Love & Relationships

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

Keep your journal as objective and neutral as humanly possible. Note the time something unusual, strange or suspicious occurs, if you’ve noticed it before, and what it consists of.

For example, saying: “Today (insert date) they came home 2 hours later than usual from work, it’s happened once before and they offered no reason or explanation for their lateness” is much better and more useful in the long run than: “They came home late again! They had no reason to be late at all. It must mean something.”

So, be specific, neutral, accurate and non-judgmental. A time will come when you’ll make a decision on whether or not you can trust them and it’ll be then when an emotional response will be completely warranted and understandable. Until then, record what happens like a robot. I’ll help unravel the mystery and reveal what the hell is or isn’t going on.

Keep Your Journal Hidden

Finally, keep your journal/record hidden away somewhere where it won’t be stumbled upon by your partner. If they ARE cheating and find your diary, it could easily make them more secretive and more careful not to give out noticeable signs of their infidelity in the future, thus making your job of uncovering the truth more difficult.

If they find it and are NOT cheating, they could feel insulted or hurt that you don’t fully trust them. That’s an issue that, if appropriate, can be brought up by you after you’ve completed your little ‘investigation’. For now, secretiveness is quite possibly one of your greatest allies in discovering whether or not your partner’s having an affair.

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

By chickinheels

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more. Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences. I believe the latter is much easier said than done. Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained. Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted? Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you? There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship. The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating. No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can. There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest. Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship. The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better. If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well. The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return. Enjoying one another is vital. Attempting to change a person is not a viable option. Connection is key. Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you. Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?

By loveandsex

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UDndh8LucE[/youtube]

Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

If you and your partner are in a sexless marriage, you might be thinking about trying to make it work. After all, it’s for better or worse, right?

If you and your partner have come to a decision to really try and figure out what is going on in your relationship, you’re taking a step in the right direction. You need to really figure out why the marriage is sexless.

Consider All The Options

Are you and your partner no longer physically compatible? Do you receive less pleasure from sex now than you did at another time?

If you and your partner believe this might be the case, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you to look at your physical issues and find ways to use different tools to increase your sex drives and your pleasure in the bedroom.

A sexless marriage could also be attributed to emotional distance. If you and your partner don’t feel very close to each other emotionally, you’re definitely not going to feel the need to be close to each other physically. Spend more time together alone. Get a babysitter, or go out and do things you both love. Get back to where you were emotionally when you were first together, when you were really just enjoying each other’s company.

Get to know each other again! You might consider visiting a traditional therapist. They can help you and your partner to get back on track emotionally by stripping away the every day stuff that can get in the way of a marriage and help you to discover how you really feel about your partner. Once you and your partner begin moving closer together emotionally, your sex life will follow.

Do You Now This Surefire Way To Catch A Liar Without Looking Suspicious Youself?

By simoncruise

Like most people, I’m sure you hate being lied to. In short, other people’s lies make our lives more difficult to live.

The problem most people who think they’ve been lied to face, apart from finding out the truth, is confronting the person that’s been conning them. It’s a really tricky social situation – what if, by some chance, they weren’t lying?

Or what if they were lying but won’t admit it and instead just choose to blindly deny being deceptive? Dozens of questions and uncertainties make tackling a liar and untangling theirs lies a difficult task for anyone to face. But there ARE things you can do to help you succeed.

We’re going to look at just one technique of many that you can use to first discreetly acquire additional, hard proof of someone’s untruthfulness, and then use to confidently confront them safe in the knowledge that they cannot possibly deny what they’ve done…your evidence is simply too strong and damning. It’s called…

False Fact Contribution

This discreet detection technique is a favorite of many skilled natural lie detectors, purely because of its high level of effectiveness and reliability. In involves the adding of a fictional fact of your own that relates to their suspected lie, expressed as the truth, to evoke a telling response from them that you can use as a measure of their reliability.

Here’s an example. Your partner has supposedly been to the movies with a friend, but you have a sneaking suspicion that they may not be telling you the truth. When they return home you casually say hi in a non-threatening, relaxed way.

Once you have eye contact with them, you mention hearing on the radio that there was a massive road traffic accident outside of the movie theater and ask if it caused them any trouble when they had to leave. Now, if your partner IS lying, they are in a might tricky situation.

Do they go along with what you’ve said, assuming it to be true, and say that they saw the accident scene and got out fine, or do they risk saying they saw nothing? The key to using the false fact contribution technique lies in making the fact you use something they cannot have possibly missed (if it were true).

What You’ll Get

This means you’ll get a usable, telling response from them. Either they’ll make a reference to it and therefore expose their dishonesty. Or, having actually gone to the movies, they’ll say, truthfully, that they saw nothing. In this scenario, you quite casually brush the whole thing, and say you must have misheard the road name on the radio or something along those lines.

Remember, take note of how your partner, or whoever you’re using this technique on, reacts when you contribute the false fact. Watch for changes in their body language, a lessening of eye contact and any attempts they make to quickly change or ignore the subject you’ve raised. Looking for these signs give you the best chance of acquiring what you deserve: the truth.

I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

By loveandsex

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tisCh2DYOi8[/youtube]

Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, “Fine, leave,” however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From?

Acting out in this way when you’re having an argument with your significant other really is a primal instinct. It comes out of fear, desperation and frustration. You’re desperate to gain control over the situation and you’re upset and frustrated that you’re even getting to this point in the first place.

You want something you say to make an impact, and in the heat of the moment, the phrase, “I’m leaving” may be the only one that seems it will make a difference. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re The Partner

If you’re the partner of someone who is threatening to leave, realize where this is coming from. Your partner is just hurt, frustrated and desperate. They’re probably not planning to leave nor did they even think about doing so before the argument happened.

It’s difficult not to react strongly to something like this, but if you stop for a moment and realize why your partner is actually acting this way, it might make it easier for you to understand that your partner probably doesn’t really mean anything by it.

Even though you might be angry at this point, it’s important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship because you want to be, and you don’t want to see it end anytime soon. It’s important at this point that your partner knows you would care should the relationship end!

Expressing this to your partner can bring them down a notch from where they are in their frustration and probably help the argument to stop escalating. Then you can really sit down and discuss what is upsetting you and what the problem is, and begin working towards a solid solution.