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How to Resolve Relationship Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

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When you’re in a relationship with another person and you spend all, or most, of your time with that person, there are going to be things about them that you don’t like. In fact, they may even have some quirks that drive you absolutely insane!

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could bring up those concerns without it sounding like you’re nagging and without it turning into a full blown argument?

Here are some really great tips and suggestions that will help you talk about the things that drive you crazy without offending your partner and ruining a perfectly good day.

How to Resolve Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

by Marianne Torrence, Trainer and Facilitator

You’ve read all about the #1 relationship mistake – putdowns or making your partner feel wrong or belittled.

It’s pretty obvious that is not going to help a relationship, but what happens if your partner is doing something that really upsets you and they have no idea that it’s happening? Do you have to just put up with it and keep quiet?

After all, if you mention it it’s going to seem like a putdown, right?

Well, actually, not necessarily. This is where you have to learn some skills, how to introduce the subject, warn your partner that there’s something that’s on your mind, and ask for them to be able to hear you out, if possible without reacting.

Sound like a tall order, right? Maybe. A lot of this depends on your partner’s self-esteem and ability to understand that YOU having a problem with something they are doing doesn’t mean they are wrong for doing it. It simply means that YOU have a problem with it. Period.

So another point – if you have managed to bring up this undisclosed issue and get it off your chest without causing an upset, it’s wise to not then get into trying to get them to change it. Because often just the fact of communicating it and getting it heard, understood and acknowledged can not only make it less of an upset or concern for you, but may bring about in your partner a willingness to change whatever it is or at least consider it. Especially if they don’t feel put down by the way you brought it up.

Obviously a lot depends on the magnitude of what your partner was doing that was getting you upset. There’s a fairly substantial difference between leaving the cap off the toothpaste and spending every night at the pub with the boys.

There is also a major distinction between complaining about something constantly – a.k.a. nagging – and bringing it up once as an issue to be communicated and looked at.

The fundamental of being able to deal with these issues is to establish some procedures and agreements for communicating about potentially disturbing or “hot” topics. One of the best ways to do this is to create a “frame” or “introduction” to be used to signal you have an issue to discuss that may be challenging or difficult to face.

Phrases that can work can go something like this…

“Have you got some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

“I have something that’s been bothering me and I would like to be able to talk about it to you without making you feel wrong. Do you feel up to listening right now?”

When you communicate the upset, take responsibility for it by phrasing it from your own perspective, not directed at your partner.  E.g. “I find that I feel upset when I see you _________”, “My feelings get hurt when I notice ________ .”  “It’s been seeming to me like you tend to ignore our daughter when she tries to tell you something, and I’d like to know if you feel that is happening, maybe you can help me understand what you feel is going on.”

Now, a lot of this depends on what sort of person your partner is. If you are with someone who under no circumstances can entertain the slightest hint that anything they do could possibly be improved, or is anything less than perfect, well, you’ve got troubles. (It is always EXTREMELY smart to make sure before you get into a relationship that the someone you have got your eye on is actually someone who is willing to correct mistakes and learn from them, and understands that no one does anything perfectly the first time.)

But if you have a reasonably confident well-balanced partner you should find no difficulty in establishing some ground rules as above to allow you to communicate about differences in viewpoint without starting a war. Just make sure it starts with an agreed on frame of reference so your partner is aware it’s “sort-out time” coming up.

And as much as possible make sure they are in a position to give you their undivided attention, with sufficient time to complete the discussion, before you launch into it. Five minutes before you leave to go to a party is probably not a good time!

Remember one of the vital points on this, when discussing your issue, leave out the word “you” as much as possible. Keep it to how YOU feel about whatever it is. Not what they did or said but the reaction of feeling you had about it. The word “you” can very easily sound accusative and become accusative.

And be as specific as possible about what is upsetting you. “I feel upset because you always burn the dinner” is not workable if it’s an exaggeration and therefore untrue! “I got upset when you burned the dinner twice last week and I wondered if there’s some way I can help you so that doesn’t happen” would provoke less reaction than the first statement.

Practice this if you need to. Even in front of the mirror. If you have old habits maybe ingrained from copying parents or from earlier relationships it may take some work – but it’s worth it –much less stressful!

There’s another much deeper secret about all this but it will have to wait for another article, this is enough for now.

Marianne Torrence is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

Help – My Overactive Sex Drive is Killing My Marriage!

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Are you a man with an overactive sex drive?

With all of the Viagra and Cialis commmercials, you might think that men just can’t get it up any more, but that’s not always the case.

There are many married men, and men in relationships, who just can’t get enough. This can be a real issue if your partner is not sexually matched with you.

So what do you do if you find yourself in this situation? Here are some great ideas to help you, and your partner, enjoy sex fully.

The Question

I know there are a lot of people who wish they had this problem… I wonder if there is any way my body is over producing sex hormones. I am 52 years old, not 19, and my sex drive is beyond explaining.

I am very healthy and work out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym, and want sex ALL the time. You guys crossed anything like this before?

And yes, I am married and way over sexed for my wife.

The Answer

Wow! I bet there are a lot of guys who WISH they had your sex drive – at least if all the male sexual enhancement drug commercials are any indication. While I can’t speak to what is a normal sex drive and what is not, here are some ideas to help you find a workable solution for you and your wife.

Find a solution together with your wife, not alone

Regardless of which way you go with this, the most important thing is to be vary open and honest with your wife about how you feel, what you’re experiencing, what your needs are, and your feelings toward her.

Don’t be judgmental or make her feel inadequate in any way. That can only go bad.

She has to know that you still love her just as much, but you have some very strong sexual needs that aren’t being met.

Explaining to her how you truly feel and what your situation is should hopefully gain some understanding and empathy from her. This of course depends on how open and up-front your relationship is. We share everything, and discuss all of our issues and concerns together. Most couples don’t, and that’s reflected in the 50%+ divorce rate. Open and honest communication is crucial to a happy relationship.

There are several ways that you can go with this…

Your options for great sex AND a happy relationship

Here are the options I see. Each has advantages and disadvantages, but one will hopefully resonate with you.

  • Ignore the problem until it eats away more and more at your relationship with your wife and you end up cheating on her. (not the recommended approach)
  • Try alternative remedies to harness and better control your sexual energy
  • Try supplements or other alternative remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive
  • Bring someone else into the picture to satisfy your sexual needs. Yes, with your wife’s consent – that’s the only way that can work.

Ignore the problem and go on the way you are today

This is the option most people choose, at least at first. The problem is that when you ignore an important issue, it just festers and boils up until it explodes. Not a good thing. You’re better off resolving or coming to terms with the issue up front, rather than than letting it get worse by ignoring it.

Remedies to harness and control your sexual energy

This is my first choice for a solution to your problem. There are many books out there on ways to better understand your sexual energy and that teach you how to harness and even redirect this energy in positive and productive ways. Our sexual energy is the core of our being and taking medications or supplements to reduce this energy just can’t be a good thing in my opinion.

Many people hesitate to read books about sex because they feel like they should know all by now… “What will my friends say?”, “How will my partner react?” These are just some of the questions that keep people from learning about sex.

We read as many books as we can get our hands on about all kinds of topics – especially sex. So, check out our Amazon store for some of our favorite books and start reading – when you stop learning, your brain dies – literally. Don’t let that happen to you.

Sex can be such a wonderful and joyous experience, and so many people worldwide wish they could experience it more fully. Here are some great books to help you both start enjoying sex to the fullest extent possible.

Remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive

If you’re not open to the option above, then you can talk to your doctor about medications or natural supplements that can help reduce your sex drive or increase your wife’s sex drive. I recommend the natural approach whenever possible.

Tread lightly when talking to your wife about taking actions to increase her sex drive – she may not want to. But if she is open to the idea, then that’s wonderful. Just remember to stay clear of the idea that she’s not pleasing you, because that is guaranteed to get emotional.

Regardless, be sure to see your doctor before starting any medical or herbal treatment.

Bring someone else into your bedroom to satisfy your sexual needs

There is always the option of inviting another person in to your life just for the purpose of fulfilling your sexual desires. This of course, will depend of your relationship with your wife and you personal belief system.

This is an interesting option that may or may not be acceptable to your wife…

Strict monogamy is the popular norm in our culture, but not so in many other cultures around the world, today and throughout history. In fact, many will argue it goes against our very nature and instincts as human beings to be completely monogamous to a single partner. But all that aside, your wife has to feel the same way, or it’s game over. 🙂

Swinging, Polyamory, and Open Relationships are actually much more common than you might think. We recently ran a poll to see exactly how our readers feel about Swinging and Polyamory.

We asked: “Would you ever consider swinging or polyamory?” More than 3500 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you…

Check out the results here: Sex Poll Results – The Surprising Verdict on Swinging and Polyamory!

There are many options today for finding a woman to have sex with you, or with both you and your wife.

Aside from swinger clubs (which can be very hit or miss), your best bet is probably with an adult dating site like  Adult Friend Finder which has tens of millions of members looking for sexual relationships. We often recommend this site because it’s one of the biggest and most popluar on the internet.

While the focus is on having a threesome, there is some very good advice on how to make your partner feel comfortable in this type of situation.

When you’re talking about bringing another person into your relationship it’s very important to prevent the jealousy monster from rearing its ugly head by making sure that your wife knows how much you love and desire her first and foremost and that no one can ever come between the two of you.

In Summary

Ignoring the issue is not a possible solution! Address the issue now by talking openly and honestly with your wife about the possible options.

  • Try alternative remedies to harness and better control your sexual energy
  • Try supplements or other alternative remedies to lower your sex drive or increase your wifes sex drive
  • Bring someone else into the picture to satisfy your sexual needs

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

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Have you ever been in one of those relationship “discussions” – read: arguments – with your partner that for no reason seems to escalate out of control and when it’s all over, you’re sitting there in a daze wondering what happened?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these “discussions” from spiraling out of control.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy.  We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them.  Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits.  Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless.  It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change.  Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard.  To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about.  I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset.  Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level.  Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position.  Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight.  But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy. We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

Sara:  John, you said you were going to be here at 8, and when you didn’t get here or even call, I got worried. Then I felt hurt and like I don’t matter to you.  Can you tell me what was going on with you?

John: My being late was unavoidable.  My boss called a last minute meeting because sales are down and it ran over, then I had to go by my mothers to help her with her car and I lost track of time.  To be honest, I knew you would be mad that I was late and I just couldn’t deal with it right then, I was too stressed.  I know it must have hurt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I am sorry.

Sara: (Crying) You were afraid I would be mad? Of course I was mad. You let me down. But I can see that if you were stressed you wouldn’t want to face it right then, I am sorry my anger makes it hard for you to talk to me. I’ll work on that.

Obviously, “Sara” and “John” are able to be really respectful, honest, and not reactive.  It’s really hard to not be reactive when we have been hurt. But taking the time to find out what is going on with our partner (using whatever words we can muster) allows us to step back and see them as a human being, with problems and issues of their own, and not merely our offender.

To do this we have to be able to do something called “Containment”.  Containment is where we hold back on expressing our reactions to something before hearing the other person out.  We listen thoroughly to what is really going on before we respond.  This allows us to get the whole story and the feelings behind it before saying our piece.  Containment is a skill that has to be learned consciously and requires attention and intention to accomplish, but it can be done, and it’s so worth it.

The next time you are caught up in one of those crazy making discussions, try this. Shut up, contain your reactions, listen, and then start “mirroring” your partner and ask them to tell you more.  Mirroring is when you say back to your partner what you are hearing them say, it’s not parroting them word for word, but summarizing and re-phrasing what you have heard, then checking it out, “Did I get that right?” or “Is that right?” As you ask for more, say, “Is there anything else?”, “What else”, “What else can you tell me about it?” or “Is there more?”  When they have said all they can say about it, see if you can find something in what they have said to empathize with, even if you don’t agree with them, before you respond.

Most of the time, once you have fully heard your partner out, your reaction will be quite different than it was initially.  Suddenly our defensiveness is down and we have a chance to respond to our partner with ownership of our part, empathy for what they are going through and respect for who they are.

Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?

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Ponder this question for a moment…

Society teaches us that it is wrong to love two men at the same time, or two women for that matter.

At the same time we are taught to love everyone in our family unconditionally.

Is it because that love is not sexual in nature?

Why isn’t is possible, or should I say, why are we taught that it’s wrong to love more than one person romantically and to be sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time?

Think about this while you read this question and our answer…

The Question

I am in love with two men. Both say they love me and eventually want to marry me.

One is my best friend, the person I feel I can talk to about anything, and the person who has always been there for me and who I can communicate with and makes me laugh. However, I am not sexually attracted to him, although I love him and enjoy intimacy other than sexual intimacy. Also in order to have children we will need to have IVF to prevent a genetic disorder, which will mean suffering for me.

The other is not my best friend. We have trouble communicating and he is always running around with his many friends rather than spending quiet time with me at home, although he can be very romantic and loving. However I am incredibly sexually attracted to him and love him, and also I would be able to conceive with him naturally without IVF.

I am confused. I have tried looking inside my heart to determine who I love more…but that doesn’t work as I love them both for different reasons and for different qualities. I have tried writing up a list of things I like and don’t like about both of them but this doesn’t work either. I need to make a decision as I am hurting myself and them. I am scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later when I realize I chose the wrong person.

My question I suppose is, is it better to marry my best friend even though I don’t desire to have sex with him, as I know that communication will always be easy with him, and will not something that we have to work at. Also I know he will always be there for me, never betray me to his friends, always understand or try to understand my views, and spend more time at home with me instead of constantly going out every night. I suppose my problem here is that sex is an important part of marriage and I am scared I just wont want to do it as often as him as I don’t desire it, which will mean his needs as well as my needs will not be met, and will hurt the relationship.

Or is it better to marry someone who you are incredibly sexually attracted to since sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, and work on the communication, even if it means always having issues that you will have to work hard to resolve because communication between you is something that has never come easily and will require a lot of work because you are each on different wavelengths?

In a way I wish I could put guy #1’s personality in guy #2’s body, then I would have the perfect mate. I just don’t know what to do. I truly love them both, for different reasons. I just don’t know what I should give more importance to in helping me make my decision. I suppose that another resolution would be that since I don’t know who I love more, I would choose that person who loves ME more. In that way I could be more sure about making the right decision. Both have done things to hurt me, and both have done things to show me they love me, albeit in very different ways….so I really don’t know how to get that answer either.

I just want to do the right thing. I have had ample time to think about this and time hasn’t helped, in fact it has gone on too long. Please help me.

Confused Sarah

The answer to Sarah’s question…

The Answer

Communication and friendship are critical for a long term relationship.

Sex alone is not enough and how can the sex stay good if you are not able to talk to one another?

Having said that, if you’re not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason, how can you possibly expect to have a romantic relationship with them?

You are in a difficult situation.

Have you considered that neither of these guys are ‘marriage’ material?

Our society is so hung up on locking in that interest rate and getting married before all of the good ones are gone. It is possible to have a long term relationship without getting married.

What’s the rush? Are either of these guys pushing the issue?

It sounds like you’re still young. There’s absolutely no need to rush into marriage and family. As long as you’re open with both guys, there’s nothing wrong with dating both of them… Assuming they’ll go for it.

Take your time, relax a little bit, and stop ‘planning’ your future and try enjoying today for a little while. Don’t worry so much about who you need to marry and have kids with, unless of course your’ e ready to do those things right now, today, this minute.

I can’t decide for you which of these guys will make the best husband for you because if he’s willing to work on it with you, you can correct your communication issues with guy #2 (will most likely take the assistance of a counselor). You can also, work on the sexual pleasure issues with guy number #1 (there are counselors for this too).

The animal magnetism that you spoke of with guy #2 will most likely fade after a few years when that initial relationship high wears off.  His body definitely will not last forever…  Will you still be attracted to him if he puts on 20 pounds and stops running around everywhere? Where do you go if you can’t talk about sex and your changing wants and needs?

And his running around with his friends will probably get old, sooner than later. Not a good thing. Just remember you can’t change people, they change only if and when they’re ready.

I lean to guy #1 as the best long term choice, but if you’re absolutely not physically attracted to him, it won’t work. At the same time, if you can’t resolve the communication issues with guy #2, that won’t work either…

In Summary

  • It could be that neither one of these men is “the one” for you long term.
  • Live your for life today, not only for the future.
  • Why the strong rush to marry one of them right away? Maybe you should hold off until you feel the right time to marry “the right man” comes. There’s absolutely no need to rush into marriage and family.

I have to say I’m completely stumped on which one you should choose, if you should even choose one of them… I could pretend that I know exactly what you should do, but I refuse to lie to you and give you advice that I wouldn’t give my best friend.

Hopefully, however I have raised some new questions in your mind that will help you make the best decision for you.

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Are You Sure?

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Jealousy… Anger… Fear… Frustration… Confusion…;

These are the most common first emotions when you first suspect your partner of Cheating.

Do you think your partner may be cheating on YOU?

Do you trust your partner completely and think there’s absolutely no way they would ever cheat?

Well, think again…

More people than ever before, thanks to the internet, are cheating on their partners.

With online dating sites, social networking sites, video chat rooms, email and instant messengers, it’s easier than ever to meet someone, have an affair – and get away with it.

Check out these really scary statistics from CheaterCheckers.com.

  • 1 in 2 people in a relationship cheat on their partner
  • 9 out of 10 women who feel their partner is cheating are correct
  • 50% of men who feel their partner is cheating are correct
  • 57% of women cheat on their partner
  • 3 in 4 married men cheat on their partner
  • 2 out of 3 people being cheated on never find out

If you’re like me, you know that people cheat, but those numbers are much, much, much higher than I ever would have guessed.

Now if you know Dan and me very well, you know that we don’t believe in the whole partner ownership thing.

However, if you have made an agreement with someone to stay completely monogamous (Yes, you actually talked about it. Not just ‘assumed’ that’s how it would be.), and then you go behind your partner’s back with another person – that’s lying and you’ve broken the trust between you and your partner.

Without trust, you cannot have a truly intimate and loving relationship.

Our thoughts are that if you really find another person incredibly attractive and it will bring you joy to have sex with them – talk to your partner about it and if it seems like a good thing to do and both of you are OK with it, then go for it.

Again, we don’t subscribe to the whole ownership and jealousy thing. You cannot own another person, and if you really love them unconditionally, you will want them to do whatever brings them joy and happiness.

Unconditional Love means that you place no conditions on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) as to how they must behave, or who they must be, in order to receive love and acceptance from you.

Here’s a great article and another perspective on unconditional love from Roy Klienwachter, author of several books and hundreds of articles on the subjects of New Age Philosophy and Spirituality.

"What Does Unconditional Love Really Mean?"

What we find most of the time is that when we are attracted to another person, it’s mostly the thrill of the chase…

Talking about it openly with your partner will very often diminish the perceived excitement of the other person because suddenly it’s no longer taboo or forbidden. Also, we’ve found that if you talk about what you find exciting about the other person, you may both get so aroused you’ll have the best sex you’ve had in months.

If of course, you can get past the whole jealousy ownership thing…

Trust me, it’s better to just to be open and honest with each other.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.