sexual health – Page 3

How To Move Beyond Childhood Abuse And Have Healthier Relationships As An Adult

Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes. Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him. He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days. He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually. She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”. She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch. Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality. She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had. He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him. His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs. She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

How do you untangle a mess like this? Neither fully understands the other’s pain. Both are completely focused on their own needs and their own wounds. Hearing their story there are few of us that could not feel empathy for each of them; yet they don’t have it for each other.

While sorting out their wounds and re-discovering each other is not simple; the underlying process is really quite simple. Both “Jim’ and “Shannon” are wounded in complementary and remarkably similar ways.

Both have had their sexuality interfered with through their early childhood experiences. Both were taught erroneous things about their value as human beings and the meaning of the sexual act.

To survive, Shannon had to adapt to her environment by pretending that her needs don’t matter. So did Jim.

But their needs persisted. Meeting each other’s needs early in their relationship fit right in with their childhood patterns; but continued to require their ignoring their childhood needs.

This leaves both of them feeling like a victim to the other. Both fight in self-protective stances to get their needs met by the person they perceive of as the perpetrator of their pain.

Shannon’s well meaning therapist empathized with the horror of Shannon’s abuse and worked to protect Shannon from further pain by encouraging Shannon to avoid sex with her husband.

This attempt to rescue Shannon from her pain resulted in Jim being stuck in a situation that mimicked his mother’s rejection and perpetuated his touch deprivation.

Hearts are broken and marriages fail in this process of trying to rescue a survivor wife from a husband who, naturally, wants an active sex life.

The alternative?

Help both partners understand the dynamic between them. Teach each partner to experience and practice compassion for the other, as well as themselves. Help them to feel their fear of each other and to accept that fear as a part of the natural development of intimacy, not something to be avoided or disowned.

Encourage them to allow their own feelings to flow in the presence of the other and teach the other to accept and support each other’s pain, sorrow, and joy.

Encourage them to touch each other often in non-sexual ways. Encourage them to learn what healthy sexuality really is: a chance to experience each other fully and joyfully. The process may be painful and difficult; but the result is the ability to love and be loved.

How To Be A Good, Responsible Dad And Still Have Great Sex With Your Wife

By loveandsex

Can you really be a good husband AND a great lover?

Remember that she was your wife before she was ‘mom’.

Married couples and especially new parents often forget this very important fact. You were couple before you were parents.

Your biggest responsibility as parents is to love your children and provide a stable home.

You can’t do that if you’re divorced.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, we have a four year old son and 2 year old twins.

Money is kind of an issue, due to the fact that we are a single income family and I work nights.

How can I be romantic and achieve a romantic sex life, but not neglect our kids and responsibilities as parents? Thanks Greatly.

— Steven, Missouri

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMdNmRKnUGU[/youtube]

Make Time For Your Relationship First

I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re tired. You’ve had a really long day.

But it’s critical to your relationship whether it’s two weeks older 20 years old, to make time for one another and to nurture your relationship. Schedule some time to just be together, whether its first thing in the morning, a nice lunch, or some quite couple time before you drift off to sleep, couple time is very important.

It doesn’t make you bad parents if you get a babysitter once a week so that you and your partner can go out on a nice, intimate, romantic date. As a matter of fact, it may even make you better parents. Parents who actually stay together. Parents who are able to give fully to their children because they feel nurtured and loved as an individual.

Teach your children now what it means to be a well balanced individual. Don’t let them grow up thinking that they have to sacrifice everything to become parents. Just because that’s what your parents may have done, does not mean that’s what you have to do.

Also, don’t forget why you became a couple in the first place.

Remember the things that you used to say to one another and the things you used to do for one another when you first started dating…

Now start doing them again!

Remind Her How Sexy She Is To You

It’s really easy for a “mom” to start thinking of herself only as a mom and to forget that deep down in there somewhere is the sexy vicious woman that she used to be. It’s very important for a man to lead his woman note that he still thinks she’s sexy and that he still thinks of her as a wife and not just a mom.

Little things go a long way with women. Flirt with her. Let her know that you still think she’s attractive. Ask her out on a date – one that you planned to surprise her.

Don’t take your time together for granted. Treat every day with your wife as if it were the last day on earth. All we very have in life is this moment so live in the present. Not yesterday – it’s already gone. Not tomorrow – it may never come. Be the best partner and parent that you can possibly be – today.

Our best advice for a long term, successful relationship is to live it one day at a time. If you can say before you go to bed each night “I want to see you again tomorrow”, then you’re well on your way to a life long relationship.

How Your Actions Outside The Bedroom Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

By melody

I have a little experience with bad sex. I’ve been married three times. This last one took. To tell you the truth my first two husbands would say my current husband was lying if he told them how often and how amazing our sex life is.

Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?

By loveandsex

Anal sex… Some people love it. Some people are disgusted by the mere mention of it.

So is it really a special treat, or a very dangerous game that should be avoided at all costs?

The answer depends on who you ask and what their sexual preferences are. It’s not your place to judge another person nor is it another person’s right to judge your sexual preferences.

Here’s a question from a couple who watched an episode of “Talk Sex” with Sue Johanson. They’re wondering if we agree with her take on anal sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your videos on YouTube and I wanted to explore a bit more one subject. My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but she recently saw a episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. In this episode she mentioned of all the bad things that can happen if one is to have anal sex.

Our question is the following: Will having anal sex about once, twice or even 3 times a month, with lube and no pain still lead to these problems? Is it eminent like cigarettes give you breathing problems? or possible like walking and twisting an ankle? Thanks, keep up the good work!

— Domenic, California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMDDOXDn_8E[/youtube]

Is Having Anal Sex Dangerous?

Like all things, there are risks associated with having anal sex that must be considered and weighed against the pleasure and intimacy that many couples experience while engaging in this type of sex play.

Sue Johanson has written a really great article on the things to watch out for if you are going to have anal sex.

Check out her full article here.

In her article, Sue mentions many problems that could possible occur during anal sex.

Possible Complications Caused By Having Anal Sex

First, understand your anatomy. At the lower end of the bowel, there are two distinct circular bands of muscles called sphincters, one is located about an 1 ½ inches above the other. These clamp down tight to prevent the passage of feces or gas.

The mucous membrane which lines the rectum is not as heavy as the lining of the vagina, so it can tear quite easily, and it does not heal as quickly as the inner walls of the vagina. Because feces, loaded with bacteria, pass through the rectum any tears in the mucous membrane are vulnerable to infection.

The vigorous thrusting that may occur during anal intercourse can tear the mucous membrane.

What Can Happen If The Membrane Tears?

Tears in the mucous membrane of the rectum can develop into anal abscesses that can become infected.

Also, if your partner has any sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), then you could get infected through these tears.

Examples of sexually transmitted infections are: gonorrhea (treatable); venereal warts (treatable if external, difficult if up in the rectum); syphilis (treatable); herpes (treatment, no cure); yeast infection (treatable); and HIV and AIDS (treatment but no cure).

You do not want any of these STI’s.

Should You Have Anal Sex Anyway?

Well, according to Sue, the best prevention is to not go there at all!

But if you do decide to try anal sex, she suggests that both you and your partner talk about it and agree on the following points. And we absolutely agree with everything she says in this list.

Your partner must be very, very gentle, absolutely no forced penetration and no vigorous thrusting.
You must use lots and lots of good lubrication, (anal lube, not saliva).
Your partner must use a condom…all the time, every time.
Your partner must respect “stop”. If you say ouch, or it hurts, or No or quit… they must stop immediately.
It must be understood, if you do not want to have anal sex again, there will be no pressure, no threats and no pleading. NO means NO.
Use a well-lubricated condom without spermicide, either on the sex toy or his penis. Spermicide can irritate the rectum.
Never shift from anal sex back to vaginal sex without changing condoms. Feces can end up in the vagina and cause infections. And please wash your hands with soap and water after handling the dirty condom or you could still spread infectious material.

Just How Risky Is It?

The problems that Sue mentions in her article are definitely possible, but not necessarily probable…

Like smoking, the risks are lower if you do it less often.

Chances are you’re not going to get lung cancer from smoking one pack of cigarettes. And as long as you’re careful when having anal sex, the chances of running into the problems that Sue mentions in her article are greatly reduced if you do it very carefully and only occasionally.

Keep in mind that the rectum is designed as an “out hole” – not an “in hole”. Our advice is that if you are going to have anal sex, be very gentle and take it very slowly, use lots and lots of good quality lubrication, and save it as the occasional treat.

Don’t make it a regular activity that you do every day. Save it for special occasions.

Is It OK For Me To Talk My Partner Into Trying Anal Sex?

Like Sue, we get lots of questions from men wondering how they can “talk their girlfriend into having anal sex“. She adamantly says that you should never try to convince your partner to have anal sex.

We think it could go either way. We all use the art of gentle persuasion a hundred times a day to convince our kids to clean their rooms, to convince our husband to take out the trash, to talk ourselves into going to the gym when we don’t always feel like it.

Persuasion is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to move past our fears and overcome our shyness.

We do, however, want to stress that no one should ever be forced or pressured into doing any sexual act that they’re not 100% comfortable with and willing to do.

Do not confuse gentle persuasion with force and coercion!

Talk to your partner, and figure out works well for both of you. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved – anal or otherwise.

He Knows I’m Faking It! What Should I Do?

By speaksexy

Although we, as women, like to think of ourselves as Oscar winning actresses in the bedroom, the truth is we’re not!

And the number of sexually knowledgeable men out there is growing. They’re educated, well-read, and many have gained the amazing ability to spot our fake orgasmic performances every time.

(Un)fortunately for them, they’re usually good, caring men who pretend to believe our exaggerated moans in order to spare us the embarrassment of being caught in such a classic lie. The real problem then becomes how to tell us they know without hurting our feelings. Obviously this is an emotionally complicated conversation to bring up.

Just think about it. If he approaches the issue directly, you’ll probably react defensively and deny your pretended “O’s.“ If he approaches it indirectly, hoping you’ll confess, you’ll probably turn the conversation to something else rather than justify his obvious suspicions.

So if you believe your lover already knows you fake “it” and is not broaching the subject out of politeness, then the best thing you can do for your relationship is to make the first move toward clearing up the harmful unspoken questions he’s probably asking himself over and over again.

Questions such as, why are you faking it? Don’t you enjoy your sex together? Is there a physical problem he doesn’t know about? Have you ever had a real orgasm? What should he be doing differently to please you? Is the problem emotional? Should he be worried?

First, Understand Why You Do It

Sometimes women feel compelled to fake orgasms because it seems like the “right thing to do” in the moment without consciously understanding why. If you’re one of these women and you’re not exactly sure why you pretend to orgasm during sex, then this step should be an eye-opening part of the process.

Often the reasons are hidden in cultural expectations of what sex “should” be (ie – both people should orgasm at approximately the same time, sex is not fulfilling without an orgasm, if she doesn‘t orgasm it means she is not enjoying the sex, etc.), other times the reasons are more personal and related to the relationship dynamic itself.

Most Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

She believes other women orgasm during penetrative sex and doesn’t want to show her “inadequacy” of not being able to orgasm this way to her lover.
She is too shy to do what she knows will work in front of her lover (such as manual stimulation to her clitoris).
She believes her own orgasm will “take too long” in comparison to the amount of time it takes her lover to orgasm, so she fakes one at the appropriate time instead.
If she doesn’t orgasm she’s afraid her lover will take it personally and be offended.

Less Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

She’s never had an orgasm, even during masturbation, so she doesn’t understand what her body needs to achieve one.
She has a medical condition or is taking a medication that interferes with her ability to orgasm, but doesn‘t want to tell her lover about it or make a “big deal.”
She really does not enjoy sex with her lover (though this is rarely the case!).

Now That YOU Know Why You Do It, Tell Him

You’re pretty sure he already knows, so this part should go smoothly. Remember the point of this conversation is to be honest about your reasons for faking your orgasms, and to assuage his worst fears about your sex life. In all likelihood you are enjoying your sexual experiences with him, with or without an orgasm, so be sure to make a point of saying that right in the beginning.

Tell him about your embarrassments or your shyness to do certain things. Reassure him that you weren’t deliberately trying to make him feel uncertain about the quality of your sex life together. Once you’ve made your confession, both of you should feel very relieved that this collection of little lies is finally out in the open.

Moving Forward – No More Faking!

Although both of you should now understand why you’re not having real orgasms, the next step isn’t necessarily to begin a full-throttled crusade toward the big “O”. Instead, take a moment to assess any underlying issues that may need clarification, such as emotional trust and intimacy.

For example, why do you feel uncomfortable pleasuring yourself in front of him? Is having an orgasm honestly an important part of the sexual experience for you, or are you just as content not having one? It’s very common for women to report experiencing truly satisfying sex without having orgasms at all, but many of those same women feel pressured by societal expectations to have orgasms anyway (hence the prevalence of faking).

Because of this you and your lover should only begin to “fix” the “problem” if you believe sex would be more fulfilling for you with real orgasms. Otherwise it’s perfectly acceptable for you to continue having sex without them – As long as you don’t feel pressured by your lover or your culture, to fake them again!