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We Don’t Have Hot Sex Anymore. Can We Get It Back?

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My boyfriend and I are better friends than lovers. I’m crazy about him and don’t want to break up, but I miss hot sex. Help!

She Said:

First off, let me say that what you’re going through is totally normal. Passion cools in most relationships over time, so it’s important to be best friends when all is said and done. The good news is that you’re in a great position, if you can excuse the pun. The ‘bad news’ is that there is some work to be done – but it’s fun work, so don’t worry!

When You Don’t Want To Break Up

Think about what you’ve said – you’re crazy about your boyfriend. That is wonderful news! It means there’s still groundwork to build off of for the sizzle to return to your sex life. You don’t want to break up, which means there’s enough left to make you want to stay with him. There’s life in this thing yet!
Here’s your homework assignment: First off, think about what attracted you to your boyfriend in the first place. Now think about that when you’re having sex.

Remembering all the wonderful things that drew you to your honey in the first place are still there, so start appreciating those qualities again.

Bring Hot Sex Back Into The Relationship

There’s no penalty for using your imagination! What gets you hot, nowadays? Is there a movie star you like to fantasize about? Perhaps erotic fiction helps get you going? Use these things to your advantage. Most women need to be both emotionally and mentally stimulated to get really excited. Find the things that bring you to this place; then bring your boyfriend to the bedroom. When you’re feeling ultra-turned on, you naturally have better sex.

Be creative – that goes for both you AND your partner. All the work isn’t just on your shoulders. That said if you really feel that your relationship has moved to a purely platonic level, you owe to yourself and your partner to move on. Sexual pleasure is important to every aspect of health and happiness – and you both deserve to have the very best for yourselves.

He Said:

It happens. Relationships ebb and they flow. So does attraction. The most important thing is that you’re still crazy about each other. Everything else can be worked out.

First thing is to identify anything going on in your life that could be getting in the way of the two of you getting it on like teenagers on Viagra. If you just started a business together and you have a kid(s), and you are having trouble making ends meet, etc it is not conducive to getting it on. Identify and eradicate as many of these things as you can, and make your peace with the rest. Obviously, you can’t eradicate your kids (unless you live in Texas), but you can hire a babysitter and get your butts to a hotel.

A Vacation Can Reboot Hot Sex

Personally, I highly recommend a vacation of any kind to reclaim the booty making magic. (Say that five times fast!) Avoid going anywhere you’ve been in the past. You don’t want to bring up old memories if they are bad or expectations if you went there and the sex was amazing. For my money, I highly recommend one of those “hedonistic, clothing optional” resorts. Nothing will help you shed your inhibitions like shedding your clothes and letting it all hang out in the sun.  (Remember the sun block!) These resorts are adults only, anything goes and no questions asked.

Vacation sex is always the best because you are literally away from all your problems. They are back home. You didn’t bring your job or your in laws with you, right? No, of course not.  You’ll be going at it like bunnies. And you’re welcome (just remember that no man is ever as potent or as virile as when he’s on vacation, so plan accordingly!)

Exercising Together Can Help You Have Better Sex

I also recommend working out, ideally together. Nothing makes you wanna get naked more than if you actually look great naked. Working out boosts endorphins, hormones, etc. You’ll be all hot and sweaty and that means you need to shower. You two look great from consistently doing yoga, crossfit, or whatever you choose (I highly recommend the first two), and then BAM! You’re going at it.  It’s that simple.

Above all, take the pressure off yourself. Sex shouldn’t feel like something you “have to do” but that you “get to do.” You should feel like a kid on Christmas (yes, I ruined another holiday for you.) To that end, I suggest, researching tantric sex (Steve P has an amazing White Tiger Tantra video series), getting couples tantric massages, or just getting regular (no happy ending) rub downs anywhere you can.

Be patient and soon you’ll be going at it!

Swinging: Pros & Cons Of An Open Marriage

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More and more people are “opening up” their marriages to other partners. Some people call themselves polyamorists, swingers, or just simply members of the Kennedy family. But is that right for you? What are the upsides and downsides to this arrangement? We’ll answer all your romantic queries in just a few short minutes.

What She Said:

Pros: lots of sex! Cons: lots of sex – with possible consequences. That’s the short story. To really pull this off, we’ll have to dig a little deeper.

Marriage is based on mutual respect and trust – how you want those to play out is strictly between you and your partner. Some couples can easily swim through the (sometimes murky) waters of an open marriage – others fair better agreeing on monogamy. To negotiate an open arrangement takes a lot of trust, communication, agreement and common ground. The plus side to an open marriage is that fact that there’s technically no infidelity. The minus is the possible jealousy and what that could do to your relationship long-term.

Frankly I’ve seen this attempted (though I haven’t tried it myself, so I have no firsthand knowledge), but I have yet to see it succeed. Though the open marriage story I’m familiar with started off successfully, it eventually dissolved into mistrust and ultimately divorce. Of course, that’s a cautionary tale and I’m sure there are people who can make it work.

I personally chose to get married because I want to grow with my husband. I’m excited about the path to intimacy and an ever-deepening commitment. We’re only human and, in an ideal world, it would surely be a blast to sleep with anyone and everyone who caught our fancy. However, in our situation, having sex outside our marriage would damage what we value most – the trust, safety and intimacy of our sexual and emotional bond. For couples that have been married longer, it might be feasible to sleep around and still maintain a commitment. Some find that keeping the sexual tension high is the key to keeping things interesting at home.

Ultimately it must be a mutual decision between the two of you as to whether you are going to remain monogamous or agree to “branch out.” Seriously mull over the consequences if you’re considering opening your marriage – and, if you reach a consensus, be safe and have fun!

What He Said:

Pros: Honesty. You’ll never have to worry about lying about your desires to be with other people or the fact that you have. You’ll never have to worry about infidelity, because you’ve already agreed to bang other people. As one wife I know says “It’s not cheating if we’re both doing her.” That’s a good woman, people.

Cons: Higher risk of STD’s, and the chance that a condom may break and you could unknowingly wind up carrying someone else’s baby instead of your man’s. I know many couples that have tried open relationships. And it’s always the man that brings it up. And always the woman who’s militantly opposed to it. As most women would be, until you discover that open relationships tend to favor women more than men. For example, it’s way easier for a married woman to walk into a bar, wearing her wedding ring and say “hey, I’m married. Let’s go screw.” Hell, she could probably walk into Starbucks at 8 AM on a Tuesday and find someone to bang.

For men, it’s more work. I know plenty of men who thought this open relationship was a great idea until he found his woman getting more ass than he was, and when he got pissed she threw the “this was your idea” line back in his face. Men are territorial and competitive and this may come into play.

Can swinging or having an open relationship strengthen your relationship? Yes, but most relationship aren’t strong enough to handle adding this dimension to them, and you won’t know if yours is strong enough until after you’ve tried it, and then it might be too late. So I don’t know if I would recommend allowing your partner to go off and do other people, now if you want to bring someone home for the two of you to share, that’s totally different. Sharing is caring, after all.

Strip Clubs & Porn – What Role Do They Play In A Relationship?

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Guys like their strip clubs and porn as much as they like their football and beer. But what role do they play in your relationship? Should you be angry? Should you be jealous? We’ll get to the bottom of this so you don’t have to.

What She Said:

We’ve talked a lot recently about marriage – is it dead, should you just shack up, should you have an open relationship? What do strip clubs and porn have to do with all this? Well, they are the great equalizer.

What’s that? What do titties, pole dancers and money shots have to do with love? Fidelity, sexual release, sexual fantasy and role-playing come to mind. Sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it? Whether you’re in a brand-new relationship or have been married for ten years, a healthy appetite for sex still remains at the top of the “Must Have” list for a happy partnership. The visual prompt of an evening at a strip club, or an evening in with a DVD from Sugar, can stimulate ideas for you and your partner. It doesn’t have to be an all-the-time thing, but throwing a little something in the mix can definitely spice things up.

To use a broad generalization, men are visual and women are emotional. “Allowing” your guy the option of blatantly ogling some strippers can be freeing – for both of you. Hell, what not get in on the act and go to a strip club together? You can see what kind of things turn your partner on – and emulate them at home. He’ll most assuredly find a way to return the favor! The best part? It’s a way for you to both safely indulge in play without repercussions. Believe me; that beautiful pole dancer isn’t a threat and she doesn’t want to go home with your man. She wants to finish her shift and get out of those painful shoes. There’s rarely any harm to “just looking.” The same goes with porn – and even less so, because you can only lick a T.V. screen for so long before realizing it doesn’t taste very good.

Please note: this isn’t to say your boyfriend/husband isn’t happy with you. You are beautiful and you are more than enough woman for your partner! This is more about shared fantasy and exploration – you get an equal say in what you’re comfortable with, as well as what is exciting! If you feel like you have to give into the strip club experience in order to keep your relationship, this isn’t for you. If you feel equally “naughty” and are having just as much fun – go to the bank, get a bunch of one-dollar bills and enjoy your night!

What He Said:

I actually don’t like strip clubs. There. I said it. I’m all for hot naked chicks, but to me, a stripper is just a really hot used car salesman. She doesn’t give a shit about you. She’s just looking to make the sale, and she’ll do anything to get that commission. Also, most strippers are really bad at their job: convincing the men in the joint that they’d actually like to do them. Really great customer service from strippers is as rare as calling a 1-800 number and getting a U.S. based customer service rep. That, and any strip club is locked down. I mean, seriously, they operate on DEFCON five. You look at one of those girls wrong and some large man will appear out of nowhere and beat the shit out of you. It’s very anal and restrictive in that way. And laws vary from state to state, so things may be a lot tamer than you’d think.

Still, it’s good for our female readers to go, mainly because they’ll never get jealous or upset about their man going again. You’ll be like “He gets turned on by this? This is way lamer than Chippedales! At least then I get to grab his cock!” Well, maybe not that far, but you get the idea.

And your man will love you if you go, because every guy wants to be the one who BRINGS a woman to the strip club. You go, you put down a dollar, you get molested by the stripper (she WILL take your top off, don’t know why, it’s just one of the laws of the universe), and you get a lap dance, and he’ll be harder than Chinese arithmetic. He will molest you when you get home if he makes it that far.

Porn is a tricky subject, because it’s written and shot, more for men than women. That’s changing. Damn feminists. Lol. If you find yourself a female made porn then you can find the plot, emotion and all that other crap that women care about and he can see hot chicks naked and going at it.

It can be a great way to spice up your relationship, especially if you’re monogamous. If you are, it’s going to get boring at some point, or you’re going to need to spice it up. That’s just a given. Porn and strip clubs are a tool. Like a hammer. You can build a house with one or bludgeon someone to death. It’s not the item that’s bad. It’s the person and the application that matter.

Should You Two Just Live Together?

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More and more couples today are “cohabitating” meaning they live together without the intention of ever getting married. Once thought of as “shaking up” and frowned up on, the practice is gaining more and more acceptance. But is it really right for you? If you give us five minutes of your time we will give you all the answers you’ll ever need.

What She Said:

What are the benefits of marriage when you can get the same thing by shacking up? On the one hand, it’s nice not having to worry about legalities when you live together. On the other hand, when you get hitched you can throw a party and get a lot of cool gifts! Stepping beyond the material, there is something to be said for standing up together and turning from “boyfriend and girlfriend” to “husband and wife.” (Or whatever lovely combination of partnership you’re in. Everyone deserves to get married, if they so desire!) Taking that step of saying “I do” in front of friends and family can be an incredibly moving moment, as well as the beginning of something deeper.

But what if you don’t want that little piece of paper to “bind” you? Living together is a fulfilling option. It’s great to share a home and a life with someone you love. The experiences will be similar to your married pals – with the convenience of a little mental freedom. You can walk out the door anytime you want to – but you’re choosing to stay!

On the other hand, being married does come with legal backup that can make a lot of things easier – insurance, home ownership, in the event of a medical emergency – you get the drift. Sounds sexy!

Seriously though – there are a lot of things that go hand in hand with getting married. I still hope and believe that people are committing to each other for one big reason – love. Getting hitched isn’t a guarantee, especially considering today’s divorce rates; but it can provide a certain peace of mind in a working partnership.

It really comes down to this – what does your heart tell you? What’s best for you and your partner? A ceremony is one thing – it’s how you treat each other that will matter in the end. There are so many ways to have a happy home – getting hitched is only one of them.

What He Said:

I really wish more people would handle relationships like I do. You’d say: “That was great! Money’s on the dresser! See you next time.” Kidding.

Seriously though, what’s the point of just living together? I don’t know. I mean, yes, you don’t have the “piece of paper” but if you live together long term, over seven years, you’re basically common law anyway. There’s really too much pressure put on people to be married, to have “successful” marriages, to not get divorced and the like, and if you’re a child of divorce, you’re more than likely to be extra sensitive to those pressures. Divorce is painful and messy and that’s just stupid. It should be as easy to get divorced as it is to get married. But it’s not and that can make you gun shy too.

Basically, this is a personal decision and you should make it like you make any other: on your own terms. You shouldn’t get any pressure from your parents, your partner or anyone. And if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Good luck. You’ll need it!

Is Marriage Dead?

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Gender roles are changing, times are tough and no one knows what it means. Nothing is changing more than the institution of marriage. But is it changing or is it just plain dead? How does this affect you and your matrimonial urges? Five minutes from now, we’ll have given you all the answers you need.

What She Said:

Well, as someone who just got married last week, I certainly hope not! I’d also hazard a guess that all the people (rightfully) fighting to legalize gay marriage are also hoping it’s alive and well. Either way, it still seems to be a commitment that’s very important to a lot of people. But how do you make a modern go of an antiquated notion? The idea that two people would enter into a lifelong contract only for the good of procreation seems incredibly absurd. And frankly, I believe it is.

A bond created between two lovers transcends moral constraints; and these days you definitely don’t need a marriage license for the kiddos. The buzzwords for wedded bliss are “unconditional love and friendship.” Getting married is a matter of choice versus necessity these days, so there’s a lot of leeway in making it how you want it. Though I personally have thrown religion out of the mix, there are a lot of questions you shouldcask yourself before making it a legal matter. Are you compatible in the areas of spirituality andcbelief in commitment? Do you want to share finances? Do you want to travel and, if so, do you travel well together? Does this person have your back, no matter what? How is the in-law situation?

Do you have compatible life goals? Are you going to choose to bring children into the mix? Do you agree on child rearing? Really, I can’t stress the basics enough – being each other’s best friend and sharing similar views on how you want to live your lives are absolutely essential to a happy union. I don’t believe marriage is dead; the concept has been around for thousands of years and will be around for a thousand more. What is dead is the old-fashioned notion that marriage can exist only between a man and a woman – and only so those people can have children. It shouldn’t matter what combination of couple stands before the altar – if you’re lucky enough to find true love in this lifetime, I say more power to you.

What He Said:

To quote Austin Powers, marriage “isn’t dead, it’s just very badly burned.” Our entire society has undergone a huge fundamental shift. Things will literally never, ever be the same. Men have lost, women have won, and as such they will be taking things over and running the show very, very soon. No one is sure what any of this mean, but though it’s not all bad, it damn sure ain’t all good, at least for men. Nowhere is this more true than when discussing marriage.

That being said, saying marriage is dead because of the shifts in our society is just as stupid as saying the music industry is dead because of the Internet and iTunes. It’s different, there are now a different set of winners and losers to the game, and the way it’s played is different, but you still can get your “I do” on if you so desire.

I will say that the concept of “unconditional love” between adults is absolute bullshit. It doesn’t exist. Sure, it exists between parent and child, but man and wife (or wife and wife or man and man) no. No way. Disagree with me? Go off and have sex with a bunch of people on your anniversary or blow off Valentine’s Day and see how your spouse likes it. See? There are conditions. You can negotiate them to be whatever you want, but there are terms and conditions. Marriage, at the end of the day is a contract. Pure and simple. You dictate the terms of the agreement and you either sign or you don’t. You can’t always get exactly what you want in it, but you should be happy with the deal you signed or you need to cut your losses and walk away.

This is a merger like any other, and it requires you to do just as much due diligence as humanly possible, even if you know the deal is a great one for both of you. You have to be on the same page as much as humanly possible and talk about everything up front. If you don’t it will become a potentially fatal mistake at some point down the road. A pound of prevention is worth a pound of cure in general, but especially in marriage.

Personally, I also recommend a good pre-nup. You plan on staying married to the partner of your dreams forever I know. I’m not saying you wont. To me, it’s like this:

You have a car right?

You have insurance on that car, right?

You don’t plan on getting in an accident, do you?

Then why do you have car insurance?

Because you know as well as I do, that sometimes they happen. And they can be messy, especially if you’re unprepared. You know what pre-nup does in a happy marriage? Collect dust. It’s like the fire extinguisher in the kitchen that you never use because there’s no fire, but there might be. That’s why you have it. You understand, don’t you?