Marriage – Page 6

A Big Mistake Newlyweds Make

“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.” – Bert Hellinger

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.” As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!” It caught him off guard as he did a double take. But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy. I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually! He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!” His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!” It’s what kids do with their mothers. She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here. This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old. Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied. It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another. That legal bond is deeply affecting. When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen. One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other. No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son. So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment. This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower. I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow. Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic. It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt. The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit. Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside. It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark. It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it. Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there. You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish. I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother. That will be a fine day indeed! Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore. By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!

The Good Wife

By drbonnieeakerweil

A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Sexless Marriage? Here’s What To Do

By melody

Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as “sexless“. I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt’s The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50’s. But of course, none of them have read her book!

Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I’ve seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of “diaries” she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.

Sexless Marriages – Are They Inevitable?

The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men’s part. Women yell and scream that sex is a “want” and not a “need” and why should they “give in”? Obviously some things are amiss here!

Women, too, want sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband’s would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.

Staying Connected Is The Key

Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don’t believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other’s needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy.

Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.

You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don’t?

Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don’t be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn’t. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.

How To Make Anniversaries Special Without Breaking The Bank

By sarahelizabethmalinak

First of all, in honor of a dear friend who has celebrated every single month’s anniversary of his now eleven-month-old relationship that is still going strong; let’s preface this article by saying an anniversary between couples can happen any time, any where, and for any reason. You also don’t have to be married to make the most of the following information!

Using Your Imagination

One thing you do need is to be in agreement that you both want to use your imaginations to create meaningful celebrations that cost less. One or more of these (especially the last one) may fly as special anniversary recognition without drawing attention to how little it costs. But speaking it out loud that you are committed to the celebration and that the low cost frees you both up to enjoy it fully, means he or she will not interpret the low cost as being a reflection of the value of your feelings.

Of course, picnics are always a possibility for a low cost date that can result in special enough memories that you save it for special occasions, like anniversaries. With a little imagination, a picnic can happen indoors when it’s cold outside. The main ingredients are favorite foods, beverages, a blanket for the ground or floor, candles if it’s dark, and enthusiasm.

Speaking of indoor picnics, renting a movie and making a movie night special with popcorn, lights turned low, phones off, no social media or texting, and no flipping through catalogues while being together and watching the film works as a special way to celebrate an anniversary.

A romantic, spontaneous celebration can be dancing in the middle of the kitchen or any other room in the house.

Making Love Can Play An Important Part In Creating Lasting Memories

There are ways to celebrate the anniversary that are directly tied to making love. I once heard the advice that the best money spent on a marriage was that spent on lingerie and pajamas! Buying special things to wear that will titillate and inspire can be generous expressions of love. Note that the suggestion is you buy it for yourself! Rather than purchase it as a gift for your partner, as if to suggest what you want from him or her; you buy it for yourself to wear as a suggestion of what you want to give to him or her.

Now, sex toys are probably best given from women to men. Because of the expectation attached to sex toys and because the sight of one isn’t necessarily going to turn a woman on; if she is the one giving the toy, then she is communicating her interest and desire at a time when she is desirous. This can be very good news for his level of interest in celebrating anniversaries!

One time, out of the blue, my husband gave me the gift of “being my slave” for the day. It was great! I made use of it in ways he never would have expected. For instance, we were out of town at the time, getting ready to come back home. He is always ready to pack up the car before I finish packing everything. It drives me crazy! I prefer we not take a single item to the car until it is all packed just the way I like it. So, my first order as his “master” was that he wait until I had finished packing to begin loading the car. I was so relaxed and happy once we got on the road! It was delightful.

Some Great Ideas…

Astronomical dates can be a cozy and entertaining way to celebrate an anniversary when something special in the sky coincides with your special day. Cuddling under a blanket in the back of the truck watching stars fall is simply romantic. The fact that you took the time to notice the correlation of night time sky stuff happening and your special day makes you a very thoughtful person.

In some cultures, lunar and solar eclipses are considered bad luck, meaning you do not want to be outside during eclipses. Depending on your partner, this may require some conversation so that you are in sync on making astronomical phenomenon part of a special day.

This last one is my favorite and the reason I wrote this article. It is called the Year in Love Review Letter. I believe that it could also be used within a year’s time. Like, for my friend that I mentioned above, it could be the Eleven Months in Love Review Letter! Basically, the letter recalls all the loving, funny, happy, mysterious, things that you remember happening between you in the previous year (or months).

You can design this letter to fit your personality. It could be a simple list of things that create endearing conversation as your lover reads it and you both respond to the things on the list. If you like to write, you can spell it all out like journal entries. If you want to be really creative, you can set it up like a novel; or, turn it into a scrap book with physical remembrances (like movie stubs) attached. It can be as elaborate or as simple as you want it to be. The magic of it is how it is totally devoted to celebrating your love!

The Year in Love Review Letter could be one that returns every year, even when your finances are abundant and there are no limits on the expenses you go to in order to express your love and appreciation of one another.

Anniversaries are times for fanning the flames of love! There are many ways of creatively bringing meaning to those special days that will not break the bank! The more creative you are, the more meaning you will create for yourself. So, enjoy!

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?

By loveandsex

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?
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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

If you and your partner are in a sexless marriage, you might be thinking about trying to make it work. After all, it’s for better or worse, right?

If you and your partner have come to a decision to really try and figure out what is going on in your relationship, you’re taking a step in the right direction. You need to really figure out why the marriage is sexless.

Consider All The Options

Are you and your partner no longer physically compatible? Do you receive less pleasure from sex now than you did at another time?

If you and your partner believe this might be the case, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you to look at your physical issues and find ways to use different tools to increase your sex drives and your pleasure in the bedroom.

A sexless marriage could also be attributed to emotional distance. If you and your partner don’t feel very close to each other emotionally, you’re definitely not going to feel the need to be close to each other physically. Spend more time together alone. Get a babysitter, or go out and do things you both love. Get back to where you were emotionally when you were first together, when you were really just enjoying each other’s company.

Get to know each other again! You might consider visiting a traditional therapist. They can help you and your partner to get back on track emotionally by stripping away the every day stuff that can get in the way of a marriage and help you to discover how you really feel about your partner. Once you and your partner begin moving closer together emotionally, your sex life will follow.