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Is Monogamy Overrated?

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Monogamy seems to be the popular choice for couples in long term relationships – but is it necessary? Can you have a satisfying relationship without it?

What Other Relationship Options Are There?

You can’t argue that monogamy isn’t exactly the one size fits all relationship type we were taught growing up. Don’t believe me? Just hit the internet! It seems like there are all kinds of relationships out there (open relationships, swingers, polyamorists, just to name a few) and they all seem sexier than monogamy and they’re getting way better press too.

Is It Still Sexy?

Religious organizations will argue that monogamy is under attack. Really? I didn’t know swingers were breaking into people’s homes and making them have sex with other people. While monogamy isn’t exactly under attack, it’s kind of lost its luster. It’s about as sexy as flossing or paying your taxes on time. Sure, there’s something to be said for it, but there’s a good chance that something will put you to sleep.

That doesn’t make monogamy overrated, any more than a gun in and of itself is a bad thing. It depends on the application and the situation. If you go on a date and your date pulls out a hand gun, it’s probably not a good night for you. If a burglar is breaking into your home and you call the cops and all they do is try and put the bad guy on “time out” you’ll be wishing he/she was packing heat (get your mind out of the gutter people!).

It’s Hard Work

Monogamy isn’t what we thought it was. It’s not like you get in a monogamous relationship and then that’s it. Since you’re not having intercourse with other people by design, you have to work to maintain the spark, probably a lot harder than non-monogamous people, because they have the benefit of the spark that comes with being with and being desired by other people.

It’s Also Safer

Then again, monogamy, by default, may not be sexy, but it is safer. Since you’re aren’t fucking other people (as long as there is no infidelity) then you don’t have to worry about AIDS, herpes or any of those STD’s that scare the shit out people who are fucking around. You don’t need to wear condoms, if you’re not screwing other people and since you know you’re both clean and safe, you can do all kinds of crazy sex, wild intercourse, anal sex and whatever else you like with a clean conscience (and clean health record).

That can make monogamy seem a bit more appetizing. If variety is the spice of life, then monogamy is like eating your vegetables. People who practice non monogamy (I wonder if they ever got it right yet) will argue that monogamy is dead and that it can’t work and that it will always end with infidelity or a sexless marriage. That’s crazy. It’s statistically impossible that all monogamous relationships end up like that. Some of them have to be really great. Some married people have to be fucking more than porn stars, right? It’s just simple numbers.

Decide For Yourself What Is Best For You

Monogamy seems overrated largely because we get such a bad view on it. Sex sells and if it bleeds it’s news. Fear sells. No one is going to buy a copy of People Magazine to find out about the happily married celebrity couple that have been monogamous for years, have amazing sex and fall more in love every day. You just don’t hear about that. You know why? It’s nothing compared to the crazy coke head celebrities who go off and have sex with the poolboy all while living in an apartment.

Monogamy is what you make of it, assuming you decide to make something of it in the first place. You may not want to. That’s cool too. If you are into it, great! If you’re not, that’s great too. Just keep your mouth shut to the people who don’t share your view point. You can’t change them and just because monogamy (or non monogamy) doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for them. Monogamy isn’t overrated or underrated. That’s like saying Spicy Brown mustard is over rated or underrated. It’s mustard people. That’s it. You put it on your hot dog, if you like it on your dog, and if you don’t well, you don’t.

It’s really that simple. Monogamy is what it is. It’s not good or bad, it just means you don’t mess around. Well, with anyone other than your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s not rocket science. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t it doesn’t. If your relationship ends it’s not monogamy’s fault. It’s yours.

5 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You

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Cheating sucks – but a lot of guys do it. Is your man cheating on YOU? Here are five ways to tell if he’s being a scumbag.

A cheating lover is something that a lot of women have experienced. Cheating is one of the most disrespectful actions a guy can take in a relationship. It’s not very often that cheating goes unnoticed. If you believe that your fella is having an affair, there are a couple of things that you can look out for.

1. He’s On The Computer A LOT

One of the easiest ways for guys to meet women for sex is online. Even if the guy is not meeting a girl for sex he could be talking about it online with multiple women. The Internet has given guys a platform to play out their fantasies with women anonymously. If your guy cringes every time that you reach for his computer then he might be having an online tryst with other women.

If you guy doesn’t leave his computer open or protects everything with a password, this is another red flag. Check IM chat logs or website history if you can get into his computer. If you can’t, try to look over his shoulder when he doesn’t think you’re around. Yes, this is a little creepy, but better safe than sorry.

2. He Starts To Have Odd Schedule Changes

Does your guy follow a routine down the minute? Does he walk through the door at 5:16 every afternoon? Sudden schedule changes can be a sign that he’s cheating. Some guys like to be spontaneous, but if he has a steady job a sudden change in routine could be a sign that he is cheating. Ask questions about where he was or why he was working late.

You don’t have to prod him with an interrogation like the Republican Guard, but get some details. Details can prove that he was actually where he says he was. If you can poke holes through his story then you might want to rethink the relationship. If he tries to include you in his schedule changes then he’s probably not cheating.

3. He Disappears

No calls, no texts and no emails? This is a huge sign that he’s probably having an affair. If you have gone from hot and heavy to barely seeing each other then there is definitely a problem. If he were really interested in you then he would be trying to spend more time with you.

All relationships hit a bump in the road every so often, but if he is making excuses not to see you he might have a woman on the side. If there are changes at work or something similar then you might not see him as much. However, if there are no changes at work and he just disappears on you, he might be cheating.

4. Something Has Changed

You can feel it. Something has changed about him. He’s focusing more on his looks than ever before. He doesn’t laugh at your jokes anymore. He’s not the guy that you fell in love with. These are all indications that there is something wrong with the relationship. When you feel like something has changed about him it could be the company of another woman.

Cheating has a way of changing men. When they are having an affair, they will put you second fiddle. Take a notice of changes in the air when you’re around him and you might find that he’s spending time with another girl.

5. The Proof Is On His Phone

If you have the inclination to check his phone every time he leaves the room then there is something wrong. He might be cheating or he might not be. Usually, when a woman feels the need to check a guy’s phone she does not trust him. This can be a problem in itself; however, if you feel like you have to check his phone it’s probably for a reason.

If you find text messages of a sexual nature from numbers you don’t recognize then you should definitely confront him about it. If your guy has a password on his phone then you should also be on your toes. If your guy doesn’t let his phone out of his sight there could also be a problem.

A cheating lover is not something that you should tolerate. The disrespect that you will feel after you find out can be soul-crushing. Look for these indications so you are not a victim to his cheating. If you find that your guy is displaying one or more of these signs, talk to him about it. In most cases, talking your way through problems can bring the relationship full circle.

Am I Crazy Or Is She Cheating?

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Cheating is a tough thing to confront, so you want to make sure you’re positive your partner is cheating before you open your mouth. Here’s how to know.

Nobody wants to play the jealous boyfriend, but at one point or another you might find your mind wandering into scary territory. “Is she cheating or am I crazy?” This question comes up too often and it’s hard to determine for some women. The fear of your girlfriend cheating is enough to make any man shake with terror. The fact of the matter is that most women do not cheat. If they are not happy in the relationship, they will probably just break up with you. However, there are a percentage of women who do fall prey to their temptation. Fortunately, there are some very common trends in women who do cheat. Here are a couple of signs that can keep you on the lookout the next time your questions arise.

Her Age

Younger girls are more adept to play games. That’s not to say that an older woman will not stray, but younger girls have little commitment even if they say that they are committed. If your girlfriend is turning 25, 30 or 35 watch for signs of a crisis. These are the ages that women start to question everything about themselves. Have you ever heard a woman say something like “5 years ago I wouldn’t have done this?” Well, 5 years ago she may not have cheated. Ask your partner if she is happy in the relationship and assure her that you are. Make sure that she knows you would never have an affair and wait for her to assure you. If she doesn’t tell you that she would never cheat, get rid of her.

Job Changes

Job changes are a sign that she might be in a place to cheat on you. When a woman starts making more money or she’s put in a higher position at work, she can feel the power. She might feel like you’re yesterday’s news, especially if she’s making more money than you. One of the best ways to combat her new sense of entitlement is to tell her how proud you are of her. Brag about the promotion and let her know that she’s made a big accomplishment. This will give her the emotional support that she needs. If she starts staying at her job late at night after the first 3 months, you might want to consider whether or not she’s actually “working.” Get details when she works late. Find out what she was doing, but don’t make it obvious. Tell her that you want more time together and see what she says. If she gets defensive, something is definitely up.

She’s Put The Brakes On The Relationship

Remember when she used to call you at work just to see how your day is going? When was the last time that happened? If your romance has come to a complete halt, it’s probably time to be concerned. Get together with her and ask what is going on. Confronting the problem is the best way to move past it. The problem might not even have anything to do with you. Talk it out with her and decide on the best course of action. If she says that there’s not a problem with the relationship, offer to take a weekend trip so you can rekindle the romance. If she’s not interested, take caution. She might be seeing somebody or she’s been cheating.

You Haven’t Had Sex In A Couple Of Weeks

Sex is a pretty big part of the relationship. If you aren’t having sex, there are a couple of things that might be going on. One of the possibilities is that she’s not cheating and she’s just not interested in pursuing the relationship any further. The other possibility is that she is cheating and she’s saving all of her sexual attention for the new guy. Before you storm in and accuse her of anything, talk to her. She might have something going on with her vagina that she’s too embarrassed to tell you about. Assure her that you just want to know what the problem is. Women tend to without sex is there are deeper issues in the relationship so be prepared to talk through other issues when you bring this up. If she tells you there is nothing wrong after repeatedly asking her, assume the worst.

Cheating happens. There’s nothing that we can do to avoid getting cheated on, but diagnosing a cheater can be fairly easy when you put the relationship under a microscope. Always express concern before you accuse your girlfriend of cheating on you. If you accuse her of cheating and she’s not, she could lose all respect for you.

If Rich, Beautiful Women Get Cheated On, What Chance Do I Have?

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Cheating happens all the time – guys are notorious for cheating, and a lot of women do it too. It’s often the butt of many jokes, and there’s a lot of guys who don’t think infidelity is serious business. With all the cheating going on in the press to girls who look like they’d never get cheated on, ever. If girls who have it all get cheated on, is there any stopping cheating from happening to the average woman? Are girls who get married doomed to be subjected to adultery, no matter how pretty, nice, kind, funny or awesome they are? Do some guys just need to get it on with a different girl every now and then to be satisfied sexually, or is there a way to prevent it from ever happening?

Why do men cheat on beautiful, famous women? Where’s the hope for the rest of us when even celebrities can’t have a faithful spouse? I’m getting married soon and all this high profile infidelity is making me nervous!

What She Said:

I understand your pre-wedding jitters, but odds are good your husband will not turn out to be a cheater.

Why Do They Do It?

Why do men cheat? Because they can. Aside from that cynical joke, there’s obviously no formula to figure out what makes men stray. Some men cheat on famous women in order to restore balance in the power system. Perhaps the hubby of a celebrity feels emasculated because his wife makes more money than he does. Cheating can even the playing field in the dynamics of a marriage. Yes, it’s completely passive-aggressive – but that could explain the mindset at play.

Men are obviously loaded with testosterone – powerful men possibly more so. Not only is there a strong biological imperative to “spread the seed,” there’s also the fact that men who are with famous women are used to getting what they want, when they want it.

Regardless of who a man marries, I still believe there’s one big reason a guy would be unfaithful – if he’s not happy at home, he’s bound to look elsewhere. Everything else is superfluous and out of your control.

Enter With Full Trust

Give yourself (and your fiancé) the gift of going into your marriage full of trust, love, hope and an open heart. This should be the happiest time of your life; don’t spoil it by fretting over the end of others’ unions. Don’t cross the “he cheated on me” bridge until you come to it – if you come to it. Besides, if you’re marrying a man who’s your best friend in and out of the bedroom, you really won’t have a thing to worry about.

What He Said:

“Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I will show you a guy who’s tired of fucking her.” — Chris Rock.

Can Men Really Be Monogamous?

It’s an exaggeration to some degree, but there’s also some degree of truth to it. Some men just need some “strange” from time to time. They say men aren’t wired to be monogamous, I’m not sure women are either. I don’t think it’s natural for us to only be with one person for life.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t doable or that it’s a bad thing. There are all different kinds of people out there and there are all different kinds of relationships. The fact that he has a penis doesn’t mean he will be screwing anything that moves.

There’s not much you can do to keep him faithful and more than he can do to keep you faithful. If you never give him a reason to stray, you’re off to an amazing start. And if that doesn’t work, just screw his brains out. Screw him stupid to the point where he is physically unable to be with anyone else. That’s the M.O. of several of my married female friends.

Weatherproof Your Marriage

You can’t go into this marriage with the idea that he’s going to cheat. That’s not going to get you anywhere you want to go. It is helpful to realize that this is a distinct possibility and plan accordingly. You don’t have car insurance because you want to get in an accident, you have it in case you do. That can mean you have a pre-nup or that simply you are aware it could happen and do everything you can do to weatherproof your marriage. That’s not being paranoid, that’s being positively proactive. You get what you put in.

Help! I Think I Might Be A Home Wrecker!

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Cheating is one thing, but what if you’re not actually the one doing it? What if you’ve met this great person who just happens to be in a relationship with someone else. Is it just as bad to be helping someone else do it? Does that make you a cheater too? Or are you in the free and clear?

What’s a woman’s responsibility as far as “home wrecking” goes? I have a huge crush on this guy and we’ve really connected. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he told me things were essentially over with them. We’ve (happily) since gotten together, but now his ex is saying I ruined their relationship. Am I at fault?

What She Said:

You only have to look as far as the headlines to get some real time examples for your question. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie anyone? Heck, even Jennifer Aniston, the “wronged” party in that “bizarre Bermuda triangle,” has recently been accused of home wrecking antics.

My question? Where does the responsibility lie for the person actually in the relationship? To continue with the high-profile celebrity example: Angelina has worn the man-stealing crown for over six years now, but Brad was the one who was married and chose to cheat. Yes, Jolie is insanely gorgeous – but Pitt is a grown man, capable of making the decision to remain in a monogamous relationship.

What’s your responsibility? It sounds like you knew there might be cheating going on – but it also sounds like your guy was fully complicit. Maybe you knew he was fudging the facts as far as his relationship status – or maybe you chose to take him at his word. Either way, you were operating off the fact that things were over.

Do you have anything to feel guilty about? Only you can know for sure. Did you flirt, regardless of his living situation? Did you make yourself available as a friend and confidant, knowing that the two of you growing closer might jeopardize his relationship? Did you mold yourself into the image of his perfect girl? Of course his ex is going to be pissed at you (and maybe she has reason to be) – but it was ultimately her partner who acted dishonestly.

There are obviously a myriad of combinations, but at the end of the day I still believe this: Anyone can be tempted to cheat and everyone has a choice as to whether or not he or she follows through on that action. I’m a fan of clean breaks – if the relationship is truly over, end it before starting something new. That’s the real way to take responsibility.

What He Said

I don’t know the specifics, but if he wasn’t 100 % free and clear of his ex (as in totally broken up with her), then yes, you’d be a factor. But after that, it gets grey. Many marriages, for example end long before one of the parties files for legal separation or divorce, and then in that situation, you could have come into the guys life before he officially pulled the plug on his relationship, but after it had died. It had needlessly been hanging on via life support until someone finally showed some compassion and pulled the plug on it.

In that situation if you entered his life after it died, but before the cord was pulled, would you be a home wrecker? Technically, no. But everyone will judge you as such. Why? Because people don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and so they would have no way of knowing the relationship had died a slow, painful and often sexless death before you showed up. It would just look to the outside world like you showed up and stole that poor woman’s man away.

He will be needlessly judged and persecuted as well (see my colleagues aforementioned judgment against Brad Pitt for example). It’ll look like he was some mindless hornball who cheated on this poor, defenseless, woman who is a paragon of virtue, and walks little old ladies across the street, goes to church on Sunday, etc. That happens, yes, but that doesn’t happen in all cases. You don’t know and you shouldn’t be judging (COUGH! JENNA! COUGH!)

It doesn’t matter any more, really. You’re in a relationship with him and what happened, happened. At a certain point, even if you did steal him away, she just needs to get over it and move on. There are other men out there and if he was cheating on her with you, why would she be upset anyway? She should be glad to get rid of him, after all, he’s your problem now, right?