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How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

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It’s no secret, women are much more complicated to sexually satisfy than men.

For women, having an orgasm is a culmination of many different things all falling into place at just the right moment. Rather than being an automatic physical response to continued pleasurable sensations (like it is for most men), female orgasms are extremely connected to their thoughts, fantasies, and emotions.

She has to be relaxed and feel emotionally secure with her partner first in order for her body to respond positively to his ministrations.

Unfortunately trying to juggle all of these needs at the same time is difficult, even for the most caring and attentive lover…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months. We’ve been sexually active for about 4 months. She says it’s really good but she has never achieved an orgasm even with oral – long oral. She tells me that she gets short bursts of sensation but it never goes beyond that, no matter how long I go down on her.

I would just like her to experience an orgasm because I know it feels great!

–Francis, Cali

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jNrogPTLGo[/youtube]

How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

Wanting your girlfriend to be just as sexually satisfied as you are in the bedroom is a great goal. Many women out there wish their boyfriends cared enough about their sexual pleasure to be concerned with their lack of orgasms during lovemaking.

So if you’re in a similar situation, the first step to figuring out why your girlfriend is unable to orgasm during sex is to rule out the possibility of any physical problems that could be inhibiting her orgasms.

An easy way to find out is by asking her one simple question.

Does She Orgasm During Masturbation?

After you ask her, talk about it. If she says no, then why not give it a try together? It would be fun!

If her answer is yes, then it’s safe to assume her difficulties are more psychological or emotional in nature. One of the most common reasons why women can’t orgasm during sex is tension. This can be caused by embarrassment, general unease, or life-related stressors such as work.

Even something as simple as trying a new position could make her nervous and prevent her from relaxing enough to orgasm!

Make the Situation as Stress-Free as Possible

Don’t make her feel pressured. Remove the focus of your sex play from trying to make her have an orgasm, to just enjoying each other. It should be a light-hearted exploration process. This is particularly important when performing oral sex. In general, women become very self-conscious and worried about what their partner is thinking while he is “down there”.

Remember, the fastest way to get her to NOT have an orgasm is by wondering if she’s had one every two seconds.

You’re not supposed to be ticking off any mental check boxes, or worse, asking her “Did you do it yet?”

Orgasms Are About Giving Up Control

One of the hardest things to do is give up the control you have over your carefully crafted composure in the presence of someone else – and orgasms require you to do just that. Many women will allow themselves to enjoy the physical sensations of sex right up until the moment it begins to feel “too good”.

At this point, they either relax, give up control, and ride out the sensations to completion (typically to orgasm), or they shut themselves off from their own pleasure, retain control, and slip further away from orgasming.

It’s common for women to subconsciously do this without knowing why, or how to stop doing it. Essentially they are afraid of losing control, becoming vulnerable, and opening themselves up to getting emotionally hurt . This is why trust, love, and relaxation are critical elements to a fulfilling sexual partnership.

Communication is Key – Don’t Stop When She Says “Don’t Stop!”

Once she is relaxed and ready to give herself over to your amazing sexual technique, listen to what she tells you and do exactly that.

Often, it seems like just at the moment when everything is starting to feel “perfect” and her orgasm is right around the corner, the man will change his position, his rhythm, etc. and cause her to lose that gloriously “perfect” sensation.

Don’t solely rely on her words either to tell you what feels amazing and what doesn’t. Get to know your partner as a sexual being. Listen to her various moans, her quick intakes of breath, that little twitch in her ankle that lets you know when you’re on the right track.

Good communication encompasses much more than just words, it’s a whole body experience.

For more great orgasm technique tips, check out The Female Orgasm Black Book!

He Knows I’m Faking It! What Should I Do?

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Although we, as women, like to think of ourselves as Oscar winning actresses in the bedroom, the truth is we’re not!

And the number of sexually knowledgeable men out there is growing. They’re educated, well-read, and many have gained the amazing ability to spot our fake orgasmic performances every time.

(Un)fortunately for them, they’re usually good, caring men who pretend to believe our exaggerated moans in order to spare us the embarrassment of being caught in such a classic lie. The real problem then becomes how to tell us they know without hurting our feelings. Obviously this is an emotionally complicated conversation to bring up.

Just think about it. If he approaches the issue directly, you’ll probably react defensively and deny your pretended “O’s.“ If he approaches it indirectly, hoping you’ll confess, you’ll probably turn the conversation to something else rather than justify his obvious suspicions.

So if you believe your lover already knows you fake “it” and is not broaching the subject out of politeness, then the best thing you can do for your relationship is to make the first move toward clearing up the harmful unspoken questions he’s probably asking himself over and over again.

Questions such as, why are you faking it? Don’t you enjoy your sex together? Is there a physical problem he doesn’t know about? Have you ever had a real orgasm? What should he be doing differently to please you? Is the problem emotional? Should he be worried?

First, Understand Why You Do It

Sometimes women feel compelled to fake orgasms because it seems like the “right thing to do” in the moment without consciously understanding why. If you’re one of these women and you’re not exactly sure why you pretend to orgasm during sex, then this step should be an eye-opening part of the process.

Often the reasons are hidden in cultural expectations of what sex “should” be (ie – both people should orgasm at approximately the same time, sex is not fulfilling without an orgasm, if she doesn‘t orgasm it means she is not enjoying the sex, etc.), other times the reasons are more personal and related to the relationship dynamic itself.

Most Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

  • She believes other women orgasm during penetrative sex and doesn’t want to show her “inadequacy” of not being able to orgasm this way to her lover.
  • She is too shy to do what she knows will work in front of her lover (such as manual stimulation to her clitoris).
  • She believes her own orgasm will “take too long” in comparison to the amount of time it takes her lover to orgasm, so she fakes one at the appropriate time instead.
  • If she doesn’t orgasm she’s afraid her lover will take it personally and be offended.

Less Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

  • She’s never had an orgasm, even during masturbation, so she doesn’t understand what her body needs to achieve one.
  • She has a medical condition or is taking a medication that interferes with her ability to orgasm, but doesn‘t want to tell her lover about it or make a “big deal.”
  • She really does not enjoy sex with her lover (though this is rarely the case!).

Now That YOU Know Why You Do It, Tell Him

You’re pretty sure he already knows, so this part should go smoothly. Remember the point of this conversation is to be honest about your reasons for faking your orgasms, and to assuage his worst fears about your sex life. In all likelihood you are enjoying your sexual experiences with him, with or without an orgasm, so be sure to make a point of saying that right in the beginning.

Tell him about your embarrassments or your shyness to do certain things. Reassure him that you weren’t deliberately trying to make him feel uncertain about the quality of your sex life together. Once you’ve made your confession, both of you should feel very relieved that this collection of little lies is finally out in the open.

Moving Forward – No More Faking!

Although both of you should now understand why you’re not having real orgasms, the next step isn’t necessarily to begin a full-throttled crusade toward the big “O”. Instead, take a moment to assess any underlying issues that may need clarification, such as emotional trust and intimacy.

For example, why do you feel uncomfortable pleasuring yourself in front of him? Is having an orgasm honestly an important part of the sexual experience for you, or are you just as content not having one? It’s very common for women to report experiencing truly satisfying sex without having orgasms at all, but many of those same women feel pressured by societal expectations to have orgasms anyway (hence the prevalence of faking).

Because of this you and your lover should only begin to “fix” the “problem” if you believe sex would be more fulfilling for you with real orgasms. Otherwise it’s perfectly acceptable for you to continue having sex without them – As long as you don’t feel pressured by your lover or your culture, to fake them again!

Curious Virgin Swingers – Honey the Neighbors are HOT!

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Imagine meeting another couple, neighbors, co-workers, other parents… You become good friends or your kids become good friends, and you find yourself spending lots of time together.

And then one evening, maybe after a few drinks by the pool, you start to notice that they’re really hot, you start feeling some sexual tension all around, and you start having these ‘thoughts’…

You might actually like to have sex with them!

Those thoughts are typically followed by thoughts like “Am I a bad person?“, “Do they feel the same way?”, “What will my partner think?”.

Soon your head is spinning… What do you do? Do you act on these feelings or just keep them as your secret fantasies?

Here’s a question from Randy who seems to have some really hot neighbors!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few years ago, we had a younger couple move next door to us. The sexual tone between us and the other couple is ever increasing.

I’m interested in having sex with them but I am not sure about my wife. I haven’t shared my feelings with her yet. I’m very open regarding my sexual life. Should I be looking for clues regarding to the possibility of swinging with them?

This would be a first for us but I think it would be a lot of fun as long as guideline and rules are followed such as the one posted in your site.

— Randy, Washington

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiERpb98eK4[/youtube]

First Time Swingers

If you’re thinking about swinging with your partner for the first time, we have one rule above all others…

TALK To Your Partner. It’s not going to happen without them.

If you’re a man, there’s one more thing you need to understand. In the swinging community, the women control the show. If she’s not interested, again – it’s not going to happen.

There are a lot of different ways that you can approach her to find out if she’s at least curious about swinging. Talk to her, hint around a bit, make her feel safe talking seductively about other women and men, etc.

You’ll need to know if she’s at least curious about other women and or men. And, you’ll need to ask yourself this question – “How do you feel about her being with another man or couple?”.

All of these questions need to be addressed upfront to reduce the likelihood of hurt feelings later.

How Do We Know If They Want To Play With Us?

As to whether or not the other couple is interested, ask yourself if you’re feeling sexual tension between the four of you.

Listen to your gut, your intuition. If you do, you’ll always know when somebody is lying to you, you’ll always know when someone likes you, and you’ll always know if someone, or everyone, in the room wants to get it on or not.

If you just listen to yourself and trust your instincts – you’ll know.

If you’re feeling it, everyone else is too. There’s a big difference in you being attracted to someone and lots of mutual sexual tension in the air. That kind of energy is too hot to miss. You’ll know the difference if you just listen and pay attention.

Your First Time

If you’re going to have sex with someone other than your spouse, whether you call it swinging, wife swapping, or a threesome… Your first time should probably NOT be with your neighbors, your co-workers, or with your casual couple friends – unless you’re all very clear about it and are very comfortable about it.

If it goes weird, and the first time is much more likely to go weird, you run the risk of losing a friendship. So be very cautious about swinging with someone that you know and that your going to hang out with everyday.

Similar to an office romance… It’s not normally a good idea.

There are plenty of people who enjoy swinging on a regular basis. We recommend that your first time be with a more experienced couple that you can learn from and get an understanding of the lifestyle and how it typically works.

There are lots of great dating websites and swinger clubs where you can just go to look, flirt, and get comfortable before diving in head first.

And again… Talk to each other openly and honestly about your feelings as they come up – before, during, and after!

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

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Those are two words that you don’t normally see in the same sentence: shy and dominatrix.

Is it possible to be both? Here’s a question from Melissa who is a little confused. She always considered herself to be submissive, but lately, she keeps meeting others who want her to dominate them.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a submissive and  lately I’ve been meeting people that want me to dominate them. When I try I get shy and can’t do it.

So how do I NOT be shy when they asked me to do this?

–Melissa, Washington

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZpYYy8rar0[/youtube]

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Of course it’s possible. Anything is possible…

If you consider yourself to be submissive and yet you find others wanting you to dominate them, I can see where this could get a little confusing.

The big question I have for you is ‘Why are you attracting these people?“.

If you are truly submissive, why do these people keep wanting you to dominate them. It’s normally quite obvious where a person lines up – a little to the top or to the bottom.

Are you sending mixed signals? Maybe you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

The really big thing you have to ask you self is “Are you sure about what you want?”

Sometimes we end up in a role, whether in life or sex, and find ourselves wondering how we got there. Maybe it’s time for a change and maybe not, but it’s worthwhile taking some time to get really clear about what you truly enjoy. Try on various roles and see what fits you best.

Start Slowly

If you do want to try the dominant role, then just start slowly rather than trying to put on the whole show all at once.

Just try little things and work your way up. That will give you time to decide if that is the role that you want or not. You don’t have to get dressed up in leather and spike heeled boots, tie him up, and punish him on the first try.

Start small and work your way up. Find and test your limits gradually. This works anytime you want to overcome shyness with with any area in your life. Take the first little step in that direction. The important thing is to take that first step.

Too Tired for Sex? Try This…

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Sometimes we all get caught up in careers, kids and parenthood, life and stress.

Often that affects our relationships with our significant other, especially the sexual side of things.

What happens when you just can’t find the time and the energy?

The Secret to Creating Sexual Energy

Here is something you can try, something fun and exciting and all you have to do is open up and figure out how to use it best to create the most exciting sexual energy available on the planet. It is without a doubt the most important sexual element that you can get.

What is it?

Is it a toy, a tool, a strategy?

Can anybody get it?

Where can you buy it?

Can you show me online?

Is it something that shows up in my spam folder everyday?

The answer is “none of the above”. No, you can’t buy it, you can’t find it out in the world, it’s not available online.

The great thing about it is that everybody has access to it. Everybody can use it. It is just a matter of being open-minded and learning to use it to your advantage.

The most important sexual element available in the world is your own mind. You can create more excitement and fun, anticipation and pleasure by using the power of your own mind than any other thing you could ever come across.

Here is a Fun Strategy Proven to Work Wonders

Start in the morning, set a time for a “date” in the evening with your loved one. Both of you plan a time when you can get together and spend some quality time. And then go on with your day.

During the day, spend some time visualizing and anticipating your date. It is really nice when you can include the other person. If you are around your loved one, you can do little things to include them in your fantasy, a kiss on the neck, a loving touch in the right places, some passionate kisses can all increase your level of anticipation. And that is what you are trying to do, get your mind going with an excited level of anticipation for your “date”.

If you are not with your partner during the day, you can still participate in this type of foreplay, you will just have to be more creative.

How do you normally communicate with your loved one?

Text messages are great for sending just a little note to tell your partner how much you are looking forward to being with them and spending some quality time on loving. You can also use some of the more old-fashioned modes, sending a sweet love letter, or calling on the phone to say how much you love them and how excited you are for your date.

The point is to spend the entire day in anticipation and building up the excitement for your time together in the evening. Imagine and visualize the loving time together and appreciate and be grateful for the love and excitement you feel for this person that you love.

Some may say that this takes away from the spontaneity and excitement and of course there is always a place and a time for that kind of lovemaking. But for those couples who may feel that life is getting ahead of them and they are finding it difficult to get into that mode, your minds can work wonders for your sex-life.

Because like many things in life, The Joy is in the Journey.

Featured Author, Karen Lynch is a Law of Attraction and Personal Development Expert and founder of the empowering and inspiring website www.livethepower.com. You can read more of her inspirational and motivational writings at the Live the Power blog at http://www.livethepower.com/blog