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When to Say NO to Anal Sex…

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Trying new things in your sex life is healthy, and in many cases, even encouraged.

Some people tend to find a few things they like, such as anal sex, and may incorporate this into their sexual activities regularly.

Sometimes, however, you’ll find that after kids or other things that some things become uncomfortable or unbearable.

What happens if you become unable to perform you or your partner’s favorite sex acts due to one or more reasons?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband loves anal sex… we used to have it a lot (several years ago). Now it is extremely painful for me. I have been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and have a couple external hemorrhoids from having children. We have tried taking it easy, tried using fingers first and LOTS of lube.

How can I get over the horrible pain so he will be happy? I don’t know what else to do. Can you help me? PLEASE!!!

-Me. WV

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5onqX2asejE[/youtube]

When it becomes uncomfortable…

Many people enjoy different activities during sex. This can range from S & M to anal sex to foot fetishes to anything your imaginations can dream up.

As long as you both enjoy it and you are both being smart and safe, there’s nothing against having fun and enjoying new and different things with your partner!

Good things can’t last forever though, and you may find that some of the things you once enjoyed doing have become uncomfortable and even painful. For example, if you and your partner really enjoy having anal sex, but after children it becomes painful for you to do so, you and your partner may become frustrated.

Just what do you do if you and your partner’s favorite activities become something you aren’t able to do anymore? Do you stop? Do you grin and bear it?

But they like it…

Even if something in particular is uncomfortable or painful to you, if your partner likes it a lot, you might be inclined to let them continue and just suffer through the pain. This is not something you are obligated to do! Not only is it extremely uncomfortable for you, it might even cause you harm in some way.

If you have had surgery or have had children and there are some physical reasons that keep you from enjoying your partner in the same way you once had, talk to your doctor about how safe it is for you to continue doing so. Don’t be embarrassed! They’ve heard it all before!

If you continue, you may find that it’s not just painful, it’s downright dangerous and could cause your body further damage. Your doctor can tell you what is safe and what isn’t.

Finding something else…

While you and your partner may be disappointed at first, if you truly love each other and care about each other, you’ll find more new and exciting ways to give each other pleasure.

There are a million and one things out there that two people can do together to share each other intimately and sexually, and if you continue to try new things and work different elements into your routine, you’re bound to find something else that turns you and your partner on. Don’t give up!

They won’t let it go…

Every once in awhile, there’s someone who just won’t let it go. They may want it anyway, even if it hurts you or may cause your body damage. Rest assured, this person isn’t worth your time! You have the right to say “No” and if something hurts you, you don’t have to do it.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea that will respect your boundaries and respect you if you choose to no longer participate in an activity that makes you uncomfortable.

Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?

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Anal sex… Some people love it. Some people are disgusted by the mere mention of it.

So is it really a special treat, or a very dangerous game that should be avoided at all costs?

The answer depends on who you ask and what  their sexual preferences are. It’s not your place to judge another person nor is it another person’s right to judge your sexual preferences.

Here’s a question from a couple who watched an episode of “Talk Sex” with Sue Johanson. They’re wondering if we agree with her take on anal sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your videos on YouTube and I wanted to explore a bit more one subject. My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but she recently saw a episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. In this episode she mentioned of all the bad things that can happen if one is to have anal sex.

Our question is the following: Will having anal sex about once, twice or even 3 times a month, with lube and no pain still lead to these problems? Is it eminent like cigarettes give you breathing problems? or possible like walking and twisting an ankle? Thanks, keep up the good work!

— Domenic, California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMDDOXDn_8E[/youtube]

Is Having Anal Sex Dangerous?

Like all things, there are risks associated with having anal sex that must be considered and weighed against the pleasure and intimacy that many couples experience while engaging in this type of sex play.

Sue Johanson has written a really great article on the things to watch out for if you are going to have anal sex.

Check out her full article here.

In her article, Sue mentions many problems that could possible occur during anal sex.

Possible Complications Caused By Having Anal Sex

First, understand your anatomy. At the lower end of the bowel, there are two distinct circular bands of muscles called sphincters, one is located about an 1 ½ inches above the other. These clamp down tight to prevent the passage of feces or gas.

The mucous membrane which lines the rectum is not as heavy as the lining of the vagina, so it can tear quite easily, and it does not heal as quickly as the inner walls of the vagina. Because feces, loaded with bacteria, pass through the rectum any tears in the mucous membrane are vulnerable to infection.

The vigorous thrusting that may occur during anal intercourse can tear the mucous membrane.

What Can Happen If The Membrane Tears?

Tears in the mucous membrane of the rectum can develop into anal abscesses that can become infected.

Also, if your partner has any sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), then you could get infected through these tears.

Examples of sexually transmitted infections are: gonorrhea (treatable); venereal warts (treatable if external, difficult if up in the rectum); syphilis (treatable); herpes (treatment, no cure); yeast infection (treatable); and HIV and AIDS (treatment but no cure).

You do not want any of these STI’s.

Other Potential Problems Associated with Anal Sex

Some doctors claim that hemorrhoids (piles) could result from vigorous anal sex, and although I have no medical research to support this, I have heard people say that the rectum “gets sloppy”, meaning it stretches more than it otherwise would.

However, I am dubious. If anal “sloppiness” was true, why wouldn’t this happen as a result of regular bowel movements? Since there is no definitive research on this, I’ll leave it up to you to decide how you feel about this.

Should You Have Anal Sex Anyway?

Well, according to Sue, the best prevention is to not go there at all!

But if you do decide to try anal sex, she suggests that both you and your partner talk about it and agree on the following points. And we absolutely agree with everything she says in this list.

  • Your partner must be very, very gentle, absolutely no forced penetration and no vigorous thrusting.
  • You must use lots and lots of good lubrication, (anal lube, not saliva).
  • Your partner must use a condom…all the time, every time.
  • Your partner must respect “stop”. If you say ouch, or it hurts, or No or quit… they must stop immediately.
  • It must be understood, if you do not want to have anal sex again, there will be no pressure, no threats and no pleading. NO means NO.
  • Use a well-lubricated condom without spermicide, either on the sex toy or his penis. Spermicide can irritate the rectum.
  • Never shift from anal sex back to vaginal sex without changing condoms. Feces can end up in the vagina and cause infections. And please wash your hands with soap and water after handling the dirty condom or you could still spread infectious material.

Just How Risky Is It?

The problems that Sue mentions in her article are definitely possible, but not necessarily probable…

Like smoking, the risks are lower if you do it less often.

Chances are you’re not going to get lung cancer from smoking one pack of cigarettes. And as long as you’re careful when having anal sex, the chances of running into the problems that Sue mentions in her article are greatly reduced if you do it very carefully and only occasionally.

Keep in mind that the rectum is designed as an “out hole” – not an “in hole”. Our advice is that if you are going to have anal sex, be very gentle and take it very slowly, use lots and lots of good quality lubrication, and save it as the occasional treat.

Don’t make it a regular activity that you do every day. Save it for special occasions.

Is It OK For Me To Talk My Partner Into Trying Anal Sex?

Like Sue, we get lots of questions from men wondering how they can “talk their girlfriend into having anal sex“. She adamantly says that you should never try to convince your partner to have anal sex.

We think it could go either way. We all use the art of gentle persuasion a hundred times a day to convince our kids to clean their rooms, to convince our husband to take out the trash, to talk ourselves into going to the gym when we don’t always feel like it.

Persuasion is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to move past our fears and overcome our shyness.

We do, however, want to stress that no one should ever be forced or pressured into doing any sexual act that they’re not 100% comfortable with and willing to do.

Do not confuse gentle persuasion with force and coercion!

Talk to your partner, and figure out works well for both of you. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved – anal or otherwise.

Getting Anal Sex Right – The First Time

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There are a lot of myths and a lot of mis information going around about the very taboo topic of anal sex.

Often times men want it and women SOMETIMES indulge them. But there’s so much more to that.

Our friend Rose from Speak Sexy just posted a great article entitled Getting Anal Sex Right – The First Time. This is a great instructional piece on anal sex, going into all the how-to details.

But be warned… And I’ll quote Rose when she says “This article contains things that may make you feel uncomfortable. It is intended for mature, open-minded adults only.” So only click if you actually want the vivid details. In addition Speak Sexy features various erotic and sometimes nude photos. 🙂

Take a moment to enjoy our recent videos on this beautifully sinful and taboo sexual fantasy…

Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMDDOXDn_8E[/youtube]

Anal Sex – How to Make Her REALLY Want It

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMJjXReFZUo[/youtube]

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Me To Have Anal Sex!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrEnHTxyDQQ[/youtube]

Help! My Boyfriend Wants Me To Have Anal Sex!

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Men and women tend to approach sex differently. This isn’t to say that women don’t enjoy or want sex just as much as men, but they don’t tend to go about it the same way. Women tend to prefer more foreplay and seduction.

Couples that are completely open and honest with each other can experience an amazing sex life playing together. This is because they listen to each other, and they discover each other’s fantasies and desires.

They also know that having a great sex life is about more than experiencing amazing orgasms in various positions. It’s about trying and experiencing new things together – truly playing together.

The problem comes in when one partner ups the ante and wants to try something more exotic than their lover is comfortable with.

This can be the woman maybe wanting to tie her lover up, the man wanting to try anal sex with his girlfriend, or hundreds of other exotic sexual permutations.

And since anal sex is such a popular fantasy for so many men, let’s talk about how this desire impacts all the women who are dealing with those men.

Of course, pushing boundaries is often just half the fun for sexual play, so it’s important to peel back those fears and figure out where they started.

So what’s a girl to do when her boyfriend REALLY wants to try anal sex, especially when he tries SO hard to please her?

Here’s a question from a lady in Florida facing this sexual dilemma with her boyfriend…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have recently started dating this very great guy. I introduced him to the family, and he got their approval. Usually this does not happen, so I got the green light from my family, and friends, and even random neighbors! Everyone says “you look great together!” Plus I feel very happy around him. He calls me all the time, pays me respect and attention and even has declared that he wants to marry me if I permit it.

Okay, so the problem is this. When we have sex, he is very focused and he puts all of his energy and stamina into it… which lasts a little too long for my taste! Also he is very experimental and wants to satisfy my every request! This is great right?

Well, now he pushed up the stakes and wants to try Anal sex! I don’t want to try it because I read that it is dangerous or bad, and I don’t want to break this taboo. However I have been extremely experimental in the past, but I never tried this. Am I being too prudish or what? How should I maintain a great sex life and relationship with him, but not make him feel rejected or limited in the bedroom?

— Cynthia, Florida

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrEnHTxyDQQ[/youtube]

Why Your Friends and Family Have No Business In Your Sex Life

In addition to taboos in our society, fear of what your friends and family might say is a big deterrent keeping some people from truly broadening out and enjoying a more varied and exotic sex life.

But really, this shouldn’t be an issue. Sex is something private between the two of you – you’re not going to be discussing your latest sexual adventures at you next family dinner – at least if you’re smart. Actually, be sure you don’t. Some people actually talk to their families about their sex lives, and this often results in arguments and fighting. Yes, we’ve very big on open and honest communication, but truly your family has no business knowing or discussing what specifically you do to each other in the bedroom. Nor does anyone else…

Even if at first you’re not comfortable talking openly with your partner about sex (and you’d rather talk with your buddies), this communication is crucial to a happy and fulfilling sex life. So figure out a way to actually talk to each other!

Why Our Culture Has So Many Sexual Taboos…

At the core of it, most of the sexual taboos in our culture originate from hundreds (thousands) of years where one church or another was the law of the land.

Even today there are plenty of people who’ll try to convince you that you can’t do this, shouldn’t do that, and should never do the other since it’s downright evil and immoral. But at the end of the day, what grown adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is nobody else’s business.

Unless you happen to subscribe to whatever particular religious belief doesn’t tolerate your sexual practices, what they think isn’t really your concern.

Unfortunately, growing up in this environment of taboos, where people are afraid to even talk about the more involved areas of sexuality, results in mass ignorance. People grow up knowing little about sex, and less about safe sex, and even less about the right way to talk about sex.

As popular a fantasy as anal sex is in today’s society, it’s still hard to find someone that will talk about it. People tend to be shocked that you even brought it up. So we definitely have a way to go and evolve as a society, until we can speak openly to one another about topics that today tend to stay behind closed doors.

Should You Try Anal Sex Just to Keep Him From Feeling Rejected?

Well, that’s a tough question. If your man pays you amazing attention and bends over backwards to make sure you’re always “satisfied”, then it certainly wouldn’t hurt to try and reciprocate by at least trying to fulfill his fantasy.

Maybe more importantly though, consider if down deep you may actually want to try it, but haven’t because you were afraid of social stigmas or what others would say.

So, if you want to keep him from feeling rejected, maybe consider trying it.

As an alternative, you could maybe try a limited approach to this, like maybe just a finger, and see how that goes. Having said that, everyone has their limits. If it’s terrible, stop and don’t do it again. It’s that simple.

The only reason to do anything in life is because you want to – not out of obligation to anyone.

Safety and Anal Sex – Why Taking It Slow Is SO Important

If done right and taken slowly, anal sex can be safe, and many women actually like it – once they get over the taboo anyway…

But it’s important to realize that mother nature didn’t intend this to be an ‘in’ hole, so the body does not self lubricate this area. Which means you need to bring your own lubricant, and plenty of it. If you’re not careful, someone could really get hurt.

That area of the body is very sensitive, and it’s very easy to cause injury if you’re not really careful. Aside from not wanting to hurt your partner, do you really want to explain to your family why you guys were at the hospital the other day? So play it safe, and use lots of lubricant.

And most importantly, take it very slow!

Anal Sex – How to Make Her REALLY Want It

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Contrary to popular belief, a happy and fulfilling sex life is about more than just exotic sex games and incredible, earth shattering orgasms.

It’s about truly understanding the sexual as well as the emotional desires of your partner, and fulfilling those needs. This means paying attention to what they want, and doing your best to satisfy their needs.

The topic of anal sex is a real sore point for so many couples (truly, no pun intended)

Yet few are willing to talk about this issue, and fewer still are willing to answer their questions.

With all the bizarre taboos and social stigmas in our culture today, it’s no wonder that so many people have utterly dysfunctional and empty sex lives. In the true spirit of this advice column, we’ll cover this topic in an open and honest manner.

So at the end of the day, can you really entice your wife or girlfriend into trying anal sex, and what’s the best way to go about it?

Here’s a question from a man in New Mexico wondering how to conquer this sexual challenge with his girlfriend…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How do I talk my girlfriend into having anal sex?

— Jay, New Mexico

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMJjXReFZUo[/youtube]

Why is it that so many men want their wife or girlfriend to have anal sex at some time or another?

Some guys can’t stand the idea, but for many it’s a serious turn-on. Maybe it’s just the forbidden aspect that draws them, the thought of doing something they’re not supposed to be doing, and getting away with it in secret. Or maybe not.

Regardless, for women, this is a whole different story. While some have tried it and actually even like it, most are unwilling to even talk about it… and they certainly don’t generally want to try it. Well, therein lies the problem.

So why don’t most women want to have anal sex?

1. Anal sex definitely falls into the hot list of choice sexual practices that’s viewed by many as taboo in our culture.

Basically there’s a lot of social stigma around most anything other than missionary position. So you just have to decide if you’re going to live your life and enjoy your sex life in a way that’s dictated by other people’s phobias and preconceived judgments – or are you going to follow your own path? What you and your partner share and experience in the bedroom is nobody’s business but your own, and nobody other than the two of you has a right to influence what you do and do not choose to do.

2. Many women are afraid it’ll hurt, and have heard it could even be dangerous.

Worse yet, they may have tried it before, and they KNOW it’ll hurt. Not exactly a good start to a sexually charged evening.

How do you approach the topic with your wife or girlfriend?

The first step is to actually TALK to her about it, openly and honestly. For some reason most men have great difficulty actually talking about sex with their partner. They’ll talk with their friends, but not with their lover. This goes back to completely open and honest communication – a MUST for a happy relationship and a fulfilling sex life.

Guess what – it doesn’t matter what your friends think about it, and what they would do in your place. Unless she’s up for it, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to talk with HER.

But be ready to hear that she may not want ANYTHING to do with it. Period.

Can you seduce her into trying it?

Once you’ve talked with her, you should have a feeling for how receptive she is. If she’s apprehensive (or dead set against it), then your chances of success can be pretty slim.

Although trying to get someone to do something against their will is most always a bad idea, that doesn’t mean you have to give up on all your fantasies just because you didn’t initially get a yes.

Here are some ideas…

  • Bring it up when she’s already aroused. The more aroused the better.
  • Keep trying now and then, but without being too insistent or making her feel guilty. And whatever you do, don’t get into an argument about it. That’s a quick way to guarantee it won’t happen.
  • Put her fears at ease… let her know that you’ll be very gentle, and you’ll take good care of her. If she’s afraid it’ll hurt, then being reassured that you will take it easy should be a big help. Major tip here – be sure to stick to your promise and actually be nurturing, or your first time will be your last. Also, use lots of lubricant – that area of your body is not self lubricating, so this is a must.
  • A little “slippage” while in the heat of passion (read: while a certain lady is climaxing) may just do the trick. Again, this is delicate territory, so tread lightly. But sexual playfulness is tends to be a great stimulant in most situations.
  • Encourage her to be adventurous and experimental in your love making, so that your sex life is always getting more fun and exciting. But be prepared for what SHE may want YOU to try too. 🙂