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Why Can’t I Let Go and Have An Orgasm With My Partner?

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Having an orgasm doesn’t mean losing all control – it just means letting go.

Still, some women find themselves incapable of having an orgasm or stopping one that is on the way – often because of emotional baggage that keeps them from releasing their inhibitions.

Therapy can help women work through their issues and build enough self confidence to start enjoying themselves sexually with a partner they trust.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hey there, I have a question that I’m embarrassed asking. I have had a series of bad boyfriends, hurtful, hateful relationships. The times I had sex with them I never got any pleasure and I have never had an orgasm. I have read that you lost control during orgasm. I do not wish to.

I have a new boyfriend 🙂 He is so sweet and caring, and he cares about making me happy and giving me pleasure. But I cannot bring myself to let him make me cum. I always stop him the minute it starts to feel good. I know he is hurt. What can I do to make myself orgasm? How do I stop myself from stopping? What does it feel like? I’m a little confused.

-Sarah, Canterbury, New Zealand

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-sSpT4lsTk[/youtube]

Why Can’t I Let Go and Have An Orgasm With My Partner?

Some women find themselves unable to orgasm – while this can unfortunately be common, less common are the women who actually stop an orgasm from happening.  Their fears of losing control overwhelm them and they are unable to have an orgasm, even if they’re already on the path to one.

Let’s examine why having an orgasm is not “losing control” but actually just “letting go.”

It’s not unreasonable to think that having an orgasm means you have to lose control – losing control and letting go are actually very similar.  What you should understand, however, is that even though you are letting go of your inhibitions to have an orgasm, you are still in control.  You are in control as long as you are a consenting adult who is having sex with a partner with whom you desire to have sex with.

With that said, inhibitions are often what stop many women from having an orgasm.  A woman who is self conscious or is overwhelmed with emotional issues will have more trouble letting go than a woman who is self confident and emotionally secure.

What if you can’t orgasm?

If you find that you are unable to have an orgasm or find yourself stopping an orgasm, you really need to sit down and think about why.  If you’re with a partner who wants to please you and you feel comfortable with them, chances are it has nothing to do with your partner.

Are you able to orgasm during masturbation?  If so, what makes you feel like you can’t orgasm with a partner?  For some women, strings of bad or abusive relationships can take their toll on the emotions and keep them from being able to let go and have an orgasm.

Can emotional issues be solely to blame for a women not being able to have an orgasm?

You bet – but you can talk to your doctor just to be on the safe side.  This isn’t necessary if you find yourself actually stopping an orgasm from happening because that’s not physiological – that’s just you.

Confront the issue

A good way to overcome this issue is to confront it.  Don’t be embarrassed about it and don’t run away from it.  It will only get worse as time goes on and may cost you relationships.  What can you do?

See a therapist.  See someone who can talk you through your emotional issues and help you confront them.  A good therapist can help you sort things out and give you the tools and resources you need – not to mention support – to overcome the inability to let yourself have an orgasm.

Above all, don’t get angry with yourself or punish yourself because you are in this sort of situation.  It’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it’s nothing to be afraid of or angry about.  Working with a therapist can help you build enough self confidence so you can truly let go of your inhibitions without losing control and be able to experience a wonderful orgasm with a partner you truly love and care about.

How Do We know If An Open Marriage Is Right For Us?

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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBlZG4P7F24[/youtube]Open marriages – are they always a bad idea?  Are they ever a good idea?  Every individual and every couple is different.  What an open marriage means to one couple may mean something entirely different to another.

Many things come into play when you start thinking about sharing your partner with someone else – and there’s lots of room for hurt feelings, jealousy and even feelings for the outside partner.

How can you sort out whether or not having an open marriage is a good idea for you and your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m married, have a child and pregnant with second. My husband introduce the idea of “Open Marriage”. I do not see signs of him cheating so this is not an excuse for him to seek affairs. I started to have straying thoughts lately, because of my unsatisfied sex life and a cute male co-worker. He is not the player type but he fell for me and he struggles like me.

If no one is happy in this situation, would the open marriage thing really be the cure? Is it worth it adjusting my personal views on open marriage? What do I do if I fall in love with the new guy but he is not as good as my husband in terms of being a dad? What do I say to my kids one day? I feel so bad, and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

— Jane, California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBlZG4P7F24[/youtube]

How to know if an open marriage is right for you

First of all, it’s pretty much a known fact (or at least an unspoken one) that open marriages are exclusively for relationships that are strong.  Real strong.  Does that mean that people always abide by that?  Of course not!

Many people feel that an open relationship could possibly “fix” problems in a marriage or if they are bored or drifting apart that seeing other people (in addition to their relationship) is the answer.  This is far from the truth – in the majority of relationships that are on the rocks, deciding to have an open marriage ends up making things much, much worse.

You should only consider having an open marriage if you and your partner are extremely happy with each other, and your relationship is strong.  “Swinging” or an open marriage can definitely spice things up.

Part of finding out if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship is asking yourself some difficult questions.  Why are you thinking about an open marriage?  Is your partner the one suggesting it?  Why do you think they are bringing it up?  If the answers to those questions are “sex” then you’re probably on the right track.

Open marriages and swinging are really all about experiencing a new level of sexual awareness that you and your partner have never had before.  It can be fun and exciting when the motives are purely sexual and there are no emotions involved.

When an open marriage is a bad idea

If your answers to those questions gravitate more towards the fact that you and your partner are looking to fill an emotional void that your current partner isn’t filling, you’re headed into dangerous waters.  That’s when you need to sit down and really think about your current relationship – are you and your partner really happy together?

If not, it’s something you need to work out before you and your partner start seeing other people in an open marriage.

Generally, if you and your partner are seeking an open relationship for healthy, sexual reasons and not because you’re unhappy with the other, you’re fine to try an open marriage.

If you find that you and your partner are unhappy with each other or unhappy with your marriage, an open relationship will really rock the boat and you’re much better off working to make your current marriage healthy or going your separate ways.

If having an open marriage is really what you and your partner want, then go for it.  Just make sure that you and your partner are completely open and honest with each other.  Talk to each other about your experiences and feelings about each other and about the situation.  Play it safe and play it smart sexually and you and your partner may end up growing closer together.

Can Men Really Have Multiple Orgasms?

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A woman has the ability to have more than one orgasm in a day or even more than one orgasm per sexual episode – sometimes one right after the other.

Many people believe that this is something gender exclusive and that men can’t achieve the same experience – but is that really true?

We’re going to take a look at both the physical – and social – boundaries that might (or might not) be keeping men from having more than one big O.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

There are many drugs out there to keep a man arouse, my husband doesn’t have this problem…

Are there drugs out there to help him have multi-orgasms?
(speaking about more than 1 per day.. not necessarily more than once per ‘event’).

– Jenn, Georgia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7jkbX3C8NM[/youtube]

Think men can’t orgasm more than once? Think again!

It’s a common misconception that men can’t have more than one orgasm, but sadly it’s a misconception held by many people – both men and women.  There are plenty of different factors that come into play here and it’s important to take an in-depth look at each one.

Let’s take a look at social boundaries for a minute.

Before we address a man’s ability to be multi-orgasmic or not, we need to clarify the meaning of an “orgasm,” especially for a man.  Generally, most people believe that for a man, ejaculation and orgasm are one in the same.

It might be surprising to hear, but they’re not!  It is quite possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation and sometimes even the other way around.

As a whole, people are very focused and goal oriented, even when it comes to something as enjoyable as sex.  Some people feel that giving their partners more than one orgasm is an “achievement” of sorts and before too long, it becomes a race to see how many orgasms you can give them – so much to the point that some people actually forget about their own pleasure.

Just a quick note – orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex.  You can enjoy sex just as much without one, so make sure that if you’re trying for multiple orgasms, you’re still enjoying the ride.

With that said, can a man have an orgasm even if he’s already ejaculated?

Sure, but it might take some practice.  Of course, this isn’t like piano practice when you were eight – this is fun practice!  You and your partner can have a blast experimenting sexually to try to achieve multiple orgasms.

Just make sure there’s no pressure to perform or judgment from either side.  This can seriously put a damper on the mood and the ability to have more than one orgasm.

What if he can’t?

While it’s certainly possible that men can have more than one orgasm (even after ejaculation), it’s also possible that they can’t.  While you should get any suspicious conditions checked out by a reputable doctor, in the absence of any other symptoms and a doctor’s diagnosis, not having the ability to be multi-orgasmic is not a problem in and of itself.

So relax!  It’s also not a death sentence – if he can’t have more than one orgasm now, it doesn’t mean he won’t be able to later.  Just go with the flow.

There are lots of things you can do to help the situation – books are a great starting point.  There are lots of books about sex (namely tantric sex, which focuses more on the orgasm and not the ejaculation) and how to achieve more than one orgasm.

Your local bookstore should be able to help you out.  There are also great resources online – just make sure you’re getting your information from a reputable website.

Above all, remember to have fun.  It’s not a race – so enjoy your partner and make the most of it!

The Secret Cure For A Dwindling Sex Life

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One Christmas a girlfriend of mine handed out packages to our little group of friends.  One by one my friends opened their packages containing beautiful flannel pajamas from Neiman’s with high-healed shoes all over them.

But my package didn’t contain pajamas. Mine contained a book and some toiletries.  Embarrassed, my friend said, “Well, I know you sleep naked, so I had to think of something else!”  I just laughed.

This particular woman has had marital difficulties as long as I have known her.  Somehow she and her husband managed to have a child; I don’t really know how they did I considering they almost never have sex.  The other women have modest sex lives, I’m sure.

Sleeping naked has many rewards

What I know for sure is that they don’t have as rewarding and active a sex life as they could if they are wearing pajamas to bed!

Wearing your birthday suit to bed offers many rewards.  Not the least of which is that it makes sex a lot more likely to happen.  Here is my list of the advantages of sleeping naked with your partner:

  1. Increased oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a hormone released with skin-to-skin contact.  Touching skin-to-skin from head to toe all night long provides us with a steady stream of this beneficial hormone.  Some of the benefits of oxytocin are: increased sense of well-being; decreased heart rate; and reduction of stress hormones, increased sense of trust, and…. Drum roll…. Sexual arousal!
  2. Getting into “the mood” for sex is hard for women. We tend to stay in our heads and worry about being tired, or that the kids will hear, or whatever we are stressing about that day.  This does not put us in the mood for sexual contact; in fact it tends to make us feel more alone and isolated. Many women will simply answer “Not tonight, dear” if asked if they want to have sex just because they have too much going on in their heads.  Getting skin-to-skin stimulates sexual feelings no matter whom you are or what is going on in your head.
  3. One of the strongest detriments for having sex is a sense of disconnect between the couple.  When we feel disconnected from our partner, we lose a sense of desire for them.  This is why good communication that involves respect and empathy helps us to feel more sexual toward each other. Sleep naked breaks down those psychological barriers.
  4. Sleeping skin-to-skin increases our sense of bonding.  Think about it, when you are first dating you can’t keep your hands off each other can you? When you have a baby you can’t keep your hands off of them either.  Bonding increases with skin-to-skin contact.

You will have sex more often.  Being close and naked makes it a lot easier to move into being sexual together.

Before you protest too much…

Okay, okay, I know what you are going to say, “I can’t sleep without clothes on!” Anytime you change a routine it takes time to adjust.  Your body is just used to your sleeping with clothing touching its skin.  It will get used to being naked, eventually.

My entire life I had slept on my side curled up in the fetal position.  There are pictures of me like this as a child.  Yet when I had shoulder surgery I could not sleep that way. I was forced to learn to sleep on my back.  It was hard the first couple of nights, but I got used to it. You’ll get used to sleeping naked, too.

Now the other argument I hear is that you’d be too cold.  Well, if you are cold, get an electric blanket!

Excuses, excuses

All of these seem like excuses to me. If you don’t want to have sex more often that’s a sign of needing help.  We are programmed through biology to want to be sexual. If something is interfering with that desire you need to check it out.

Make sure there is not something physical going on (it could be hormones).  Then get yourself to a psychologist to find out what is blocking your desire.  It could be problems in the marriage or it could be problems from your past, but it’s not natural to not want to be sexual with your partner.

The benefits of sleeping nude

Even Dr. Oz stated he is a proponent of couples sleeping naked.  A month or two ago he appeared on Oprah and told the world that if you want to increase your sex life, thereby increasing your overall health, you should sleep naked.

Having more sex has many health benefits and increases the chances of your marriage lasting. Okay, I am not talking marathon sex here; I am also not talking having sex five times a day, once or twice a day can do wonders. Having sex at least once a day increases our general health and well-being.

Spending half an hour a day in the most enjoyable and healthy exercise you can partake you will live longer, feel more satisfied with your life, and be healthier. Not to mention it will do increase the odds of your marriage living as long as you do!

Great Sex Begins With A Sensual Massage

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With today’s hectic and fast-paced world, it’s not a surprise that a lot of people don’t have great sex.

Everyone’s just too tired!

So how do you ensure that you and your partner are on your way to great sex without being discouraged by ‘all the work’ that lay ahead to ensure it? Indulge in a sexual massage.

A Sexual Massage Paves the Way for Great Sex

A sexual massage puts you and your partner in the perfect mood for a long night of great sex. Think about it. You’re not just jumping on each other, and subconsciously telling yourselves to ‘hurry up’ and get it over with.

A sexual massage actually tells your mind and body to RELAX; but because it’s a sexual massage, you can bet sexual tension will be there, making for a night of great sex after all!

Bathroom or bedroom?

Decide if you want to carry out the sexual massage while having a long, luxurious, warm soak in the tub or in your bedroom. Either way, just make sure you have the ambiance right.

In the bathroom, make sure candles are lighted and scent oils are burning.If you’re joining your partner in the tub, make sure everything is within your reach. And if you’re planning a long session, a bottle of wine and a few food items (cheese, crackers, etc.) are fine too.

If you’re having the sexual massage in the bedroom, then make sure you’ve cleaned the room and allotted a space for the massage. If you’re worried about staining your bed sheets, you can put another type of fabric over your bed. You can also just put thick blankets and throw a couple of pillows on the floor. Candles, music and scented oils should complete the look.

How To Give A Sexual Massage

Use your fingertips

Here’s a sexual massage technique using your fingertips: straddle your partner’s thighs. Rub warm massage oil on your hands and massage your partner’s back with long, soothing strokes. Don’t put your hand flat on his/her back. Just use your fingertips and ‘rake’ his/her back.  Alternate your strokes. Apply hard pressure, and then light ones.

Use your palms

Without skipping a beat, massage his/her back using the whole width of your hand. This firmer technique helps the body relax. Remember to NOT massage ‘bony areas’. Place the palms of both your hands on his/her back and move them in circles, firmly outward and away from her spine.

Use your hot breath

Now it’s time to up the sexual tension in the room. Put some warm massage oil on your upper body. Put your arms on either side of your partner’s body (he/she should be lying face down) and then slowly lower yourself till your covering his/her body. Try to envelope his/her body as much as possible with yours. Now start to glide your body over his/hers… and if you get carried away now and proceed to having a long night of great sex, then so be it!