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Relationship Advice: My Partner Isn’t Who I Thought They Were!

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A relationship is built on trust – what do you do when your significant other isn’t who you thought they were in the beginning? Can you save the relationship?

It can feel like total betrayal when you discover that your mate isn’t exactly who you thought they were. Maybe you’re horrified to discover that they’ve had a completely different romantic past than you thought. Maybe you’re just shocked to discover their religious or political beliefs aren’t what you thought they’d be. Regardless, you need to talk things through, unearth other possible secrets, and decide whether or not this is still the right person for you.

When They’re Not Who You Think

Few things are as jarring as discovering that your partner isn’t who you thought him or her to be. Sometimes it’s our own fault, of course. You immediately jump to great conclusions about someone because you want them to be golden thanks to how attracted you feel toward them. Then you get to know them a little better and find out they’re not as perfect as you’d imagined.

On the other hand, sometimes your mate is going to pretty great lengths to make sure that you don’t find out something unsavory about them. So what do you do when a secret about your S.O. comes to light? How can you decide whether or not you should stay together, and, if you want to stay together, how can you move past the bad news? A good long talk or two with your partner can help you begin to rebuild trust.

How Bad Is It Really?

The first thing to do once your mate’s negative secret has been revealed to you is to assess just how bad that secret is. If you find out that your boyfriend has another girlfriend, that’s grounds for immediate breakup. If you’re a bleeding-heart liberal and your new girlfriend casually announces that she’s a conservative Republican, you might be annoyed about it, but that’s not a reason to immediately give up on the relationship.

Decide Whether It’s A Relationship Dealbreaker

You basically have to decide whether the secret is just something unsavory about your S.O., or something that indicates they will not make a good mate. In other words, if your mate tells you before the first time you have sex that he or she got an STD from their ex, that’s a problem that should be worked out. If they tell you they got that STD when they were cheating on their ex with a hooker, or they wait and tell you after you’ve had unprotected sex, that’s grounds for dismissal.

People certainly make mistakes in their life, and we do change as we mature. Finding out that your partner was quite the playboy back in college might make your heart sink a little. If he’s shown in more recent years that he can be in serious relationships, it’s worth looking past his previous mistakes and giving him a chance (though you should certainly insist he gets tested for various STD’s).

People are also allowed their own quirks and opinions. Let’s take the case of our conservative girlfriend and her liberal boyfriend. While he might initially be bothered by the fact that she believes in different political practices than he does, they could ultimately find that their opposing opinions give them something truly interesting to debate about. Additionally, just because she’s a registered Republican doesn’t mean she might not agree with some of the policies that he believes in. Some people truly can’t respect other’s opinions or beliefs, but a lot of people can. How else do people who practice completely different faiths end up together?

Talking To Your Partner About It

Once you get over the initial shock of the big reveal, sit down and have a really detailed discussion with your partner about it. If they were holding out on you about something and you discovered it via another source, you have the right to be angry that they hid something from you. That’s true whether the secret is something you can get over or not.

You need to talk to them about how they’ve damaged your trust in them, and then try to figure out how to work together to rebuild that trust. Open up about any secrets you might be keeping, and get your S.O. to do the same. Make the point to them that hiding things makes them even worse. If your partner is genuinely apologetic about keeping secrets from you, then you will be able to work together to get back to trusting each other again.

Should You Have Sex Before Age 18?

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Teen sex is common these days – you see it on television and in movies, you hear about teenage celebrities getting busy and kids at school are trying it too. But is it right for YOU? Should you do it, or should you wait?

Legality

Let’s face it – it’s not legal for people to have sex if they’re under the age of eighteen. You can’t buy porn or sex toys if you’re underage either. While tons of underage boys and girls still do have sex before they’re eighteen and never get caught, it’s important to know the basics of when it is actually legal for you to engage in sexual activity.

That said, if you and your partner are both underage, it becomes less of a criminal issue and more of an issue with your parents. However, if you are underage and your partner is over the age of eighteen, or vice versa, you can get into a LOT more trouble. The older person may be charged criminally if it is ever reported that you are having sex with them, and they will be required to register as a sex offender after any jail time, probation or community service that is issued.

Being registered as a sex offender will haunt them for the rest of their lives and make it difficult for them to buy a home, have a job, have children and visit their children’s schools, and even impact their ability to vote. It’s not something that goes away after a few years – it’s a lifetime of being on a list with pedophiles and rapists. Think twice about having sex you or your partner are underage!

What Are You Waiting For?

If teen sex isn’t something you want to be involved in, think about the “why.” Are you waiting for marriage? Are you waiting until the age of eighteen to do it so you or your partner don’t get into trouble? Whatever your reason for waiting is, it’s a good reason – and it’s important that you fully understand the reason why you’re waiting so you can stay strong and continue to abstain.

If you’re not “waiting” but you just haven’t had sex yet, think about some of the reasons you should wait. Are you in a serious, committed relationship? If not, perhaps you should wait until you’re in love. Think about possibly getting yourself or your partner in legal trouble, or going against your personal beliefs. There are lots of good reasons to abstain and there are many of them that will apply to you and you alone. Perhaps you don’t want to abstain until marriage, but you just want to abstain until you’re older, smarter, more confident and ready. Every reason is a good one!

Considering Consequences

No one likes to think about the consequences of teen sex, but it’s a must if you’re considering losing your virginity. Having sex is an adult activity, and if you feel like you’re adult enough to handle it, then you’re definitely adult enough to think about the possible consequences beforehand. A lot of teenagers are afraid that if they think about the consequences of teen sex before they have it, they might talk themselves out of it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing!

If you’re sure you want to do it and “being talked out of it” isn’t something you feel will happen, considering the consequences will help you effectively plan for anything that might happen as a result of your decision. Think about the possibility of getting an STD – and all the different ways that they can be transmitted – and think about what you can do to reduce your risk as well as what you’ll do in the event that it does happen. Unwanted pregnancy is similar – before you have sex, think about how you can prevent an unwanted pregnancy and how you might deal with one should it actually happen.

Staying Safe

If you’ve thought long and hard and have decided that now is the right time to have sex, take the time to look into all safety options that you have available to you – and there are a LOT! Think about going to your doctor and getting on birth control. If you’re too young to go to the doctor by yourself and can’t tell your parents that you’ve made the decision to have sex and want to get on birth control, you don’t need to be having sex.

Also, think about using condoms and spermicide. Get flavored condoms and dental dams for oral sex. Talk to your doctor about other ways you can practice safe sex. Sex isn’t fun if all you’re worried about is getting pregnant or an STD. It’s also not fun if you’re worried about your partner going to jail.

If you can’t get it on with a clear conscience, try waiting until you can!

Q&A: Her Vagina Smells Bad – What Do I Do?

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A vagina has a natural scent which some men enjoy and others don’t. Just like male genitals have a scent, so do female genitals. There are many things that could change the natural smell of the vagina and make the odor much stronger or even foul, so what do you do when the smell of her downstairs area becomes too much to handle?

Question: What do I do when her vagina smells really bad? I noticed, but I did not want to say anything. How do I kill that smell in my room, on my bed and on me?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DovZn_FeAo&feature=channel_video_title[/youtube]

Take A Shower Together Before Sex

As part of your foreplay routine, take a shower before sex. Sex in the shower can be super hot, and you can make washing your lover’s vagina part of turning her on. She’ll love the feel of your hands on her clitoris and labia as you soap her up, and she very well may want to do the same to you!

A shower before sex accomplishes two things – you get to wash your partner’s vagina without her really knowing that you’re washing it to get rid of odor (as long as you act like you’re trying to turn her on rather than scrub her clean) and you’re getting her aroused in the process. It’s a win-win situation!

Both Male And Female Genitals Have An Odor

Men may act like going down on a woman that has vaginal odor is the worst thing in the world, but many men forget that their genitals also have an odor. A man’s genitals smell a certain way, even when he is clean. His scent, however, will get stronger and more pungent in between showers and especially if he’s worked outside or engaged in physical activity such as jogging or aerobics.

A woman’s vagina is the same way – her natural smell is going to be less noticeable right after a shower, but it’s still there. It will get stronger as the day goes on, but this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her. Women who have more pubic hair will also have a stronger odor, simply because body fluids stick to the hair. Some people find that the scent of their partner’s genitals is arousing, while other people don’t like it at all.

Also, be aware that if you and your partner have sex often without a condom, your seminal fluid is going to be hanging out in her vagina. It’s not going to hurt anything to leave it in there and your partner’s vagina will eventually clean itself out, however, many people find it easier to simply rinse the semen out by douching.

It Could Be An Infection

Women are prone to vaginal infections such as bacterial or yeast infections. A bacterial or yeast infection can cause a woman’s odor to change and become stronger, even with proper genital hygiene. If she washes regularly, or you take a shower before sex and you still notice that your partner’s vagina has a strong odor, she may have an infection.

In this case, you may want to suggest going to the doctor. This can be an awkward conversation, but if you’re genuinely concerned about her and her health and offer to go with her without criticism, she’s not going to be as offended. Do NOT make it about you and how you can’t stand your partner’s vaginal odor. She will likely never have sex with you again!

Not A Chemistry Match

Both men and women release pheromones through their genitals, and different people are attracted to different pheromones. It all has to do with body chemistry – if you find that your partner almost always smells really good down there to you, her body chemistry is likely a great match for you. Alternatively, if you find that she almost always smells really bad to you – even if she has impeccable genital hygiene – she may not be a good chemistry match for you.

Foods That She Eats

You may have heard that eating certain foods will affect the taste of your semen, and the same applies to women. The food she eats will have an impact on her vaginal odor. If she eats a lot of cabbage, garlic, broccoli and onions, her vaginal odor is going to be very pungent. On the other hand, if she’s eating a lot of sweet foods like pineapple and strawberries, her vagina is going to smell sweeter as well.

When To See A Doctor

If you’ve gone through every possible cause of her vaginal odor and you still aren’t able to eliminate it, it may be time to get checked out by the doctor. Other reasons to bring a doctor on board are:

  • Pain while urinating (you or her)
  • Discharge coming from your penis
  • If odor doesn’t go away with hygiene or gets worse
  • Sexual intercourse is painful for her

There’s nothing embarrassing about going to see the doctor – if you’re not comfortable talking with the doctor you currently have about sex or the health of your genitals, find a new one. If your partner isn’t comfortable enough with her doctor to do so, encourage her to find a doctor she is comfortable with.

How To Talk To Her About It

Having to talk to her about her vaginal odor might seem impossible, but if you do it very carefully, it will end well. Some things to keep in mind are:

Don’t Joke About It

Never make jokes about her vaginal odor or make fun of her in any way. Never allow her to overhear you joking about it with your friends, never put it in a text, etc. etc. Guys can often be insensitive, but make sure you’re aware of her feelings the entire time.

Come Off As Concerned

Don’t approach her in a critical way – she’ll instantly get defensive. Instead, make sure she knows you’re concerned about her and her health, not about yourself. If she truly feels as though you care, she’ll be more willing to investigate the problem with you. Offer to go to the doctor with her and be supportive of her as you both try to figure out the root of the problem.

Be Honest With Her

Honesty is important here. While you want to be careful about what you’re saying, lying to her or trying to “sugar coat” the issue isn’t going to get you anywhere. Just be truthful with her in a courteous way.

Can Giving Oral Sex Cause Cancer?

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Oral sex can transmit STD’s if you’re not careful to protect yourself and reduce your risk. Infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea can be transmitted from the genitals to the mouth and throat, but most of the time, mild to moderate infections can be treated with a course of antibiotics.

This alone may make people feel that they don’t need to use protection during oral sex, but think again – because giving your partner cunnilingus or fellatio may do more harm than you originally thought. Can giving oral sex cause cancer later in life?

HPV The Leading Cause Of Throat Cancers In The U.S.

Until recently, the scientific community believed that tobacco use, both cigarettes and smokeless tobacco, was the leading cause of throat and mouth cancer in the United States. However, this status has changed as more research and statistics become available and tobacco is no longer the front runner for causing abnormalities in the throat and mouth.

A sexually transmitted disease called HPV – better known as human papilloma virus – has now taken the lead in causing these types of cancers. Ohio State University alum Dr. Maura Gillson reports that HPV is responsible for 64% of throat and mouth cancers in the U.S., while the remainder of the world still touts tobacco as the leading cause of this type of cancer.

Other cancers that can be caused by the human papilloma virus are cervical cancer, cancer of the genitals including the vagina and the penis and some cancers within the anus or colon.

What Is HPV?

The CDC reports that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease. You may have heard of “genital warts” – this is because HPV causes small, cauliflower-like bumps to appear on the affected area. However, the warts may not appear in all cases of HPV. Many men and women who carry the infection do not show any outward symptoms at all and may not even be aware that they are infected.

There are over forty strains of HPV, most of which do not affect the body at all. The CDC reports that in almost 90% of HPV cases, the virus is naturally cleared from the body by its own immune system in two years or less. Because some strains of the disease cause genital warts and other strains cause cancer, it is unknown within the medical community which strains will cause what problems.

How Can You Get HPV From Oral Sex?

Being exposed to the human papilloma virus in any way will increase your risk for cancer significantly. The virus is usually spread through genital to genital contact, such as during sex, but can also spread from mouth to genital contact such as with oral sex.

The disease knows no boundaries – it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, bi-sexual or even if it’s been years since you had sexual contact with someone who was infected with the virus. It is also possible to contract and carry more than one strain of HPV at a time, therefore increasing your risk for cancer even more.

If you perform oral sex on someone that is infected with HPV, you’re not going to get cancer right away. It usually takes many years for the cancer to develop, because it takes time for the cells in the affected area of your body to mutate into cancer cells. You’re not going to tell that your cells are mutating and becoming abnormal either – that is, until you actually develop cancer and begin to show symptoms of it such as noticing a lump or tumor in the neck or blood tests for cancer markers come up positive.

Why Teens Are More At Risk

Teens have the highest risk of developing cancer later in life from an HPV infection contracted during their high school years. Why is this? Most teens don’t consider cunnilingus or fellatio as actual sex – to them, it doesn’t count. Teens may know that they need to use a condom during regular sex, however, if they’re trying to maintain their virginity or don’t want to risk getting an STD or getting pregnant, they may forgo intercourse all together in lieu of oral sex.

While oral sex generally can be safer than traditional vaginal intercourse, these days it’s not. This is because while abstinence and safe sex programs go over STD’s that can be transmitted through sexual intercourse, oral sex is rarely, if ever, mentioned as a probable source of contracting and spreading these diseases. Parents also drop the ball here, because many parents may cover the basics when it comes to choosing abstinence or having safer sex but they fail to talk about all forms of sex – including oral and anal sex – and how they can all contribute to the spread of STD’s.

Many teens feel that because their school didn’t discuss the dangers of oral or anal sex and their parents didn’t either – plus, it allows them to technically maintain their virginity, so they really aren’t having “sex” anyways – that it’s completely safe. Sex education programs in the United States should start recognizing oral sex and anal sex as common among teens and include information about how these types of activities can contribute to the spread of STD’s. They should also provide information on how men and women can protect themselves during these activities.

Parents, however, are where the buck truly stops when it comes to educating their teens on how to have safer sex. Most parents aren’t well versed in how STD’s are spread and how to protect against transmission, simply because their parents never told them, their schools surely didn’t and many of them have been in monogamous relationships for several years. Many parents, due to lack of sexual education for themselves, may very well be practicing unsafe sex and oral sex themselves – so how are they supposed to teach their children how to stay safe?

How To Protect Yourself

Learn as much as you can about sexually transmitted diseases, including HPV, and how they are spread. Realize that any sexual contact – including oral sex, fingering, anal sex and other types of sexual contact – has at least some risk associated with it and many activities post a higher risk than others. Do yourself a favor and visit the CDC website for up to date information on STD’s.

Always wear a condom during sex, oral and anal sex. For cunnilingus, dental dams can be used to protect the giving partner. Learn how to use these properly to decrease your risk and if whoever your partner is doesn’t want to use them, find a new lover. There is no pleasure that is worth carrying around an STD for the rest of your life or getting cancer when you’re fifty because that one time you decided you couldn’t be bothered with a dental dam or a condom.

Remember to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases often – almost all public health clinics offer this testing for free. There’s no reason not to and you should also insist that your partner be tested as well. This is especially true if you’re both considering a monogamous relationship in which you plan to have unprotected sex, anal sex and oral sex.

Knowledge is power – educate yourself and stay safe!

Oral Sex – Do You Need A Condom And Can You Get An STD?

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Oral sex isn’t something that makes you think of STD’s automatically –  you’ve probably heard that the greatest risk for transmitting sexual infections such as HIV, AIDS, chlamydia and syphilis come from anal sex and vaginal intercourse. But can STD’s be transmitted through mouth to genital sex? What do you need to do to protect yourself?

Question: Dear Dan and Jenn, I am still young and recently had the “talk” and my parents told me to navigate to this channel. Do you have any tips for a person new to the sex world? Also, I was still confused about oral sex and didn’t want to ask my parents. Do you still need a condom and can you get a STD?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prT-oMvekBs[/youtube]

Remember That You Can Only Eliminate Risk Through Abstinence

No matter what kind of sex you’re talking about – whether it’s oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex or even giving your partner a handjob or fingering them – you’re never 100% safe from sexually transmitted diseases. Even if you use spermicide, condoms or the withdrawal method, there is nothing you can do short of abstinence to completely eliminate your risk. If you’re engaging in any kind of sexual activity whatsoever with another person, you are putting yourself at risk of getting STD’s.

That said, there are lots of ways you can safely and easily reduce your risk – and be fairly confident that you’re not going to contract an STD. First of all, being in a monogamous relationship with someone who has been tested for and is free from STD’s is a start. If you have multiple sexual partners, condoms are your best asset as far as safety during sex is concerned.

Yes, Oral Sex Can Transmit STD’s

Generally speaking, the risk for spreading sexually transmitted diseases through mouth to genital sex is much less than the risk of spreading them through anal sex or vaginal intercourse. However, there is still a risk there, because STD’s like AIDS and HIV are found in vaginal fluid, pre-cum and semen. Don’t assume that just because your partner doesn’t “ejaculate” in your mouth that you are safe from STD’s.

If you have a sore or cut on your mouth before giving someone cunnilingus or fellatio, your risk of getting an STD multiplies by quite a bit. Hepatitis C, HIV and AIDS are spread easily through blood contact, even semen or precum to blood – which is the case if you have a cut or sore on or around your mouth.

You may not even know you have a cut or sore in your mouth – many times, people have small lacerations on their gums from brushing their teeth and if your gums bleed when you brush your teeth, you can be pretty certain that you have an “open wound” in your mouth all the time, at least when it comes to talking about the transmission of STD’s.

Your Risk Of Contracting An STD During Oral Sex Varies

There’s no sure way of determining how high your risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease through fellatio or cunnilingus is, because it varies. For example, pre-cum has a lower concentration of virus than semen or blood does, and if a woman infected with the HIV, Hepatitis C or AIDS virus and is on her period, she is much more likely to transmit the disease to her partner during sex.

Because how high the risk is depends on so many different factors, there’s no way to accurately say that you’re going to be safe from getting an STD during fellatio or cunnilingus without a condom.

It’s Not Just AIDS Or HIV That Can Be Spread

While HIV and AIDS are probably the most worrisome of viruses that you can contract from mouth to genital sex, they’re not the only ones. There are lots of different sexually transmitted diseases and infections:

  • Chlamydia
  • Hepatitis C
  • Gonorrhea
  • Syphilis
  • Herpes
  • Pubic Lice
  • Genital Warts
  • HPV
  • Hepatitis B

That’s a pretty long list – and while some of these diseases can be treated with antibiotics, others can’t and some can even contribute to throat and mouth cancers later on in life. Furthermore, be aware of the fact that you may not know someone has an STD – in fact, they may not even know it. They may not be displaying any symptoms at all, so it’s best to be safe and assume that you have a risk of contracting any of these diseases through oral sex at any time.

Using A Condom Or A Dental Dam During Oral Sex Will Greatly Reduce Your Risk

If you want to reduce your risk of getting an STD during fellatio or cunnilingus, using a condom or a dental dam will make it much less likely that you would take anything home that you didn’t want to. Here are some tips on how to make yourself safer when giving (or receiving):

  • Wear a condom. Try flavored condoms or a flavored lube to make things taste better (and they smell great) and definitely avoid condoms that have spermicide on them.
  • For cunnilingus, make sure that you use a dental dam. If you place a dab of lube underneath the dental dam on the clitoris and vulva, it will create real feeling sensations that are just as good – if not better – than unprotected fellatio or cunnilingus.
  • Don’t use oil based lubricant at all. Oil based lubes will break down the latex and make the condom pretty much pointless.
  • Get a fresh condom after anal sex or vaginal sex if you’re going to have mouth to genital sex. You don’t want to be using the same condom for fellatio as you did for vaginal or anal sex. Not only does that make the condom less effective, it’s a great way to spread lots of harmful bacteria.
  • If you don’t have a dental dam on hand for cunnilingus, you can do one of two things. You can use a nice, large square of plastic food wrap, or you can cut a condom lengthwise and spread it out over the vulva. Either way is better and safer than using nothing at all.