Marriage – Page 5

Are You Ready To Be Monogamous?

You have met the kind of girl with whom you could settle…but does that mean you are actually ready to settle down? We all assume that when the perfect person comes along, you will know it, you will feel it, and you will be ready to commit. However, sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes, being single is just way too much fun to quit. So how do you know if you are ready to be part of a pair?

You Want To Be Around Her All The Time

This is quickest, easiest way to tell you want to commit to someone. You have been dating for a couple weeks (or months), yet you cannot get enough of this person. You miss her as soon as she walks inside her house. You wish you could wake up beside her every morning. However, remember that the initial rush of a very fresh relationship produces this same craving, so take heed.

You Are Okay Not Canoodling With Strangers Anymore

Your friend keeps trying to get you to go to the bar with him, like usual. But you’re just not feeling it. You don’t want to spend your energy picking up random chicks, when you know of an amazing one already. You don’t even want to fool around with anyone else, lest it upsets her or makes her think you are less than serious.

You Want To Introduce Her To Your Family

While friends are treated as gatekeepers, your family is more like the guarded treasure. You may decide not to introduce them to any casual flings as a way to protect them (or to protect her from them!). Maybe you don’t want them to get attached to someone you have no future with, or maybe you just don’t want to merge those two areas of your life. However, once you begin feeling like that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, you are getting closer to the idea of being monogamous.

You Want To Tell Her All About Your Life

There are few things in this world that are better than those early moments of a relationship when you stay up all night, telling tales to each other. You tell her embarrassing stories of your youth, endearing stories of your teenage years, and horror stories of, well, last year. You begin to open up and talk about your hopes and fears and goals. You don’t do this with every girl that comes along. You save it for someone you know will support you and will not laugh (well, except when appropriate).

And for the most important sign…

You know a good thing when you see it and you don’t want anyone to steal her from you.

No, that’s not it, although a healthy sense of appreciation to keep you on your toes is always good.

You can see a future with her.

It doesn’t have to be marriage on your mind. But if there is something there, something to make you think you two will be happy together for a long time…that is the only sign you really need.

The Marriage Ref Almost Nails It

By drbonnieeakerweil

I recently watched The Marriage Ref which premiered earlier this month. According to Wikipedia.com, the premise of the show involves real life couples who have been having an on-going fight for a long time. A video clip is shown to the three-member celebrity panel, showing both sides of the argument. The panel then discuss the merits of each side of the argument and vote on who they think is right.

While this show is one of the funniest I’ve seen in a long time and aims to do the right thing – give both sides a voice and listen to each argument – it doesn’t necessarily translate into creating change or fostering the proper habits for the couple. It starts to play off of what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” but they were not able to define and enact these skills. The Smart Heart Skills were validated but undone by the actors doing cheerleading into each other being right and wrong. Smart heart skills are not about being right and wrong as opposed to “walking in the others shoes” and making the person feel safe.

How To Use Smart Heart Diologue

When I instruct couples to use Smart Heart Dialogue, it’s as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate. It can be used for smaller, more inconsequential arguments as well as larger conflicts, even when faced with infidelity.

Utilizing this type of dialogue is important in learning to fight fair as a couple. Fighting and disagreeing are not bad things, in themselves. Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.

How Smart Heart Diologue Will Help Your Relationship

This type of discussion can open up the doors to putting the emotionality of a certain topic aside – whether it be finances, life decisions, career changes, fidelity, or a host of other things – and allow the couple to be honest with each other in a safe, loving space. Of course, this doesn’t mean that each person has a right to be angry and hurtful – quite the opposite. This exercise is designed to take the heated emotion out of a discussion so that the couple can share their feelings without a threat of emotion or anger getting thrown in the mix.

These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

Q&A: What You Should Know Before Getting Married

By loveandsex

Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success?

Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD8hNfX0bpQ[/youtube]

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.

Pre-Wedding Jitters Vs. Second Thoughts

By pamelasmalewilliams

The ring has been chosen and placed on the bride-to-be’s left hand, a symbolic representation of the circle of love that will follow and is accompanied later by the glorious wedding band that tells us she is dedicated to her husband. Showers, parties, wedding plans and in law problems start to arise. Schedule conflicts, budget concerns, honeymoon dilemmas, housekeeping questions…. these seem small in comparison to the ultimate major conundrum, “do I know what I’m getting into”? Either bride OR groom may be asking themselves this very question and then wondering if it’s even OK to be wondering about the question

What Are Pre-Wedding Jitters?

For a working definition I define “jitters” as being the normal questions one has about the immediate and long-term changes in the indivual’s lifestyle that go along with the act of becoming a partnership or committed couple.

Normal questions may include:

Is this what I want for myself in my way of interacting with the world in ways that must include my spouse to be?
Is this person capable of meeting my needs and desires on a basic and reliable condition or duration?
Can I hold up my end of being available to my future mate’s desires and needs and be prepared to maintain the behaviors involving that with a consistency that will honor and satisfy the other person?

What Types Of Feelings Come With Pre-Wedding Jitters?

“Jitters” generally apply to feelings of anxiety or nervousness. If it’s more a sense of “dread” or “terror” you have exceeded the intensity of this merely being ‘pre-change commitments’. Find out what it is that specifically has you “over the top with your fears” and address it immediately. Seek help from experts and not family members or friends—they can’t be objective in this situation no matter how hard they may try or offer to be. If you do get their advice at least weigh it against another qualified and objective source!

What Are Examples Of Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Illustrated in previous question and often demonstrated by typical signs of anxiety…pre-occupation on the topic of concern, physiological changes such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and “feeling on edge”. You may find yourself having difficulty concentrating, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and possibly even shorter temper as you are interrupted from your normal course of routine—which is often already changing due to the social events and obligations that go along with Today’s matrimonial demands. Anxiety without a clear focus and no specific behaviors you object to or traits that you worry about-this would indicate just a generalized fear in the whole idea of being married.

What Should You Do If You Have Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Practice relaxation techniques…deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or exercise. Talk to your partner and ask if he/she is having any of the same concerns. Seek reassurance from that person. If your jitters decrease as you “vent” about it, you will likely have less cause for the continued reaction. Allow for some nervousness as being a normal adaptation to change. TALK it out or use a piece of paper and write about it, just get it out! These are usually feelings that can be purged and decreased with openness and time.
What are some signs or signals that a bride/groom is having second thoughts about getting married?

Second thoughts – we’ll define here as actual true doubts that are bothersome enough to illicit the individual to actually question their fiancé’s traits, lifestyle, behaviors, and have a high level of concern about specific areas of the relationship. As compared with “jitters” where an individual is simply wondering if the idea of marriage is right for them and if this is a good choice they have made in selecting a mate.
With this as our working definition, I offer the following:

What Should The Bride/Groom Do If He/She Is Having Second Thoughts?

Second thoughts, in this perspective, need to have actual answers. Professional advice may be warranted. Marital or pre-marital therapy could help in an assessment of the state of the relationship and how it is meeting the needs of BOTH the bride and groom.
Asking one’s best friend is often harmful and benign at best…a friend that has known only one of the partners is going to have a subjective viewpoint and can’t be impartial. It may also damage future relationship between the friend and the other spouse-to-be in the future since this could create the opposite an otherwise positive support system for the couple.

Should The Bride/Groom Who Is Having Second Thoughts Share His/Her Feelings With Their Future Spouse?

Absolutely! If there are behaviors or attitudes that the fiancee in doubt is having, the only way to find out if this is “open to change” is to discuss it with the partner.
Ask for what you want if you truly plan on getting it, or even part of it. If you don’t ask, you expect mind reading and mere luck for it to work out! If changes are amenable on both sides, ask for a PLAN on how to change it and don’t accept “I’ll try to do better”… this can be passing off the request at best and ignoring it to disguise the fact that the partner really has no intention to change OR that they might not know HOW to change.

Measure the success of changes with a definite measuring stick…be certain you are clear what you need and know how and when you will be expecting to see change. If this part is missing, you may be waiting for efforts a long time or you could even miss the efforts that might be taking place on the other’s part.

For example, if it important to you that your fiancé change the amount of available time for you vs. how much time is spent in doing other activities—albeit work or time spent with buddies/girlfriends, or other events and dedications. Be clear that you have a need to have more quality time together and that this seems to be missing in the relationship. Define how much time you need, what your expectations are for change, and create a target for expected or wished for availability to you. You may have to compromise and agree to a smaller amount of time but look for at least SOME increased time with you…discuss this. Is it a trait or simply a situational circumstance?

Will you be seeing the change anyway due to a change in a particular outside force—or are you looking largely at a personality trait—perhaps avoidance or lack of commitment to the need you are expressing. If you discover that it seems more a trait than a short-term circumstance, ask yourself if this is something you are willing to live with if it doesn’t EVER change. If the answer is NO, you have good concern to seek help or consider that the person you are engaged to is not likely to be able to meet your desired wants or needs. THEN you have a decision to make…are you giving up a part of yourself to be with this person? A good resource for reading on this topic is “Do I have to Give Up Me to be Loved by You” by Drs. Jordan and Margaret Paul, 1989 in paperback.

Marriage Essentials – The Top 3 Non-Negotiables For Lasting Nuptials

By maryannecomaroto

Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot.

Celebrities are notorious for quickie marriages, and it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? It’s not like love has a shelf life.

Can A Quickie Marriage Be Successful?

What I do know about celebrities is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. I am not convinced that celebrities understand the game they are in, that is, when it comes to relationships. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.

While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.

So I would say to anyone considering a quickie marriage, go for it! IF you have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:

-Their top three non-negotiables.
-If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
-A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
-If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
-They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
-They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
-Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
-Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
-Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
-Understand and are in alignment about money.
-They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
-Know what each other values most in life.
-Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
-Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.

Off To A Good Start

This, I believe, would afford anyone a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.

In our 20’s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach us soon enough. The good news is, if you really want a healthy relationship, you are in a position to develop these skills, provided you have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!