Foreplay is an essential, but no-one is asking you for perfection, honey. This isn’t about being a Casanova or a foreplay aficionado – though neither hurts, that’s for sure! No, what we’re talking about right now is giving your wife what she really wants when she’s at her most vulnerable and receptive, open and honest.
Fear
According to husband and wife team Kim Catrall and Mark Levinson in their book “Satisfaction: The Art of Female Orgasm,” which addresses the many issues that face the modern couple working toward a female orgasm, fear is a primary source of recurring anxiety and emotional stress in a lover’s life. I was terrified to tell my husband that I wasn’t satisfied with our sex life, scared that I would hurt him or cause the kind of anger and resentment that ultimately. This kind of anxiety breeds resentment and serious stress, both of which are the opposite of sexy.
Discontent
Open, honest communication is the bedrock upon the foundation of a happy relationship. Your partner will have good reason to be afraid to talk to you about their sexual experiences. We don’t exactly have the best reputation for effective communication. Dr. DeAngelis identifies ten archetypes describing rote male reactions to talking about sex that make women cringe, especially when it comes to talking about sex.
1. Mystery Men are vague.
2. Slippery Men avoid discussion.
3. Invisible Men withdraw and hold back.
4. Secret Men can’t express their own needs and desires.
5. Volcanic Men bottle up their feelings until they explode.
6. Vanishing Men storm out in the middle of discussions.
7. Commando Men bark orders and make demands.
8. Sarcastic Men make jokes and poke fun at women’s feelings.
9. Chicken Men lie and tell stories to avoid the hard talks.
10. Reactive Men always expect the worse and react accordingly.
Each of these responses to our genuine concerns about desire and satisfaction can cause deep emotional wounds that will fester and poison relationships without help. When it comes to talking about what we want in bed, if you aren’t willing
to listen, you’ll never learn.
Judgment
During my many years of study and exploration, I learned that becoming orgasmic really was my responsibility. Every woman should take the opportunity to learn her own body – but you need to be open to listening to and learning from her discovery.
If you respond to your wife giving you suggestions or discussing her worries with an attitude of blame, how can you expect her to want to improve her sexual experience with you? The pressure to perform when I knew how hurt or angry my husband
would be if he didn’t feel like he had “done his job” is what led me to begin faking it in the first place.
If you really want to know what your wife is feeling in bed, you need to learn how to tell exactly how she’s doing, take the pressure off her, and give her the chance to be open and honest about her experience. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and an embodied sexual experience.
Divorce
Sex is rarely cited as a woman’s reason for divorce – only about 5% of female divorcees reported this as the cause (compared to 17% of divorced men). But the emotional effects of fear, discontent and judgment from a sexless or orgasm-free
marriage certainly contribute to the 27% of divorced couples with “emotional problems” and 22% who had extramarital affairs.19
There was a time in my marriage where I was at the end of my rope. I considered cheating and even thought about how awful a divorce would be if things came to that. I realized that the hard work it would take to learn and teach my husband about sexual fulfillment was a better choice than the easy route of finding someone else to give me a hand with the sex education. Put simply, my husband got lucky!