a profile is real or fake, there are some red flags that you should watch out for.

Here are some examples of what I mean when I say “red flags”…

•  The person invites you to check him or her out at a different website. This could still be a real profile, but it could also be an invitation to sign up to a porn site.

•  If a woman you have never met, sends you a message that is extremely forward and flirty, she might just be a porn model or cam girl trying to lure you to her site, or a prostitute trying to get clients.

•  A really great looking guy or girl (we’re talking super model quality) sends you a message even though you haven’t even uploaded a photo or filled out your profile.

•  The grammar in the profile is of very poor quality and sounds foreign. There are a lot a spammers, often from Russia and Nigeria (and many other places), that specifically target dating sites and other social network sites, such as MySpace and Friendster.

•  If a person requests your personal information such as phone number, address, or any other type of personal or financial information, they may just be using the dating site to collect information to use for identity theft or some other fraudulent scam.

•  If for any reason, the person or the message seems ‘to good to be true’, this should urge you be careful.

I’m not saying that you should never respond to messages that meet these criteria, but if you do, proceed with caution!

You’ll be fine if you just use common sense. Remember, online or not, real world rules still apply.

Dating and Relationship Advice – Can You Use the Law of Attraction to Find True Love?

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Have you ever noticed that when you start thinking about buying a new car, you start to see that car everywhere you go? This happens to all of us on both a very small and very large scale. For our purposes, we are talking about the very common idea that our “thoughts create our reality”.

Now, you may be thinking…

“Wait, this sounds really weird. I’ve never heard of this stuff before, so it must be bogus.” Hold that thought for just a minute… If you’re not already in the perfect relationship and your life isn’t already exactly as you want it to be, then keep reading. This very short article could just change your life for the better.

So what is the Law of Attraction? Simply put it is a Universal Law that says we will attract into our lives the things that we focus our attention on, whether it is positive or negative. Whether you are aware of it or not, every thought you have, every emotion you feel, everything you hear and read, affects your reality.

So what does that have to do with dating and relationships?

By truly understanding what you want from a relationship and applying some very basic Law of Attraction principles, you will ensure that you get what you truly desire. It is important to understand exactly what physical traits, behaviors, values, beliefs, and interests are important to you so that you can focus on what you want in your relationship instead of what you don’t want.

Remember, you will get what you focus on.

Many times, people will go from one failed relationship to another without giving any thought whatsoever to why or how their relationships keep failing. Even better, they over correct and end up in another relationship that fails for similar, yet opposite extreme reasons.

“If you’re like I was, you have no idea what you really want
from your next relationship – only it should be completely different from
the last one that failed so miserably!”

I certainly knew what I didn’t want – at least from the relationship that just ended. Wouldn’t it have been great if I would have taken the time to think about all of the failed relationships and combined all that heartache into one clear idea of what I did and did not want in a relationship? I could have saved myself a few swings of the pendulum.

How do I ‘Attract’ the perfect relationship for me?

I’m going to show you a real quick and simple way to Attract the exact person that you are looking for – Your dream date!

Take out a piece of paper and write down everything you want in your perfect relationship. What is he or she like? How do they look, smell, talk? What kinds of things will you do together? How do you feel when you’re around them? Really get into this and take the time to write down every detail. It’ll be well worth it in the end.

Most people never take this step of writing down what they want and yet it is the single most important step in finding the partner of their dreams.

“Do you know that by simply writing down what you want, you increase your chances of getting it by 80%!”

Just think about that for a minute…

Don’t doubt yourself. Assume that you are perfect in every way and there is nothing standing in your way of getting exactly what you want. Not money, or looks, or time, or anything else.

“Imagine… You can have anything that you want!”

When you have finished this exercise, you will be well ahead of the game. Take as long as you need… This is key to your ultimate success!

Be VERY clear in your mind about what you want. Otherwise, the Universe will have no idea what you really want – and that’s what it will give you. (Just a quick note, when I say ‘Universe’, I mean God, Buddha, Mother Earth, or whatever term you use for your universal higher power.)

Confused? Stay with me here… Imagine going to a restaurant and ordering a hamburger. The waiter turns in your order. Before your hamburger arrives, you change your order. Now you tell the waiter that you really want a steak. The waiter turns in your order. Before your steak arrives, you tell the waiter that you have changed your mind again and would like a salad. Now at this point, most waiters would tell you to make the salad yourself. The Universe will not do this, but can you see how it is very difficult for the Universe to give you exactly what you want when you don’t even know?

OK – finished?

If you didn’t do it – go back and do it. I said that this would be simple, but you still have to do a little of the work.

Now that you’re very clear about what you really desire in a partner, take that piece of paper, fold it up and carry it with you for at least a week. Carry it in your pocket, in your wallet or purse, or in your underwear. It doesn’t matter where you put it, as long as you keep it with you for at least a week. Every time you remember that you have this piece of paper with you, remember the feeling of what it will be like to be with your partner. Really feel it!

There’s one more very important step. During this week, make sure that you listen to your gut, or inner voice. If it tells you to stop at the dry cleaners on Tuesday when you normally go on Thursday, go on Tuesday! You may meet you soul mate while your standing in line. The point here is that you’ve placed your order with the Universe, now you need to pay attention to the signs that are being sent your way and ACT ON THEM!

That’s really all there is to this exercise. If you’re interested in learning more about the Law of Attraction and how it can change your life, here are some of my favorite books on the subject. Read them all – twice!

“Ask and It Is Given”, by Jerry and Ester Hicks
“The Power of Intention”, by Wayne Dyer
“The Attractor Factor”, by Joe Vitale

Online Dating Question – I’m a Good Catch. Are all the Women in My Area Stupid?

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The Question

I need someone to help me try to stand out. There is no one around here that can help me. That or the women in my area are stupid, because I AM A CATCH! – Phil in Illinois

The Honest Answer

We’ll respond to the last part of Phil’s question first and then tell you a few quick tips to really make your online profile stand out from all the other guys on any dating site.

Part 1: “…That or the women in my area are stupid, because I AM A CATCH!”

When you’re trying to appeal to another person , i.e. to attract that really cute girl, take a look at yourself from her perspective, and figure out what would be attractive and what is important to her. Take the time to write down all of your best qualities “from her perspective”. At that point it’s about her, not about you.

Maybe you’re coming across as a little too strong (read: arrogant). Many women like subtle confidence but not arrogance. You need to be sure of yourself without offending her.

Focus on your best qualities in your headline and online profile details. Also – and this is VERY important – remember that every person is a unique individual, with distinct preferences and tastes. What is a “great catch” to one person could be a turn off to another person, and vice versa. Be careful of assuming that other people perceive things the same way you do – that’s rarely the case and will often get you into trouble, especially with women.

Part 2: “I need someone to help me try to stand out…”

Here are some simple things that you can do to REALLY stand out among all of the other men on any dating site.

Upload a Quality Photo

We will continue to hammer on this one until every guy out there gets it! Most men do not upload their photo and the fact is that profiles with photos get 10 times more looks than those without. And get this, profiles with QUALITY photos get 4 times more looks than profiles with poor photos.

The key word here is QUALITY PHOTO. That’s where most men who do upload a photo really mess up. They upload a poor grainy photo, or worse yet, they upload a photo with their ex-girlfriend scribbled out. If you don’t like your photo, have a professional one made. There are many professional photo services that do nothing but create great photos for your online dating profile. This is the single biggest thing you can do to stand out!

Write a Catchy Headline

When it comes to writing an online profile, it is easy to make the mistake of not paying enough attention to your headline. Most people will click on a profile with a catchy headline just to see what the person has to say next.

The whole purpose of your headline is to get the other person to want to know more about you. Your headline should be something special about you, but still make them curious. You’re trying to get them to want to read more of your profile, so it helps to either ask a question that the reader might think will be answered in the profile, or try and establish a sense of mystery.

Have a well -written, intriguing profile

Writing about your self in paragraph form can be a very daunting task. What do I say? Where do I begin? Why are they making me do this? First, take a deep breath and relax. Taking the time to write a good profile will attract more compatible women to your profile and save you a lot of wasted time and energy in the end. There are some basic and simple rules that can make the process much easier.

Be yourself. Honesty is the Best Policy . Even though it may be tempting to fudge a little bit on your weight, your age, or your marital status, the best way to ensure that you will find the person that you are looking for is to BE HONEST!

Write like you speak. Be yourself. Sure, you’re trying to put your best foot forward, but you’re also trying to find someone who likes you for who you really are.

Target your market. Don’t talk “leather and whips” when your looking for true romance at eHarmony and in the same respect, don’t use words like “true love” when you are looking for a one-night stand at Adult Friend Finder.

Be specific. Avoid generalities. Use concrete examples from your life. Instead of saying “I like football,” you can say “I like watching the Dallas Cowboys on Monday night at my favorite sports bar. You can see how that says so much more about you. What things are most important to you in life? Is it health, career, family, fun, learning, religion, or personal development? The things you choose to prioritize say a lot about who you are; including them in your profile will attract the right type of woman to you and lead others away.

Don’t forget to spell check . Nothing is worse than reading a profile that starts with “maybe your the one for me” or something worse. (In case you didn’t catch that it should be ” you’re” instead of “your”.) Sure, we’re not all perfect, but that squiggly red line under half of your text is there for a reason.

Dating a Younger Woman in 5 Easy Steps

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The Question

I am looking for a younger woman but most women want to date someone around their own age. What can I do? – Anonymous

Today’s question is from one of our readers who wishes to stay anonymous; we’ll call him Bill.

Read the question again. Notice how Bill is already convinced that the younger woman he seeks will not be interested in someone his age. This is a self fulfilling belief which is virtually guaranteed to come true. If you believe deep down that you’re going to fail, then you will.

The Honest Answer

In short, yes, you can absolutely find a younger woman that’s right for you. You just need to set your target, take action, and stay the course.

How can you get started in the right direction?

First, take a look deep down inside and figure out exactly why you want to meet a younger woman. And then think about what this perfect woman would be like. Describe her in as much detail as you possible can. Then, write it down on a piece of paper. List her age, physical appearance, personality traits, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc. Once your have described the perfect woman for you in great detail, fold up that piece of paper and carry it with you for 1 week.

Imagine that you are already with her. What will you do? What will you talk about? Where will you go? REALLY feel it and get into the emotion of it — How will you feel when you are with her? All of this may sound silly, but do you know that by simply writing down what you want, you increase your chances of getting it by 80%!

Just think about that one for a minute…

“The discipline of writing something down is the first step toward making it happen.”

– Lee Iacocca

Social stigmas and why do you care?

You don’t. Our society is full of social stigmas. We’re so busy being concerned about “what others will think” that we we’re afraid to pursue our own dreams. Yes, many people love to pass judgment on others, but that’s their choice and their right. Why they do it is a larger topic for another day, but it’s really not important here. No one else can possibly know what’s right for you, so why listen to them?

A wise person once said,

“What someone else thinks about you is none of your business”.

Is it true that most women want someone around their own age?

This is completely untrue! Fact is, each of us has different and unique wants and needs. Your goal and single focus should be finding the perfect woman for you. Period.

5 easy tips for attracting and dating younger women.

Younger women are often attracted to traits like maturity (like their daddy), more money and higher social status, masculinity, leadership abilities, confidence, and composure, so it’s important for you to focus on whichever of these traits you possess.

1) Be yourself.
When older guys meet a younger woman they often get nervous and start to act really weird. Don’t do this — just be yourself.

2) Keep it light and fun.
Be playful. Have fun. Tease her. She hasn’t forgotten what it’s like to play and goof around. It’ll do you some good to remember not to take life so seriously. Be a little crazy and opt for things that younger guys generally can’t afford to do. Go ahead. Enjoy yourself.

3) Be the leader. Be the man.
Younger women are most likely looking for someone to take the lead. They have less experience in life and are most likely looking for someone to show them what’s out there. Make your date and other plans ahead of time, but be sensitive and ask her opinion of the plans that you have already made. (She may be allergic to sushi). Be a man, yet respect her opinion. Opening doors, walking on the outside of the curb, and pulling out chairs is another way to make a big impression on younger women.

4) Don’t act like a “perv”.
Most attractive young women have been hit on by some lame, perverted older guy. Don’t try to move in too soon or she’ll think you’re just a “perv” looking to get into her pants. When your alone together, it’s OK to flirt, but let her pursue you for anything further. Otherwise you may scare her away.

5) Give her some space.
Younger women have probably just gotten out of their parent’s house with very structured lives and zero freedom. If she’s attracted to you, it’s not because you’re re-creating the suffocating environment that she just left… it’s because you represent something different. Give her some space. Be the man that she’s always dreamed about, and then don’t chase her. Let her come to you.