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I’m Flirting Constantly But My Man Isn’t Jealous – What Gives?

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I’m a girl and I flirt – a lot. Most of my ex bf’s can’t handle it. My current boyfriend says he doesn’t get the least bit jealous. Is that right? Should he be jealous?

What She Said

Do you want him to be jealous? It sounds like you’re playing the flirt as a form of control and not as something that’s genuinely a part of your personality. If you were truly the flirty type, you would most likely do it in a fun and light way – a way that convinces your boyfriend there’s nothing to worry about instead of searching for a reaction from him.

Does He Have To Be Jealous?

It sounds like you’ve got a great guy – one who’s interested in letting you be yourself, as well as someone who is invested in keeping your relationship drama-free. It is possible for you to both chat (and even lightly flirt) with members of the opposite sex without either one of you getting jealous. While jealousy is a normal emotion, it’s not necessarily the healthiest option. It usually stems from fear. So, if your current BF doesn’t fear losing you, he’s not going to get jealous. Why would he?

Is What You’re Doing Really Healthy?

Perhaps you need to look away from his (lack of) motivation and take a closer look at yourself. Did you get a kick out of making men in your life “go nuts” by being a flirt? It sure sounds like it! But why were you so into yanking their proverbial chains emotionally? Would you like it if someone went out of his way to get cozy with another gal, all to make sure you were paying attention? It’s not a nice feeling – and it’s not a nice thing to try to make someone else feel. It sounds like you’ve been operating out of insecurity in past relationships.

It’s Time To Grow Up

Making those men go wild was a way of getting affirmation from them – but it was forced from your wily ways and not a genuine declaration. It sounds like it’s time to drop your guard. Flirting may have been a defense mechanism in the past – it kept you in control and your partners on their toes.

However, this new relationship isn’t adhering to your old tricks – and that’s not a bad thing. It sounds like you’ve found someone who can help you grow. I’m not saying you have to dump flirting from your repertoire, just make sure it’s for the right reasons. In the meantime, take a moment to appreciate your current boyfriend and take a break from all the game playing.

What He Said

If your man doesn’t have a problem with the fact that you’re an attention whore, should you really be complaining?

Kidding. Sort of. Not really, now that I think of it. You clearly get off on this pattern for whatever reason. Maybe you have intimacy issues, and this is your way of pushing guys away who get too close to you. Maybe you really, really need the attention, and in that case….well, you need Jesus. Or Oprah. Or Dr. Drew if they’re all busy.

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationships?

Somehow you landed yourself a man who won’t let you sabotage things. I didn’t hear you complain about the quality of the relationship, so I’ll take a stab and say the relationship is great and that’s what freaks you out. You’re not used to it. Good problem to have I think. Learn to enjoy it or go back to the same craptastic dating pattern you were in before.

Your choice.

Mama’s Boy – His Mom Is Ruining Our Relationship!

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My boyfriend is a mama’s boy and his mom is the third wheel in our relationship. She’s always making these crazy demands of him and he feels obligated because she is his mother. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like me or is afraid of losing him, etc. What can I do? It’s stressing both of us out!

What She Said:

In a nutshell, be supportive of your boyfriend without saying a disparaging word about his mother. It’s similar to that slippery slope of slagging on a friend’s bad boyfriend. If they break up, she might try to place the blame on you for being vocal about his behavior. If they stay together, you’re the jerk that talked s*@t about her man. It’s not fair, but this one has never been a win/win situation.

Stand Up For Your Man

The trick here is to let your boyfriend know that you’re on his side. Let him vent, if he so chooses. You want him to know that he can trust you and that you’re there to help as much as you can. On the flip side, the unhealthy dynamic is between the two of them so, whatever you do, don’t get in the middle.

A trained therapist or mediator might be able to fix things; you will not. Plus, you could risk putting your relationship in jeopardy – especially if this is someone you’d consider getting married. You don’t want to walk down the aisle hauling a bunch of baggage with your potential mother-in-law before you’ve even cut the cake.

Where To Draw The Line

Do what you can to help point out healthy boundaries to your beau. He can still talk to his mom without accepting the guilt trips. He should also learn the importance of separating his mood from his interactions with mom. He can’t control his mother, but he can control how he reacts to her.

It sounds like your boyfriend would benefit from individual counseling in order to gain some additional coping skills. These two have been emotionally intertwined for a while and he might need someone detached from the situation to help him sort it out.

The bond between the two of you should be a source of strength for him. Let him know that you love him and gently point out that you’re his partner – you’re one of the bright spots in his life, not the dumping ground for ancillary stress.

What He Said:

That poor, poor bastard. He’s caught in between the two most important women in his life, and his world is being yanked in different directions. He’s probably stressed because he feels screwed no matter what he does. Not the kind of three way most men look forward to.

Is His Mom To Blame?

She may not like you, but probably it’s not about you, it’s about her and cutting the cord. It’s long over due, but she can’t pull the trigger. He’s not a baby anymore and he doesn’t really need her like he did when he was five. The baby bird has flown the nest and that’s really hard for her. She’s aware, but she’s been hellbent on preventing this moment for years, probably.

Then you show up. IF you and your man are committed, you will be in his life for a long time, and more importantly, you’ve bumped her down the totem pole. You are the most important woman in his life now and that’s not so hot with her. And she’s pissed.

Your Man Is Going To Have To Man Up

Basically your man is going to have to man up and lay down the law with her. He probably already knows this and he knows she’s not going to take it well. It will be nasty and painful, but hopefully she’ll get over it and return to normal soon.

How To Get Over A Nasty Breakup

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Going through a terrible breakup can affect you in so many different ways. If you were the person that did the dumping, you may feel guilt over hurting someone that you cared about. Perhaps you had to breakup because your S.O. did something to really hurt you, and so you’re upset that it had to come to this.

Examine Your Post Breakup Feelings

If you were the one who was dumped, you may have been taken by complete and terrible surprise. You could be reeling from the shock of things, wondering if you did something to bring on the breakup or not. If you believed that this particular person was the one, many of your core relationship beliefs could be quite shaken.

You may be wondering how you could’ve wrongly thought you chose the right person. You might even be questioning your ability to trust people again. If you fixate on all of this, you can easily spin into a downward spiral of loneliness and depression. You owe it to yourself not to let that happen. Do your stint of grieving, and then do your best to move forward.

Give Yourself Time To Grieve

No one will blame you for wanting to camp out at home eating ice cream and throwing back a drink or two post-breakup. Give yourself a couple of weeks to indulge in your sorrows, and then start trying to move on. Activate your support system. Your friends and family love you, and they will be happy to help comfort you in a time like this. Surround yourself with people that you know will cheer you up, and you’ll be reminded that you’re a person worth caring about. They’re not going to judge you if you need to cry, sulk or even set up a dart board with your ex’s face on it.

Get Some Support

Ask one or two specific friends to be your breakup point people. You know how people who are in AA have a sponsor? If they feel like they might go get a drink and fall off the wagon, they reach out to their sponsor and that person gets them through their rough spot. You breakup point person or people should do the same thing for you.

If you’re tempted to do something that will only make things worse, they will help come to your rescue. Thinking of calling your ex and trying to get your ex back? Call your breakup point person instead. If you’re contemplating driving by your ex’s place, consult your breakup point person first. They’ll help talk you out of it.

Getting Some Fresh Air

The other key to breakup recovery is that you’ve got to get out of your house. You might have to drag yourself off the couch, but once you’ve left the house, you’ll be surprised at how nice it is to get out there. Just being out and about running errands can be enough to remind you that life goes on, even after a particularly awful breakup.

You should also try throwing your energy into other areas of your life. Maybe you’re not exactly kicking butt in the romance arena, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a superstar at work. Try finding a new hobby, too. This works particularly well if there is something you’ve been wanting to try, but put off doing because of your now-ex.

For example, if you wanted to start taking Spanish lessons, but you were saving the money you could’ve spent on classes for a vacation with your S.O., sign up for a class. You’ll be learning something new that interests you and sticking it to your ex all in one. You might even meet someone new in your lessons. Distracting yourself with new hobbies and your friends’ help will have you smiling again in no time. Just don’t let negativity drag you down, and you’ll be feeling a lot better before you know it.

What To Do If You Find Yourself In A Controlling Relationship

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Relationships are often all smiles and happiness in the beginning, but after spending some time together and becoming more comfortable with each other, your partner may start to get a little controlling. What do you do if your significant other is trying to change you or control the way you act or dress? Why are they doing it and what can you do about it?

Question: What do you in a controlling relationship? My girlfriend told me I had to change to fit her after over a month in a relationship. It’s like she wants me to get my pretty boy swagg on or its over!

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXkgd7KrVDA[/youtube]

You May Have Acted Or Dressed Differently When You Started Dating

When people begin dating someone, they tend to want to make a good first impression. You may have worn nicer clothes, styled your hair, put on cologne or even acted a little differently when you first started dating your girlfriend, but now that the relationship has progressed, you have relaxed a little bit in how you put yourself together.

This is a natural development in relationships as two people get more comfortable with each other, but the caveat here is that your partner may have been more attracted to the person she met when you two began dating. This may become an issue in your relationship, because your girlfriend may feel like you’re not who you said you were. You can either step up and be that person, or you can move on and connect with someone else by showing her the real you.

She May Have Been More Forgiving Of You In The Beginning

Another thing that people do when they first start dating each other is they tend to be a little more forgiving of their partners’ faults and the things they do that are annoying or frustrating. You may be dressing and acting the same as you were in the beginning of the relationship, but your girlfriend may have held her tongue about what she didn’t like about you, or she may not have noticed at all.

As she became more comfortable with you, she felt more comfortable telling you about the things you do that annoy her or bother her, such as the way you dress or put yourself together. Unfortunately though, unless you’re okay with hearing all about your faults all the time, you might be headed for a break up.

She May Have Thought Of You As A “Fixer Upper”

Women love to “fix” their men. It’s a fact of life. Your girlfriend may have started dating you with the idea that she would “fix” what she didn’t like about you to make you fit her idea of a “good boyfriend.” While this is something that many women do, it can definitely lead to relationship problems. It’s definitely not fair to you for your partner to go into the relationship thinking she can “fix you up” into someone she feels is appropriate for her lifestyle. Not cool!

You Deserve To Be Loved For Who You Are

No matter who you are, what you look like or how you act or dress, you deserved to be loved for who you are – quirks, faults and all. Don’t think that because a woman wants to control or change you that you have to go along with it. If you are comfortable and happy being who you are, find someone who will love that person as much as you love yourself.

That said, if your significant other is pointing out faults and flaws that need to be changed for you to be a better person – such as dealing with intense anger issues or drug or alcohol abuse – you may want to listen to what she has to say. Ultimately though, it’s your decision to change and better yourself and that can only happen when and if you’re ready.

Be Honest With Her

Whether you want to try to work the relationship out or simply want to move on, be honest with your partner about how you feel and why you feel the way you do. Be careful not to be critical of her, but let her know how much it hurts you to feel like she’s trying to turn you into someone you’re not.

Let your significant other know that you’re not going to change who you are for them and they need to accept you “as is” with all of your faults and quirks – because they have faults too! No one is perfect! If they’re not on board, it’s time to move on to someone who will love and accept you with no questions asked.

Q&A: Cyber Sex And Sexting – Is It OK?

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Cyber sex and sexting is something that can easily come between you and your partner if you let it. With the advances in technology and how much time people spend on the Internet, it’s nothing for guys or girls to get online and start chatting with friends that are both new and old. However, when does it cross the line? When does it go from being okay to going too far? Here’s how to decide where to draw the line in your relationship.

I was just wondering your take on cyber sex and ‘texting’? I have received lots of different advice on the subject and what people think of it and so far everyone has a different take. The reason I ask is that I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of over 2 years has had a regular habit of jumping online and exploring.

Normally I would be open minded about these types of things, I know it’s considered by some just a form of masturbation, but I have discovered that some of these women are not anonymous and are actual acquaintances of his and mine. I know nothing physical has occurred. I have confronted him, we went through a very rough patch but have essentially worked out our relationship and he has (to my knowledge) halted his habits and seems more devoted to me than ever.

However, the images and messages I came across are still haunting me. What should I do?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Kd7IUFxXbQ[/youtube]

Establish Boundaries In Your Relationship

The first step to making sure cyber sex doesn’t throw a curveball to your relationship is to establish boundaries within that relationship. First, decide for yourself what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. Be really clear in your own mind about what makes you uncomfortable so that going forward, you can express to your partner what you feel is fine and what isn’t going to work. Figure out what your own personal jealousy triggers are.

When communicating with your partner about cyber sex, don’t approach them and say, “You can’t do this.” It will only serve to set them off and make them feel like you’re smothering or controlling them. But it is acceptable to say, “This makes me uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if you would stop. This is what I need to continue being in this relationship.” Don’t be afraid to be specific and say, “I’m comfortable with harmless flirting, but after that is where I draw the line.” If your partner truly cares about you and your feelings, they’re going to honor your request to avoid cyber sex.

When It Becomes Cheating

Before you established boundaries in your relationship when it comes to cyber sex and what is okay and what isn’t, it’s likely that your partner didn’t know what upset you or made you uncomfortable and didn’t even know he was doing anything wrong. He may have thought that talking about sex was okay, as long as he didn’t mention having sex with her or describing specific actions like giving her oral sex, etc. If certain things are off limits, it’s important to be specific about what exactly is and isn’t acceptable to you.

If he fails to operate within the boundaries that you’ve established for the relationship, that’s when it crosses the line and becomes cheating. If he’s aware of what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t, but continues to have cyber sex in a way that you’ve already communicated to him is not okay, he’s cheating.

Is It A Deal Breaker?

If he’s crossed the line when it comes to cyber sex, it’s up to you to decide whether what he’s done is a deal breaker or not. If you’re not okay with him having cyber sex and he continues to do it (even after you’ve expressed how uncomfortable it makes you and how much it hurts you), it’s time to decide whether the relationship is something that you want to continue to be in. If he continues to have cyber sex after you’ve discussed it with him, it’s unlikely he will ever change no matter how much time you give him.

If it’s not a deal breaker, that’s okay too. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is or isn’t a big deal, because only you can make that decision yourself. He may try to tell you that it isn’t a big deal, but if it is to you, that’s what is important. If it’s not a big deal, your friends may try to convince you that it is. However you feel about the cyber sex situation is what is important and no one else can decide how you feel and what you want to do about it except for you.