Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for loveandsex

Lying Virgin – Do Hookers and Hand Jobs Count?

By

If you’re in a relationship, you’re likely to be with someone who has had at least one other partner before you. Sometimes you’re with someone who hasn’t, or sometimes they’ve had more than they can count on their fingers . . . and toes.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be difficult getting over the other women but not impossible.

Here’s how to come to terms with your partner’s past partners.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. When we were first together he said that he was a virgin. Since he was 20 I found this surprising but I trusted him. Only after I slept with him did he confess that he had been with someone when he was deployed in Korea (he’s in the army). He paid for it I think she was only a bartender not a regular hooker. She also did oral on him and he has received “hand jobs” and oral one other time. Now that I know all these I can’t get out of my head of him with other women and I am constantly worrying that I am not the best out of them. How do I get over the idea of my boyfriend being with a hooker of all people and the others? And to stop comparing myself?

– Laura, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sW9UpnwO3FU[/youtube]

Realize They’ve Had Other Partners

The first step in getting over the other women is coming to terms with the fact they’ve been with someone else, or many other someone elses. You’ve probably been with your share of someone else’s too. Is this a bad thing? Is this something that should become a big deal between you and your partner? Definitely not!

Having a sexual past is something that almost everyone has. Who cares about the numbers? Who’s keeping score? You should discuss this with your partner only if you’re discussing sexually transmitted diseases and whether or not you are both going to get tested, etc.

This is not a discussion that should be had “just to find out.” You’ll end up asking yourself a million other questions! How many were there? Were they better than me? You’re better off sticking to the realization that yes, your partner has had other partners. You have too.

Sex Is Not Love And Love Is Not Sex

It’s really very simple. Someone can have sex without love and love without sex. It’s that simple. Just because your partner has had sexual relationships with other people doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. A critical step into getting over the other women is realizing that he loves you. He is with you and he chooses to be – you’re not making him. Realize that what you share with him is in the here and now, and is something he wants to be involved in. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with you. He’d be with someone else.

Yes, They Were Different

Women who have trouble getting over the other women are often left asking themselves who was better or worse. There’s a simple solution to this issue, although it’s never easy to swallow. Stop thinking about how you rank and realize that a sexual relationship is always different from person to person and that’s all! It’s simply just . . . different.

Building Trust

If your partner has ever lied to you about who he has been with, you may have another issue on your hands. Trust is essential in a relationship and if this is an issue you’re dealing with, it’s important that you build and grow your foundation of trust before you tackle anything else. Even if your partner hasn’t lied to you, you need to trust that he is with you. Trust that your partner won’t go running off to be with someone else just because he’s been with others before you.

There is more to your relationship than just sex, and there’s more to your relationship than just love. It’s an entirely dynamic and multi-faceted relationship that runs on many different levels.

So relax! Enjoy being with your partner and being in the here and now instead of focusing on the past – you or your partner’s past. You’ll both be much happier that way!

Peeping Tom – How Do I Turn My Fantasy Into Reality?

By

Voyeurism. Watching. Peeping.

It’s not all bad…

Many people find themselves in the situation where they’re watching someone having sex, and they’re a little surprised to find out they enjoy it.

Everyone has a little bit of voyeurism in them, but what happens if you want to take it to the next level? What is okay and what isn’t?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Living next door is a beautiful girl my age. We are both 18. We have been friends and have flirted and done other fun things. My bedroom looks over at hers. I have sometimes seen her undressing and doing other sexy things. The other night I saw another guy in her room. They were making out. The shades were left open. To be honest I would like to see her doing it. I would like to watch them have sex. What suggestions would you give for me watching them without being caught? Could she want me to see her having sex? I want to do it with her, if I see them doing it. Should I tell her? What would I say? How do I say that I would like to be with her?

-Roger, PA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PskSciaycLg[/youtube]

Do they know I’m watching?

Most of the time, someone who wants to be watched or doesn’t care will leave their window curtains or blinds up. Chances are, this is what happened if you’re able to get a good view of your neighbor or someone else while they’re undressing or having sex. It’s actually very unlikely that they don’t know you’re watching.

Does that make it right? It depends. If you’re having to do a lot of maneuvering, such as using binoculars or there just happens to be this one spot in the blinds that allows you to get a view, it’s probable that your object of affection doesn’t want to be watched. You might want to back off, because this could get you in a fair amount of trouble.

If they’re leaving their blinds wide open and you can see them while eating your dinner, you can be pretty sure they’re doing it intentionally.

Is it okay to watch them?

If you’ve been watching someone, such as an attractive neighbor or friend, undress and possibly even have sex with another person, you’ll likely find yourself quite turned on. This is normal. We all like to watch someone have sex in some form or another. Why do you think pornography is such a successful industry? If you find that you’re interested in taking your peeping to the next level, you’re not the only one.

How can I approach them?

This can be tricky. You don’t want to start out the conversation by saying, “So . . . I’ve been watching you.” That can lead to some pretty uncomfortable situations. Just approach them the same way you would approach anyone with whom you are interested in starting a relationship. Ask them out on a date, or have coffee with them. If you really want to take it to the next level, get yourself on neutral ground with them so you can get to know them outside of their bedroom.

Can’t I just keep peeping?

If you’re intimidated by asking them out, you might be inclined to just continue to watch them from afar. This can develop into unhealthy obsessions, so this is not something you want to do.

Take a break from the peeping and find a real partner to hang out with, even if it’s not the person you’ve been watching. You’ll find that spending time with a real, live, breathing person is far better than watching someone through a window. If you find yourself unable to let go and you continue to peep, you may want to seek help.

All in all, watching your neighbor or someone else undress or have sex can be enticing and fun if they’re leaving their blinds wide open enough for you to see it. It’s perfectly fine to show normal interest in them and even ask them out on a date and spend time with them in the real world. Don’t make peeping a habit though. It can turn into an ugly habit that you can’t break away from.

How Do I Tell My Best Friend I Want to Be More Than Friends?

By

If you find that you’re interested in asking out your best friend, you’re not the first person to have ever experienced this.

Nonetheless, it can still be frustrating and intimidating to want to ask out your best friend and not know how or where to start.

Before you go gung-ho and start wooing your friend with wine and dinner, there are a few things you need to ask yourself first.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I like my best friend (there’s trouble there already) and I want to ask her out but I don’t know how. Many other guys like her too.

How do I make my self seem like the one she should go out with?  And how would I do that?

But please hurry! Were going to the movies tomorrow and I’m thinking of asking her out tomorrow.

– Kevin, Texas

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpsRUQJeZdk[/youtube]

Is there true chemistry there that goes above and beyond a friendship?

When you’re best friends with someone, there is a lot of chemistry there already. You both get along together great and you enjoy each other’s company. Basically, you can do anything and everything together. However, if you’re thinking about asking out your best friend, you need to really figure out if there’s more than just friendship there.

Do you feel a chemistry between you and your friend that goes above and beyond the friendship? Do you feel a sexual chemistry? If not, then you are probably better off staying friends. If you do, however, feel that there is something more between you and your friend, you have yet another question to ask yourself. Do you feel like your friend may return your feelings? This may not be something you get the answer to right away, but it’s important to consider before you ask them out.

Do you want to take the initiative and possibly get rejected?

Another thing to take into consideration is the fact that you might end up getting rejected and you might end up losing a friend too. If you suspect that this might be something that happens, consider leaving the friendship where it is at. If you simply can’t live with not telling your friend how you really feel, you need to realize that this may be something that changes the relationship forever, or possibly ends it. Make certain this is something you’re willing to risk before you take the plunge!

Avoid Getting Stuck In The Friend Zone

It generally is never a good idea to become friends with a person with the intent of becoming more than friends. Rarely does this work! Usually, you just get stuck in the friend zone. You end up being a great friend, one who they can share intimate talks with and confide in but realistically, you’re on the same level as their gay friends – someone who they care about deeply but would never consider a romantic relationship an option. If you like someone, be upfront and honest with them about your intentions rather than trying to sneak in the back door.

Telling Your Friend How You Feel

Okay, you’ve decided this is something you want to do and you’re willing to take the risk. Take your friend aside to somewhere you’re alone together and make sure there is plenty of time to tell them how you feel. Avoid cliché’s such as, “I’ve felt this way about you forever” or “I’ve always been in love with you.” These will most likely do little more than overwhelm and possibly frighten your friend!

Take it slow and be casual about it. Let them know that you’re interested in being more than friends and you’d like to spend more time together in a romantic way to see where it leads – and then leave it at that! Hopefully, a relaxed attitude will get you what you’re looking for and you never know – they could feel the same about you!

New Swinger Concern – What If We Can’t Agree?

By

If you’re new to the swinging game, picking a partner that satisfies you and your husband or wife can seem kind of intimidating.

You’re not alone! You’re right to be a little nervous about picking a swinging partner, especially if it’s your first time.

You need to pick a swinging partner that you are both comfortable with and attracted to, or trouble can brew. If you and your partner can’t agree on who to swing with, should you compromise?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I want to get into swinging. We’ve been talking about it for a little over 2 years now. She was the one who approached me with the idea. We have joined a swing site but the problem is that my wife doesn’t like my taste in woman.

I’m not into super thin women I like a woman with a little belly but not huge. Let me say this before judging me on this not that you would. My wife is not small but not huge either, I love her dearly, but she always wants me to pick a woman that is larger then her or the same size. But when she picks the man she wants I never question her on it. Its just sex I’m not looking to replace her.

Am I wrong for wanting a woman that I’m more physically attracted with?

– Aaron, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9tChV4sXEE[/youtube]

Her fears.

If you find a swinging partner that you’re attracted to, but your partner vetoes your decision, it might frustrate you especially if it happens more than once. If this is something that you’re dealing with, take heart.

Many women are afraid of their husbands picking a swinging partner that is more attractive than them, and they might even be afraid that you’ll like the swinging partner more than her.

These are completely normal fears and although they generally stem from deeper self esteem issues, your wife is not the first woman who has felt this way about swinging. Even women who are into swinging can have these doubts, so it’s important that if your partner is feeling this way that you cut her some slack.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

Is she really okay with swinging?

If your partner repeatedly vetoes your swinging partner suggestions, there may be something more to the equation than what meets the eye. It might be a subconscious signal that she really doesn’t want to start swinging. If this is something you suspect, it’s important that you have a discussion with her about swinging before actually doing the deed.

As with any time swinging comes up, it’s essential that you talk to each other and talk some more. Talk before and after you swing, and even during if you need to!  Open lines of communication are a must when it comes to swinging.

Talk to your partner and find out if she really is okay with swinging. Don’t be judgmental. If she was into swinging before and has decided that perhaps she’d like to wait or if she isn’t interested anymore, that’s okay. Don’t criticize her for it, because she has the right to change her mind about how she feels about swinging at any time.  So do you!

Making her comfortable.

If your partner just seems uncomfortable with your choices in swinging partners, let her choose a partner. It may not be someone you’re really attracted to at first, but if she is, that’s an important first step. Letting your partner choose who you swing with the first few times can go a long way into getting her warmed up to the swinging idea. Perhaps you and your partner can work out an agreement about who gets to choose the partner and when.

Since many women are afraid of their husbands finding more pleasure in the swinging partner than them, you can build trust with her by proving to her that you’re not out to do that. Once the trust has been established, she will more than likely become more comfortable with your choices in swinging partners. Just remember communication is the key to making swinging work! Talk to each other endlessly and make sure that every avenue has been discussed in full before taking the plunge.

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

By

You’re in a relationship and suddenly, before you even know what is happening, it’s over.

You mourn the loss of your relationship and your partner and you wonder where you went wrong.

If you’re lucky, you’ll figure it out, because some people never do. If you’re able to understand what happened to cause the relationship to end, will you be able to get your ex back?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi! I discovered your videos on YouTube, and figured you could help me out. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was going great for the first 12 mos. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I was devastated.  She said things had gotten boring and that the past few months she didn’t really feel like a couple. She said she still wanted to be friends and needed time to think. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I’m getting worried that she’s forgotten about me and never wants to see me again. I’ve realized where I went wrong.  I just want to know if my ex-girlfriend will ever come back to me and if it’s possible how I can get my ex-girlfriend back. Can you help me!

– Matt, Cumbria, England

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnE7-O5GVys[/youtube]

Realizing the mistakes.

It takes many people a long time to realize their relationship mistakes and even then, the realizations are sometimes biased or one sided. Some people never understand why their relationships end, and this can be frustrating!

You may find yourself in a situation where a relationship has ended and you’re wondering what happened. Take time to really sort out what happened between you and your ex, and what role both of you played in the ending of the relationship. A relationship’s untimely demise is seldom the result of just one person’s actions.

Take a look at what your ex contributed to the relationship’s end, but beware of placing blame all on them. You also need to examine what you contributed to the relationship’s end. If you are able to get to a point where you can truly admit the part you played in what broke you and your ex up, consider yourself better off for it!

Learning from your mistakes.

You’ll never get anywhere if you realize your mistakes but never learn from them. If you’ve figured out what you’ve done that wasn’t right, or that helped bring your relationship to a close, make sure it’s not something that you continue to do in other relationships.

If you and your ex get back together, make certain it’s not something you continue to do in that relationship! You’d be surprised at how many people end up repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It’s important that you use your mistakes as an opportunity to grow and learn.

No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. Part of being in relationships is making mistakes, learning from them, and stopping the behavior in its tracks.

Moving on.

You may be tempted to try to get your ex back, and it’s certainly worth a good try. It’s never certain if you’ll be able to mend what was broken, but you’ll never know unless you give it a shot. Try to contact your ex and let them know that you’ve come to a point where you understand how you contributed to the end of the relationship. Find out if they’ll talk to you and if they’ll accept your resolve to make things different the second time around.

This doesn’t always work, however, and sometimes your partner may not want to pick up where you left off. That’s okay. It may be frustrating and even hurtful, but if your ex doesn’t want to resume the relationship, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Take this time to cherish what time you and your ex had together and then put it to bed. Learn from your mistakes and take the opportunity to turn something that didn’t happen the way you wanted into something good. Make the next relationship even better! It’s all about growing and learning, and moving on if you have to. Just make sure you’re not repeating the same mistakes over and over again.