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Think Masturbation is Wrong? Here’s The REAL Truth…

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This is how messed up my understanding of faith and sexuality was as a believer in Jesus. In order to show myself worthy and approved, in order to make sure I can present myself pure before God, self-love was not an option for a believer because it was seen as a sin against God.

Masturbation means I see something (or someone) to cause my loins to stir and thus touch myself; this means I violated the “fornication” code of having sex outside of marriage and violating God’s plan for me.

The message against masturbation

I can’t remember if I became a believer first, masturbated first, or both, but I think after reading some Christian books and hearing teachers from the pulpit come heavy against sexual issues I got the message very clear. If you are to a believer of honor, then you are to keep yourself sexually pure till marriage.

I tried not to touch myself down there. Not to masturbate or think of pleasing myself because it’s evil, of course. My will power (unfortunately) was like one Cosmo Kramer who was the first to loose “the Contest” against Jerry, Elaine, and George on the Seinfield series.

Then again, that could be a good thing.

But is It really wrong?

You see after many tears, many times mentally and spiritually beating myself up, I soon realized maybe masturbation is not a bad thing after all. My human sexuality teacher recommended Betty Dodson’s book “Sex for One.”

Man! Talk about an eye opening theory about the practice; she even had pictures and the whole nine yards.

But the thing that won me over to the “Touch Myself” club was a letter from a Pentecostal woman from Cincinnati, Ohio. She wrote how she felt guilty for years due to the church world she lives in, but because of the book it opened her eyes and mind. Now she knows God won’t shoot her down for touching herself.

“Well if she can do it and find inner peace, why not me?” I thought.

The truth about loving yourself

I realized a few things along the way to enjoy masturbation and keep things in perspective:

Many believers look at Onan as the reason why masturbation shouldn’t be part of a believer or non-believers life. If the passage in Genesis is looked at closely you can see it wasn’t masturbation in the sense of giving pleasure to ones self. God struck down Er because of his wickedness. After that happened, God asked Onan to fulfill the duty of his brother and continue the gene line by lying with his widow Tamar.

In what could be dubbed “the costliest money shot of all time” Onan “spilled his seed” so Er’s family line wouldn’t have an offspring. So Onan lost his life over the betrayal.

Tradition and retribution

Somehow tradition–or the fear of God’s retribution–latched on to this story as a way to keep many men (or women) from masturbation. So please, for the love of truth, stop blaming Onan as the one who messed up masturbation. Blame it all on tradition and for a wrong-headed approach to understanding to what self-love is all about.

The real truth

All the myths about masturbation–blindness, hairy palms, madness, neurotic disorder, etc.—are not true. Next!

We all masturbate throughout our lives. From the time we are babies till we are old and gray, masturbation is one of those things that makes us human. To deny it is both comical and tragic at the same time.

Frequency of self-love ranges from several times a day to every other day to a few weeks to none at all (unless one suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder). But normally, you are fine if that’s all you do with yourself.

God will not condemn you for having a sexual thought let alone if you are touching yourself over a sexual thought. You might have problems if you are thinking about possessing someone you know doesn’t belong to you.

But if a person turns you on, or an image, or a sexual thought and you just have to express your normal desires you are feeling then enjoy the time with yourself.

Masturbation is good for you!

The health benefits are huge! You can find out what turns you on and causes orgasm to releasing some sexual tension by masturbation. Also, it helps with sexual dysfunction due to the inability to orgasm, prostate health for men, relieves menstrual cramps, eases headaches, causes one to sleep, and promotes well being with the chemicals released during orgasm. Hmm, the benefits outweigh the myths. Did I mention it’s the safest sexual practice of them all?

The last thing about masturbation we need to touch on as Christians is the guilt factor. Again, if you feel you have the freedom to enjoy this practice without any guilt whatsoever weighing on your mind then enjoy.

Too many times believe everything our preachers and teachers say instead of studying for ourselves–with scientific fact and research–whether a practice is beneficial or not.

The information we have today is very accurate as opposed to the myths we discussed earlier. I have come to realize I have more issues about dealing with the things coming from my heart than self-love. Let all the ravers and ranters from the pulpit scream all they want. Masturbation is as good of a time as one person can with themselves.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

(Note: Thanks to Betty Dodson for their info and pick up a copy of her landmark book Sex for One: the Joy of Self-Loving)

Watching Porn – How Do I Make My Lying Husband Come Clean?

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Your husband watches porn.

He lies about it.

You get angry.

You fight.

Welcome to the club. We don’t know a single woman that hasn’t at least gotten miffed about her man’s porn watching. Is it the man’s fault? Should he stop watching it? Well, we’re going to be honest here and you may not like what we have to say.

It’s not the man’s fault and no, he shouldn’t have to stop watching porn.

We’re also going to share a little secret with you that may make your life easier.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I have been together for eight years. We have a pretty good sex life, but for the past year we have been fighting about porn. He sneaks off and watches it. I have tried to get him to watch it with me, hoping he will stop sneaking and lying about it.

I have low self esteem and it hurts. I wish he would share it with me, it is starting to cause a problem with our marriage.

— Stephanie, PA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMAw3iBxZr4[/youtube]

So he watches porn…

Let’s break it down. He watches porn – why? Well, because he likes it. Women may not understand that but there are many things that women do that men don’t “get.” For example, women have their nails done. They do it because they like it and it feels good. Do women get their nails done because there’s something about their husbands that they don’t like? Absolutely not! For men, watching porn is pleasurable, plain and simple.

Of course he lies about it

You ask him about his habits and he lies about it. Of course you know better, but why is he lying? The answer to that question is a tough one – he is lying about it because he doesn’t feel safe being honest with you. Why would he feel that way? He is afraid of you getting angry at him for doing something as natural to him as washing your hair. How would you like it if you got interrogated and yelled at every time you washed your hair?

Why you have a problem with it

Now that you understand more about where your man is coming from on this issue, you can delve a little deeper into how you feel about the situation. When he watches porn, it hurts you. Sure it does, but it shouldn’t and the reason it hurts you has nothing to do with him.

Many women are in this same position because they have low self-esteem and jealousy or control issues. These are coming from you – not him. Take some time to really think about why you feel the way you do about porn and do what you can to change those things. This is the time to really focus on yourself– trust us, when you take care of the inner issues, the outer ones don’t seem like such a big deal.

Take action

With that said, we know you’re not going to sit back and let him watch porn all day while you take a hot bath and work on self-acceptance. Here’s what you can do to take action:

Get your own porn, your own toys and get on with it! Too shy? Don’t worry – after you’ve taken care of those inner issues, confidence will begin to take their place. Let your husband watch how you do it and chances are he’ll really get into it.

Don’t make rules about when he can or can’t watch porn – he’s free to do it by himself or with you. If you leave the issue alone and let him be himself, he’ll probably take a little from column A and a little from column B – and that’s okay.

How to Induce Sexual Desire In Your Bedroom

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Picture this: you guys are so into each other that you can’t wait any longer to make love.

You start ripping each other’s clothes off and proceed to the bedroom. Once you get there, somebody steps on a gadget left on the floor causing pain.

You move on but the open window is bringing in all the noise from outside and a strange smell from the nearby garbage dump. You both still try to proceed with sex but the bed hasn’t actually been made that morning and it’s smelling a bit in addition to having cookie crumbs all over it.

You both decide to try again… sometime.

What a bummer! If only you had time to prepare your bedroom for lovemaking! Well read on, following are tips that are GUARANTEED to up sexual desire in your bedroom.

How to Make Your Bedroom Hot, Sexy and Ready for Love… Anytime!

Lighting is everything.

Bright yellow lights or glaring white fluorescent lights contribute nothing to sexual desire in the bedroom. What you need are room lights that can be dimmed or a simple bedside lamp that can be dimmed. Better yet, go for scented candles ready for lighting at a moment’s notice!

Music – and Love – is in the air.

You must have some form of music player in your room right? Make sure that you have a couple of tracks that simply shout LOVE in the air. A couple of Barry White (Michael Buble for the younger crowd) CD’s never hurt. It really depends on what you and she are into in terms of music genres. Some couples like opera music (you know, the crescendos make great backdrops to orgasms!), while other’s prefer a 1980s collection of love songs.

The smell of love…

At this point, we’ll go a bit beyond the scented candles and/or burning scented oils. Try to ‘train’ her to associate a certain smell with lovemaking. The trick here is to condition her brain to think of sex every time she smells a particular smell.

For example, on the first night you plan to engage in foreplay, give her a bunch of red roses (or any flower you know she likes). This way, she thinks of making out every time she smells red roses.

Now, on the first night you plan to engage in sex, make sure red rose petals are scattered on the bed or a fresh bouquet of red roses is in the bedroom. Again, the goal is to make her ALWAYS associate a specific scent to you and your lovemaking sessions!

Action speaks louder than words.

Keep in mind that no trick beats a previously sexually pleasurable or great experience with you. Say that you guys made love a week ago at some other location and you saw to it that she climaxed BEFORE you did, she’ll remember this and you can be sure that this time – in your own bedroom – she’ll be showing you just how grateful she is!

When Swinger Sex Goes Horribly Wrong…

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Threesomes and swinging are on most male fantasy lists, but what happens when it goes horribly wrong?

Over the course of my three marriages I have been encouraged by husbands to engage in a variety of interesting (and some downright bizarre) possible sexual behaviors.  Of course, I tended to marry sex addicts, so the range of possibilities stretched a lot further than my sensibilities.

Along the way, I’ve been “encouraged” to participate in all kinds of things that became problems later on.  Some of these were physically not a good idea, and I won’t go into that!

My first husband liked fantasies.  I am quite creative so I was able to come up with all kinds of fun and innocent stories to keep him excited.  I became good at playing the part and keeping things spicy – nothing dangerous or problematic there.  But then eventually with some of the stories, he liked the idea of making them happen.  These included other people.

While I can appreciate the desire to add spice and variety to the bedroom, I’ve discovered through my own (and others) experiences, there are some kinds of behaviors that are a set up for disaster.  When you open the door and invite another person into the intimate connection with your partner you are inviting in trouble.

Now, in theory, I will conjecture that there are couples secure enough with each other where they can have flings with other people and not do any perceivable damage to their relationship.  I’ve just never seen it happen that way personally…

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

While this is one experience, Dan and I have seen many successful open/swinging relationships… Even though we don’t agree with with everything in this article, we wanted to publish it to show what can happen when you get into swinging for the wrong reasons.

It is critical to be honest with yourself and you partner. Never allow another person to ‘push’ you into something that you’re not comfortable with. For a swinging relationship to be successful, it has to be something that both partners want, not just grudgingly agree to.

What tends to happen is that one member of the couple is more motivated than the other to pursue the “Swinger” lifestyle.  For whatever reason, having one sexual partner for the rest of their life is not appealing, but they like having a life partner.

Therefore that partner encourages the other to participate in this “exciting” adventure of “Swinging”.  Then both partners agree to it using certain ground rules.

Unfortunately, most of us are driven by feelings and impulses that have little to do with rational thought.  So then here we are, for whatever reason, in a three or four-some with our significant other being sexual, or maybe we are just swapping.  Either way, we have added unpredictable dimensions into the intimate setting of our sexual and personal relationship with our partner.

What’s predictable about it is that someone will end up hurt.  The “ground rules” will be broken and someone ends up feeling betrayed and hurt.  But, because the boundaries of the relationships fidelity were broken by the entire process of  “Swinging” already, the “acting out” partner feels like they have done nothing “wrong”.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

This is where we completely disagree. It is NOT guaranteed that someone will get hurt.

In a swinging relationship, the only time someone gets hurt is when one person breaks the rules or is dishonest, or is not open about their feelings. It’s critical to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings before, during, and after any sexual experience with another individual or couple.

We can’t say this enough! Swinging or Open Relationships are only for couples who are VERY secure in their relationship and have enough self confidence to prevent jealousy issues. Swinging is NOT a relationship fix…

After all, the injured partner already said it’s “okay” to have sex with other people.

Often this ends the relationship and on painful terms, at least for the partner whose ground rules were broken.

Linda and Mark had been dating for about four years, and they had a very active, passionate sex life.  Mark had encouraged Linda to try all kind of things that had been outside the range of her previous history, but because they pleased Mark, Linda enjoyed them.  Over time, Mark pushed the boundaries even further.  He wanted to experience having sex with two women at one time.

Linda admitted to being curious about what that would be like, so they found a willing partner.  For a while, they enjoyed this three-some with jubilance and it added a lot to their excitement for each other. When they were not having sex with her, they were fantasizing about having sex with her.  Before long, though, Linda found herself wanting time with the girl alone, without Mark.  She didn’t see the harm in it, after all, having sex with another woman was not breaking their marital vows was it?

Unfortunately, Mark did not feel that way when he found them together one night when he arrived home early from work.  Mark felt betrayed and could never look at Linda the same way again. Their relationship did not survive.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

Duh! Are we the only ones who see the problem here? Cheating is a breaking of trust. Having sex with another person without your partners agreement is cheating! Had she talked to Mark about her feelings, this situation could have been avoided all together.

So to us, this example represents an underlying communication issue. Linda did not feel comfortable sharing her feelings with Mark. That’s what broke them up – not the other girl…

Jane and Richard had been married for about three years when Richard started pushing Jane to go to “Swingers clubs” and see if there was a couple that they both agreed they’d like to engage in sex with.  Jane was uncertain, but she went and eventually did find a couple they agreed upon.  Richard loved this and told Jane how crazy he was about her and that he was really happy.

Richard bought Jane gifts and seemed to be happier than Jane had ever seen him. She felt good about her choices.  One night they went to a bar together, to meet yet another potential “Swinger” couple.  But this time only the woman was there.  Richard became flirtatious and “handsy” with the other woman.  He would pat Jane reassuringly occasionally.

Jane’s heart was broken.  From this point, she tried to pull back and change the “ground rules” for their relationship. Richard wouldn’t hear of it, and decided they should separate and re-evaluate their relationship.

Dan and Jennifer’s comments:

So why was Jane’s heart broken? What was she expecting – a night of poker? They were going to meet swingers…

Did she tell him how his made her feel at the time, or did she just get jealous and brood over it the whole evening?

If you’re ever in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable – deal with right then. Letting an issue fester over night, or for days, can ruin your relationship because the jealousy monster takes over pretty quickly and likes to stay in control. Also, rather than backing away completely, perhaps Jane could have expressed her feelings in a non-threatening way and asked Richard to not do that again.

I feel that there’s more to this story than what we’re being told here.  It’s rarely one incident that  turns the tide…

Again – talk, talk, talk!!! Most of these issues could easily be avoided with a little honestly and open communication.

In both cases, the “Swinging” started out as something “fun and exciting” and ended up breaking hearts.  Why?

For one thing, the relationships we have are fragile gifts not to be toyed with in the way we sometimes have a tendency to do.  Our connections are more fragile than we think they are and our ability to let someone into our innermost layers is dependent on a lot of factors.

To learn more about the swinger lifestyle check out our Swinger Sex Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

To find swinger sex partners in your area, check out our favorite adult personals website.

Sexy Things to Do With Clothes

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Typically, you think of clothes as an obstacle to sex. Well, you’re about to learn how they can play a much more exciting role. And we’re not talking about dressing up like a cheerleader to act out a guy’s fantasy (though that would be fine too).

Leaving on an article or two of clothing can create a delicious sense of urgency and provide a visual thrill.

So before you strip down, check out these tips for getting your wardrobe in on the lusty action.

12 Sexy Things to Do With Clothes 

  1. Give him a long look at you in a bra, panties, and tall boots. The vixenish-sweet combo majorly turns on men.
  2. Blindfold him with his tie. Blocking his sight heightens his other senses, and not knowing what your next move is will drive him insane (in a good way).
  3. While wearing a slinky, silky camisole, climb on top of him and then slide your body all over his naked skin.
  4. Unzip his pants, but don’t pull them off. Instead, insert your hand, gently take his member out of the opening in his boxers, and treat him to some amazing oral action. Trust us, it’ll give him a rush to have only this one sexy part exposed.
  5. Fling open a front-clo­sure bra right before cli­max. Setting your breasts free at this pivotal point will send him tumbling over the edge.
  6. Whip off his belt, fold it in half, and give his butt a few playful whacks.
  7. Gently bind his ankles together using your bra. When you restrict his move­ment, you get to be in control and he feels the thrill of being dominated by you.
  8. Have him place his hands or mouth down south while you’re still in your undies. The fabric is a barrier (amping excitement), and his warm breath will feel amazing.
  9. Sit on top of him, both of you wearing just undies. Grind back and forth against him for as long as you can, then strip and have sex.
  10. Just push your under­wear aside to have sex. Again, the immediacy of it is hot—like you can’t wait to have each other.
  11. Don’t let him remove his tee shirt before sex. Then, at some pivotal moment— say, midorgasm—grab the fabric in the middle of his chest, twist it so it tightens around his torso, and pull him close.
  12. Slooowly slip off your panties but keep your skirt on before straddling him for girl-on-top sex. It sends the message that you can’t wait a moment longer to have him inside you.

From Cosmo’s Guide to Red-Hot Sex (Feb. 2008, Hearst books/Sterling)