Sex Tips & Advice

Is Your Life Too Busy for Sex?

Unfortunately for most of us, there never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

From the moment we wake up and groggily resist our primitive urge to smash the alarm clock against the wall, our bodies are set to “fast forward”, speeding through our days in a blur of work, school, and parenthood.

Until finally, exhausted and numb, we climb back into bed and slump into a state of blissful oblivion – only to have it start all over again six hours later.

And in the midst of all these constant stressors is a little nagging voice in the back of our minds that tries to remind us how important it is to stay connected to those we love.

We skip the hug hello, don’t have time for that morning kiss goodbye, and before we know it our lovers are just another piece of our daily landscape. Always there, but never really noticed.

It’s no wonder that under these circumstances sex happens less and less frequently, even among “young” couples.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, my partner and I – both 28 years old, We’re both going to school for our Phd’s. With school, work and kids, she has two boys, 4 and 6. She has a lot on her plate. I’m taking this semester off and have been doing my best to keep as much stress as possible off of her.

My concern is the affection is not there. She still wants her hugs and kisses everyday but our sex life, well not as strong. Typing that just makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. But I still can’t help but want some affection or reciprocation back.

Could you please give me some advice that my brain and heart is missing or forgetting or maybe her too? Thanks.

— Jared, Indiana

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNWAl7xZxn0[/youtube]

How to Find Intimacy in Your Busy Lives

For Starters, Don’t Blame Each Other

You’re both very busy and equally suffering from a lack of attention, so the worst thing either partner can do is to blame the other for your own negative feelings about the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, both good and bad, but with that entitlement comes responsibility. Your feelings are your own regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Because of this, it’s important to approach your relationship problems by asking “what can I do to make this better” rather than blaming your partner and saying, “things are this way because you (do or don’t do this, this, and this).”

Blaming your partner for your feelings will only make them defensive and angry, neither of which will make them want to give you the sexual attention you’re seeking.

At the End of the Day There’s Nothing Left for You

The sad truth is, people have a limited amount of emotional and physical energy. After an entire day of working, going to school, and taking care of children your partner has nothing left in their energy reserves for you.

Even when one of you does have some energy left over and is in the mood for a little kinky sex play, the likelihood that your partner will feel the same way at the same time is slim.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your partner’s fault.

That’s just the way life seems to be for most people in our very driven, output-oriented society.

Our culture places more value on how much we work and how much we produce than it does on how close, intimate, and loving our relationships are. So it makes sense that people choose to focus almost one hundred percent of their energy on their work, putting it ahead of their relationships.

Make a Conscious Choice to Refocus Your Energy

The key to having a continuously intimate relationship with your lover is to make sure you both have enough energy at the end of the day for each other.

This has to be a conscious decision, because “life” will surely get in the way and drain your energy if you don’t do something to change it.

One of the best ways to regroup and re-energize is to put aside one hour each day for yourself to do something that you enjoy. This is one hour of “ME” time – no children, no work, no school, and no lovers.

Some people choose to meditate or to go for walks. The activity itself doesn’t matter as long as it’s something that relaxes you and takes your mind off of everything else.

You’ll be amazed at how much just one hour for yourself will restore your energy!

What You Focus on Will Flourish

This is true for anything in life. Whether it’s writing a book, building a company, or strengthening your love for your partner, what you choose to focus your energy on will flourish.

But on the flip side, what you don’t give your energy to will diminish and eventually die.

So take a moment to think about your own day. What do you spend your time doing? What are you giving your energy to? Are those things really important? Is your relationship one of them?

Chances are, it isn’t.

If you really do want a loving, intimate relationship with your partner then you have to make time for it just like you make time for everything else.

Schedule it in, and commit to it.

Once you start giving your relationship the energy it needs, it will flourish, and the sex should take care of itself.

Desperate Housewife – Husband REFUSES Oral Sex!

By loveandsex

Oral sex is undoubtedly one of the most pleasurable of all sexual activities.

With the seemingly endless amount of delightful sensations oral sex can bring, it’s a wonder why anyone would willingly say no to it.

And although some people prefer to give it, and others prefer to receive it, most people enjoy doing both – Sometimes at the very same time!

But what happens when one person in a relationship completely refuses to engage in any kind of oral sex play, and the other absolutely adores it?

Is it possible to change someone’s mind about oral sex? Is it even reasonable or moral to try?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been married for 15+ years & would love to have my husband to try anal &/or oral sex. He thinks it’s “vile & disgusting”.

I have been around the block once or twice before I married & enjoyed these activities very much! He won’t even let me give him oral sex, which I’ve been told I’m pretty good at.

How do I convince my hubby that I want this type of activity?

–Samantha, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnqpEqn9mvM[/youtube]

How Can I Get My Husband to Try Oral Sex?

Talk to Him Openly Without Accusing Him of Anything

The first thing you have to understand when approaching a man with a sexual critique is that his ego will surely be bruised. For most men, sexual performance and sexual technique are very sensitive topics.

Our culture places a lot of pressure on men to be good in bed, so when you, as his lover, being to question something he is (or is not) doing sexually, his feelings will probably be hurt, and he will react defensively to your comments.

This is not how you want your conversation to go.

So in order to ease your partner into an honest and blame-free discussion about your sex life, be gentle and careful about what you say.

Never start this type of conversation with “What’s wrong with you?!” or any version of that!

Instead, begin by reinforcing the fact that you do enjoy having sex with him.

A compliment regarding your last sexual encounter such as, “I think you rock! Sex was great, but I just have one question…”, should make your partner feel good about himself and more open to whatever you have to say next.

Find Out His Real Reasons for Refusing to Try It

Once you’ve established a positive rapport, ask him in a non-accusatory tone, “Why do you think it’s so disgusting?”

Listen very carefully to what your partner has to say. How you respond will completely depend on what his underlying reasons are for not wanting to try oral sex (or any other sexual activity you are disagreeing on).

Three of the most common reasons why people refuse to have oral sex are because it goes against their moral and/or religious beliefs, it brings back negative childhood experiences such as abuse, or they’re concerned about the cleanliness aspect of it.

Obviously some of these reasons are easier to deal with than others.

If your partner’s main reason for refusing oral sex is that he feels it’s dirty or unsanitary, you could offer to take a shower before trying it. Or you could try taking an erotic shower together as foreplay and slipping it in then.

This might help to dissuade some of his hygienic concerns, as well as relax him into the experience itself. You never know, once you get your partner to try it, he may never want you to stop!

Be Prepared to Accept His Sexual Preferences

On the other hand, you must be prepared to accept the fact that regardless of what you say, your partner’s opinions regarding certain sexual activities may never change – especially if those opinions are based on foundational beliefs such as religion.

Even if his reason for not doing it is as simple as he just doesn’t like it, you have to understand, appreciate, and respect that. Everyone is entitled to their own sexual preferences.

In the end your partner may never be open to oral sex, and that has to be OK with you.

Remember there are hundreds and hundreds of other sexual things that you can both agree on and enjoy together. Don’t let one or two disagreements ruin the sexual things you do both enjoy!

Consider Swinging or Swapping as an Alternative

Even if your partner is uncomfortable having anal or oral sex himself, he may be open to the idea of someone else doing those things with you.

Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, bringing in someone else to fulfill those desires may be a good option.

If neither swinging nor swapping is an option, then you’ll have to make peace with your partner’s preferences and do your best to focus on and explore those activities you both feel comfortable with.

5 Ways to Turn Your Bedroom Into a Sex Magnet

By speaksexy

Normally when people decorate their bedroom, they focus on making it a good place to sleep. After all, that’s what it’s for.

But as you probably know, the bedroom is also the number one place couples head to when they want to have sex.

Regardless of whether it’s the first time or the thousandth you’ve seen it, the atmosphere of your bedroom will either add to or detract from your sexual experience.

So making your bedroom into a space that is comfortable, unique, and inviting is one of the easiest and best things you could possibly do for your sex life. This is true for both men and women (though in general women tend to pay more attention to their surroundings during sex than men).

5 Ways to Make Your Bedroom a Sex Magnet

1) You’re a Grown Up – Decorate Like One

You’re not in college, and your bedroom is not in a dormitory! Movie posters plastered to your walls with tape will not impress anyone anymore.

It’s time to decorate like a grown up, and that means getting real furniture (not necessarily expensive furniture, but no blow up chairs either!).

Choose things that reflect your personal style and actually go well together. Coordinate. Pick out colors that make you feel relaxed and sexy.

For some people, bold colors like reds and oranges wake up their senses, as well as their libidos. For others dark, rich colors like chocolate brown and burgundy do the trick.

If you share your bedroom with your lover, be sure to do this part together. You want your bedroom to feel like a little sanctuary away from the rest of the world, away from everything that causes stress in your lives.

It should make you want to open up and connect to each other, especially during difficult times when sex lives become notorious for their vanishing acts!

2) Make Your Bed as Inviting as Possible

Plush comforters, soft pillows, and high-quality sheets will go a long way toward getting you both in bed. Haven’t you ever seen a bed (maybe on display in a store or in a picture) that looked so warm and delicious you just wanted to sink into it and never come out?

That’s how you should feel every time you see your own bed.

It may seem silly at first to splurge on something like Egyptian cotton sheets, but trust me, once your naked self feels how glorious is it to be sandwiched between your warm lover and those silky sheets, you won’t think twice about getting another set or two.

3) Keep it Clean

Even if the rest of your house is a mess and weekly cleanings are a laughable part of your schedule, keep your bedroom tidy for the sake of your sex life.

No one wants to sleep with someone whose room is a disaster – including your own husband or wife.

Not that your bed has to always be wrinkle-free, but there shouldn’t be dirty snack crumbs everywhere and yesterday’s socks on your pillow!

For special occasions, think about how your room smells.

Tuck an oil diffuser into a far corner (not directly beside the bed because the scent will be too strong!) and remember to use it when you’re preparing the room for your lover. Scent can be a huge turn on, and will help give your bedroom that “something extra”.

4) Add a Little Audio-Visual Stimulation

Although most sex advice books claim that putting a television in your bedroom automatically spells “doom and gloom” for your sex life – I disagree.

It all depends on what you decide to watch, and whether or not you watch it together.

Many of these advice books assume that couples watch TV as a way to avoid any real interaction with each other, so putting a television in the bedroom would certainly be the end of what ever sex life they might have otherwise had.

But if couples are actually using TV in this way, then they probably have bigger issues to deal with than whether or not a TV is in their bedroom.

For most couples, however, adding a television and DVD/CD player to their bedroom makes a very nice addition in terms of sex appeal. And if general TV watching is a problem, don’t get that particular TV hooked up to cable!

Instead, save the bedroom TV for watching “special” DVDs. Yes, this could be porn, but it could also be romantic or scary movies too. There are tons of movies that are perfect for getting you both in the mood. Don’t limit yourselves to the obvious ones.

Watch them cuddled up on the bed together, and just let things flow…

5) Make it Sexually Functional

The phrase “Hold on Honey, I have to go find the condoms” should never come out of your mouth – Never.

Everything that you could possibly want for your sexual adventures should be within easy reach of your bed. For this reason, a nightstand with storage space is a must.

Some sexual necessities that should be neatly stashed in one of your bed-side drawers are: condoms (if you use them), lubricant, breath mints, small sex toys (vibes, restraints, etc.), and a roll of toilet paper or tissues for easy clean up.

If you want to go the extra mile, keep a bottle of water in there as well.

Most people are thirsty after a good romp between the sheets, and having water available that doesn’t require a trip to the kitchen is always a welcomed luxury.

Also, the next time you’re in the market for a new bed, consider getting one with built-in drawers underneath. These drawers can be especially useful if you have larger sex toys, such as whips or floggers, that wouldn’t fit in a typical nightstand.

How ever you do it, the point is to make your bedroom a place of comfort and love. Having the “right” decorations and the “right” sheets won’t guarantee a great sex life, but if the potential for sex is already there, a well thought out room might just be the thing that seals the deal.

3 Quick Ways to Tell if You’re a Sexual Introvert

By speaksexy

Just like your innate personality dictates whether or not you’re a “social butterfly” or a “shrinking violet“, the same is true for how you express your sexuality.

We’ve all heard the stereotypical tales of very reserved, shy people suddenly morphing into uncontrollable wildcats once the lights go out. Or seemingly confident, strong individuals turning into blushing, fumbling kittens in the heat of the moment.

Sexual introverts come in all varieties, and more often than not, it’s very difficult to spot them out. Someone who is sexually introverted may be very outgoing in other aspects of their lives, but tend to close themselves off when confronted with a sexual situation.

That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex, or don’t want sex, but that it’s more difficult for them to relax and to let go of their inhibitions than it is for sexual extraverts.

Being able to relax and to let go are crucial to a healthy and satisfactory sex life, so helping a sexual introvert feel secure enough to open themselves up in front of someone else is an important task for their lovers.

This is particularly true if both people in a relationship are sexually introverted, because neither may possess the necessary skills to “bring out” the other’s sexual side.

Knowing if you or your partner is a sexual introvert is often very helpful. It might be the explanation you’ve been looking for to a whole slew of seemingly “strange” sexual behaviors.

(For example, you may wonder why your partner loves to read steamy erotica before bed, but then refuses your sexual advances once you’re in bed!)

You Might Be a Sexual Introvert If:

1. You Think About Sex All the Time…

But rarely actually have it. Sexual introverts enjoy thinking about sex – a lot. In fact, for many it becomes an interesting preoccupation and lifelong curiosity. Often times they know much more about sex (its cultural history, the bodily mechanics, etc.) than do most people, but their knowledge comes from books, movies, and conversations with others rather than from real life experiences.

2. You’ve Read the Entire Kama Sutra…

But still use the missionary position every time. It’s true, you’ve probably memorized every picture, read every sexual technique book there is, and can recite passages from your favorite erotic novel. But when it comes to having actual, physical sex with your partner it’s always “the same old, same old”.

3. You Have Very Detailed Sexual Fantasies…

But are usually disappointed when (and if) you try to act upon them. Often the imagined sexual scenarios that sexual introverts create in their minds are more powerful than “real life” experiences for them.

This is by no means the fault of their lovers. It’s just that their fantasies are continuously perfected, like works of erotic art only they can see.

Because of this, real sex is often disappointing, and over time sexual introverts learn to go through the motions of sex in order to appease their partners rather than to satisfy their own sexual desires. That’s why sex with them can become so routine.

How to Spice Things Up if Your Partner is a Sexual Introvert

If you are a sexual introvert, or suspect your partner to be one, there are ways to make your boring and/or routine sex life more interesting and comfortable.

Assuming that you’ve already gained their trust, and have moved past their initial emotional barriers, the first thing you have to remember is how cerebral sexual introverts are about sex.

If you’re going to spice things up, it has to be done in an intelligent way. Don’t expect them to become our proverbial “wildcat” mentioned earlier just because you suggest trying a new position.

They’ve probably imagined what that position would feel like a thousand times, and unless you have something that surprises them out of their fantasies, they’ll stay firmly within their imaginations the entire time you‘re having sex.

And therein lies the key to unlocking their true sexual selves – Surprise!

You are not their fantasy. They aren’t controlling your every move, so use that to your advantage. Every time you do something that they’re not expecting, something they haven’t thought of before, it jolts them back to reality.

Carefully planned sexual rendezvous and little bits of added flare, like a vibrator hidden in the corner, or a sudden well-timed spank, can help them to appreciate the actual experience of having sex, rather than relying on their imaginations to turn them on.

Once out of their normal routines, those introverted sexual feelings are much more likely to come to the surface and to make their way into your real sex lives – Making both people a lot more sexually satisfied.

BDSM Dilemma – Should I Tell My Parents?

By loveandsex

No matter how close children are to their parents there are some things that probably shouldn’t be shared – and sexual preferences is one of them.

Most of the time parents don’t really want to know about their children’s sex lives. Just like most people do almost anything in their power to avoid thinking about their own parents as sexual beings, parents balk at the very idea that their children have sex at all, even when those children are well into adulthood.

Add to this already existing unease an element of danger, perversion, or “evil” (as are often associated with the term BDSM), and it’s easy to see why having this discussion could do more damage than good.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few of my very close friends know that I am into BDSM.

Because BDSM is so taboo, I could never tell my parents. My friends feel that I am lying to my parents because I tell them I am going to see someone else when I am actually going to see my Master. I am well over eighteen so I don’t feel that I am legally obligated to tell them.

— Amanda, Kentucky

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2hBT0H0x2c[/youtube]

Should I Tell My Parents I’m Into BDSM?

The Short Version Is – It’s None of Their Business

Really it’s not! As long as you’re an adult you’re entitled to make your own choices, including the choice to engage in and enjoy consensual BDSM sex play.

Unfortunately society hasn’t evolved enough yet to openly accept the fact that people derive pleasure from all sorts of sexual activities. Those that involve pain, bondage, and other “deviant” behaviors are especially persecuted.

Although this is slowly changing, and BDSM is moving into the mainstream, there’s still a good chance that those you do tell will look at you differently, and will disapprove of your lifestyle choices.

In general, people have a hard time accepting sexual preferences that differ from their own. Parents are no exception.

Unless your parents are also sexual explorers and have dabbled in BDSM themselves, the likelihood that they’ll understand why you would even consider engaging in those types of behaviors is very slim.

You are Still a Child to Your Parents

It’s important to remember that in your parents’ eyes, you are still a child in need of protection and guidance. Depending on the morals and values your parents tried to raise you with, telling them that you’re involved in BDSM could be a proverbial “slap in the face”.

They may interpret your choices as going directly against the very things they believe are good and right. As best, they may accept your differing morality, but at worst, they may denounce you completely as being an amoral or bad person.

They Will Probably Try to “Fix” You

If you decide to tell your parents about your BDSM adventures, don’t be surprised if their reaction is to try to “fix” you somehow. They will probably try talking you out of liking such activities or suggesting you see a psychologist to “get over” this issue.

Be prepared to spend a lot of time and effort explaining yourself and fielding their well-intended attempts to change you.

There is, of course, the possibility that your confession could make you closer to your parents if they are very open-minded people. But since these kinds of parents (and people) are rare, don’t count on a positive reaction!

Instead, weigh your decision carefully, keeping in mind that telling them could ruin the relationship you have with them now. Choose your words wisely, and know what you are going to say beforehand. This isn’t a conversation you’ll want to improvise on the spot.

Consider Getting Your Own Place

Although it’s understandable that you don’t want to continue lying to your parents, you shouldn’t feel like they have to know where you’re going every time you leave the house either.

You’re an adult, and as an adult you have the right to your privacy. Why not consider eliminating this problem completely by getting your own place?

One of the best things about being a “grown up” is you get to do your own thing without having to answer to anyone else. Getting your own place will give you that sense of freedom, and you won’t feel forced into lying to those you love anymore.

Keep Your BDSM Preference to Yourself

Whether or not you continue to live with your parents, our best advice is to keep your BDSM activities to yourself. Now that you’re an adult, you’ve earned the right to make your own sexual choices and to keep those choices private – use them!