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Exclusive Swingers – Are You CHEATING On Your Swinger Friends?

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Exclusive swingers? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Exclusivity is not what you typically think of when you talk about the swinger lifestyle. Few in the swinger community would consider it cheating to play with multiple couples and partners without consulting them. It’s important to remember that swinging is largely about expanding an individual or a couple’s sex lives, and not usually about extending the romantic circle.

What about polyamory?

Some consider polyamory to be a more enlightened approach to swinging, though it’s really a very different animal. With polyamory, a couple will actually expand their love and romantic relationship to truly include others, not just for the occasional fun and sexual fantasies.

For many, the idea of swinging is really a stretch… polyamory is even more so because we’re no longer talking about being committed to a single person.

Can you expect an exclusive relationship with another couple?

People are interesting in their expectations, and since we’re all unique, nothing is really too far fetched to be expected. Think about an exclusive relationship between two people. It slowly evolves from the casual meeting, a few dates, and eventually exclusivity where you’re no longer seeing other people.

It’s entirely possible for two couples to also become close over time, and for some of the players to develop closer feelings for each other. In this case it’s definitely possible for one couple to get jealous when the other couple sees other people. No, it’s not the regular traditional lifestyle experience, but it definitely does happen on occasion.

And when it does…

Don’t talk with your family about your sex life and your exotic sexual fantasies

It’s always great to share our lives with our loved ones… not just our romantic partners, but also our blood families.

BUT… this can sometimes lead to problems, especially when we’re talking about parts of our lives that are not viewed as “acceptable” or “mainstream” by some segments of society.

This can happen when parents share intimate details of their sex lives with their grown children, as well as those same grown children sharing with their parents.

At first this seems to go against what we normally believe in, but stay with us here. Countless fights and arguments start when people share too much about their sex lives with their families.

We’re generally very adamant on having very open and honest communication in relationships, whether those are romantic relationships, family relationship, or friend relationships.

However we are not yet evolved and enlightened enough as a society, where your family (i.e. your parents, siblings) can have an open and honest discussion with you about your sex life and sexual preferences without judging you and without digressing into some type of fight or argument.

Hopefully our society will evolved to this point in the coming years, but by an large we’re just not there yet. Certainly there are some exceptions to this (as there are to anything based on a standard deviation), but if you want to play it safe – keep your sex life between you and your partner.

SO… Should you demand and exclusive relationship with another couple??  Shat what can you do if you’ve shared your dilemma with your family and they’re going nuts?

Here’s a question from a couple in Maryland facing this very frustrating problem…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I have now experienced swinging with two different couples. The first happened slowly over a long period of time with a couple that we were very close to. The second couple we found through a swinging website. We met them a few times to get to know each other and then met them for a sexual encounter. Ever since then, things have been a mess. We shared with the first couple that we had been with the second couple. They did not handle it well at all. They felt hurt and betrayed, especially the woman, whom I am extremely close to. I thought that our friendship was in jeopardy. I ended up talking to my father about how upset I was about this problem that I was having with my friend. I ended up telling him about my swinging experiences- BIG MISTAKE! He was very upset and my stepmother, who he told, was even more upset. So, my husband and I are finding a way to rebuild our relationship with the first couple, minus the sex. I am working through things with my dad. My stepmother is still concerned that we are going to rot in hell. With all of this happening, I am really struggling with the idea of swinging again. My husband wants to, of course. I am seriously struggling with whether it is immoral and sinful. Besides, with everything that has happened, I don’t have a good feeling about preceding forward. How can I make my husband understand this? He is extremely disappointed that I am not interested in continuing to swing, at least for now, and maybe forever. I know that this is long and complicated, but I am really in need of some advice. Please respond. Thanks.

— Jennifer, Maryland

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4sZ6cOoX2w[/youtube]

Sinners in the Bible Belt? Sex, Swingers, and Religion…

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Who would have thought that Texas, the conservative Republican state, is 2nd In the Nation on Sex Seeking Enthusiasts?

While Texas may be perceived as a highly religious and conservative stronghold, deep in the heart of the Bible Belt, it’s beat out only by California, and Florida is a close 3rd in the number of adults actively looking for sex on the internet.

Are we making this up? Now way!

These revealing numbers are reported by one of the largest adult web sites on the internet. The numbers will really surprise you… 

If you don’t already know, Adult Friend Finder is the largest sex and swinger personals web site on the internet today with 22,319,717 members. That’s almost identical to the population of Texas which is 23,507,783. Hmmm… That’s a lot of people on just this one website.

What is a sex and swinger personals web site? Well, it’s basically a dating site for singles and couples looking for sex. What many people don’t realize is that Adult Friend Finder gets more visitors every day than Match.com and eHarmony put together!

That’s no big surprise. But what IS a surprise is that Texas is ranked #2 in the number of subscribers to this web site.

Here is the state by state breakdown of the top sex enthusiasts in the U.S., according to Adult Friend Finder:

  • California – 1.2 million (That’s 3.3% of the state population)
  • Texas – 800,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
  • Florida – 743,000 (That’s 4.1% of the state population)
  • New York – 660,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
  • Illinois – 429,000 (That’s 3.3% of the state population)

Wow, what’s truly amazing here is that Texas – the heart of the Bible Belt – is #2 in all of the U.S. with a larger percentage of the population subscribing than California!

Is Texas shedding it’s ultra conservative facade? Or will the truth remain buried behind closed doors with faceless pictures on the top sex personals sites like Adult Friend Finder?

Here are some more interesting facts about sex on the internet 

While it’s difficult to identify the exact number of internet users, ComScore Media Metrix reports 4% of all Web traffic and 2% of all time spent Web surfing involved an adult site.

  • According to a recent study by Google, adult content is the most sought after content by users with cellphones. Google’s team found that 20 percent of searches on cellphones were for adult content, while only 5 percent of searches on PDAs were for it. The researchers sifted through 1 million searches by users of their mobile search software to come up with these numbers.
  • The AVN Annual Survey of the Adult Industry 2006 asserts that the adult entertainment industry is nearly a $13 billion business in 2006, mostly in the form of adult videos. But the delivery mechanism is changing… Internet sales of adult content, which includes images, live-chat and live-streaming video, has now become the second largest adult entertainment segment, with 22 percent of the market or $2.8 billion in sales.

So, are more than 23 million people wrong? Or are the rules and social stigmas against sex and enjoying our sexuality outdated remnants of the Victorian age?

Obviously the demand is there, but so are the ultra conservative religious extremists and the lawmakers that they keep in their pockets. Which explains why prostitution is still illegal in most states and certain sexual acts between consenting adults are illegal in the privacy of their own homes. The fact that consenting adults cannot do whatever they choose in the privacy of their own homes, without causing harm to anyone, is outrageous!

This is also why Janet Jackson was persecuted for her wardrobe malfunction during the Superbowl a few years back (the most replayed moment in TiVo history) and Chicago TV reporter, Amy Jacobson, was persecuted for doing an interview in her swimsuit. Exactly what is wrong with a breast and a belly button anyway? Really… Stop and think about that for just a moment.

When will we say enough is enough?

My Husband Gave Me Permission to Have an Affair – Now What?

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Having an open marriage is interesting enough…

But when your husband encourages you to have an affair, as long as you don’t tell him about it… between the stigma around cheating and affairs, and your own fear that you’re breaking the sacred trust in your relationship, things can get a little more complicated.

The stigma of infidelity… MUST we call it an affair?

Cheating is not the cause of relationship problems, but rather a symptom of significant relationship issues. People who are happy and content in a relationship – emotionally, spiritually AND sexually, do not go outside the relationship to “cheat”. It just doesn’t usually work that way.

There are situations however in which one person can’t meet all of their partner’s needs… leaving that person longing for more, whether it’s emotionally OR sexually.

But if another person is brought into the relationship to meet those needs, is it truly cheating or breaking the trust, or merely breaking some more commonly accepted societal norms around what a marriage or relationship “should be”?

What if your partner CAN’T have sex with you?

For whatever reason, often health related issues, some people feel they can no longer have sex. Or maybe they just no longer WANT to have sex.

But in reality, they realize even though they no longer have sexual needs, their partner still does. At this point, the relationship will begin to suffer, since there are unmet needs, and those needs intensify as time goes on. Something eventually has to give, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to be the relationship that collapses under the strain.

Do you really want or need to divorce? Is there maybe another way?

So do you really need to divorce or separate, or is there maybe another way?

What if you were to consider an open marriage, or an arrangement by which another person could meet your partner’s sexual needs, while still keeping your marriage, or your relationship, intact?

Certainly this would require even much more trust and communication than a relationship normally does, but it COULD work. At the very least, wouldn’t it be worth trying as a last ditch effort before letting the relationship crumble and deteriorate?

If both partners are willing to approach this situation from a place of true love and acceptance – as opposed to ownership and jealousy – then the relationship may have a chance to survive this challenge.

Love, honesty, and devotion are very different from sex

Many people confuse love, honesty, and devotion to a partner with sexual contact. Those are very different things.

Millions of couples worldwide enjoy the swinging lifestyle (formerly known as wife swapping in previous generations), and they are often brought closer together for sharing such an experience. Rarely does swinging break a couple apart – unless they’re doing it just as an excuse to have sex with other people, and to mask deeper relationship problems.

While swinging only involves sharing your partner with others for sex, many couples engage in polyamory, where there is an actual love relationship between multiple partners and couples. It’s easy to forget sometimes that not all cultures today or throughout history have practiced monogamy…

Isn’t that heresy? Is it even legal?

Our society is a blend of many different religious and spiritual influences. One man’s sin is another man’s redemption.

Fact is, you decide how you wish to live your own life, and as long as nobody gets hurt, it’s not anyone’s business but your own. This can only work of as long as you are completely open and honest with your partner about the situation and any feelings that arise from it.

And set the ground rules ahead of time to avoid problems later on… from safe sex to whether or not you want to meet this new person and know in depth what your partner is doing with them.

Although sharing your partner sexually with another person may sounds like a very bad idea to some, and it may go against what you were taught growing up, isn’t it at least worth considering if it could save your relationship?

This is the very issue one lady in Scotland is facing.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have looked at a number of your letters but have found it quite difficult to find a corresponding answer to my question:

What if your husband finds it emotionally impossible ( because of work stress and being very overweight )(and physically impossible for a number of medical reasons such as sleep apnea ) to have sex but I so desperately want sex?

And now when he says I should find someone else for a sexual relationship ( just as long as I don’t tell him! )? We have been married for thirty years and have three children ( now grown-up).

I am now very attracted to a colleague at my work and he is to me but feel torn yet desperately need a physical connection….I have not had sex with my husband for approx 12 years and it is driving me crazy, crazy enough to consider an affair but my religion and upbringing are such deterrents. I feel I cannot leave my husband yet I also feel he has given me “permission” to have an affair, oh dear I don’t know what the right way forward is I do hope you can help. I am very confused.

— A. (Argyll, Scotland, UK)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCIZ32I7yE0[/youtube]

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

Swinger Seduction – How Can I Tell If Our Friends Want to Play?

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Ah, the magical dance of flirting and seduction. “Does she like me?” “Will he go out with me?”

And for the swinger crowd… “They’re hot! Do you think they like us that way? Let’s ask them out.”

The same age old question repeats itself over and over again. And the world round, young men, young ladies, and couples, repeat the same mistake – they walk up to this person or couple they’re infatuated with and ask their question. “Will you go out with me“?

STOP! Don’t do it! That question has ended more relationships (before they even started) than perhaps any other factor in the history of mankind. That question forces the other person (or couple) into a corner, and makes them pick a yes or no choice, without knowing much of anything about you. Your odds are bleak to none.

Instead, get to know this person or this couple in a casual and non-threatening way. Give them a chance to get to like you. Attraction is a very complex set of feelings, emotions, urges, desires.

But how do you escape the swamp lands of the “friend zone“?

This is where subtle flirting and seduction comes in. Make the other person or couple feel your interest and desire instead of telling them about it. And here’s a magical fun fact: if they feel the same way, you’ll just know. You’ll FEEL it in the sparks that are flying around you, in the highly charged atmosphere, in the frequent casual touching, the unusual proximity, etc.

Enjoy the dance.

The danger of course, is if you’re wrong, you risk losing your friends. They may get freaked out and run away. Or they may just think it was cute or even flattering. But you won’t know unless you try.

So HOW can you tell if they like you in that way and want to play?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I recently became friends with a couple our age and we have a really great time together. It’s just that lately there has seemed to be this unusual tension. Through comments here and there and an occasional look, we thing they want to swing. How should I go about finding out if this couple wants to swing with us? We really like them and don’t want to lose them as friends but they’re really hot too and it’s hard to resist.

Please help! I’m tormented thinking about it.

— Ellen in Mississippi

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fr_O2wAwmI[/youtube]

    Open Marriage – How Can I Convince My Husband?

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    Unhappy marriages can often lead to one or both partners cheating and having long term affairs.

    More often than not, the marriage doesn’t survive the affair. In truth, it’s not just the affair, but the deception and lies that truly kill the relationship.

    But what if you really want to stay with your current partner, although you realize that your partner is not able to fulfill your needs for sex and intimacy?

    Some people consider an open marriage as a solution. While this is definitely not for everyone, there’s no reason it cannot work for some.

    There are certainly other options for resolving intimacy issues couples face, but when counseling and other measures just don’t work, what can you do?

    This question is from a lady facing this very dilemma. She has been in an extramarital affair for over a year, but she desperately wants to stay married to her husband. So hopes to pusuade him to consider and open marriage.

    How can she approach him about the open marriage, considering her affair is ongoing?

    Dear Dan and Jennifer,

    I am finding myself in depression. My joy and juice for life is diminishing. My energy is dwindling. I want to break out, I want to be free. I have a family, three little girls 3, 5, and 6.

    How do you open up a marriage? I realize that the only solution to the bind I have gotten myself into is to talk truth. The truth is I have been having an affair for two years. I have no idea if the affair will last, but do we ever know if anything will ever last?

    I have to make myself have sex with my husband and thank god to my large sex drive this is not a problem, however I do have to overcome a resistance each and every time, and it is starting to get to me. My affair is also no dream around sex, but I lust after him, he smells and tastes good to me and he can talk and move through stuck places, unlike my husband.

    My husband is a good provider and a fun dad to the kids. I respect that and there is a certain turn on in the providing role that he holds. I can get off with him. However, we lack intimacy. I feel alone in this marriage and I went and got what I needed to feel connection and companionship.

    Oddly enough orgasm is tricky with “the other man”. Partially this has to do with his story, but also it has to do with mine. Something about guilt of withholding from my husband, something about not feeling truly wanted by the man that would get involved with a married monogamous woman. If I was truly available for a one on one, my affair would be on a plane and out of here. He, although I get intimacy, connection and friendship from him, is intimacy and relationship phobic. Go figure!

    In any case I need to open up the door. I am not sure if I need to mention my affair in talking with my husband about opening up the marriage or if I can simply let it be. I do realize that opening up the marriage requires more attention, communication and integrity than staying monogamous.

    I have issues with jealousy. My main concern would be sexually transmitted diseases, impregnation of another woman and thereby loosing my provider’s full financial support. I know that he lacks the capacity for intimacy on the level that I want and need so there is no jealousy possible from that point, but I could encounter this from my affair.

    Do you have any insights as to how I can work with jealousy so that it makes me aware of the love versus the loss that I fear?

    My hope is that if I open up the marriage, I will not feel guilty; therefore I could enjoy myself more sexually all around. I also hope that it moves my husband out of the position of the bad man that doesn’t give me intimacy, and I can simply enjoy him for who he is without putting up walls.

    I am pretty sure that he would be open to seeing other people. I am just not sure how to structure that, and seeing that we have three small children, I do believe we need to set up agreements around how this could work. Got any insights?

    – Dona (California)

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlHQJjZv42g[/youtube]