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Q&A: Will Masturbation Affect Your Relationship?

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Masturbation is normal and healthy for both guys and gals – it’s a normal way to explore your sexuality as you go through puberty and teenage years, and then it becomes an excellent way to relieve sexual tension and stress when you can’t or don’t want to have sex with another person. It can also help you explore what you like and don’t like during sex, so you can more effectively communicate with your lovers about how you like to be touched. But can it affect a relationship and cause problems between two people? Can excessive masturbation ruin a partnership, or is it more likely due one partner having jealousy and control issues?

Hey Dan and Jenn – I’m 16 and my cousin tells me that masturbation makes you more likely to stay single and I don’t want to stay single! Is that true? Please help! Thanks and I love your show it has helped me so much.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmhykzCjiQQ[/youtube]

Men And Women Learn About Their Sexuality Through Masturbation

Unfortunately, masturbation has a bad rap. Society teaches teens that masturbation is bad or wrong, and this gets even more oppressive in families where their morals or religious beliefs suggest that it is unhealthy. However, it is neither unhealthy nor is it wrong – it’s a natural way for both men and women to learn about their bodies and their developing sexuality. It’s a perfectly normal thing to engage in even daily from pre-teen years through adulthood.

It’s A Healthy Part Of Every Relationship

It’s unrealistic to expect that your partner be able to be around and available to satisfy your sexual needs whenever you have sexual needs. It’s also unfair to them – your partner should not be totally and completely responsible for your sexual satisfaction! Especially for men and women with high libidos, their partners may not want to have sex all day every day. Many women have issues with their male partners masturbating because they feel like he “wants” someone else sexually, or doesn’t like them for some reason. This couldn’t be further from the truth! It’s natural for guys to jerk off when they have a pang of desire, without having to ask their partners to have sex four times a day.

Another reason that masturbation can be beneficial to a relationship is that it teaches each person what they like sexually, so they can then go to their partners and communicate what feels good and what doesn’t. Being able to communicate to your partner what you like is essential to a satisfying and intimate sex life with your lover, because if YOU don’t know how to please yourself, how are THEY supposed to?

Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation is also a fun activity to do together to become more comfortable with the idea of self satisfaction in your relationship and how it can help you both to relax, stay satisfied and learn what you like sexually. Doing it together can also add another element to your sex life that keeps it from getting boring and monotonous!

Jealousy Issues

Often, one partner will be jealous over the other for masturbating. They may be upset that their lover is watching porn, or they may feel like they’re not doing enough to please their partner. Rest assured that if your lover engages in self satisfaction and watches porn that it has nothing to do with your inadequacies as a lover. It simply is a natural, healthy thing to do! There’s no reason to be jealous about it.

How Much Is Too Much?

Of course, as with most things, there’s a caveat here. It can be damaging to a relationship if it goes too far. Normal self satisfaction usually doesn’t cause problems in a relationship, but if it becomes excessive, it can.  If, for example, all you or your partner can think about is masturbating, you or your partner stop spending time together to go masturbate or you substitute it for sex with your partner. In this case, it can definitely be a problem in the relationship and you’ll want to seek help as soon as possible.

Just like with any addiction, if you or your partner are addicted to masturbating, seek help. Lots of addiction programs out there can be applied to masturbation and you can follow the same steps. If it’s taking over your life, you have an addiction and it’s time to do something about it! If it’s not, relax and don’t let it bother you. Normal masturbation is healthy and even beneficial for a relationship!

I’ve Got The Hots For One Of My Roommates!

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A booty call can be a lot of fun – but it can also complicate things a great deal if you happen to be living with the person you want to hook up with! It’s not at all uncommon for young roommates of the opposite sex to be attracted to each other – you’re often seeing your roommate in their most vulnerable (and sexiest) situations such as being in the shower or sleeping soundly in their bed. Since you see your house mate often, it’s absolutely natural that you would be thinking about them often. It’s also natural for you to be interested in them in a romantic or sexual way. But does this mean you should act on your feelings and make your roomie a booty call? Or would the wisest thing be to keep your feelings to yourself?

I’m living in a house with a bunch of roommates (Real World style!). I’m attracted to one of the guys and we’ve been flirting a lot – but we’re putting off getting together for fear of complicating our living situation. Neither one of us can afford to move out if things go bad, but we really want to hook up. Thoughts?

What She Said:

I guess it’ll depend on what’s stronger – your libido or your desire to keep your living situation comfortable! I’ll be interested to hear which one wins out.

Ask Yourself Questions First

Here are a few questions to ask yourself before diving in: How strong is the connection? Is it worth possibly putting your living situation in jeopardy? Is this a hookup for sex or do you both want a relationship? If it’s an in-house booty call, how will you feel if he brings home another girl? How will it affect the dynamics of your household? Are you both mature enough to handle it if it doesn’t work out? Of course you can’t know the answers to these questions for sure, but it’ll behoove the situation if you can push yourself by playing devil’s advocate.

If you’re like the rest of us, my guess is that you’ll give in to hooking up – and that’s okay! If you decide to proceed, the best you can do is move forward with a mutual respect for each other – and, if you’re really smart, the utmost respect for your roommates. That means keeping your private time private; and if things do go awry, don’t drag your household into the drama.

You can do the pros and cons list all day long – but hopefully you’ll go with your gut and do what’s best for you. But keep that piggy bank full, just in case.

What He Said:

Hooking up with someone you live with when neither of you could afford to move out if something goes awry? What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

Sure there’s a lot that COULD go right with this scenario, but is the juice worth the squeeze? That’s what it comes down to. I’m not you and I’m not there, so I can’t speak to that, but I can say I have trouble imagining a situation where the positives outweigh the negatives.

Could the sex be mind blowing? Could this person be the great love of your life? Sure, but they could also go batshit crazy on you and you’re stuck there in a really weird living situation.

And then so are your roommates. Maybe this other person doesn’t go psycho, but how will this affect your roommate dynamic? What if one of your roommates wants to hook up with this person and you do first? That can’t be good. Either way you’re going to be affecting the dynamics in the living situation – you can try and see how it works out. Could it work out, I guess so, but why would you really want to try? No, seriously, tell me. I’m curious.

Relationship Advice: We Both Want To Live In Different Places!

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Good relationship advice is warranted if you and your partner don’t see eye to eye about where you live. Of course, for a good relationship where you and your partner are both happy, you pretty much have to live at least in the same town. Most couples in committed relationships prefer to live together. What should you do if you both want different things?

My live-in boyfriend and I are at odds over a seemingly small issue: we reside in a small town. I’m really bored, but my BF wants to stay. I don’t want to break up, but living where I don’t want to is beginning to feel like a big compromise.

What She Said:

What’s the big picture? How is the state of your relationship? Do you think he’s your soul mate? These are all really important questions you need to be asking yourself, the sooner the better.

If you’re serious about this guy and you see a future with him, maybe where you live isn’t as important as how you live. Perhaps a small town versus the big city isn’t as big of a deal when you have love. Look around at what your town has to offer. Does the slower pace allow you to focus on your hobbies? What’s the quality of life like day to day? Maybe you aren’t thrilled about where you live, but you can improve your experience regardless of residence.

The flip side: Are you marking time with someone you dig – for now? If so, it might be time to take a hard look at your relationship. You’ve got some big choices to make. The safety of companionship can be great – but if you’re passing up life for comfort, you’re doing a great disservice to yourself and your boyfriend.

There are tons of compromises in a long-term union. If you’ve asked all the hard questions and determined you want to stay with your BF then maybe it’s your turn to ask a difficult question of him: I’m willing to stay for you. Are you willing to move for me?

What He Said:

How is this not a deal breaker? If you want to go and he wants to stay, and you’re both set in your ways, then this is a situation that has been brought to a head (and not in a fun way). You either stay here and be miserable but still have your man, or you go off to the big city and you get to do your thing (though minus the boyfriend) and maybe you are more or less happy there.

I guess the real question here is why are you both so set in your ways on the issue? Why are you looking to leave? What is there that you can’t get where you are at? Is it a career opportunity, or is the grass simply greener?

While we’re on the subject of questions, why is he so deadest against going? Is it a family thing? A job? Is he a big fish in a small pond? There are certainly several valid reasons he might not want to go, but then again, it might not be a valid reason.

If all you need is love and he has you and he loves you, why wouldn’t he want to go? I know a woman who moved to L.A. to be an actress. Times were hard and she packed it in and went back to Texas, where she promptly met a guy and fell in love. When she confided in him that her dream was to be an actress, he insisted that they drop everything and move back to L.A. right after they got back from the honeymoon. That, my friends, is a stud.

Why isn’t your man doing that for you? That’s the real question, and the answer is far more important than which town you end up

Jealousy Issues – My Ex Boyfriend Is Getting Married!

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Jealousy can rear its ugly green head when you least expect it. Even when you think you’ve moved on from a relationship and are healthy and happy, you can get pangs of jealousy when you thought the worst of it was over. How do you get over jealousy when your last S.O. is going to be hitched to another woman?

A while back, I broke up with my long term partner. Time’s passed and I found myself an amazing man and we’re in love. Then I find out my ex is going to marry to the first chick he dated after we broke up. I’m super angry, hurt, pissed and bummed. Why? How do I make it stop?

What She Said:

It’s natural to feel weird when someone you once loved has officially moved on. In fact, there’s a possibility he felt the same when he heard about your happy relationship. But the reality is that you’ve both moved on in big ways; the sooner you embrace that, the better.

Keeping Some Things To Yourself

It may go without saying, but I’d recommend keeping your depression to yourself versus confiding in your mate. I’m not advocating lying or keeping secrets – but this feeling will pass and it could be misconstrued in a detrimental way if you let your partner know you’re grieving the loss of your ex’s singledom. You’re happy, so why rock the boat?

How To Move On

If you’re feeling really bummed out, try writing a letter to your ex and then burn it. The purpose of this exercise is to express your feelings in a safe environment, then release them. Whatever you do, don’t send it or leave it lying around! It’s okay to feel sad for a bit – it is the end of an era. Acknowledge it – and then continue moving on. Surely you and your ex broke up for a reason. It might be good to revisit some of the bad times to ensure you don’t romanticize this guy too much.

You’re happy, you’re in a committed relationship and you’ve got nothing but the future ahead of you. It doesn’t involve your ex, but it does include a lot of new and exciting things. That sounds pretty good to me!

What He Said:

I guess the big question here is: why do you care? Maybe this guy was a real fixer up project when you met him. Maybe he was some fat, out of shape, slob with mommy issues and you turned him into a big man sized bowl of grade a quality ass. Then some other chick is enjoying the fruits of your labor? That would piss me off too. And you’d have every right to be upset. She owes you royalties, in that case. Or something.

Maybe you’re like this girl I used to know. She called herself the “practice wife” because every guy she was dating would immediately marry the next girl he dated after they broke up. She hated it. Eventually, she found a guy and they’re engaged.

This Too Shall Pass

Try not to read too much into this. Yes, it sucks. But it will pass. You’re happy in your new relationship, so what else matters? Jack shit, that’s what. Maybe you had visions of marrying that man, and maybe in retrospect, it wasn’t the best idea to start picking out your China patterns before it’s actually time to pick out the China patterns.

If getting married is something you want, sooner or later it will happen. That much is a given. The challenging part is enjoying the journey as much as possible and being kind and compassionate to yourself along the way. There’s really no point in being hard on yourself. Life is hard enough, and there are people lining up around the block to make it even harder on you. So why add on to the pile. Relax, enjoy and forget the douchebag. He’s her problem now.

Help! I Think I Might Be A Home Wrecker!

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Cheating is one thing, but what if you’re not actually the one doing it? What if you’ve met this great person who just happens to be in a relationship with someone else. Is it just as bad to be helping someone else do it? Does that make you a cheater too? Or are you in the free and clear?

What’s a woman’s responsibility as far as “home wrecking” goes? I have a huge crush on this guy and we’ve really connected. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he told me things were essentially over with them. We’ve (happily) since gotten together, but now his ex is saying I ruined their relationship. Am I at fault?

What She Said:

You only have to look as far as the headlines to get some real time examples for your question. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie anyone? Heck, even Jennifer Aniston, the “wronged” party in that “bizarre Bermuda triangle,” has recently been accused of home wrecking antics.

My question? Where does the responsibility lie for the person actually in the relationship? To continue with the high-profile celebrity example: Angelina has worn the man-stealing crown for over six years now, but Brad was the one who was married and chose to cheat. Yes, Jolie is insanely gorgeous – but Pitt is a grown man, capable of making the decision to remain in a monogamous relationship.

What’s your responsibility? It sounds like you knew there might be cheating going on – but it also sounds like your guy was fully complicit. Maybe you knew he was fudging the facts as far as his relationship status – or maybe you chose to take him at his word. Either way, you were operating off the fact that things were over.

Do you have anything to feel guilty about? Only you can know for sure. Did you flirt, regardless of his living situation? Did you make yourself available as a friend and confidant, knowing that the two of you growing closer might jeopardize his relationship? Did you mold yourself into the image of his perfect girl? Of course his ex is going to be pissed at you (and maybe she has reason to be) – but it was ultimately her partner who acted dishonestly.

There are obviously a myriad of combinations, but at the end of the day I still believe this: Anyone can be tempted to cheat and everyone has a choice as to whether or not he or she follows through on that action. I’m a fan of clean breaks – if the relationship is truly over, end it before starting something new. That’s the real way to take responsibility.

What He Said

I don’t know the specifics, but if he wasn’t 100 % free and clear of his ex (as in totally broken up with her), then yes, you’d be a factor. But after that, it gets grey. Many marriages, for example end long before one of the parties files for legal separation or divorce, and then in that situation, you could have come into the guys life before he officially pulled the plug on his relationship, but after it had died. It had needlessly been hanging on via life support until someone finally showed some compassion and pulled the plug on it.

In that situation if you entered his life after it died, but before the cord was pulled, would you be a home wrecker? Technically, no. But everyone will judge you as such. Why? Because people don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and so they would have no way of knowing the relationship had died a slow, painful and often sexless death before you showed up. It would just look to the outside world like you showed up and stole that poor woman’s man away.

He will be needlessly judged and persecuted as well (see my colleagues aforementioned judgment against Brad Pitt for example). It’ll look like he was some mindless hornball who cheated on this poor, defenseless, woman who is a paragon of virtue, and walks little old ladies across the street, goes to church on Sunday, etc. That happens, yes, but that doesn’t happen in all cases. You don’t know and you shouldn’t be judging (COUGH! JENNA! COUGH!)

It doesn’t matter any more, really. You’re in a relationship with him and what happened, happened. At a certain point, even if you did steal him away, she just needs to get over it and move on. There are other men out there and if he was cheating on her with you, why would she be upset anyway? She should be glad to get rid of him, after all, he’s your problem now, right?