Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for sex tips

5 Ways to Turn Your Bedroom Into a Sex Magnet

By

Normally when people decorate their bedroom, they focus on making it a good place to sleep. After all, that’s what it’s for.

But as you probably know, the bedroom is also the number one place couples head to when they want to have sex.

Regardless of whether it’s the first time or the thousandth you’ve seen it, the atmosphere of your bedroom will either add to or detract from your sexual experience.

So making your bedroom into a space that is comfortable, unique, and inviting is one of the easiest and best things you could possibly do for your sex life. This is true for both men and women (though in general women tend to pay more attention to their surroundings during sex than men).

5 Ways to Make Your Bedroom a Sex Magnet

1) You’re a Grown Up – Decorate Like One

You’re not in college, and your bedroom is not in a dormitory! Movie posters plastered to your walls with tape will not impress anyone anymore.

It’s time to decorate like a grown up, and that means getting real furniture (not necessarily expensive furniture, but no blow up chairs either!).

Choose things that reflect your personal style and actually go well together. Coordinate. Pick out colors that make you feel relaxed and sexy.

For some people, bold colors like reds and oranges wake up their senses, as well as their libidos. For others dark, rich colors like chocolate brown and burgundy do the trick.

If you share your bedroom with your lover, be sure to do this part together. You want your bedroom to feel like a little sanctuary away from the rest of the world, away from everything that causes stress in your lives.

It should make you want to open up and connect to each other, especially during difficult times when sex lives become notorious for their vanishing acts!

2) Make Your Bed as Inviting as Possible

Plush comforters, soft pillows, and high-quality sheets will go a long way toward getting you both in bed. Haven’t you ever seen a bed (maybe on display in a store or in a picture) that looked so warm and delicious you just wanted to sink into it and never come out?

That’s how you should feel every time you see your own bed.

It may seem silly at first to splurge on something like Egyptian cotton sheets, but trust me, once your naked self feels how glorious is it to be sandwiched between your warm lover and those silky sheets, you won’t think twice about getting another set or two.

3) Keep it Clean

Even if the rest of your house is a mess and weekly cleanings are a laughable part of your schedule, keep your bedroom tidy for the sake of your sex life.

No one wants to sleep with someone whose room is a disaster – including your own husband or wife.

Not that your bed has to always be wrinkle-free, but there shouldn’t be dirty snack crumbs everywhere and yesterday’s socks on your pillow!

For special occasions, think about how your room smells.

Tuck an oil diffuser into a far corner (not directly beside the bed because the scent will be too strong!) and remember to use it when you’re preparing the room for your lover. Scent can be a huge turn on, and will help give your bedroom that “something extra”.

4) Add a Little Audio-Visual Stimulation

Although most sex advice books claim that putting a television in your bedroom automatically spells “doom and gloom” for your sex life – I disagree.

It all depends on what you decide to watch, and whether or not you watch it together.

Many of these advice books assume that couples watch TV as a way to avoid any real interaction with each other, so putting a television in the bedroom would certainly be the end of what ever sex life they might have otherwise had.

But if couples are actually using TV in this way, then they probably have bigger issues to deal with than whether or not a TV is in their bedroom.

For most couples, however, adding a television and DVD/CD player to their bedroom makes a very nice addition in terms of sex appeal. And if general TV watching is a problem, don’t get that particular TV hooked up to cable!

Instead, save the bedroom TV for watching “special” DVDs. Yes, this could be porn, but it could also be romantic or scary movies too. There are tons of movies that are perfect for getting you both in the mood. Don’t limit yourselves to the obvious ones.

Watch them cuddled up on the bed together, and just let things flow…

5) Make it Sexually Functional

The phrase “Hold on Honey, I have to go find the condoms” should never come out of your mouth – Never.

Everything that you could possibly want for your sexual adventures should be within easy reach of your bed. For this reason, a nightstand with storage space is a must.

Some sexual necessities that should be neatly stashed in one of your bed-side drawers are: condoms (if you use them), lubricant, breath mints, small sex toys (vibes, restraints, etc.), and a roll of toilet paper or tissues for easy clean up.

If you want to go the extra mile, keep a bottle of water in there as well.

Most people are thirsty after a good romp between the sheets, and having water available that doesn’t require a trip to the kitchen is always a welcomed luxury.

Also, the next time you’re in the market for a new bed, consider getting one with built-in drawers underneath. These drawers can be especially useful if you have larger sex toys, such as whips or floggers, that wouldn’t fit in a typical nightstand.

How ever you do it, the point is to make your bedroom a place of comfort and love. Having the “right” decorations and the “right” sheets won’t guarantee a great sex life, but if the potential for sex is already there, a well thought out room might just be the thing that seals the deal.

3 Quick Ways to Tell if You’re a Sexual Introvert

By

Just like your innate personality dictates whether or not you’re a “social butterfly” or a “shrinking violet“, the same is true for how you express your sexuality.

We’ve all heard the stereotypical tales of very reserved, shy people suddenly morphing into uncontrollable wildcats once the lights go out. Or seemingly confident, strong individuals turning into blushing, fumbling kittens in the heat of the moment.

Sexual introverts come in all varieties, and more often than not, it’s very difficult to spot them out. Someone who is sexually introverted may be very outgoing in other aspects of their lives, but tend to close themselves off when confronted with a sexual situation.

That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex, or don’t want sex, but that it’s more difficult for them to relax and to let go of their inhibitions than it is for sexual extraverts.

Being able to relax and to let go are crucial to a healthy and satisfactory sex life, so helping a sexual introvert feel secure enough to open themselves up in front of someone else is an important task for their lovers.

This is particularly true if both people in a relationship are sexually introverted, because neither may possess the necessary skills to “bring out” the other’s sexual side.

Knowing if you or your partner is a sexual introvert is often very helpful. It might be the explanation you’ve been looking for to a whole slew of seemingly “strange” sexual behaviors.

(For example, you may wonder why your partner loves to read steamy erotica before bed, but then refuses your sexual advances once you’re in bed!)

You Might Be a Sexual Introvert If:

1. You Think About Sex All the Time…

But rarely actually have it. Sexual introverts enjoy thinking about sex – a lot. In fact, for many it becomes an interesting preoccupation and lifelong curiosity. Often times they know much more about sex (its cultural history, the bodily mechanics, etc.) than do most people, but their knowledge comes from books, movies, and conversations with others rather than from real life experiences.

2. You’ve Read the Entire Kama Sutra…

But still use the missionary position every time. It’s true, you’ve probably memorized every picture, read every sexual technique book there is, and can recite passages from your favorite erotic novel. But when it comes to having actual, physical sex with your partner it’s always “the same old, same old”.

3. You Have Very Detailed Sexual Fantasies…

But are usually disappointed when (and if) you try to act upon them. Often the imagined sexual scenarios that sexual introverts create in their minds are more powerful than “real life” experiences for them.

This is by no means the fault of their lovers. It’s just that their fantasies are continuously perfected, like works of erotic art only they can see.

Because of this, real sex is often disappointing, and over time sexual introverts learn to go through the motions of sex in order to appease their partners rather than to satisfy their own sexual desires. That’s why sex with them can become so routine.

How to Spice Things Up if Your Partner is a Sexual Introvert

If you are a sexual introvert, or suspect your partner to be one, there are ways to make your boring and/or routine sex life more interesting and comfortable.

Assuming that you’ve already gained their trust, and have moved past their initial emotional barriers, the first thing you have to remember is how cerebral sexual introverts are about sex.

If you’re going to spice things up, it has to be done in an intelligent way. Don’t expect them to become our proverbial “wildcat” mentioned earlier just because you suggest trying a new position.

They’ve probably imagined what that position would feel like a thousand times, and unless you have something that surprises them out of their fantasies, they’ll stay firmly within their imaginations the entire time you‘re having sex.

And therein lies the key to unlocking their true sexual selves – Surprise!

You are not their fantasy. They aren’t controlling your every move, so use that to your advantage. Every time you do something that they’re not expecting, something they haven’t thought of before, it jolts them back to reality.

Carefully planned sexual rendezvous and little bits of added flare, like a vibrator hidden in the corner, or a sudden well-timed spank, can help them to appreciate the actual experience of having sex, rather than relying on their imaginations to turn them on.

Once out of their normal routines, those introverted sexual feelings are much more likely to come to the surface and to make their way into your real sex lives – Making both people a lot more sexually satisfied.

How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

By

It’s no secret, women are much more complicated to sexually satisfy than men.

For women, having an orgasm is a culmination of many different things all falling into place at just the right moment. Rather than being an automatic physical response to continued pleasurable sensations (like it is for most men), female orgasms are extremely connected to their thoughts, fantasies, and emotions.

She has to be relaxed and feel emotionally secure with her partner first in order for her body to respond positively to his ministrations.

Unfortunately trying to juggle all of these needs at the same time is difficult, even for the most caring and attentive lover…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months. We’ve been sexually active for about 4 months. She says it’s really good but she has never achieved an orgasm even with oral – long oral. She tells me that she gets short bursts of sensation but it never goes beyond that, no matter how long I go down on her.

I would just like her to experience an orgasm because I know it feels great!

–Francis, Cali

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jNrogPTLGo[/youtube]

How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

Wanting your girlfriend to be just as sexually satisfied as you are in the bedroom is a great goal. Many women out there wish their boyfriends cared enough about their sexual pleasure to be concerned with their lack of orgasms during lovemaking.

So if you’re in a similar situation, the first step to figuring out why your girlfriend is unable to orgasm during sex is to rule out the possibility of any physical problems that could be inhibiting her orgasms.

An easy way to find out is by asking her one simple question.

Does She Orgasm During Masturbation?

After you ask her, talk about it. If she says no, then why not give it a try together? It would be fun!

If her answer is yes, then it’s safe to assume her difficulties are more psychological or emotional in nature. One of the most common reasons why women can’t orgasm during sex is tension. This can be caused by embarrassment, general unease, or life-related stressors such as work.

Even something as simple as trying a new position could make her nervous and prevent her from relaxing enough to orgasm!

Make the Situation as Stress-Free as Possible

Don’t make her feel pressured. Remove the focus of your sex play from trying to make her have an orgasm, to just enjoying each other. It should be a light-hearted exploration process. This is particularly important when performing oral sex. In general, women become very self-conscious and worried about what their partner is thinking while he is “down there”.

Remember, the fastest way to get her to NOT have an orgasm is by wondering if she’s had one every two seconds.

You’re not supposed to be ticking off any mental check boxes, or worse, asking her “Did you do it yet?”

Orgasms Are About Giving Up Control

One of the hardest things to do is give up the control you have over your carefully crafted composure in the presence of someone else – and orgasms require you to do just that. Many women will allow themselves to enjoy the physical sensations of sex right up until the moment it begins to feel “too good”.

At this point, they either relax, give up control, and ride out the sensations to completion (typically to orgasm), or they shut themselves off from their own pleasure, retain control, and slip further away from orgasming.

It’s common for women to subconsciously do this without knowing why, or how to stop doing it. Essentially they are afraid of losing control, becoming vulnerable, and opening themselves up to getting emotionally hurt . This is why trust, love, and relaxation are critical elements to a fulfilling sexual partnership.

Communication is Key – Don’t Stop When She Says “Don’t Stop!”

Once she is relaxed and ready to give herself over to your amazing sexual technique, listen to what she tells you and do exactly that.

Often, it seems like just at the moment when everything is starting to feel “perfect” and her orgasm is right around the corner, the man will change his position, his rhythm, etc. and cause her to lose that gloriously “perfect” sensation.

Don’t solely rely on her words either to tell you what feels amazing and what doesn’t. Get to know your partner as a sexual being. Listen to her various moans, her quick intakes of breath, that little twitch in her ankle that lets you know when you’re on the right track.

Good communication encompasses much more than just words, it’s a whole body experience.

For more great orgasm technique tips, check out The Female Orgasm Black Book!

3 Reasons Why Married People Have Better Sex

By

It’s true, people who are married or in long term relationships continually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people who are single or dating.

The old belief that committing yourself to one person dooms you to a life of sexual monotony is wrong.

Rather than placing limits on your sexuality, the emotional environment created by long term relationships (LTRs) actually fosters a more varied, creative, and explorative sex life.

3 Reasons Why Sex is Better in a LTR

1. Greater Sexual Frequency

The most obvious reason why sex is potentially better in a committed relationship is the general availability of a sex partner. Unlike the dating phase, most people in LTRs end up living together, which means sharing their nightly beds as well as their daily lives. This closeness often gives rise to more opportunities for sexual contact.

Instead of having to make a date to get together, and then trying to seduce your date into your bed, he or she is already there!

To counter this point some argue that sex happens most frequently in the beginning stages of a relationship, so “serial daters” have more sex than those in LTRs. But this isn’t actually true.

On average married couples have sex once or twice a week, which may not seem like very much to someone who is in a “hot” new relationship and having sex three times a day. But remember, married couples have sex once or twice a week every week, all year long, for years!

And some LTR couples have much more sex than that. Of course the frequency of sex also depends on lifestyle changes such as children, stress levels, etc. But even after all of these things are accounted for, the average person in an LTR still has more sex in a given year than the average single person.

2. Easier Communication Means More Satisfying Sex

Couples who have lovingly and willingly committed themselves to each other share an emotional bond that is deepened by constant communication. They talk openly about everything – including their sexual likes and dislikes.

Once people are at the point in their relationships where they feel secure with their partners (knowing that ‘saying the wrong thing‘ won‘t jeopardize the relationship itself), they are much more willing to be upfront about what pleases them – and what doesn’t.

For example, it’s a lot easier to tell someone, “You know, I really don’t like it when you squeeze my thighs so hard during oral sex. It’s too distracting…” when you’ve been with them for a long time than when you’ve just started having sex together.

Said to someone in a stable relationship, the above admission will probably be received in a “Good to know, thanks for telling me” kind of way. But said to someone in the early stages of a relationship, the admission could be received offensively because the underlying emotional foundations of security that are needed to support sexual technique criticisms just aren’t there yet.

The open and consequence-free conversations that characterize LTRs usually lead to a very intimate understanding of what both partners sexually enjoy, making each sexual episode an opportunity for improvement.  

3. Trust Allows for Experimentation

Once all the talking is over, it’s much easier to put those communicated desires into action if both partners trust each other completely. Most sexual experimentation – from trying new positions to living out one’s wildest fetish fantasies – happen inside of LTRs.

Yes, there are instances when one partner refuses to do or try something the other partner would like, but usually couples are able to find compromises or alternatives. And once an activity is found that thrills them both, they can continue exploring it, and all its variations, to the fullest.

So the next time someone tries to convince you that marriage or commitment will ruin your sex life, remember all the reasons why this simply isn’t true. Healthy relationships are the best places to develop, explore, and deepen your own understanding of all the wonderful emotional and physical experiences sexuality has to offer.  

Featured Author, Rose Rivera has a Masters degree in Family and Sexuality Studies and is the founder of SpeakSexy.org, a website dedicated to keeping readers abreast of the latest sexuality trends in an intelligent, provocative, and erotic way. For more great sex tips be sure to sign up to Speak Sexy’s feed today!

He Knows I’m Faking It! What Should I Do?

By

Although we, as women, like to think of ourselves as Oscar winning actresses in the bedroom, the truth is we’re not!

And the number of sexually knowledgeable men out there is growing. They’re educated, well-read, and many have gained the amazing ability to spot our fake orgasmic performances every time.

(Un)fortunately for them, they’re usually good, caring men who pretend to believe our exaggerated moans in order to spare us the embarrassment of being caught in such a classic lie. The real problem then becomes how to tell us they know without hurting our feelings. Obviously this is an emotionally complicated conversation to bring up.

Just think about it. If he approaches the issue directly, you’ll probably react defensively and deny your pretended “O’s.“ If he approaches it indirectly, hoping you’ll confess, you’ll probably turn the conversation to something else rather than justify his obvious suspicions.

So if you believe your lover already knows you fake “it” and is not broaching the subject out of politeness, then the best thing you can do for your relationship is to make the first move toward clearing up the harmful unspoken questions he’s probably asking himself over and over again.

Questions such as, why are you faking it? Don’t you enjoy your sex together? Is there a physical problem he doesn’t know about? Have you ever had a real orgasm? What should he be doing differently to please you? Is the problem emotional? Should he be worried?

First, Understand Why You Do It

Sometimes women feel compelled to fake orgasms because it seems like the “right thing to do” in the moment without consciously understanding why. If you’re one of these women and you’re not exactly sure why you pretend to orgasm during sex, then this step should be an eye-opening part of the process.

Often the reasons are hidden in cultural expectations of what sex “should” be (ie – both people should orgasm at approximately the same time, sex is not fulfilling without an orgasm, if she doesn‘t orgasm it means she is not enjoying the sex, etc.), other times the reasons are more personal and related to the relationship dynamic itself.

Most Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

  • She believes other women orgasm during penetrative sex and doesn’t want to show her “inadequacy” of not being able to orgasm this way to her lover.
  • She is too shy to do what she knows will work in front of her lover (such as manual stimulation to her clitoris).
  • She believes her own orgasm will “take too long” in comparison to the amount of time it takes her lover to orgasm, so she fakes one at the appropriate time instead.
  • If she doesn’t orgasm she’s afraid her lover will take it personally and be offended.

Less Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

  • She’s never had an orgasm, even during masturbation, so she doesn’t understand what her body needs to achieve one.
  • She has a medical condition or is taking a medication that interferes with her ability to orgasm, but doesn‘t want to tell her lover about it or make a “big deal.”
  • She really does not enjoy sex with her lover (though this is rarely the case!).

Now That YOU Know Why You Do It, Tell Him

You’re pretty sure he already knows, so this part should go smoothly. Remember the point of this conversation is to be honest about your reasons for faking your orgasms, and to assuage his worst fears about your sex life. In all likelihood you are enjoying your sexual experiences with him, with or without an orgasm, so be sure to make a point of saying that right in the beginning.

Tell him about your embarrassments or your shyness to do certain things. Reassure him that you weren’t deliberately trying to make him feel uncertain about the quality of your sex life together. Once you’ve made your confession, both of you should feel very relieved that this collection of little lies is finally out in the open.

Moving Forward – No More Faking!

Although both of you should now understand why you’re not having real orgasms, the next step isn’t necessarily to begin a full-throttled crusade toward the big “O”. Instead, take a moment to assess any underlying issues that may need clarification, such as emotional trust and intimacy.

For example, why do you feel uncomfortable pleasuring yourself in front of him? Is having an orgasm honestly an important part of the sexual experience for you, or are you just as content not having one? It’s very common for women to report experiencing truly satisfying sex without having orgasms at all, but many of those same women feel pressured by societal expectations to have orgasms anyway (hence the prevalence of faking).

Because of this you and your lover should only begin to “fix” the “problem” if you believe sex would be more fulfilling for you with real orgasms. Otherwise it’s perfectly acceptable for you to continue having sex without them – As long as you don’t feel pressured by your lover or your culture, to fake them again!