Janie, a bachelorette, travels constantly on business. After a long day of intense sales calls, she retires to her room where she eats alone, checks e-mail, and prepares for the next day’s work.
By the end of the evening, she’s too edgy to sleep and a little lonely. She could saunter down to the lobby bar, but the thought of picking up a stranger has little appeal in today’s world of dangerous STDs.
She could call one of the men she dates from time to time, but doesn’t want to come across as needy. She could watch a pay-for-view movie ADULT movie, but doesn’t want to explain that charge to her employer.
Faced with those alternatives, she often ends the day snuggled up in bed with her laptop. She reads an erotic e-book by a favorite author. With one hand on the keyboard and the other under the covers, she gives herself some well-deserved “personal time.”
Afterwards, she sleeps like a baby.
Nathan and Bri have a great sex life, and Nathan’s as crazy in love with his wife as the day they married three years ago. Even so, he has fantasies of a threesome involving Bri, him, and another woman. In his favorite fantasy, Bri and the other woman begin kissing while he watches.
One thing leads to another and soon the women are naked on the floor, making love. After they’ve driven each other over the edge, the two women turn their attention to him.
So far, Nathan has refrained from sharing his fantasy with Bri, because he knows she’s strictly a one-man woman.
But once a week, when she’s out with her friends, he indulges himself with a box of Kleenex, a favorite lubricant, and a visit to a website featuring erotic stories about threesomes. He prefers the slow build-up and exotic settings offered by the stories to video porn’s bright lights, close-up shots, and predictability.
In the back of his mind, he harbors the hope that Bri will some day turn his fantasy into reality.
Katie and Patrick have been together for four years. They’re in a committed relationship, but Katie has come to realize that she needs more sex than Patrick.
He’s pre-occupied with starting a new business and happy with their twice a week routine. For her part, she’d prefer a trip down the “O” highway every day.
She’s not opposed to a furtive moment alone in the shower or a solitary fling on the day bed before Patrick returns home from work. But what works best for Katie is curling up in front of the fire or in the chaise lounge with a steamy period romance and a favorite vibrator.
She secretly hopes Patrick will find her books and want to see what she does with that vibrator while she reads.
Doing it by the Book
Masturbation, wanking, play time.
Call it what you like, it’s something we all do. In fact, Kinsey Institute research shows that 90 percent of all men over the age of 18 “toss one off” on a regular basis, while 65 percent of all women “rub one out” now and then.
The percentages are lower for married couples, but a Playboy survey found that 72 percent of married men masturbate, while a Redbook survey revealed that 68 percent of married women join in the fun.
Yet, when confronted with these percentages, many people are embarrassed to admit that they aren’t much different from everyone else when it comes to self pleasure.
Furthermore, even if we confess to an occasional personal dalliance, we’re likely to characterize it as a “moment of weakness.” In the words of the old “Seinfeld” episode, we take pride in being “masters of our own domain.”
But the truth is that “humming to our own music” is a more purposeful activity than we may like to own up to. Drawings of men and women engaged in sex are among the earliest and most prevalent art to adorn the walls of caves.
The first writings on sex can be traced to ancient Chinese and Indian cultures, and the public areas of Greek and Roman cities often contained art work depicting copulation, oral sex, and self pleasure.
It’s a good bet that our ancestors were using that art work and those writings to enhance not only their sex lives with partners, but also their solo sex. And based on the current market demand for erotica and porn, it’s likely that many of us today rely on sexy stories, photos, and videos to make our private time more enjoyable.
In fact, if the e-mail and blog comments I receive are any indication, I’m pretty sure that most readers of my stories and books are of the one-handed variety.
Bottom line
Most researchers and therapists view masturbation as a common and natural activity. If we’re going to do it, why not enjoy it to the fullest? If a hot story or a sexy book produces warm and fuzzies down below or indulges a particular fantasy, why not go with it?
Masturbation doesn’t need to be shameful or guilt-ridden, it can be a celebration of our singular sexuality, purposefully undertaken and augmented with erotica we love.
Doing it Without My Partner
A question that often arises is whether it’s harmful to a relationship when one or both partners masturbate in isolation to “dirty stories.” The concern is that solo masturbation, with or without the aid of erotica, is a form of “cheating,” and we all know how damaging that can be to a relationship.
But most researchers agree that couples should not be troubled by masturbation in a relationship so long as (1) it doesn’t take the place of sex between partners; and (2) neither partner’s self esteem is lowered by the other partner’s self enjoyment.
Remember Janie, Nathan, and Katie from the beginning of this article? Janie played with herself to the accompaniment of the bookmarked sections of her favorite e-book, when she was on the road and away from boyfriends.
Nathan indulged a fantasy his wife had little interest in, but it didn’t lessen his attraction to his wife. And Katie used erotica and masturbation to supplement her sex life with her husband.
It’s hard to see how anyone’s relationship was damaged.
Bottom Line: Open communication with your spouse or partner is always the best route. Talk about your sexual desires and fantasies. Come to an understanding about what both of you need, keeping in mind that sex is a mystery and that each person’s desires are valid and unique.