When I first got into the lifestyle, the idea that swingers call what they do with others “playing” seemed strange. They have “playdates.” They don’t fuck. They don’t have sex. No, they play. As a mother, this terminology cracked me up, and it made me cringe a little when my kiddo asked for a playdate with friends. I mean, ew. That is so not right.

It’s pretty typical for people who hang out together at work, as friends, in social groups to have their own vernacular. When you first enter that new world, it may seem like people are truly talking a foreign language. Here are a few things that swingers may say.

We’re Full Swap

In general, full swap means the couple has sexual intercourse with their playmates: female A will fuck male B and male A will fuck female B. Sometimes, female A will fuck female B, and male A will fuck male B (all depending on who is bisexual). Full swap is the most straightforward configuration in swinging, even in its complexity.

We’re Soft Swap!

Ah, soft swap is a little trickier. It may mean that couple A will have sex in the same room or on the same bed as couple B. Or, it may mean that female A will have sex with female B. Or, it may mean that female A will allow oral sex to be performed on her, but no penetration can occur; and maybe she’ll return the favor to female and/or male B. And perhaps, male A welcomes oral sex to be performed by female B and may perform oral sex on female B. And if the guys are bisexual, add those possibilities to the mix. In other words, if a couple says they are soft swap, that’s when you start asking questions. If you stop there, chances are someone will leave in a huff.

Girl/Girl Only

We don’t swap partners, but the girls can play together all they want.

Voyeur

One or both of us like watching you have sex with your partner, or you have sex with our partner, or both, but we don’t participate.

FMF/MFM/FMFM/Threesome/Foursome/Moresome

F stands for female, M stands for male. Most people can figure out the configurations. Threesomes, FMFs and MFMs don’t necessarily need bisexual females or males to make it work, but be sure you’re clear about what you’re looking for when you put it out there. Foursomes and FMFM are good fun, yet sometimes difficult to put together because everyone has to like each other and there are more people involved. Moresomes are typically more spontaneous, play-party-driven adventures where a big group of people wind up in a pile on a bed. Swingers may play in any or all of these configurations … or none of them (see voyeur).

I’m Bi-Curious

I’m interested in exploring sex with someone with the same chromosomal arrangement. In my mind, one can be bi-curious only through the first few encounters with someone of the same sex. After that, pick a side. Your choices are below.

I’m Bisexual

I like to have sex with someone of the same sex as much as (or maybe even a little more than) with someone of the opposite sex. If I’m bisexual, I will give and receive oral sex. Boys and girls can be bisexual, although bisexual men are generally still pretty closeted (and less accepted) in the lifestyle.

I’m Straight

If you are a boy and I am a girl, let’s get it on. And vice-versa. But if we’re not different below the belt, let’s keep it platonic. Sometimes, I’ve found, that straight girls are OK kissing other girls, or touching other girls in casual, nonsexual ways in bed. Usually for guys, straight means straight.

I’m Bi-Comfortable

And here we have yet another ambiguous bit of terminology. Bi-comfy–is s/he OK with kissing, touching, licking, sucking, going down on, being gone down on, or fucking someone of the opposite sex? In my experience, bi-comfy girls are cool with kissing and being touched sexually by another girl, and may even be OK receiving oral sex from a girl, but they’re unlikely to give oral sex. Still, it’s better to ask than assume.

Play/Playdate

Plain and simple: play is sexual play, from soup to, er, nuts. A playdate is the date you make with another couple or a single to play. No jumpropes required.

Vanilla

What swingers call people who don’t swing. Also, a descriptor for ideas that swingers find boring, negative, uptight or judgmental, especially if the judgment is about something us swingers are doing.

Swingle

An unattached swinger.

Dreaded Single Male

OK, maybe “dreaded” is a little over the top. I think that most single males in the lifestyle get a bad rap. Single males are usually on the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” list for most couples. They’re often on the “must call” list for single females, who are looking to hook up, but maybe not beyond a booty call.

Unicorn

The rare mythical creature that all couples seek, yet few find. A unicorn is a single female, usually bisexual. Having been a unicorn once, I can say that it’s a kick-ass place to be. You get wined and dined and can have your pick of couples. Or, you can be used as a sex toy, treated as something that’s not human, and it can be a sucky place to be. So be nice to your unicorns, people.

Hall Pass

A hall pass gives me permission to have sex with other couples or singles without my partner. About 60 percent of swingers have hall passes. Sometimes, they are “carte blanche” passes, meaning the person can have sex with anyone s/he chooses to. Other times they are “conditional” passes–perhaps the person can play with others when traveling for business, or with a specific person.

Same Room/Same House

We only have sex with a couple or single when their partner is in the same room, or perhaps their partner needs to be in the same house (a “hall pass lite”).

Bareback

Having sex without condoms. Believe it or not, some swingers don’t use condoms, a decision that I personally would not make.

DP

Ooh! Double-penetration … my favorite. Usually this means the woman has simultaneous anal and vaginal intercourse, but I also know chicks who like two dicks in their pussy at the same time. Either way, the experience is intense and not for the faint of heart. Also, a tip: ass first, then pussy. I learned the hard way (and he couldn’t stay hard).